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Jīn Sīyǎ Dec 2024
So many thoughts to put into words,
a lot of stories meant to be shared,
and hundreds of questions to ask,
but your voice just silenced my mind.

All the running chaos in my mind,
they froze, my voice wouldn't come out.
You were in a rush to keep the call,
and I couldn't believe you had picked up.

Hopelessly, I had dialled your number,
many a times thinking, maybe this time.
You picked when I was nearing my time,
not aware of what's going on in my mind.

I'm glad I have enough time for 5 words,
for you to remember your entire life.
"I love you so much," I said,
my last words for you, you never knew.
Imagining what would have gone through your mind when you were leaving...

Sorry, I didn't realise that, it was the last call. If only I knew...
Jīn Sīyǎ Apr 10
Tiny droplets gently spattered down,
a weight the clouds could no longer hold;
and the earth received with grace,
drinking the sky’s released sorrow.

The air, clean and weightless,
with the last gray weight shed down,
became the limitless canvas
for all the shades in a spectrum’s bow.

A sight that soothes the mind—
but mine refused to follow,
clinging to every whispered confession
you released into the wind,

each word a prism unfolding,
each silence, a held breath—
I watched, waiting,
for your sky to rise in colors.

So when the worst storms come,
love, let me be your earth;
to soak in all the heaviness.
A wish that went unfulfilled.
The storms only grew darker,
and your sky never brightened.
Jīn Sīyǎ Nov 2024
What great a worry would have been on your mind,
that made you finally decide that death would be more kind.

Someone's words would have bought you solace,
or would it have made your mind more of a maze?

Maybe that maze would have led you home,
But you decided that you wanted to do it alone.

You let know no one inside that mind of yours,
thinking that no one would have the cures.

We should have seen the hints,
but you had prepared all the scripts.

Now, we sit here lost in thoughts,
trying to untie the knots,
seeking to realize the ought's.
Sorry, my friend.
Jīn Sīyǎ Jan 6
I see,
I understand,
At least I think I do.
The pain that weighed you down,
snatched away all the hope left in your big heart,
and finally made you succumb,
and give into it.

I know,
I realize,
Because I feel it now.
I have just touched the tip of the ice-berg,
of what you went through and I am thinking of giving up.
Not holding a thing against you,
but just wishing,
you were here.
Always tried to understand,
your words, actions, smiles, frowns and tears,
and I did get them, but this one action of yours,
I still am not able to fathom.
I am trying,
each day.
Jīn Sīyǎ Dec 2024
Going places used to fill me with joy, 
But now my mind is also at peace when it's with you...

My mind knows it won't last forever, 
But the heart cries - just a little longer??

Embracing each moment as if it were precious, 
Losing ourselves and turning a little too zealous... 

Searching for silly reasons to fight, 
Just to see each other's eyes so bright...

Endless conversations we had, 
but the long silences made us even more glad...

Stealing a little time, buying a little while, 
Just to see your face and the radiant smile... 

Nights seemed longer, days seemed to fly, 
And I was getting closer to the days I would cry...

I simply wish we were meant to be together, 
or that we had met a while earlier...

You weren't written in my destiny, 
but the little time with you was just so heavenly...

You weren't what the world would call perfect, 
But what could I do, when the hearts did connect...

I went with the flow, as the world said, 
little did I know about the tears we would shed...

Now your mind is in a turmoil, 
and my heart is hurting with the coil...

A word of apology is all I can say,
Though all I did was love you in my way...
Jīn Sīyǎ Jan 8
I'm left in the dark with no answer,
you let me know you wanted a relocation,
and took off to a whole other dimension,
but I feel you in everyway, everywhere.

Games of the mind, it might be,
guess I'll never know till I hear you again.
In the half-moon, in the cold night breeze,
in the flowing waters I feel your smile.
I loved you with no expectations or conditions, and I will continue to, always and forever.
Jīn Sīyǎ Dec 2024
You would have wanted me there,
to peck a kiss softly on your cheek,
to bid you farewell as you depart,
to see you finally so peaceful and free.

