I wanted to throw mysef off
To freeze my fears
I knew they would vanish
Like the light,
Under the surface
You're not stone
You're suffering
Cold
Yet you're burning
With pain and desire
And then;

When you're deleting messages
They tell you how many they're getting rid of
32994 between us
Fighting
Telling each other we love the other
Fighting because I asked you to leave
Because I found out about her
It makes me sad
Cause I thought it was my fault
But you messed up
And he knows he has something
He wont let me go like you did

Im sick
Of people thinking I'm a "bad" girl.
I'm a girl.
I've kissed the wrong guy
At the wrong time
Not because I loved them
Or even liked
Because it was expected of me.
That's as far as I dared to go.
That was when I was scared
To show them I wasn't straight
I was bent 180°
And of course I was labelled
Never to my face
Well, once
And it was said by someone who I knew could hurt me.
But I'm not a bad girl.
I ******* up.
Not big but enough.
Bur I've stopped acting
Because I was expected to.
And now I've been judged again
By someone who I thought could trust me.
They can hurt me
Because they think they know my past.
And I don't want to leave them.
But I don't want to stay.
I'm sick.
But am I sick to stay
Or to leave?
I need help.
I'm not a bad girl.
I know.
I hope.

It is a sad day
When a grove in the brick
Is more interesting than the people around you

The dull subject doesn't hold a candle
To the hole in the wall

I can't remember
Every poem I've ever written
In my head.
Everything I see now is a poem.
It can be taken in
absorbed
And breathed out like carbon.
Thats how I see the world.
Through black and white
As read through a newspaper.
But I remember looking into glazed over eyes
With gold and grey and a blue background.
The only feature I like.
Anything I want can be reflected.
Or absorbed.
But I choose this moment to remember.
It isn't remarkable.
But it's memorable.
Not even.
It's just there.
To be absorbed.

Today I heard if you stop smoking for 28 days
You're more likely to quit then other people
Is that true for love
Maybe if I don't see you for that long
Don't allow myself to feel for you
The love
The pain you made me feel
I could get over you
But do I want to?

I believe my new favourite is time
When I'm in the bath
Although it was cold
No, warm
Cold-warm
And I thought about everything

The paleness of my legs
agains the bubbles
The millions of them didn't compare

I thought of the days events
And the prudish nature of my nanny
Brought out by the open nature of my aunt

I pondered the riddle
"Why is a raven like a writing desk"
But the author didn't have an answer
So why must I?
So I pondered no longer

My thoughts went back to bubbles
And how much fun they are to blow around the air
Without someone saying
"**** off"
Oh woh to be a child

The feeling of my hair living in the water
The touch addicting
Looks, mesmerising
The thrum of mini soldiers
In my ears as the push
The water out;
I'm sorry men
Just a little longer

And I think of getting out
And oh I don't want to
The waters gotten warmer
Probably from my own body heat
We find comfort in each others warmth
The bubbles are still alive
And I'm happy with my bath thoughts
But I must

I stand
I don't get out
I make funny faces in the mirror
Pull the towel around myself
And then slip out

I watch the water drain in a whirlpool
With all my fun bath thoughts

I don't have a bath at home
So I'll be sad to see them go

I don't need to hear it.
I don't want to know.
That I will be missed.
That I shouldn't hurt myself.
That life has a plan for me.
I'll hurt people if I go.
I know that.
I know people care.
But I can't pretend.
I can't be miserable
just to make people happy.
I can't live
for someone else.
I can't feel so desperate
that I need a release
all the time.
Alcohol or cutting edge.
Listening to music
so I can block out a world
full of destruction
and hate.
A world I can't stand.
I can't.
I don't have the energy.
I can't live anymore.
Im gonna try.
But I know.
It won't last.
I'll give up.
Because if I can't live for myself
then I don't see a point.

I couldn't breathe.
I wanted it to end.
I wanted to control my freedom.
It's useless.
To see tired lifeless eyes in the mirror
It kills you slowly each day.
A reflection can do that.
So I started to cut.
And I felt calm.
Is this what a poacher feels?
To see red blood on ivory tusk's?  
A poppy beside a lily.
It only lasts as long as a painkiller.
But I'm happy.
Pain has brought me joy.
And I know this is an insatiable thirst.
Maybe I'll die.
Maybe someone else will.
But I am now so sure
That I will enjoy
Every last drop.

