When you're deleting messages
They tell you how many they're getting rid of
32994 between us
Fighting
Telling each other we love the other
Fighting because I asked you to leave
Because I found out about her
It makes me sad
Cause I thought it was my fault
But you messed up
And he knows he has something
He wont let me go like you did

When I rule the world
You will not be by my side.
You will be unknown
Because someone will always try to overthrow the ruler.
And they will do that by breaking your heart
And taking the people most closed to you.
I will be with you as much as I can,
with our true friends.
I don't need you by my side every second to rule the world.
I need you here in the streets
To be with me.
To love me.
Because I don't need the world to know our love.
I just need you know that I love you.
I need you to know that I will rule the world
With your love in my heart at all times
a
And I will fall with the knowledge
that you will hold me up.
Because if you were to rule, I
I shall do the same.

It's amazing how I feel torn apart without you holding me
When before I couldn't wait for the hugs to stop
I want you to rest your chin on my head
And whisper nice things into my hair
As you kiss me
But instead I'm on a train
Away from you
It looks clinical
Out of a syfi movie
And I can't breathe

People don't like the sight of it
But there's something calming about
Watching the red drip down my leg
The water gets in and it stings
But it distracts from the pain in my chest so it's fine
Maybe if I hurt there next it'll go away
The contrast of the hot water
And the cold tiles are nice
And I know i shouldn't
I'm not gonna wanna die later
So I take a small razor
It won't be to bad
Just enough to draw enough blood to satisfy me
But how long will this much be enough?

I love the winter
The cold whether
Perfect for long sleeves
That hide my scars and freshness
And the only evidence is when it seeps through
So I buy a red jumper to hide it

If you were about to be crucified
And it was certain you'd die
Would you deal with the pain
And the certainty
That was going to be your last earthly feeling
Or would you give that feeling to someone else?
Knowing that they would live
But they would live with that pain
And the memory of it.
Would you save yourself the torture
As a dying man doesn't deserve it.
He should have a painless send off.
Or would you endure it
To save that unknowing man
The pain he will have to live with
But that you will never have to feel again.

When you talk to new people
Or your friends
You can hear the country lad
When you go serious conversation
Or are mad at me
You can hear the city boy
When you're singing
Or whispering
You can hear some American
But whatever your accent is
You can hear the love towards me

Im sick
Of people thinking I'm a "bad" girl.
I'm a girl.
I've kissed the wrong guy
At the wrong time
Not because I loved them
Or even liked
Because it was expected of me.
That's as far as I dared to go.
That was when I was scared
To show them I wasn't straight
I was bent 180°
And of course I was labelled
Never to my face
Well, once
And it was said by someone who I knew could hurt me.
But I'm not a bad girl.
I ******* up.
Not big but enough.
Bur I've stopped acting
Because I was expected to.
And now I've been judged again
By someone who I thought could trust me.
They can hurt me
Because they think they know my past.
And I don't want to leave them.
But I don't want to stay.
I'm sick.
But am I sick to stay
Or to leave?
I need help.
I'm not a bad girl.
I know.
I hope.

I knew when I met you
I shouldn't keep you
Cause i need you so much
I can't let you go
Even if you'll be better off
All I can do is watch
The tears down my glasses
And wish you were here to hold
And forgive me

It was simple
But it meant everything.
I always feel anxious
On guard
Never safe with anyone.
But you didn't believe me
When I lied
And you didn't push
When I tried to deny it.
We both know it was false.
But we lay there.
The grass tickling my nose.
And you didn't judge.
You traced my scars as if to sooth me.
Not to lecture me
Like so many others
You're the only one that's able to calm me.
Thank you.
For not saying anything.
When others would of shot words of "wisdom" at me.
Thank you.
For knowing what I needed.
Or more what I didn't need.
Thank you.

I can handle being rejected
I can cope
Because I know I will get over it
I know that I can move on
I've done it before.
What I can't handle
Is someone telling me
"I don't know"
Or not giving me a straight answer.
Someone who knows they will never be with me
But not telling me directly
Someone who "likes" me
But can't admit it
I can handling being friends after a rejection
But I can't handle you not having your **** together
Because I'm pining after someone who doesn't realise I'm so into them
That I'm hurting for them
I'm waiting for them
So please just tell me
Yes or no
Because that's less painfull
Than having my heart broken
Almost fixed
And then smashed again.