My heart was in love with your pranks,
silly fights were our favourite times,
endless conversations was effortless.
How then could I see you lie still?

Forgive me, for not being there,
there wasn't another way,
your near ones would have sent me away,
for we loved each other that way.
Sorry
Jīn Sīyǎ Mar 10
If you were the moon,
steady and luminous,
I wish I were the clouds,
soft, and wandering.

I would be far, yet close enough,
drifting in silence,
to cradle your light,
and veil you gently.
In those fleeting moments,
we would embrace without a touch,
a dance of shadows and silver,
a love written in the sky.
Jīn Sīyǎ Feb 21
Each day I realize how much I love you,
a truth growing deeper with time,
like roots anchoring the earth,
slowly becoming unshakeable.

Today it was about your name,
short and sweet, as it appeared,
I was swept away, not by a wave,
but an ocean of love and warmth.

Or, maybe it was a thought,
the quiet certainty you are somewhere,
watching over me with a smile,
with the serenity of stars in the sky.

Though constellations away from me,
I find a thread, a light connecting us,
by love and unspoken promises,
that distance or absence cannot break.
Jīn Sīyǎ Jan 1
A whole year just passed by,
didn't notice the 365 days gone.
Stepping into a new set of days,
nothing feels the same, and yet, it is.

It's just another day for me,
fighting hard with reality.
All darkness and emptiness,
nothing else can I feel around.

Another year lies ahead, and I hope,
I won't make it to the end of it.
Waking up to know I'll never see you,
is a pain that can not be put in words.

Bidding goodbye to the last year,
which took all hopes from life.
Continued into 25, without a choice,
to live with the memories and your soul.
Happy New Year, my moon.
Jīn Sīyǎ Mar 5
Your mere existence,
brought calm to the chaos,
and was enough to still my world.

But I failed to see,
the cracks in your sky,
from the weight of your silent ache.

I asked for peace,
not knowing I sought it,
from a gentle heart already drowning.
I just wanted you to be somewhere under the same sky, safe and happy.
That's all I asked of you, but the troubles and pain of world got to you.
Jīn Sīyǎ Feb 26
A chaotic room I now possess,
a reflection of my mind,
where thoughts pile high,
and is at the verge of collapse.

I don’t change a thing,
not because I don’t care;
but the clutter feels familiar,
a strange comfort in the disarray.

Thoughts over thoughts,
questions over questions;
each one heavier than the last,
with indecision hanging in the air.

A fog that clouds my vision,
making it hard to see,
the good that lies ahead, and
what’s right in front of me.

Mistakes, guilt and all the regrets
they sit in the corners, gathering dust,
whispering in the quiet and dark,
reminding of what should have been.

Amidst the chaos are glimpses of light,
of blessings, love and laughs,
buried under the clutter, waiting,
to be rediscovered and to remind.

But for now, I let it be,
this chaos, this mess,
both in my room and in my mind,
not ready to make the tiniest space.

I sit amidst the clutter,
knowing that in chaos I find,
the most honest reflection,
of who I am, or who I've become.
I am not the same person anymore, and I can't go back to it anymore. Definitely not without you.
Jīn Sīyǎ Apr 17
Lying under the covers,
staring out the window,
I watch the colors changing—
with grace, so slow, yet swift.

From shades of gray and black,
and silver brushed with white,
to a deep and drowning blue,
then gold—the world alight.

The night’s low, humming silence
gives way to chirps, then song—
a symphony of whistling birds,
all joining in at once.

And through it all, I whisper
your sweet name, tenderly,
wishing it could bring you back,
just once more, to hold you close.
Jīn Sīyǎ Feb 27
I clock into work,
with dried-up, dead eyes,
pulling myself together somehow,
trying in vain to hide the cracks.

I drag myself through the hours,
my mind numb, yet restless,
unable to silence the noise,
the endless chatter of thoughts.

The same keeps replaying-
the endless hum of expectations,
the echoes of lost passion,
and the whispers of a life unlived.

This place was for me once,
a source of solace and purpose,
now feels like a river,
drowning me in the weight of routine.