Now I'm laughing.
It amuses me
The gore in my head.
My feelings have been frozen
Except for lust.
Lust for another's body.
To feel their heat.
To taste their blood.
To hear there moans.
Yes. I will feed for pleasure.
And my blood was what killed me.

I'm with every body
Yet by myself
Drunk yet sober
Happy yet anxious
How do I cope
Maybe I'd be better by myself
But I won't be
What do I do to stop this feeling
And let go like everyone else

I know it seems like I'm just freaking out over something small
To you it's nothing
And I realise it's small
But this one bad thing
Triggers a bad thought in my head
Witch then leads to another
And another
And another
Its a reaction I've never been able to stop
You just need to distract me

I peeled it off because I didn't like the colour.
I was going to change it
But then I saw the marks left
And I realised it was a reflection
Of how we are.
We don't like our origanal self's
And so we cover up
And while hiding we create scars
That aren't noticeable until we reveal them.
But we cover up with a new colour
So nobody would notice our scars.
But I don't need your approval of my colour.
I don't care if you judge my scars.
I do it for myself
So I don't have to see them
So I don't have to notice that sick feeling
Brought on by my wordless, shapeless, meaningless cover
That drapes me like a wet towel
And every time I colour again
Water is being dumped over me.
I don't care about you
So don't think you're special.
Your words and concerns mean nothing to me.
It's only the colour now.

What to choose?
Which life to end?
A girl who made a mistake
And can't lead her own life anymore
Who has to pay for someone else's
She doesn't want?
Or a child who hasn't been born
Who has a right to life
But who takes someone else's
Who won't be missed?
But how many people will she have to discard for this one child?
This mistake.

Messing with a gun
And accidently shoot yourself?
We're happy to help.
Drinking since 15
And need a new liver?
Here's one on a silver plater.
Made a mistake or ****** broke?
Deal with it
Its your own fault
You made your bed
Now the two of you lie in it.

Life is important.
But living life is the point
Don't take that away
For the sake of reproducing a species
Already overpopulated
Let the girl live.
And when she's ready
She'll give you want you want.
Until then
There are millions of people
Who need help with bigger problems
Then the right not to choose
So leave a person's choice alone
And let them live.

I've lost faith in words
Words have so many meanings
You can't know what they really mean

Perfect.
Nobody's perfect
And yet
Everyone is

Loyalty.
Being able to tell them everything
All the lies that they don't know because it won't hurt them

Imaginary.
It's not real
Yet it's the most real thing in my life

I love you.
Not the whole you
Not the future you
The you right now
That is perfect.
That is loyal.
That has such an imagination

I've lost faith in words
So how do I know what you mean?
How am I suppose to tell you without you misunderstanding?
Easy.
Don't speak.

Me not wanting to talk to you
Does not mean I'm mad
It means my limit for human contact
Has been reached
And I'm acting like an *******
So people will leave me in my misery

There's a chemical in you're head
It makes you happy
I'm either overdosing on it
Or completely dried up
It's the latter most of the time
Why?

People don't like the sight of it
But there's something calming about
Watching the red drip down my leg
The water gets in and it stings
But it distracts from the pain in my chest so it's fine
Maybe if I hurt there next it'll go away
The contrast of the hot water
And the cold tiles are nice
And I know i shouldn't
I'm not gonna wanna die later
So I take a small razor
It won't be to bad
Just enough to draw enough blood to satisfy me
But how long will this much be enough?

I know we're forever
That I need you always
So believe me when I say it's not
That I wanted to leave you
Its that you would be better without me
Thank you for helping me see that
I was wrong

I'm  sweltering
Suffocating.
Everyone's here
Howling, muttering
Just a collage of voices
I don't care about.
I should
But I can't bring myself to.
I walk outside
The sun burns and I can still hear everything so clearly.
The moon comes out.
Mute.
I see her
Under a streetlight
Leaning, metal on leather.
I can breathe.
I don't need to listen or talk
She understands
And we leave
At last, at least
That's what I think it would feel like.
For now
I'm still suffocating.

