My head is spinning, and i cant seem to stabilize.
I feel the constant pressure of stress that continues to rise.
So much to do but i am held captive by my fight or flight.
Frozen in place not sure which movement is right.
Feels like a heart attack this level of anxiety! Full force panic i don’t know how to break free!
From one task to another i coast through my day.
Nothing ever getting finished my failures on display!
I go to bed at night exhaustion overwhelming me,
but lie awake antagonized by the voices i cant break free!
Sleep does no good anyway when peace is what you need.
Ask myself if you believe the smile or enjoy watching me bleed?
Look in the mirror at my eyes then quickly look away.
When did the hollow grow so deep i fall down and pray!
God i am not sure i can take another lesson…
i feel blown apart lost with no direction..
I know growth is painful and change is hard…
But i feel so shattered nothing but a shard..
Where are you God?  Please don’t leave me in this place.
Sitting here afraid and hurting but seeking your face.

I am not your firm foundation on which you can build, I will crumble under the weight of expectations that go unfulfilled.
Don’t put me on a pedestal I don’t like Heights
I don’t want to try to Balance only to plummet, when I lose the fight.
I don’t want to be your hero i cant even save myself. I am not your happily ever after you cant pull me from a shelf!
I am not your therapist, though i will hold your hand.  we all have to do our own work in order to understand.
I don’t want to be your master, nor will i be your slave, but we can grow together help each other be brave.
I cannot be your everything it will tear us both down. I will walk beside you and straighten your crown.

I am so tired…. But Its not a lack of sleep. Its emotional, mental, physical the loss runs deep.
Standing on the edge of hope and hopeless choosing between blinding pain and numbness.
My head hurts, my stomach is twisted in knots. My body has a physical response  and i am not calling the shots.
Wish i could turn it off but the damage is done.
I have changed irrevocably from the battles lost and won.
Tiny fissures left open scream out and bleed. At best i slap on a bandaid ignoring the real need.
At times i stop and survey the path i am leaving of blood and tears. But i force myself forward in spite of the fears.
Just Keep moving ignore the pain, the alarms screaming survival is the game.
Dodging bullets, walking on eggshells, being a wall and a shield. Trying not to lose myself in the mass casualties on the field.
I feel the heavy pressure of walking this line. Burdened by a choice between true peace and everything is fine.
If only i was the only one who had to pay for my choices. But i bear the weight of those other helpless voices.

3 am and i cant sleep, the time of the creative when the words wont keep.
They wake me up as they dance through my head stories and poetry weave as i lay in bed.
I give in sit up to write a few lines down, before i know it lost in the flow i drown.
Morning comes all too soon and items of the day begin to consume.
As i go through the day taking care of the mundane, I am secretly writing narratives some would think i am insane.
When i am lost in a dark place i write until i find my way out. Let the words pour and empty as i cry and shout.
I may seem disconnected in a crowd but i am just overwhelmed because the voices are loud.
Don’t know how to turn the volume down just part of me i guess. But I’ve learned to make do more or less.
Have to be careful and remember though
Don’t push, keep pace, they don’t know.

When your broken by the blow, and the jagged edges of despair cause the wounds to grow.

When the crystal hits the pavement and you can’t even imagine what the pile of glass used to be. When the tears flow so freely and last so long that its hard to see.

When your heart is so heavy it’s beating you to death from the inside. When you cant organize your thoughts no matter how hard you have tried.

When it feels like everything you thought you knew was just a lie. And you are unsure of whether to start over or say goodbye.

At that place between hard and desperate when your cheeks are wet from the tears without respite.

I Turn to the one who knows us to our very core who knit us together and desires for our pain to be no more!

I Gaze upon his Mercy his forgiveness his Grace, his unimaginable love as I see his blood and tear stained face!

He knew hurt, and suffering, rejection, and pain. Endured hardships and displayed self sacrifice again and again.

So in the midst of my grief and chaos without cease. I can run to him and find mercy and peace.

Impatient and cranky, restless and raw.
Tired of waiting, and sick of the draw.
Waiting for help, waiting for change,
waiting for something in us to rearrange.
My mind too full to find any peace.
Thought after thought needs release.
I can not process all this mess
I can not hold it,  i just need less.
Needing help, a partner, a friend,
Someone on which i can depend.
Trying to trust that God has it all,
But finding that my faith is small.
I Let it go, but then i take it back
Unwilling to allow the line to slack
Stubborn and prideful, quiet and sad
Falling apart but pretending its not so bad.
Losing days in an endless wakeful sleep
Lost in the push and pull the hurt so deep.
How do i wake up and really release.
Make the heaviness begin to decrease.

This house is a ticking time bomb a powder keg about to blow. A family on the brink of destruction but no one seems to know.
To many variables for any one path to be right for all. So which ones survive, and which ones take the fall?
So much pressure I grapple with weight… make a choice make a call before it’s too late!
That ship has sailed there is no way to flee.
All exit ramps are a cascading detonations inside of me.
Why is it my decision, my choice, my weight to bear. Why am I the one caught in grief and guilts snare.
It doesn’t matter decisions were made a long time ago , but now I see the cracks starting to show.
Maybe they were there the whole time but invisible until I changed the view like a holographic image you can’t quite see through.
Trauma and triggers memories and fears. We all see it a little bit differently through the years.
This pain this grief I feel like it will break me. But I’ll take it all if it will set them free.