To the person, I once loved, but cheated.

Sorry that it had to be you,
and sorry you found it this way.
Hurt you and brought tears time to time,
and will pay the fine with this life.

Wasn't lust that caught me in her web,
a thin line of friendship and love faded,
felt seen, heard, touched and understood,
'twas something new and I craved more.

Couldn't break the news and your heart,
so, kept it hidden, loving you the same.
Thought you couldn't live without me, and,
forgetting her would be easy, both wrong.

Being asked and forced to stop loving her,
pushed me deep into the well of her love.
A side of you I'd never seen revealed,
pulling me farther away from all of you.

Said you loved, and couldn't let go,
but made the air harder to breathe for me,
realized I had no way to out of the tangle,
decided to end it with a knot on the rope.

A burden I no longer can bear,
a guilt that holds me back,
a mistake, I wish happened different,
but must carry on till the end.

To wish for a punishment,
a way to ease the pain,
to suffer for hurting a gem,
and free me from this stain.

But maybe this is it,
to live with this burden,
pretending everything is alright,
as the guilt slowly smothers.

To be content with what's on the plate,
not to complain, beg or be persuasive,
habits and lessons carried along for long,
destroying everything slowly, silently.

Fell in love, and silently was the intend,
till you gave your heart and efforts all,
though it wasn't right and not meant to be,
I took it without another thought or grouches.

With no expectations, gave in wholly,
your smile, never to fade, my daily prayer,
let you walk away, without a word of hurt,
only to see you struggle to run back to me.

A thought that never crossed my mind,
now haunting all my days on earth,
that if I'd been adamant and forceful,
you'd have been happy and breathing.

All it took to shatter dreams',
was a compromise made to myself,
with only pure intentions and love,
but not a soul to hear them out.

Flowing tears, shed over months,
didn't take the grief along with it,
all the shame, guilt and regrets,
needed my life as the price to pay.

't was fate, to be blamed,
bringing two split from a stardust.
to love at the right place,
but at the wrong time.

The rest was at our hands,
but your life's decisions,
already taken and changing that,
meant the tears of others.

Rest assured, I was, believed,
if it was meant, it would,
only to spent the rest of life,
thinking where it went wrong.

Thousand miles of distance between us,
hours of difference in our clocks,
uprooted to newness and strangers,
but happy, we get to see the same moon.

Tried to cut all ties, to lessen the troubles,
only to realize we were tangled together.
Getting untwined meant bleeding,
but there wasn't another path to tread on.

When the big white glow appears,
in the darkness, smiles and tears I shared,
and deeply sensed yours too,
the only way my love reaches you.

Eyes wont shut,
chaos in the mind,
curled up on the bed,
trembling hands,
and cold feet.

Thinking so deep,
but trying not to,
all the good ones,
and the bad ones,
start and end with you.

Head throbs,
sharp pain like,
a dagger piercing,
lump in the throat
and unable to breathe.

An escape,
into the darkness,
and the unknown,
to be in oblivion,
is all I desire for.

Replaying and rewinding in my head,
the last time I heard your voice,
all the words I could have said,
but didn't, crashing like waves,
they dash against each other,
but as the waves calm and quitens,
I'm left again, confused and lost.

Re-reading our conversations,
never able to make sense of it,
what was intended and what was not,
a new meaning forming in my head,
fogging up every other thought,
without an end, it goes on,
and will go on, till I breathe my last.

Realisation always knocks late,
followed by regrets creeping in,
ought to be carried for a long time,
destroying us little by little each day.

The greatest one I bear now,
making me die a little each day,
is that I let you go, not knowing,
leaving was a decision you'd regret.

Charming looks and honeyed words,
you had them easy and out always,
and to fall for that version of you,
was easy and many did come that way.

Got lost in our friendship and I too,
reached there, but so very differently;
slowly, mesmerized by your kindness,
imperfections and your childishness.

Felt a profound love, my first one, and,
you, never knew love was so deep.
For, though you had meant fooling,
our love had the power to transform us.

Easy to walk away you thought;
and you tried, but you just couldn't.
Though forever was not in the picture,
invisibly the hearts were connected .

Too late to make things right,
unwilling to leave, the heart stayed;
with no wants or needs whatsoever,
but love to give to each other.

I'm left in the dark with no answer,
you let me know you wanted a relocation,
and took off to a whole other dimension,
but I feel you in everyway, everywhere.

Games of the mind, it might be,
guess I'll never know till I hear you again.
In the half-moon, in the cold night breeze,
in the flowing waters I feel your smile.

You choose a partner to grow old,
prepare vows to keep them with you,
battle every day to raise offspring,
all, so you wouldn't have solitude.

And Love???

You love a person to see them happy,
to be understood and cared for,
do the same for them whatsoever,
even if there isn't a promise to stay.

Oh how I long for the impossible,
to see your name on my screen,
to pick up and just hear a melody,
your voice itself a soothing one.

Oh how I beg for the unfeasible,
to somehow spot your smile,
amongst a crowd of strangers,
and feel alive again with you near.