I'm not sure what I find most beautiful
Looking out the window in my journey
Seeing the world go by and turn
A thousand lives I'll never be part of
A world I'll never really belong to
But love being an audience to,
Or the paper with nothing but words
The spectacular times playing in my head
While I pick a song that better enhances it
This world beckons me in
I'm watching but somehow still apart of the drama.
Hmm which is more beautiful?
Or are the both equal in their own way?

You think magic is seeing a wand emit sparks and spells
But I see it in the brilliance of a light bulb
The flowering of a bud.
You see wonder in the world's you see in your mind
I see it in the realitys I have not yet visited.
You see miracles as a single light, shone from the heavens
I see in it in every act, every day.

I see misery in every life.
I see sadness around every corner.
I see greed in every hand full of money.
And I see lifelessness in everyone I see.

But despite that
I found a way to live.
Not by wishing on a star
But by the beauty around me.
The city lights at night
The flowers by moonlight
The wispering winds in my ear.

I see such heinous act in the light of day
But at night I see my fantasy world come alive.
You don't need the glass promise of a world unseen
You just need to find it in your surroundings.
Because at night
That is where the unique come out to play.

You're not good for me
You make me happy when I was used to being miserable
I felt nothing and was content with that
I never needed anything
But now I know what happy is
What love it
You gave me that
You made me feel
That ache in my stomach
That pain in my chest
The heart ache when you're not here
Now I need you
Now I'm ******* to never let this feeling go
But I don't want the pain anymore
I want to feel numb
I miss it

Another year has gone by
And nothing has really changed
I'm still me
But I'm a happier version
Not a 2.0
Just got new batteries

I got a new boyfriend
He lasted 2 weeks
And my heart didn't get broken
Guess having no feelings is still my speciality
But I have had more crushes
But still not a kiss
Wow
I haven't kissed anybody all year
(Shush, my drunken self doesn't count).

And tomorrow I won't try harder
No "new year, new me"
Because that doesn't happen over night
You get motivated for a week
And that's it
I rather just start off smooth and steady
Stay that way
Maybe I'll keep my head
And next year I'll give you an update
Maybe something wonderful will have happened
Maybe I'll finally have a girlfriend and study what ever I like

But the world spun around the sun one more time
So if it can keep on it's steady course and not implode
Then so can I.

Happy New year
From myself.
I hope you find contentment
Until next year.

It's a bubble
I can see everything
I can hear but they're muffled sounds
I'm suffocating
But I'm safe
I want to reach out and touch
Pop it
But if I do the whole world I was protecting myself from
Will fall on me
Like me being aloud to wonder will break everything
So I stay separated
Careful not to burst it

I feel like my chest is filling with tar
I'm going deaf
I can barely notice anything real
And I'm screaming
Or trying to
And you don't notice
Nobody ever does
And I'm left hanging in the closet with my belt

Are you ever on a bus with someone
And you have one earphone in
And you change the song every 20 seconds
Whenever you open your phone
Not because you dislike the song
But because you don't want them to realise you're waiting for a text back
From the one person you want to be with
And when it comes you don't open it straight away
So they don't think you're obsessed
Or is it just me?

What is a dreams shadow
I have often wondered?
I believe it is that feeling
Of not being able to remember it
That terrible feeling.
It's not a physical thing.
I know people will think I'm mad
Feeling down about something I can't even remember
But it's what I lose
My memories that my mind has created
Just for me
Just so I could have a pleasant dream
Or an eventful one
If I do happen to wake in a sweat.
Maybe that's why
Because it's only for me
It doesn't want me to tell anyone else
About my adventures
But I promise I won't
I just need to see them once more
So this aching chest can be free
So I can know what you want me to.
I will never be able to recall
And that might be the most heart breaking thing
I can do to myself.

Today I heard if you stop smoking for 28 days
You're more likely to quit then other people
Is that true for love
Maybe if I don't see you for that long
Don't allow myself to feel for you
The love
The pain you made me feel
I could get over you
But do I want to?

