It was strange
But not because I felt excluded
Not because I felt judged
But because for the first time
I felt like I  fitted in
I was part of the crowd
Not just looking at it
They accepted me
Because I was like them.
I was always a black person
My clothes were devoid of colour
And I thought my soul was black
But they showed me the rainbow
That I was part of it
Black is the mixture of all colours
That's why it's my soul
Not because I'm dull
Because you have to understand to see my colours
And they understood
I was content
I talked to stranger's
I felt like crying for people I didn't know
Because they made it possible
For me to feel
Like the rainbow I am.
That might be cringey
But I'll allow myself to be
Just this once.

I'll say I love you
Not to hear it back
But just to let you know
To see that little smile in your eyes
So you know you're my world

I've lost faith in words
Words have so many meanings
You can't know what they really mean

Perfect.
Nobody's perfect
And yet
Everyone is

Loyalty.
Being able to tell them everything
All the lies that they don't know because it won't hurt them

Imaginary.
It's not real
Yet it's the most real thing in my life

I love you.
Not the whole you
Not the future you
The you right now
That is perfect.
That is loyal.
That has such an imagination

I've lost faith in words
So how do I know what you mean?
How am I suppose to tell you without you misunderstanding?
Easy.
Don't speak.

I want someone to know me well enough
That they know when I'm actually tired
Or when I'm just saying it to hide behind

Would you still like a flower
If it did not let you pick it
Would you still find the mist mesmerising
If you could catch it
Would you still want me
If all I wanted to do was talk
Would you be satisfied like me
Or would you carry on with someone new
Because I'm a friend
And that's all
I don't want to be picked
I just want the pleasure of your company
But that's not why you came
So I'm afraid
You'll have to endure your days without me
Because I don't want this
And I think I've found the power to say no

You're the reason I'm alive
Because If I die and there's a heaven
I'll spend eternity wishing I was back with you
If I die and then get reincarnated
I'll spend my next life feeling like something's missing
I was never scared of dying
I'm still not
I'm scared of losing you.

It's funny how you dont care about things that are important
Or things that don't matter.
Like life
Or this poem rhyming
Or spelling
Or people understanding it
I just feel like staring at a ceiling
Or hanging from it
I don't even care if a murderer would come and **** me now
It's just an overwelming feeling pushing at my skin
And I don't even care
My best friends seem like nothing
And my enemy knife and rope are what I imagine
Blood running down the drain
I paused the movie and don't care to Un pause it
I don't even want to walk up the stairsbut
I will
And I will stare at the ceiling until the harsh morning light comes
And I will not pay attention to anything
People will call me lazy.
And I will not care
I don't even care to give this a title
So use your imagination
Cause I'm all dried up.

I love the sight of rain on a sad day.
You listen to the opposite of your feel good song
You listen to something with edge and feeling
Not a #1 hit.
You feel the warm water drip down you like sweat after seeing your lover.
And you take comfort in the familiar warmth
And you smile.
Then it hails but you're still not bothered
Because it's still warm
As long as the chill doesn't come then you're fine.
Then you take my hand
And nothing matters anymore.

I wanna die
Maybe then I'll be able to breathe

It made me feel normal.
No.
It made me feel close to you.
I thought I was letting you down.
So I melted straight.
For you.
It backfired.
It hit you straight in the heart.
I couldn't pretend anymore.
So I told you.
I was bent out of shape.
We stopped talking.
You stopped waiting.
And I lost the best thing in my life.
Because I couldn't face who I was.
I couldn't just sink on my own.
You had to come with me.
Then I tried it again.
Being straight.
I was so scared.
And then so relieved it didn't happen.
But you found out
The wind found you
And whispered in your ear
Lies of course.
But I was ashamed.
And you took it the wrong way.
Like everybody else.
But I didn't care what they thought.
It was always you.
Just because I wasn't in love with you
Didn't mean I didn't love you.
I let you down again.
I'm sorry.
You'll never hear this.
It's been to long ago.
But the scars are still there.
The memories.
I still miss you.

I'm sitting in the corner
Watching you all have a good time
And I can't help but think you're a happy family
You're a little broken
But perfect as well
And you're yourself
I have a whole family
But I'd give anything for this
You feel safe around each other
Not scared
I want that

The river at night looks beautiful
Thick almost one
With the light on it it looks like paint
Like ***** Wonka's chocolate factory
If I fell in it looks like it'd be soft
But I won't
Not because I have any regard for my own life
But because it would be a pity to disturb it

I've officially hit rock bottom
And they burned the ladder
So I can't climb back up

It's like looking through a keyhole
the first time you look; black
you don't understand, so
you walk away
but you look again
your eyes adjust
realization washes over you
but that's only the first break in the riptide.
Not true perception.
The next moment you see clouds
and the flooded floor
but is it acid
or saline?
There's something lying on the ground
a wounded dog?
No.
But a wounded soul
nails digging into hair and skin.
"It's just a headache"
they would say
If they were on your side of the door
but peeking through the keyhole
you can see the demons.