Oh how I kneel and pray for the unknown,
for your soul to be at bliss and peace,
oblivious of the hastles and pain,
just what you wished when earthly.

A slow transition, yet so quick,
from strangers to healers, we went.
You ripped your skin, I saw through,
and it felt a reflection of mine.

Found a soul pleading to feel loved,
searching to feel safe and adored.
Scars bleeding, pain un-ceasing,
you knew to give, not to take.

Saw a heart that deserves love,
so lost and tired to search or ask.
Didn't know just being there,
felt healing and freedom for you.

Kindness is all you asked of me,
love was everything I had in me.
You healed, only to bleed more,
when you had to make a choice.

Like squeezing hard for a last drop,
found reasons to stay a little longer,
didn't matter a second or a minute,
it was considered it the most precious.

Lived and laughed, in the moment,
loved, like there was no tomorrow,
stayed, until there was no option,
than to slip away for your good.

Yet, after the sun went down and,
darkness encumbered me in whole,
I wonder what could have been done,
to have had another minute with you.

A whole year just passed by,
didn't notice the 365 days gone.
Stepping into a new set of days,
nothing feels the same, and yet, it is.

It's just another day for me,
fighting hard with reality.
All darkness and emptiness,
nothing else can I feel around.

Another year lies ahead, and I hope,
I won't make it to the end of it.
Waking up to know I'll never see you,
is a pain that can not be put in words.

Bidding goodbye to the last year,
which took all hopes from life.
Continued into 25, without a choice,
to live with the memories and your soul.

Delved deep into myself to see,
to understand what you saw in me.
Couldn't find something unique,
that you couldn't find elsewhere.

But I did find childishness and smiles,
which came out when around you.
You saw what others failed to,
because you were the reason behind.

You had your purest honest version,
around me, and I got it easy as ABC.
We loved the version of ourselves,
that only we could bring out in us.

Could never figure out why,
but, all I know is my love for you,
would never change whatsoever,
unconditional it remains for all times

Such a fleeting time of bliss,
hundreds of memories,
of smiles, laughter, fights, and tears,
and moments of peaceful love.

All of which are now,
to be cherished for a lifetime.

We always spent time near the waters,
gazing at the reflection of lights,
the ripples forming and spreading,
every moment at peace with nature.

Sitting alone by the waters now,
looking at the birds flying over head,
listening to the splash against rocks,
you occupy all of my mind and heart.

They ask me to let your soul be,
but the heart isn't ready to let go.
I never disrupted your peace on earth,
and I'm sure, I'm not doing it now.

So many thoughts to put into words,
a lot of stories meant to be shared,
and hundreds of questions to ask,
but your voice just silenced my mind.

All the running chaos in my mind,
they froze, my voice wouldn't come out.
You were in a rush to keep the call,
and I couldn't believe you had picked up.

Hopelessly, I had dialled your number,
many a times thinking, maybe this time.
You picked when I was nearing my time,
not aware of what's going on in my mind.

I'm glad I have enough time for 5 words,
for you to remember your entire life.
"I love you so much," I said,
my last words for you, you never knew.

You would have wanted me there,
to peck a kiss softly on your cheek,
to bid you farewell as you depart,
to see you finally so peaceful and free.

My heart was in love with your pranks,
silly fights were our favourite times,
endless conversations was effortless.
How then could I see you lie still?

Forgive me, for not being there,
there wasn't another way,
your near ones would have sent me away,
for we loved each other that way.

I had a child in me, I realised,
when I fought with you like one,
with my eyes shining, a wide smile,
and a laughter breaking out...

Didn't think twice before I blurted,
couldn't care less of what lay ahead,
out came the bottled up excitement,
with just your presence near me...

Felt what happiness in real is,
shared whatever was in the mind,
talked for hours straight with a smile,
what more could I ask for...

If this isn't love, tell me what is..

Dragging each day to the moon like a heavy stone,
Wishing all of this was a stupid dream,
Hoping I would hear you when I wake up,
Passing time's been a struggle without you...

Smiling stupidly at our old memories,
Crying myself to sleep cause that's all I've got,
Knowing you'll never return back to my embrace,
Passing time's been a struggle without you...

Talking as if you were howering me,
Walking into a crowd of smiles as if you were beside,
Sitting on a bench with my head tilted as if on your shoulders,
Passing time's been a struggle without you...

There is no wound that time doesn't heal,
Why then, is it getting harder to breathe?
Like a rope tightened around the neck slow.

Smiles, laughs, and memories we shared,
doesn't seem to dim the pain and remorse.

Another day ends in darkness,
with the same routine beginning,
of soaking the pillows with tears,
whispering words of comfort to myself.

The ticking of the clock,
and soft noises piercing into my ears,
makes me want to scream my lungs out,
but I just struggle to silence the next sob.

And on nights like these,
I wish I could join you, wherever,
bringing an end to the pain engulfing me.
Just can't find the strength to seek the unknown.