I never needed a lot
A book
Some paper to write on
Good music and tasty food
But now I've found myself wanting money
Not a lot
Just enough to see you
I'm greedy to see your face
And your eyes that hold me with care
I want to hear your voice that teases me
And always tells me that you love me
Even when I don't deserve it
I want to feel you arms holding me
I'm yours and you can have all of me
And it kills me every day I don't see you
And it kills me more that the only thing keeping me away is a few euros
Something I've never cared for has become my enemy
Keeping me from you
So yes I'm greedy
But I will pay for my sins
As long as I get to spend forever and always with you

I wrote about you
But then I realised I didn't want anyone to read it
I wanted to keep my thoughts to myself
I don't need anyone else
Even you
Knowing that you've made me immensely happy
Made me want to live
Cause every now and then
I get the urge
To just end it
The thought of you is enough to keep me here
But this time I don't think it's enough
I don't think I can hold on
I don't think I want to
I don't have the energy anymore.

How do I know?
Will I see a sign?
Will she tell me?
Will she make a move first?
I know she's scared.
Maybe even more than me
But I want her
To hold
To laugh with.
I want to look into her eyes
And see my love reflected.
Maybe not love at first
But it will he enough
To know she would give me a chance
To love her.
I want to kiss her
On her cheek
Lips
Forehead
Without being judged
Or without her think g we are being judgd.
I just want her faint blush when I do.
I want her.
But am I allowed?
What if I lose her by trying.
What if I lose her by not?

I knew when I met you
I shouldn't keep you
Cause i need you so much
I can't let you go
Even if you'll be better off
All I can do is watch
The tears down my glasses
And wish you were here to hold
And forgive me

It made me feel normal.
No.
It made me feel close to you.
I thought I was letting you down.
So I melted straight.
For you.
It backfired.
It hit you straight in the heart.
I couldn't pretend anymore.
So I told you.
I was bent out of shape.
We stopped talking.
You stopped waiting.
And I lost the best thing in my life.
Because I couldn't face who I was.
I couldn't just sink on my own.
You had to come with me.
Then I tried it again.
Being straight.
I was so scared.
And then so relieved it didn't happen.
But you found out
The wind found you
And whispered in your ear
Lies of course.
But I was ashamed.
And you took it the wrong way.
Like everybody else.
But I didn't care what they thought.
It was always you.
Just because I wasn't in love with you
Didn't mean I didn't love you.
I let you down again.
I'm sorry.
You'll never hear this.
It's been to long ago.
But the scars are still there.
The memories.
I still miss you.

You're not good for me
You make me happy when I was used to being miserable
I felt nothing and was content with that
I never needed anything
But now I know what happy is
What love it
You gave me that
You made me feel
That ache in my stomach
That pain in my chest
The heart ache when you're not here
Now I need you
Now I'm ******* to never let this feeling go
But I don't want the pain anymore
I want to feel numb
I miss it

I'm so sorry
I'm sorry I'm not good a talking
That I've spent my whole life
Believing that if I say something
I'll get rejected and ridiculed.
I'm sorry I'm scared of meeting new people
Because if they're you're friends I want to know them
But my past experiences keep me from engaging
In case I ruin everything again
In case I break another friendship
I break someone else's trust.
I'm sorry I don't say I love you enough
Because I'm scared that one day you'll see I'm not worth it
And then all the "I love yous" will crush my heart.
I'm sorry when you bear your soul for me to see
That I can't form a sentence
Because I want to ease the pain
I want to be able to tell you how amazing you are
But my shyness and fear of people
Of getting close to someone
Has left me ill -equipped for helping you
For saying what's on my mind.
I'm sorry I can't tell you why I'm like this
Why I act like mean and distant and full if self doubt
When I know you just want me to be honest.
I'm sorry I can't tell you very time I've been hurt
Because what if you leave me when you see every scar
Not just on my skin but in me.
I'm sorry you have to deal with what others have done to me
And I'm sorry that you love me
That me crying over you hurts you
That you caring for me causes you pain
But I'll never leave you
So please if you can't stand this leave now
I won't blame you
But please don't
Don't leave me
I'm sorry
I'll try harder I promise
I'm so sorry.

"We want to support you through this time"
This time is now my life
I will never stop mourning
I can only try to get used to this
Empty heaviness that takes up half my heart
And you will never be able to support me through my whole life
You can't
And I don't want a crutch
But thanks for giving me a thought
For a split second that only appears when you saw me
And when you see me it's all you see
Not how happy I once was
(And am now)
But how miserable I must be
But I really am thankful
You care enough to acknowledge this happened
My own blood just swept it under the carpet
Like they didn't want there perfect friends to see
That I'm hurting
That years later I've never mourned
I have my family now that loves me
And I love them
But this thought is with at least once a day
Like a bad habit

So many emotions will flood you
Just looking at a grave.