It is only my first class
And yet hours have flown by
Only so many ticking of the clock
And yet
I have heard thousands of pages being flipped
And an endless tap-tap-tap-tap-tapping
What meaningless words are you typing
May I join?
What you have has no mention of
Swearing, ****** or vows
I could make it so interesting
That you would be sent to the madhouse
All the stabbings I've imagined
Just one
Maybe I'll mention your unique death wish
But there is only a few more seconds
And my next class is calling
And my next imaginary victim is screaming

I bit off my finger
And spit it up into the tree
The sun makes me thinks this
The leaves pillow in my head
I look directly at it
With my finger at the core
The sun is to obnoxious to allow me to see even my own fIngertip!
A branch poking in the corner
Makes me believe my bloodied finger is hanging in the air
In reality it is just water
My wet *** and muddied boots are proof of this
The bird only stops chirping to feed digit to its chick

I peeled it off because I didn't like the colour.
I was going to change it
But then I saw the marks left
And I realised it was a reflection
Of how we are.
We don't like our origanal self's
And so we cover up
And while hiding we create scars
That aren't noticeable until we reveal them.
But we cover up with a new colour
So nobody would notice our scars.
But I don't need your approval of my colour.
I don't care if you judge my scars.
I do it for myself
So I don't have to see them
So I don't have to notice that sick feeling
Brought on by my wordless, shapeless, meaningless cover
That drapes me like a wet towel
And every time I colour again
Water is being dumped over me.
I don't care about you
So don't think you're special.
Your words and concerns mean nothing to me.
It's only the colour now.

I wrote about you
But then I realised I didn't want anyone to read it
I wanted to keep my thoughts to myself
I don't need anyone else
Even you
Knowing that you've made me immensely happy
Made me want to live
Cause every now and then
I get the urge
To just end it
The thought of you is enough to keep me here
But this time I don't think it's enough
I don't think I can hold on
I don't think I want to
I don't have the energy anymore.

They say you put everything into a piece of art
So what if a piece of you is left with it.
And then you are stuck in a room
Constantly surrounded by the same walls
I know I would feel depressed.
And if they painted enough
Enough of there soul would be stuck in a room forever.
Maddening.
Maybe that's also why they appreciated the outside beauty
Because that part of there soul knows what is is like to be trapped
And the shard left is there to take in as much as it can.
Be it a porcelain beauty
Or a thieving crow.
They know they must take it in
And never live like their paintings.
Trapped.

"We want to support you through this time"
This time is now my life
I will never stop mourning
I can only try to get used to this
Empty heaviness that takes up half my heart
And you will never be able to support me through my whole life
You can't
And I don't want a crutch
But thanks for giving me a thought
For a split second that only appears when you saw me
And when you see me it's all you see
Not how happy I once was
(And am now)
But how miserable I must be
But I really am thankful
You care enough to acknowledge this happened
My own blood just swept it under the carpet
Like they didn't want there perfect friends to see
That I'm hurting
That years later I've never mourned
I have my family now that loves me
And I love them
But this thought is with at least once a day
Like a bad habit

It felt amazing
The wind hitting me in the face
Pushing back my cheeks
While my stomach lurched
And you didn't know what was up
With my hair flying behind me
I thought my hair was going to catch in a bulb
But mines to short
And then you came to mind
Because your hair was so long it would have
And I thought of your laugh
You couldn't come today
And I thought of your lips
You were probably avoiding me
And I thought I hope we can still talk
But I'm too awkward to ask
But maybe I'll try
Maybe tomorrow
Because I'm tired from the fun fair.

I saw a star tonight
It glistened with absolute certainty
Such I have never felt
And it made me feel powerful
If was just oozing off you
Floating like fog that you could not contain
And it seeped into my skin
And made it glow like yours
You gave me that confidence to be new
Inventive and not scarred of who I am
I am different
And powerful
And proud
And although it is a sin
Let the devil give me power
You must be because although I have never met you
Your radiance
Like a star to a child
Has given all that I need
To be myself
I will never have your confidence
But I will have the power to be myself.
Thank you for reminding me of that.

Oh the pests that do rattle my chain
If I am forced to be here
Let them lie down dead before me
Let me beat them with an iron rod
And I will stay quiet still death
But be rid of their tongues and teeth
And I will truly be happy
Allow me to close the window on their head
And their blood will keep me satisfied,

I believe in illution's
A blue sky
Just a reflection of water
Just light hitting a gas
Yet light is also a illution
As is colour
Colour is light
Or so I'm told to believe
So how do we control it
How do we focus it into one
And a million
Different colours

Different species
Created for a different purpose
Purpose?
No
Reason
A reason
Evolution.
That is all we are
Space, time and science trying to prove it's self.