The innocent smiles of the kids,
once enough to light my days,
now feel distant,
like stars I can see but cannot touch.

The joy they once brought,
a happy feeling I no longer feel;
yet the need to be occupied,
brings me back to the same place.

Nothing excites me now,
nothing comforts me,
except the memories you left behind-
fragile, fleeting, yet fiercely alive.

Like treasures in the dark,
I keep seeking them,
pieces of us and myself,  
holding on to each one of them.

Because those moments of joy,
buried beneath the weight of time,
are simply what I want to,
need to remember.
Jīn Sīyǎ Dec 2024
Like a tiny splinter,
stuck deep in the skin,
You are in my thoughts,
every minute of the day...

The ones who care,
they try to help me get it out,
But I keep pushing you deep,
not ready to let go ever...

It hurts, and I have run out,
of tears to shed and words to say.
But you are safe within me,
never judged or blamed...

I wish upon the shooting stars and on every 11:11,
that you'd come back with your radiant smile.
You are in a place, no one's come back from,
I can only wonder if you are fine and wait...
You'll remain in my heart, always and forever...
Jīn Sīyǎ Feb 20
Dew on the grass at the break of dawn,
shimmering and glimmering at the tips,
when rays of the sun softly kissed them,
seemed a fleeting miracle, brief yet bright.

Just as you sparked a light in me,
by being you- your smiles, your fights,
with love that flowed deep into my soul,
where it lingers still, though you're gone.
Thanks for the love. And thanks for the light...
Jīn Sīyǎ Dec 2024
Shut my eyes tightly,
to return to where I was,
a secret escape to be with you,
A place no one will ever know.

Far away from reality,
wonder if it's really a dream.
Or after desperately searching,
did my soul find you.

Sleep is all I want now,
where I can meet you.
I don't want to lose you,
I try not let go of my grasp.

Waking up, my mind is already longing,
to meet you again,
to talk to you endlessly,
to hold you lovingly,
all, in my dream.
Jīn Sīyǎ Mar 10
Little things—
people call them chance,
or mere coincidences—
but I see them, feel them,
as your silent sign:
a promise of your love,
ever near, ever true,
listening to every word
I whisper into the void.
Jīn Sīyǎ Dec 2024
They took away my sunshine,
Far away where I couldn't reach.
Without an endless sky to fall on,
the light slowly started burning low...

The next I know,
he was wrapped in white cloth,
and lowered deep into the earth,
But this time, it was his choice...
Jīn Sīyǎ Mar 3
Like a storm, unannounced you came,
a force of nature I couldn’t understand;
when I closed the doors to my heart,
you  slipped in through the cracks.

Like a wildfire, fierce and untamed,
I felt your love and burned bright;
And though I knew it wouldn’t last,
I held on tightly to the fading past.

If not with a promise of forever,
why did fate bring us together?
A love so deep, yet bound to end,
you became a friend I couldn't defend.

I let you go, and it broke me inside,
saw you walk away, my tears I did hide;
thought in friendship I'd find some peace,
a fragile solace, a bittersweet release.

But again fate was cruel and unkind,
a choice made by your burdened mind;
the pain you carried, I never could heal,
a wound so deep, it didn’t feel real.

Is it a punishment for loving too much?
For giving my heart to your gentle touch?
The sleepless nights, the endless tears,
are haunted by your pain and fears.

If only I could have been there,
To ease your burden, your despair;
as a friend, a stranger, a listening ear,
perhaps I could have kept you near.

But fate, for some, has a cruel design,
stealing the stars, leaving darkness behind;
though our memories will always remain,
in my life through joy and pain.
Jīn Sīyǎ Dec 2024
Carols sounding all around,
Lights hanging like little fireflies,
Smiles, chattering, and laughter fills the air,
A good aura and aroma spreads around.

All of this, I once held dear, does not,
fill the void, that you left me with.
Merry Christmas, my love
Jīn Sīyǎ Dec 2024
Such a fleeting time of bliss,
hundreds of memories,
of smiles, laughter, fights, and tears,
and moments of peaceful love.

