Heart ache like sandpaper slowly eroding away giving up whats left of me day by day.
Memories of people and places i once knew fading, as the flow of life keeps erasing and
re-shading.
Who was i and who were they? What will be left when everything fades away?
Some people gone and some just pushed out of reach, makes me want to build a wall that you cant breach.
The ache of loss can drive you insane. Loss of others, of yourself , of hope… its hard to maintain.
Weak and weary from the push and pull. Feeling desperate to see something meaningful.
Pouring myself out like water on the ground. Feeling absorbed and not profound.
Asking myself  why? what is it all for? Trying to be less and then trying to be more.
Life is a vapor a whisper of smoke. We try to make it more and then we choke.

Sometimes i can put on a mask keep it together. No need for an umbrella its just a little weather.
Meanwhile inside my brain its a cat 4 and i am holding on. But the storm is raging and my stability is almost gone.
100 miles an hour another gust and i am done. Down on my knees no where left to run.
My heart beat so loud a thrumming in my ears it’s deafening to me but no one else hears.
Lost in this headspace the mask is what wins completely i retreat to that space within.
Dont want to lose myself but theres no fighting this storm, just dont drown, hold out, feel, wait transform.
The light will fight push back the clouds and silence the voices screaming so loud.
It will warm me and mend the heartache
Keep holding on though you break.
The light will win dispel this storm, but in the pain and pressure i will transform.
Grow stronger and softer both together. What once was heavy now light as a feather.
What seeks to destroy erase me in full only makes me more alive more real in its push and pull.

In the midst of the silence grief has an echo,
A thrumming heartbeat of a pain that wont let go.
Every heart beat is as loud as a drum
no real noise just a resounding thrum.
Then things begin to swirl moving so fast, you are caught in a current the silence doesn’t last.
Everything around you is just so loud,
to much, chaos in the midst of the crowd.
All you want is to slip into quiet sleep
But when you finally can, the grief is too deep.
You welcome the silence, the lack of the crowd. But can not stay there because your head is too loud.
A new you emerges to make room for the pain.
Holding on to the memories, love remains.

Hurt like a river floods my soul!
Heaviness, emptiness, out of control.
So much pain i long to let it all go.
But then to sever connection i just don’t know.
My mind a whirlwind i cant even speak.
Hurt and betrayal i am nauseous and weak.
What do you do when everything’s broken.
When theres blood pouring from a wound thats open.
When the ones supposed to stitch you up caused the hole,
when the breath thats left burns jagged takes a toll.
You sit in judgment while your words extoll. So much for communication let pretense roll.
So much, so little, our words hit the air.
And once they’ve been uttered we are caught in their snare.
At least now i know where i stand…
Through the tears i see the direction of  dry land .
Do i swim forward or tread water and drown.
Seems simple but the answer is often profound.
My true north was a lie, a broken perception.
But i am ok now theres better reception.

Somebody come and hold me through this terrible ache.
One more stone, So much weight i think i might break.
Your hasty angry words hit me like a mac truck
But i am being disrespectful because your tone made me buck.
The things you say leave no room for positive thoughts.
That happy family photo with lies is wrought.
Your lazy, eat to much, stupid, lost.... but in the same breath why are you sad, isolating. You don’t get the cost!
In you i am supposed to trust to be able to lean, but more often than not i feel i have no supporting beam.
I am like a building with a shaky foundation being asked to hold the weight of a nation.
Then being mocked when i crumble and fall
For the weight of this world i was not prepared at all.
So i lash out at everything in anger and fear.
Cut myself, cry in silence, try to just disappear.
You look at me with scorn as i break
all the while ignoring this visible heart ache!

Faded colors, tattered edges, memories
Love, laughter, tears, no one sees
I cant get through the pages without weeping
Heart ache , grief, and love just seeping.
People and places lost or moved on.
I didn’t know then what it would mean when they were gone.
My family those moments taken for granted
Some gone, but all in Different directions planted.
My grandparents young and full of life what id give to hear their tales of love and strife.
My mama her sweet smile and warm tight embrace. What id give now to see her face.
One more Christmas all together. One more day in sunny weather.
To hear the voices, the laughter, the songs
They sang out and we sang along.
To walk through the frame with new eyes
Appreciate the moment before they said goodbye.
Just One more hug, just one more kiss.
But it wouldn’t be enough you i’d still miss.

Shimmering energy radiating from within, haven’t felt at ease since i don’t know when.
Cant organize my life though i have tried, my heads a mess my brain feels fried.
So tired i am running on caffeine and prayer.
“Yes, of course. I will be right there. “
Pulling petals, he loves me he loves me not.
Rolling the dice, ok lets give it a shot.
Always second guessing everything in life.
Wishing my daily existence didn’t have so much strife.
“Well you bring it on yourself you know?”
Just keep moving don’t let the hurt show.
Welcome to the challenge of who does more?
Who wanted less?  who is keeping score?
Kids in turmoil, yelling out anger and fears.
Hurt and insecurities seeping out in tears.
Don’t know how to fix this i feel insane, they are hurting i feel and see their pain.
So much anger, so much strife. This is not a good life.
Pretending all is ok just smile and nod say it’s fine. It works on all but those that know the truth behind that line.
Fragmented realities where will i wake up today in the illusion of bliss? or right into the fray?