I don't believe a human future
This scientist life
To ignore natural beauty
And the world full of indescribable life
To work in a office
Or greying building
With greedy, poisonous fumes
Walking around with fake smiles
And dead eyes.

I want to go back
To before cave men
And become a more adventurous human
One that doesn't destroy or lust
upon
One that nurtures
And not only it's own species.
It wold marvel at the sky
Without wanting to venture there.

Not religious.
Not a scientist.
But a guest upon this earth.
Not it's rulers.

I want to marvel about light.
Not figure it out.

The only thing stopping me from achieving sleep
Is the pumping of my blood
As I lay on my wrist
And wondering when it will stop
When will it flow without the effort of my heart.

When you have the perfect song
But no one to share it with
No one to sing along
To dance with you
To put it on
When you're putting yourself down
No one to find the meaning
With you
But when you find them
Keep them
Because who you give your song to
Is the ones you share your dreams with

I'm missing you
My every thought consists of you're face
You're warmth
You're little beard that's actually quite soft
And when I see you again
I'll say everything I missed
Cause I know what it'll do
And I missed you're smile

I'm so sorry
I'm sorry I'm not good a talking
That I've spent my whole life
Believing that if I say something
I'll get rejected and ridiculed.
I'm sorry I'm scared of meeting new people
Because if they're you're friends I want to know them
But my past experiences keep me from engaging
In case I ruin everything again
In case I break another friendship
I break someone else's trust.
I'm sorry I don't say I love you enough
Because I'm scared that one day you'll see I'm not worth it
And then all the "I love yous" will crush my heart.
I'm sorry when you bear your soul for me to see
That I can't form a sentence
Because I want to ease the pain
I want to be able to tell you how amazing you are
But my shyness and fear of people
Of getting close to someone
Has left me ill -equipped for helping you
For saying what's on my mind.
I'm sorry I can't tell you why I'm like this
Why I act like mean and distant and full if self doubt
When I know you just want me to be honest.
I'm sorry I can't tell you very time I've been hurt
Because what if you leave me when you see every scar
Not just on my skin but in me.
I'm sorry you have to deal with what others have done to me
And I'm sorry that you love me
That me crying over you hurts you
That you caring for me causes you pain
But I'll never leave you
So please if you can't stand this leave now
I won't blame you
But please don't
Don't leave me
I'm sorry
I'll try harder I promise
I'm so sorry.

I'm  sweltering
Suffocating.
Everyone's here
Howling, muttering
Just a collage of voices
I don't care about.
I should
But I can't bring myself to.
I walk outside
The sun burns and I can still hear everything so clearly.
The moon comes out.
Mute.
I see her
Under a streetlight
Leaning, metal on leather.
I can breathe.
I don't need to listen or talk
She understands
And we leave
At last, at least
That's what I think it would feel like.
For now
I'm still suffocating.

I haven't been here in a while.
I always walk.
But my dad and I were finally free on the same day.
So we went to nutgrove.
Got some sweets
He go waffles, his favourites
I'm all in black with bright
Red?
Pink?
Magenta hair
And blue eyes
I look odd as always
And I'm getting weird looks
But he doesn't care.
The bus is 27 minutes away
There are others at the stop
Some guy on headphones
And a guy who keeps trying to look at me
Descretely
But I notice
I pretend not to.
Does he think I'm beautiful?
Or just strange enough to look at
Or does he want to draw me
Like I often want to do with people I stare at
Nothing ******
Just fascination.
Maybe
I hope
I don't want him to be looking at me like I'm a wanted thing
Maybe it's vain
But I did myself up nicely for once.
I don't know why
I was in the mood
Saturdays always put me in the mood for blue eyes
Not lipstick
Not with my habit.
My lips are red enough anyway from my habit of biting
And picking.

My dad gives me a funny look.
He doesn't talk.
I'm happy, because of my new headphones
And the other people
They don't need to know what we share
Smoke comes out of his funny face
I giggle
Like a little girl
I know I resemble in his eyes.

I look into the field across the road
There are a group of kids
To far away to know an age
And they don't have a dog
I don't know why this troubles me.
But then a lady walking her dog
Strolls past
And I'm on the ground
Sitting
So he comes up to lick me
Almost to grant my wish
I'm happy again
Then the bus comes
And I struggle to get up
I should be happy
I'm going home to feed a rumbling stomach
But
There's something about a bus stop
I just love
Sorry.
I rambled again.
What do you like?