All of which are now,
to be cherished for a lifetime.
Jīn Sīyǎ Jan 28
A burden I no longer can bear,
a guilt that holds me back,
a mistake, I wish happened different,
but must carry on till the end.

To wish for a punishment,
a way to ease the pain,
to suffer for hurting a gem,
and free me from this stain.

But maybe this is it,
to live with this burden,
pretending everything is alright,
as the guilt slowly smothers.
Jīn Sīyǎ Dec 2024
Never weaved dreams with you in it,
but the walls I built tumbled down with you.
Knew there never was a future for us,
and so pined for the clock to be still.

With you gone, darkness encompasses me,
emptiness is all I feel to my bones,
Can't find a reason to go on,
And neither can I give up on this life
Jīn Sīyǎ Feb 4
Flowing tears pull me to the reality,
from existing thinking you are here,
some miles away or a call away,
living a joyous life everyday.

In that very warming fantasy,
wish I could remain, eternally,
or in those dreams painted in gold,
with you and the love we behold.
Jīn Sīyǎ Jan 5
You choose a partner to grow old with,
prepare vows to keep them with you,
battle every day to raise offspring,
all, so you wouldn't have solitude.

And Love???

You love a person to see them happy,
to be understood and cared for,
do the same for them whatsoever,
even if there isn't a promise to stay.
Some are lucky to have both.
Some settle for either one.
Some keep searching and struggling.
And some, they give up on both.
Jīn Sīyǎ Jan 1
Delved deep into myself to see,
to understand what you saw in me.
Couldn't find something unique,
that you couldn't find elsewhere.

But I did find childishness and smiles,
which came out when around you.
You saw what others failed to,
because you were the reason behind.

You had your purest honest version,
around me, and I got it easy as ABC.
We loved the version of ourselves,
that only we could bring out in us.

Could never figure out why,
but, all I know is my love for you,
would never change whatsoever,
unconditional it remains for all times
Grateful for your love, for all the smiles you gave and the most precious memories.
Jīn Sīyǎ Feb 3
None of these were meant to be,
to give up the little respect for myself,
and yet to lose you completely,
along with my soul you took off with.

I would trade my life for another day,
but one with you and your smile,
I dream of it every day and night,
with a mind knowing the impossible.
Jīn Sīyǎ Jan 1
Like squeezing hard for a last drop,
found reasons to stay a little longer,
didn't matter a second or a minute,
it was considered the most precious.

Lived and laughed, in the moment,
loved, like there was no tomorrow,
stayed, until there was no option,
than to slip away for your good.

Yet, after the sun went down and,
darkness encumbered me in whole,
I wonder what could have been done,
to have had another minute with you.
No amount of time with you would have been enough for me.
Jīn Sīyǎ Dec 2024
Another day ends in darkness,
with the same routine beginning,
of soaking the pillows with tears,
whispering words of comfort to myself.

The ticking of the clock,
and soft noises piercing into my ears,
makes me want to scream my lungs out,
but I just struggle to silence the next sob.

And on nights like these,
I wish I could join you, wherever,
bringing an end to the pain engulfing me.
Just can't find the strength to seek the unknown.
Jīn Sīyǎ Dec 2024
Dragging each day to the moon like a heavy stone,
Wishing all of this was a stupid dream,
Hoping I would hear you when I wake up,
Passing time's been a struggle without you...

Smiling stupidly at our old memories,
Crying myself to sleep cause that's all I've got,
Knowing you'll never return back to my embrace,
Passing time's been a struggle without you...

Talking as if you were howering me,
Walking into a crowd of smiles as if you were beside,
Sitting on a bench with my head tilted as if on your shoulders,
Passing time's been a struggle without you...
Trying to get through each day, thinking you are near, talking to you... But it just hits hard, that you aren't coming back...
Jīn Sīyǎ Dec 2024
We always spent time near the waters,
gazing at the reflection of lights,
the ripples forming and spreading,
every moment at peace with nature.

Sitting alone by the waters now,
looking at the birds flying over head,
listening to the splash against rocks,
you occupy all of my mind and heart.