Iron.
That's what you recognize as the scent of the cell
It doesn't repulse you
It draws you in
like blue electric light.
Chains start to scratch your ears
yelling and moaning fill your head
but you're not frightened
you're not frightened.

The last sense is the one you burn for
to touch
to help and to hug
to comfort them,
Bur your not trying to help them
you came here for yourself
you want them to help you
you thought seeing this broken bone could help.
Release you
from your cell.
Did it?
If only for a little while.
Do you feel better?
Back to your burning cell
you return to flames.
You would trade your prison for theirs in a heartbeat
and they would greedily take
the key from your hands.
They want to feel that burnng
but it can't be
So will you ever return now?
Just for envy?
For longing?
Or peace in misery?
They would.
It is a poets nature
to keep returning to those memories of burning
If not for an instant
then never.
Because that's what happens
when you peep through another's keyhole.

I can look at the sky
And stare at it's endless beauty
But if your face isn't above
with the clouds
It all seems pointless
Without colour

How do I know?
Will I see a sign?
Will she tell me?
Will she make a move first?
I know she's scared.
Maybe even more than me
But I want her
To hold
To laugh with.
I want to look into her eyes
And see my love reflected.
Maybe not love at first
But it will he enough
To know she would give me a chance
To love her.
I want to kiss her
On her cheek
Lips
Forehead
Without being judged
Or without her think g we are being judgd.
I just want her faint blush when I do.
I want her.
But am I allowed?
What if I lose her by trying.
What if I lose her by not?

I hate money
I hate how paper and metal
Can get people so worked up
How it is now a necessity in today's society
It can tear people apart
It can **** people
It can ruin a family
I've seen it all
It can get you anything in the world
But as I sit listening to a quarrel about cash
I wish it never exsisted
I wish this greed wasn't here
So Pandora
Close the box
Zues
Take back your gift
Because I can't listen to this anymore
I know they don't want to believe it
But when it comes down to it
Something as delicate as money
With tear this family apart.

It's all in your head.
Then why can I hear the voices screaming?
Why can I taste the tears on my lips?
Why can I see the darkness clouding my vision?
Why can I smell the blood from my wounds?
Why can I feel the pain in my chest?
If it's in my head,
Why is it all around me?

I wanted to throw mysef off
To freeze my fears
I knew they would vanish
Like the light,
Under the surface
You're not stone
You're suffering
Cold
Yet you're burning
With pain and desire
And then;

It is a sad day
When a grove in the brick
Is more interesting than the people around you

The dull subject doesn't hold a candle
To the hole in the wall

Nothing in the world is worth losing you
So why am I risking this?
The playful part of me isn't gone
I don't know if it ever will be
It wants something exciting
And dangerous
It's not worth losing you
But I can't stop myself

He's out there.
I can feel it.
His breath through the crack in the wood.
He knows I'm here
But he won't open the door.
He's waiting for me to ***** up.
He's trying to scare me, knife in hand
It won't work.
That's why he's here
Because he's scared
Because he's been here before
But the feeling of dread was worse
Because he was tied to a chair
So was his young wife
And best foolish friend who tried to help.
I had a scissors
And knifes
And jumper cables
(They were fun)
And a big toothy grin.
Only he survived
So he's the one that's scared
to open the door
He hears something behind him
He turns
His mistake
I have a knife as well
The police will see it as my defending myself
But they will be protecting the culprit
Not the victim.
"A sweet, little, anxious girl could never hurt someone without reason
Right?"

I want to walk.
I want to walk to LA
I want to see it as the sun hides behind the horizon.
I want to walk to Greece
And see the ancient city
I know I must have lived there once.
I live on an island.
I want to walk across the water and escape
From this unbearable roller costar feeling.
But I only walk for an hour.
I let the music fill me
And then I think about how to rid myself of this hunger that doesn't alow me to eat.
Then, later
I walk home.
That growing pain.
But I feel easy.
I may not have walked to my hearts destination.
But I walked so the wind blows through my head
And takes some fears away.
I walked away from these walls I'm scared of.
Now I walk back.

It was surreal
Like only a bit of me was really
The part of me that wanted to ease my mam's mind
So I walked in
And I sat awkwardly
She asked why I was there
I looked to my mam but I knew I had to answer.