They say you put everything into a piece of art
So what if a piece of you is left with it.
And then you are stuck in a room
Constantly surrounded by the same walls
I know I would feel depressed.
And if they painted enough
Enough of there soul would be stuck in a room forever.
Maddening.
Maybe that's also why they appreciated the outside beauty
Because that part of there soul knows what is is like to be trapped
And the shard left is there to take in as much as it can.
Be it a porcelain beauty
Or a thieving crow.
They know they must take it in
And never live like their paintings.
Trapped.

It's all in your head.
Then why can I hear the voices screaming?
Why can I taste the tears on my lips?
Why can I see the darkness clouding my vision?
Why can I smell the blood from my wounds?
Why can I feel the pain in my chest?
If it's in my head,
Why is it all around me?

I like her

It's her eyes
The brightest I've ever seen
Yet so brown,
It must be a sign of a siren.

It's how fierce she is
Not caring
And yet she blushes like a blooming flower
Whenever we talk indecently.

It's the way she criticises you
Purposely as a joke
And then she will do it herself.

It's her quirks
Always having sugar and chocolate
And yet always having toothpaste and brush.

It's her accent
So clear and foreign
And yet you can't understand her on the phone.

It's when I call her cute
And she tells me to shut up
But she smiles a little.

It's her taste in music
And how she goes mad when we talk about them.

It's how she wouldn't admit she likes me
But I pine because of that look she gives me.

It's how she is
Always just so

****,
Am I in love?

I'm sitting wrapped in a towel
Wet and lonely
Wishing your arms were around me
But because of my fears I feel like you'd rather have them around somebody else
Maybe they are
Please for the love of god
Brain please stop
He's sleeping
Hopefully dreaming
But probably not about me

It was surreal
Like only a bit of me was really
The part of me that wanted to ease my mam's mind
So I walked in
And I sat awkwardly
She asked why I was there
I looked to my mam but I knew I had to answer.

Why?
Because I hurt
Because I feel miserable
Because I feel like hanging from rope
Will be easier than rising from bed tomorrow.
Because I found a way to help myself
That nobody else thinks is a good idea
Because they don't get it.

"The school saw I was hurting myself and recommending going to my gp."
That's what I said.
We had a talk
About things they thought were important
Not about important things
I never added anything
Maybe because my mam was there
Maybe because I didn't want anyone to see
How ****** up I really am.

I saw someone for a couple of weeks
Teaching me things I know how to do
I'm just scared to do them.
They said "anxiety"
Where I said suicidal
They don't know
And they don't care
If they really did
They would ask more
Talk more
Help more.
Why should they care?
It's my problem
I don't want to burden the people that would care.

So I talked to a professional
For my mam's sake
Not mine.
It didn't work.

It is only my first class
And yet hours have flown by
Only so many ticking of the clock
And yet
I have heard thousands of pages being flipped
And an endless tap-tap-tap-tap-tapping
What meaningless words are you typing
May I join?
What you have has no mention of
Swearing, ****** or vows
I could make it so interesting
That you would be sent to the madhouse
All the stabbings I've imagined
Just one
Maybe I'll mention your unique death wish
But there is only a few more seconds
And my next class is calling
And my next imaginary victim is screaming

The river at night looks beautiful
Thick almost one
With the light on it it looks like paint
Like ***** Wonka's chocolate factory
If I fell in it looks like it'd be soft
But I won't
Not because I have any regard for my own life
But because it would be a pity to disturb it

I'm missing you
My every thought consists of you're face
You're warmth
You're little beard that's actually quite soft
And when I see you again
I'll say everything I missed
Cause I know what it'll do
And I missed you're smile

It's a bubble
I can see everything
I can hear but they're muffled sounds
I'm suffocating
But I'm safe
I want to reach out and touch
Pop it
But if I do the whole world I was protecting myself from
Will fall on me
Like me being aloud to wonder will break everything
So I stay separated
Careful not to burst it

I saw a star tonight
It glistened with absolute certainty
Such I have never felt
And it made me feel powerful
If was just oozing off you
Floating like fog that you could not contain
And it seeped into my skin
And made it glow like yours
You gave me that confidence to be new
Inventive and not scarred of who I am
I am different
And powerful
And proud
And although it is a sin
Let the devil give me power
You must be because although I have never met you
Your radiance
Like a star to a child
Has given all that I need
To be myself
I will never have your confidence
But I will have the power to be myself.
Thank you for reminding me of that.