They ask me to let your soul be,
but the heart isn't ready to let go.
I never disrupted your peace on earth,
and I'm sure, I'm not doing it now.
Jīn Sīyǎ Dec 2024
I knew the words that would have made you stay,
Just didn't know you were planning to go this way.

Only thing I wanted was for you to be happy,
never did it cross my mind that you would seek it so not aptly.
Jīn Sīyǎ Feb 10
As the sun comes up day after day,
I just wonder when this act would halt,
wishing for the darkness to stay forever,
to wake up, only if I can see you near.

Pretending through the day is bad enough,
then comes the moon, to whom I talk,
pouring out my sorrows and breaking down,
making the nights worse, along with nightmares.

I hardly understand the ticking of the clock,
trying hard to go through each day,
wishing today would finally be my time,
to go into a peaceful sleep and not be back.
Jīn Sīyǎ Jan 23
To be content with what's on the plate,
not to complain, beg or be persuasive,
habits and lessons carried along for long,
destroying everything slowly, silently.

Fell in love, and silently was the intend,
till you gave your heart and efforts all,
though it wasn't right and not meant to be,
I took it without another thought or grouches.

With no expectations, gave in wholly,
your smile, never to fade, my daily prayer,
let you walk away, without a word of hurt,
only to see you struggle to run back to me.

A thought that never crossed my mind,
now haunting all my days on earth,
that if I'd been adamant and forceful,
you'd have been happy and breathing.
I could have done more or I should have asked for more
Jīn Sīyǎ Dec 2024
Words in my mind lingered there,
like the warmth after a sunset.
Longing to depart from my lips,
but in a battle with the mind.

Buried the words in my heart,
wrapped up with the pain.
Those words would have saved you,
If only I'd known the power they held.
I should have let you known everything. I am sorry...
Jīn Sīyǎ Dec 2024
Family and friends, they care,
showering words of comfort.
This burden, though, I cannot share,
it dwells in my heart alone.

The one I could share with,
left me, with the guilt and a void,
If only, he had realized,
the weight he would be leaving with.
Jīn Sīyǎ Mar 31
I woke up, only to claw back toward sleep,
but your smile had already slipped,
your face dissolved into the dark corner,
and the space where I wish you were,
hold only my gentle whisper to you.  

Outside, the drizzle writes a symphony,
breeze combing through the tress sent a shiver,
small cheek-spotted sparrows scatter upward,
each chirp, each wingbeat humming your name.

While everything around keeps going on,
I'm slowly learning to hold absence,
like a sparrow holds the wind,
not by grasping, but letting it pass through.
But some days, I feel it drag my feathers down.
And I wonder, "What if the sky is just another falling?"
Jīn Sīyǎ Mar 14
Red hues and golden lights,
light up on the buildings at night,
like fireflies of varying sizes.
Weaving through the air,
their reflections and the ripples,
feels a dance to a symphony.
A wonder to the eyes,
of people buzzing in and out,
ready to bet fragments of themselves,
in a place where fortunes flicker like fleeting stars.

Yet to me, they blur,
I feel a hollow glow,
And I close my eyes.

And there you are-
with little brown eyes,
soft and glowing with kindness,
your heavenly smile,
a sunrise breaking through the gray,
Memories of gentle whispers,
melting the weight away like summer breeze,
and a river of your laughter,
sweep all of the shadows to a distance.

My mind becomes a sky,
and for a while, in the vastness,
stars bloom and the heart twinkles.
Jīn Sīyǎ Apr 14
I am sinking deeper and deeper,
but not in waters,
rather in the undying feelings,
of guilt and more of grief.

My legs kicking, hands thrashing,
but, I am not seeking the air.
The chest getting heavier, the air tighter,
yet, not reaching the bottom.

Am I dying ??? No.
Just floating to see,
how long the body,
can burn without light.
Jīn Sīyǎ Dec 2024
Frozen memories are all that remains,
to soothe the aching of the heart.
All the words you said remain etched in my memory,
but I long to hear your voice.