Why?
Because I hurt
Because I feel miserable
Because I feel like hanging from rope
Will be easier than rising from bed tomorrow.
Because I found a way to help myself
That nobody else thinks is a good idea
Because they don't get it.

"The school saw I was hurting myself and recommending going to my gp."
That's what I said.
We had a talk
About things they thought were important
Not about important things
I never added anything
Maybe because my mam was there
Maybe because I didn't want anyone to see
How ****** up I really am.

I saw someone for a couple of weeks
Teaching me things I know how to do
I'm just scared to do them.
They said "anxiety"
Where I said suicidal
They don't know
And they don't care
If they really did
They would ask more
Talk more
Help more.
Why should they care?
It's my problem
I don't want to burden the people that would care.

So I talked to a professional
For my mam's sake
Not mine.
It didn't work.

I know we're forever
That I need you always
So believe me when I say it's not
That I wanted to leave you
Its that you would be better without me
Thank you for helping me see that
I was wrong

I looked in the mirror
And I don't know which part of me I had seen
So many faces
All familar
How can I have so many people
Trapped inside me?
I want to let them go
But who do I choose to stay?
I need them all
Different faces
For different occasions
I have shut myself out
From my own mind
And have become comfortable
With these foreigners
Simple because
I dont want to bother anymore
I don't want anyone seeing my true self
Not even me
If I can find her that is.

I know it seems like I'm just freaking out over something small
To you it's nothing
And I realise it's small
But this one bad thing
Triggers a bad thought in my head
Witch then leads to another
And another
And another
Its a reaction I've never been able to stop
You just need to distract me

I'm not cruel
Or brutal
I'm truthful
But people only want the truth when it suits them

I never needed a lot
A book
Some paper to write on
Good music and tasty food
But now I've found myself wanting money
Not a lot
Just enough to see you
I'm greedy to see your face
And your eyes that hold me with care
I want to hear your voice that teases me
And always tells me that you love me
Even when I don't deserve it
I want to feel you arms holding me
I'm yours and you can have all of me
And it kills me every day I don't see you
And it kills me more that the only thing keeping me away is a few euros
Something I've never cared for has become my enemy
Keeping me from you
So yes I'm greedy
But I will pay for my sins
As long as I get to spend forever and always with you

I think it's the only separation I'll agree with
The only wall I'll love to stare at
A wall of light
Separating the sky and land
They can never be one
And yet they still try to touch
I often wonder whether the horizon is what's seperating them
Or helping them to come together
Should I hate it for it's ignorance
Or love it for it's beauty
Or should I turn back for to real world
And forget my short lived love
Or get lost in it's contrast
And feel fulfilled
From its cold love.

I can't remember
Every poem I've ever written
In my head.
Everything I see now is a poem.
It can be taken in
absorbed
And breathed out like carbon.
Thats how I see the world.
Through black and white
As read through a newspaper.
But I remember looking into glazed over eyes
With gold and grey and a blue background.
The only feature I like.
Anything I want can be reflected.
Or absorbed.
But I choose this moment to remember.
It isn't remarkable.
But it's memorable.
Not even.
It's just there.
To be absorbed.

So many emotions will flood you
Just looking at a grave.

What to choose?
Which life to end?
A girl who made a mistake
And can't lead her own life anymore
Who has to pay for someone else's
She doesn't want?
Or a child who hasn't been born
Who has a right to life
But who takes someone else's
Who won't be missed?
But how many people will she have to discard for this one child?
This mistake.

Messing with a gun
And accidently shoot yourself?
We're happy to help.
Drinking since 15
And need a new liver?
Here's one on a silver plater.
Made a mistake or ****** broke?
Deal with it
Its your own fault
You made your bed
Now the two of you lie in it.

Life is important.
But living life is the point
Don't take that away
For the sake of reproducing a species
Already overpopulated
Let the girl live.
And when she's ready
She'll give you want you want.
Until then
There are millions of people
Who need help with bigger problems
Then the right not to choose
So leave a person's choice alone
And let them live.

Do you ever miss someone who doesnt deserve it
It comes and you don't even realise it
And you're talking to someone who makes you feel
Like you're the most beautiful ever
But your heart hurts and wants
For some who doesn't deserve it
Why won't it learn
Why can't it

It's odd losing everything you lose
Cause it hurts your heart
Just as much as the pills you can't stop taking
Even though you've taken enough to do the trick

I like her

It's her eyes
The brightest I've ever seen
Yet so brown,
It must be a sign of a siren.

It's how fierce she is
Not caring
And yet she blushes like a blooming flower
Whenever we talk indecently.

It's the way she criticises you
Purposely as a joke
And then she will do it herself.

It's her quirks
Always having sugar and chocolate
And yet always having toothpaste and brush.