When you talk to new people
Or your friends
You can hear the country lad
When you go serious conversation
Or are mad at me
You can hear the city boy
When you're singing
Or whispering
You can hear some American
But whatever your accent is
You can hear the love towards me

Do you remember what it felt like?
You'd see other people
And how they talked to each other
And you couldn't  help the face that made it's way out
You called it sickly and cringe

And then you met the person
Who made you feel sickly sweet when they said "I love you"
And you pretended you weren't effected
But your heart pounded

What was this?
Because I never felt this before
I never missed anybody
But my bed
And now I want you to lie here with me
And I remember the feeling of pure dissapointment like never before
Because I haven't seen you in 2 weeks
And now you can't come

I can't feel your sweet lips with your hair tickling me
So I now understand why people act like that
And mind you I'll still make fun of them
But it's to show that I love you
And only you
And I miss you
So I'm sending out good thoughts
To my man in a different county.

What is a dreams shadow
I have often wondered?
I believe it is that feeling
Of not being able to remember it
That terrible feeling.
It's not a physical thing.
I know people will think I'm mad
Feeling down about something I can't even remember
But it's what I lose
My memories that my mind has created
Just for me
Just so I could have a pleasant dream
Or an eventful one
If I do happen to wake in a sweat.
Maybe that's why
Because it's only for me
It doesn't want me to tell anyone else
About my adventures
But I promise I won't
I just need to see them once more
So this aching chest can be free
So I can know what you want me to.
I will never be able to recall
And that might be the most heart breaking thing
I can do to myself.

I bit off my finger
And spit it up into the tree
The sun makes me thinks this
The leaves pillow in my head
I look directly at it
With my finger at the core
The sun is to obnoxious to allow me to see even my own fIngertip!
A branch poking in the corner
Makes me believe my bloodied finger is hanging in the air
In reality it is just water
My wet *** and muddied boots are proof of this
The bird only stops chirping to feed digit to its chick

It was strange
But not because I felt excluded
Not because I felt judged
But because for the first time
I felt like I  fitted in
I was part of the crowd
Not just looking at it
They accepted me
Because I was like them.
I was always a black person
My clothes were devoid of colour
And I thought my soul was black
But they showed me the rainbow
That I was part of it
Black is the mixture of all colours
That's why it's my soul
Not because I'm dull
Because you have to understand to see my colours
And they understood
I was content
I talked to stranger's
I felt like crying for people I didn't know
Because they made it possible
For me to feel
Like the rainbow I am.
That might be cringey
But I'll allow myself to be
Just this once.

I do not care to glare at the sun
It's harsh hair is mocking in beauty
And it's wide ears take in non of my concerns
It sits for a bakers dozen and sleeps
While we worry the nights away
It does not fear a spiders Web
Or the buzzing of a electric house close by
It brings light our troubles
And then sleeps soundly on a cloud
While we ponder what dreadful fears it has brought
It's greets you with teeth
But it is only when you depart
Do you see its daggers

I looked in the mirror
And I don't know which part of me I had seen
So many faces
All familar
How can I have so many people
Trapped inside me?
I want to let them go
But who do I choose to stay?
I need them all
Different faces
For different occasions
I have shut myself out
From my own mind
And have become comfortable
With these foreigners
Simple because
I dont want to bother anymore
I don't want anyone seeing my true self
Not even me
If I can find her that is.

He's out there.
I can feel it.
His breath through the crack in the wood.
He knows I'm here
But he won't open the door.
He's waiting for me to ***** up.
He's trying to scare me, knife in hand
It won't work.
That's why he's here
Because he's scared
Because he's been here before
But the feeling of dread was worse
Because he was tied to a chair
So was his young wife
And best foolish friend who tried to help.
I had a scissors
And knifes
And jumper cables
(They were fun)
And a big toothy grin.
Only he survived
So he's the one that's scared
to open the door
He hears something behind him
He turns
His mistake
I have a knife as well
The police will see it as my defending myself
But they will be protecting the culprit
Not the victim.
"A sweet, little, anxious girl could never hurt someone without reason
Right?"