I used to despise the smell
But now I can't get enough.
I'm addicted to
Sitting with my sky soft blanket,
Short hair between my finger's,
Curled in a ball with a book in my lap,
Escaping into a world beyond my believing.
And the smell conforms me
When I open these pages in the future
They will smell of coffee
And be fatter with the memories I have made reading the ink.
Such simple things.
I will always remember the taste
4 sugars
Chocolate dipped in to add such sweetness
That I will never be able to eat alone again.
It will always have to be coated in bitterness.
But this what I love.
You see me most content when I am alone in your eyes.
But I am surrounding by my best friend's, that may be or not human
And the warmth that I know I will always have.
Cause I am addicted to the simple things.

I do not care to glare at the sun
It's harsh hair is mocking in beauty
And it's wide ears take in non of my concerns
It sits for a bakers dozen and sleeps
While we worry the nights away
It does not fear a spiders Web
Or the buzzing of a electric house close by
It brings light our troubles
And then sleeps soundly on a cloud
While we ponder what dreadful fears it has brought
It's greets you with teeth
But it is only when you depart
Do you see its daggers

I need you here
With your arms wrapped around me
Telling me I'm enough
That you don't need anybody else
That I can make you happy on my own
Instead of feeling like I'm never enough.

And I realise that once again
I am in a world I do not comprehend
Einstein himself could not convince me
That everything we have has an answer
Physics, learning and math
All unnecessary in our happiness
It is causing me such misery
I am thinking of leaving to sea
To just look not question
But I am afraid my misery will keep me here until I'm done with this
This everevolving life
I am to tired to care
But I have enough energy to pretend I am listening

I see the rainbow in science
But I want to stand in the rain and sun.

I broke the light
so I could see grey,
I slept until the sky was raging
The dull world at that time
Highlighted every colour
that dyes the the beautiful things
In my eyes.
The girl looking like a Lophorina
Who's smile at a simple ballerina
shames all other flowers into buds.
The sparkle of the deer on the mantle
inked to graze without a care
In a blue winter
Makes me believe that was a time
before my kind
when piece was wonder,
now silence is a gift.
The shine of the leaves
blowing at the tip of the trees
looking confused,
But all just needing that movement
that cannot be found on the ground.
These gifts,
Created by God or an accident,
Are how I know that one day
i will be that deer that shines in the water
and settles in a breeze blue silence.

Oh the pests that do rattle my chain
If I am forced to be here
let the lie down dead before me
let me beat them with an iron rod
and I will stay quiet til death
But be rid of their tongues and teeth
and I will truly be happy
Allow me to close the window
on their head
And their blood will keep me satisfied.

I know there is nothing under my bed
I realise it is silly to be scared of nothing
But to me the things I dread
Are hiding with me in my bed
In my head I am scarred of the dark
I am wondering alone
On the streets or in the park
And in the carcass that is my mind
I am trudging in a minefield
And no words that are spoken are kind
I cannot convince myself to be of sound mind
And the shining of light that is day
Is course and harsh
And like a child I must play
Because to my parents I cannot say:
The day is false and I do not wish to stay
Because in the night I lie at home
And my demons play tag and chase
With the fears under my bed and in my head.

It's a reminder
Of the time I didn't die
That I laughed
Sure I was hurt
But the flowers that bloomed on my skin
Were so beautiful
That I stayed in hopes of seeing them next spring.

It's a reminder
Of all the effort I spent trying to hide them
Hiding my feelings
So as not to burden others
Or to not be swept away with last night dreams.

It's a reminder
And I'm not proud when people notice them
But I'm proud that they see me
Instead of the me pushing up daisies.

I can keep myself occupied
I'm creative enough to keep myself from twiddling my thumbs
But what I can't stand
Is waiting for something
And knowing that it's gonna be deadly
Because boredom is deadly
It can **** off the souls of even the most eager and earnest
And we let it
Because we know how to cure it
A little bit of laughter will do
But we've banned it from the room.

How many more lives
Will we allow this serial killer to claim
Before were all victims.

I'm with every body
Yet by myself
Drunk yet sober
Happy yet anxious
How do I cope
Maybe I'd be better by myself
But I won't be
What do I do to stop this feeling
And let go like everyone else