It's her accent
So clear and foreign
And yet you can't understand her on the phone.

It's when I call her cute
And she tells me to shut up
But she smiles a little.

It's her taste in music
And how she goes mad when we talk about them.

It's how she wouldn't admit she likes me
But I pine because of that look she gives me.

It's how she is
Always just so

****,
Am I in love?

Do you remember what it felt like?
You'd see other people
And how they talked to each other
And you couldn't  help the face that made it's way out
You called it sickly and cringe

And then you met the person
Who made you feel sickly sweet when they said "I love you"
And you pretended you weren't effected
But your heart pounded

What was this?
Because I never felt this before
I never missed anybody
But my bed
And now I want you to lie here with me
And I remember the feeling of pure dissapointment like never before
Because I haven't seen you in 2 weeks
And now you can't come

I can't feel your sweet lips with your hair tickling me
So I now understand why people act like that
And mind you I'll still make fun of them
But it's to show that I love you
And only you
And I miss you
So I'm sending out good thoughts
To my man in a different county.

I couldn't breathe.
I wanted it to end.
I wanted to control my freedom.
It's useless.
To see tired lifeless eyes in the mirror
It kills you slowly each day.
A reflection can do that.
So I started to cut.
And I felt calm.
Is this what a poacher feels?
To see red blood on ivory tusk's?  
A poppy beside a lily.
It only lasts as long as a painkiller.
But I'm happy.
Pain has brought me joy.
And I know this is an insatiable thirst.
Maybe I'll die.
Maybe someone else will.
But I am now so sure
That I will enjoy
Every last drop.

Now I'm laughing.
It amuses me
The gore in my head.
My feelings have been frozen
Except for lust.
Lust for another's body.
To feel their heat.
To taste their blood.
To hear there moans.
Yes. I will feed for pleasure.
And my blood was what killed me.

My pet peeve is grammar
I love it
I need it to be perfect
But around her I can't talk
I mess up my words
When I text her
I forget my full stops
I spell my words wrong
I don't reread my text three times
Because I want so badly to see her reply
I want to hear her talk
I love being able to make her laugh
She's able to make me forget my major thing
And replace it with herself.

Me not wanting to talk to you
Does not mean I'm mad
It means my limit for human contact
Has been reached
And I'm acting like an *******
So people will leave me in my misery

I don't need to hear it.
I don't want to know.
That I will be missed.
That I shouldn't hurt myself.
That life has a plan for me.
I'll hurt people if I go.
I know that.
I know people care.
But I can't pretend.
I can't be miserable
just to make people happy.
I can't live
for someone else.
I can't feel so desperate
that I need a release
all the time.
Alcohol or cutting edge.
Listening to music
so I can block out a world
full of destruction
and hate.
A world I can't stand.
I can't.
I don't have the energy.
I can't live anymore.
Im gonna try.
But I know.
It won't last.
I'll give up.
Because if I can't live for myself
then I don't see a point.

I believe my new favourite is time
When I'm in the bath
Although it was cold
No, warm
Cold-warm
And I thought about everything

The paleness of my legs
agains the bubbles
The millions of them didn't compare

I thought of the days events
And the prudish nature of my nanny
Brought out by the open nature of my aunt

I pondered the riddle
"Why is a raven like a writing desk"
But the author didn't have an answer
So why must I?
So I pondered no longer

My thoughts went back to bubbles
And how much fun they are to blow around the air
Without someone saying
"**** off"
Oh woh to be a child

The feeling of my hair living in the water
The touch addicting
Looks, mesmerising
The thrum of mini soldiers
In my ears as the push
The water out;
I'm sorry men
Just a little longer

And I think of getting out
And oh I don't want to
The waters gotten warmer
Probably from my own body heat
We find comfort in each others warmth
The bubbles are still alive
And I'm happy with my bath thoughts
But I must

I stand
I don't get out
I make funny faces in the mirror
Pull the towel around myself
And then slip out

I watch the water drain in a whirlpool
With all my fun bath thoughts

I don't have a bath at home
So I'll be sad to see them go

There's a chemical in you're head
It makes you happy
I'm either overdosing on it
Or completely dried up
It's the latter most of the time
Why?

When you're deleting messages
They tell you how many they're getting rid of
32994 between us
Fighting
Telling each other we love the other
Fighting because I asked you to leave
Because I found out about her
It makes me sad
Cause I thought it was my fault
But you messed up
And he knows he has something
He wont let me go like you did

I'm sitting wrapped in a towel
Wet and lonely
Wishing your arms were around me
But because of my fears I feel like you'd rather have them around somebody else
Maybe they are
Please for the love of god
Brain please stop
He's sleeping
Hopefully dreaming
But probably not about me