Carols sounding all around,
Lights hanging like little fireflies,
Smiles, chattering, and laughter fills the air,
A good aura and aroma spreads around.

All of this, I once held dear, does not,
fill the void, that you left me with.

The more I seek answers,
the more tangled my thoughts get.
You left to find a happier place,
and it haunts me that it wasn't under the same sky.

Like how a shoot sprouts from earth,
each day, a thought emerges in my mind,
Of the coulds and shoulds and if's,
Even though I know they are all in vain.

Like a tiny splinter,
stuck deep in the skin,
You are in my thoughts,
every minute of the day...

The ones who care,
they try to help me get it out,
But I keep pushing you deep,
not ready to let go ever...

It hurts, and I have run out,
of tears to shed and words to say.
But you are safe within me,
never judged or blamed...

I wish upon the shooting stars and on every 11:11,
that you'd come back with your radiant smile.
You are in a place, no one's come back from,
I can only wonder if you are fine and wait...

They took away my sunshine,
Far away where I couldn't reach.
Without an endless sky to fall on,
the light slowly started burning low...

The next I know,
he was wrapped in white cloth,
and lowered deep into the earth,
But this time, it was his choice...

Family and friends, they care,
showering words of comfort.
This burden, though, I cannot share,
it dwells in my heart alone.

The one I could share with,
left me, with the guilt and a void,
If only, he had realized,
the weight he would be leaving with.

Words in my mind lingered there,
like the warmth after a sunset.
Longing to depart from my lips,
but in a battle with the mind.

Buried the words in my heart,
wrapped up with the pain.
Those words would have saved you,
If only I'd known the power they held.

Shut my eyes tightly,
to return to where I was,
a secret escape to be with you,
A place no one will ever know.

Far away from reality,
wonder if it's really a dream.
Or after desperately searching,
did my soul find you.

Sleep is all I want now,
where I can meet you.
I don't want to lose you,
I try not let go of my grasp.

Waking up, my mind is already longing,
to meet you again,
to talk to you endlessly,
to hold you lovingly,
all, in my dream.

Never weaved dreams with you in it,
but the walls I built tumbled down with you.
Knew there never was a future for us,
and so pined for the clock to be still.

With you gone, darkness encompasses me,
emptiness is all I feel to my bones,
Can't find a reason to go on,
And neither can I give up on this life

Millions of words unsaid,
and ones I whispered ever so softly,
they swirl in the air,
as my heart hope they reach you.

Laughs, pranks and fights we could have shared,
are now dreams I wish we could have spared.
Each day the thought sinks deeper in,
that my love could have stopped you from leaving.

Never ceased loving you,
wished I was allowed to pour it out.
Your smile fills my memory always,
a comfort amidst the wrenching pain.

Frozen memories are all that remains,
to soothe the aching of the heart.
All the words you said remain etched in my memory,
but I long to hear your voice.

You had your own reasons to leave,
and now, I can find none to live.
You gave an end to your never ending suffering,
I doubt you knew it would be the start of mine.

The questions, confusion and guilt,
they engulf and weigh me down.
But I pass each day,
Hoping, yearning and wishing,
to join in an embrace, my love.

I was forbidden from talking to you,
I was hated for loving you,
I was despised for being your sunshine.
But not once did my heart stop beating for you.

Hurt so much and cried much more,
but found comfort in knowing you were not at war.
But you hid from everyone your battles,
and gave in when you couldn't take it anymore.

Going places used to fill me with joy, 
But now my mind is also at peace when it's with you...

My mind knows it won't last forever, 
But the heart cries - just a little longer??

Embracing each moment as if it were precious, 
Losing ourselves and turning a little too zealous... 

Searching for silly reasons to fight, 
Just to see each other's eyes so bright...

Endless conversations we had, 
but the long silences made us even more glad...

Stealing a little time, buying a little while, 
Just to see your face and the radiant smile... 

Nights seemed longer, days seemed to fly, 
And I was getting closer to the days I would cry...

I simply wish we were meant to be together, 
or that we had met a while earlier...

You weren't written in my destiny, 
but the little time with you was just so heavenly...

You weren't what the world would call perfect, 
But what could I do, when the hearts did connect...

I went with the flow, as the world said, 
little did I know about the tears we would shed...

Now your mind is in a turmoil, 
and my heart is hurting with the coil...

A word of apology is all I can say,
Though all I did was love you in my way...

I knew the words that would have made you stay,
Just didn't know you were planning to go this way.

Only thing I wanted was for you to be happy,
never did it cross my mind that you would seek it so not aptly.

What great a worry would have been on your mind,
that made you finally decide that death would be more kind.

Someone's words would have bought you solace,
or would it have made your mind more of a maze?

Maybe that maze would have led you home,
But you decided that you wanted to do it alone.

You let know no one inside that mind of yours,
thinking that no one would have the cures.

We should have seen the hints,
but you had prepared all the scripts.

Now, we sit here lost in thoughts,
trying to untie the knots,
seeking to realize the ought's.
Sorry, my friend.