You had your own reasons to leave,
and now, I can find none to live.
You gave an end to your never ending suffering,
I doubt you knew it would be the start of mine.

The questions, confusion and guilt,
they engulf and weigh me down.
But I pass each day,
Hoping, yearning and wishing,
to join in an embrace, my love.
I miss you my soulmate
Jīn Sīyǎ Dec 2024
The more I seek answers,
the more tangled my thoughts get.
You left to find a happier place,
and it haunts me that it wasn't under the same sky.

Like how a shoot sprouts from earth,
each day, a thought emerges in my mind,
Of the coulds and shoulds and if's,
Even though I know they are all in vain.
I can only think of the endless possibilities of what could have been
Jīn Sīyǎ Jan 21
All it took to shatter dreams',
was a compromise made to myself,
with only pure intentions and love,
but not a soul to hear them out.

Flowing tears, shed over months,
didn't take the grief along with it,
all the shame, guilt and regrets,
needed my life as the price to pay.
Jīn Sīyǎ Jan 13
Replaying and rewinding in my head,
the last time I heard your voice,
all the words I could have said,
but didn't, crashing like waves,
they dash against each other,
but as the waves calm and quitens,
I'm left again, confused and lost.

Re-reading our conversations,
never able to make sense of it,
what was intended and what was not,
a new meaning forming in my head,
fogging up every other thought,
without an end, it goes on,
and will go on, till I breathe my last.
Scenarios keep playing in my head, of what I could have said.  I know there is no point, but I can't silence my mind.
Jīn Sīyǎ Mar 15
A flower I dared not pluck -
out of love for your radiance,  
out of fear of your silent ache,  
out of care for your unfolding,  
out of awe for the life in you.  

The thought of your wither  
was a storm I could not weather;  
so I let you be, untouched,
praying you would bloom,
forever reaching toward the sun.

Letting you bloom was my wish,
but when the storms came too strong,
you decided to wither away,
because the weight of the world,
felt heavier than your light.

Holding the memory of your petals,
I wonder, if my hands, though gentle,
could have held you together or,
if the storms were always destined
to take you back to the earth so soon.
Jīn Sīyǎ Dec 2024
There is no wound that time doesn't heal,
Why then, is it getting harder to breathe?
Like a rope tightened around the neck slow.

Smiles, laughs, and memories we shared,
doesn't seem to dim the pain and remorse.
Jīn Sīyǎ Jan 11
Realisation always knocks late,
followed by regrets creeping in,
ought to be carried for a long time,
destroying us little by little each day.

The greatest one I bear now,
making me die a little each day,
is that I let you go, not knowing,
leaving was a decision you'd regret.
Sorry for letting you go.
Jīn Sīyǎ Jan 7
Every day, many lives are taken,
unfortunate accidents happen,
to people who dream of living,
a life of love, joy, peace, and giving.

I wish it was me instead of them,
that would mean no overwhelm.
With nothing more to lose now,
I wonder how I could swap somehow.
Jīn Sīyǎ Jan 16
Thousand miles of distance between us,
hours of difference in our clocks,
uprooted to newness and strangers,
but happy, we get to see the same moon.

Tried to cut all ties, to lessen the troubles,
only to realize we were tangled together.
Getting untwined meant bleeding,
but there wasn't another path to tread on.

When the big white glow appears,
in the darkness, smiles and tears I shared,
and deeply sensed yours too,
the only way my love reaches you.
To feel alive, I stepped out,
earnestly seeking a way to be-
closer to nature, closer to you,  
yet each footfall weighed so heavy.  

My eyes burned and welled up,
I could blame the sun, a little.
Blades of tiny grass pricked my skin-
a feeling I’d long forgotten.  

Fountain grass swayed in gold haze,  
the sun sinking low behind it.
But all that filled my mind, my ribs,  
was your face, your nearness.  

Memories struck clear as glass:  
our fingers first twining tight,  
a story the trees still whisper-
the wind bringing you back to me.

With each passing moment,
I wish to go back in time-
to feel your breath, to hold your hand,
to be near, just blissfully watching you.
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