When you're deleting messages
They tell you how many they're getting rid of
32994 between us
Fighting
Telling each other we love the other
Fighting because I asked you to leave
Because I found out about her
It makes me sad
Cause I thought it was my fault
But you messed up
And he knows he has something
He wont let me go like you did

Do you ever miss someone who doesnt deserve it
It comes and you don't even realise it
And you're talking to someone who makes you feel
Like you're the most beautiful ever
But your heart hurts and wants
For some who doesn't deserve it
Why won't it learn
Why can't it

I hate that I can't listen to my favourite songs anymore
Because I love them cause of you
So a knot turns in my stomach
But is it cause I miss you
Or cause I'm dissapointed
In you
And me

Today I heard if you stop smoking for 28 days
You're more likely to quit then other people
Is that true for love
Maybe if I don't see you for that long
Don't allow myself to feel for you
The love
The pain you made me feel
I could get over you
But do I want to?

It's odd losing everything you lose
Cause it hurts your heart
Just as much as the pills you can't stop taking
Even though you've taken enough to do the trick

Blood red is such a pretty colour
We shouldn't hide it in ourselves
We should be able to see it everyday
Like I do

I'm with every body
Yet by myself
Drunk yet sober
Happy yet anxious
How do I cope
Maybe I'd be better by myself
But I won't be
What do I do to stop this feeling
And let go like everyone else

I'm not sure what I find most beautiful
Looking out the window in my journey
Seeing the world go by and turn
A thousand lives I'll never be part of
A world I'll never really belong to
But love being an audience to,
Or the paper with nothing but words
The spectacular times playing in my head
While I pick a song that better enhances it
This world beckons me in
I'm watching but somehow still apart of the drama.
Hmm which is more beautiful?
Or are the both equal in their own way?

I've officially hit rock bottom
And they burned the ladder
So I can't climb back up

Nothing in the world is worth losing you
So why am I risking this?
The playful part of me isn't gone
I don't know if it ever will be
It wants something exciting
And dangerous
It's not worth losing you
But I can't stop myself

Me not wanting to talk to you
Does not mean I'm mad
It means my limit for human contact
Has been reached
And I'm acting like an *******
So people will leave me in my misery

I love the winter
The cold whether
Perfect for long sleeves
That hide my scars and freshness
And the only evidence is when it seeps through
So I buy a red jumper to hide it

I want someone to know me well enough
That they know when I'm actually tired
Or when I'm just saying it to hide behind

I'm not cruel
Or brutal
I'm truthful
But people only want the truth when it suits them

I knew when I met you
I shouldn't keep you
Cause i need you so much
I can't let you go
Even if you'll be better off
All I can do is watch
The tears down my glasses
And wish you were here to hold
And forgive me

I'll say I love you
Not to hear it back
But just to let you know
To see that little smile in your eyes
So you know you're my world

You're not good for me
You make me happy when I was used to being miserable
I felt nothing and was content with that
I never needed anything
But now I know what happy is
What love it
You gave me that
You made me feel
That ache in my stomach
That pain in my chest
The heart ache when you're not here
Now I need you
Now I'm ******* to never let this feeling go
But I don't want the pain anymore
I want to feel numb
I miss it

The river at night looks beautiful
Thick almost one
With the light on it it looks like paint
Like ***** Wonka's chocolate factory
If I fell in it looks like it'd be soft
But I won't
Not because I have any regard for my own life
But because it would be a pity to disturb it

When you talk to new people
Or your friends
You can hear the country lad
When you go serious conversation
Or are mad at me
You can hear the city boy
When you're singing
Or whispering
You can hear some American
But whatever your accent is
You can hear the love towards me

I know we're forever
That I need you always
So believe me when I say it's not
That I wanted to leave you
Its that you would be better without me
Thank you for helping me see that
I was wrong

I'm missing you
My every thought consists of you're face
You're warmth
You're little beard that's actually quite soft
And when I see you again
I'll say everything I missed
Cause I know what it'll do
And I missed you're smile

I feel like my chest is filling with tar
I'm going deaf
I can barely notice anything real
And I'm screaming
Or trying to
And you don't notice
Nobody ever does
And I'm left hanging in the closet with my belt

I can look at the sky
And stare at it's endless beauty
But if your face isn't above
with the clouds
It all seems pointless
Without colour

I need you here
With your arms wrapped around me
Telling me I'm enough
That you don't need anybody else
That I can make you happy on my own
Instead of feeling like I'm never enough.

It's all in your head.
Then why can I hear the voices screaming?
Why can I taste the tears on my lips?
Why can I see the darkness clouding my vision?
Why can I smell the blood from my wounds?
Why can I feel the pain in my chest?
If it's in my head,
Why is it all around me?

I'm sitting in the corner
Watching you all have a good time
And I can't help but think you're a happy family
You're a little broken
But perfect as well
And you're yourself
I have a whole family
But I'd give anything for this
You feel safe around each other
Not scared
I want that

There's a chemical in you're head
It makes you happy
I'm either overdosing on it
Or completely dried up
It's the latter most of the time
Why?

It's a bubble
I can see everything
I can hear but they're muffled sounds
I'm suffocating
But I'm safe
I want to reach out and touch
Pop it
But if I do the whole world I was protecting myself from
Will fall on me
Like me being aloud to wonder will break everything
So I stay separated
Careful not to burst it

I know it seems like I'm just freaking out over something small
To you it's nothing
And I realise it's small
But this one bad thing
Triggers a bad thought in my head
Witch then leads to another
And another
And another
Its a reaction I've never been able to stop
You just need to distract me

Are you ever on a bus with someone
And you have one earphone in
And you change the song every 20 seconds
Whenever you open your phone
Not because you dislike the song
But because you don't want them to realise you're waiting for a text back
From the one person you want to be with
And when it comes you don't open it straight away
So they don't think you're obsessed
Or is it just me?

I wanna die
Maybe then I'll be able to breathe

It's amazing how I feel torn apart without you holding me
When before I couldn't wait for the hugs to stop
I want you to rest your chin on my head
And whisper nice things into my hair
As you kiss me
But instead I'm on a train
Away from you
It looks clinical
Out of a syfi movie
And I can't breathe

People don't like the sight of it
But there's something calming about
Watching the red drip down my leg
The water gets in and it stings
But it distracts from the pain in my chest so it's fine
Maybe if I hurt there next it'll go away
The contrast of the hot water
And the cold tiles are nice
And I know i shouldn't
I'm not gonna wanna die later
So I take a small razor
It won't be to bad
Just enough to draw enough blood to satisfy me
But how long will this much be enough?

I'm sitting wrapped in a towel
Wet and lonely
Wishing your arms were around me
But because of my fears I feel like you'd rather have them around somebody else
Maybe they are
Please for the love of god
Brain please stop
He's sleeping
Hopefully dreaming
But probably not about me

You're the reason I'm alive
Because If I die and there's a heaven
I'll spend eternity wishing I was back with you
If I die and then get reincarnated
I'll spend my next life feeling like something's missing
I was never scared of dying
I'm still not
I'm scared of losing you.

I wrote about you
But then I realised I didn't want anyone to read it
I wanted to keep my thoughts to myself
I don't need anyone else
Even you
Knowing that you've made me immensely happy
Made me want to live
Cause every now and then
I get the urge
To just end it
The thought of you is enough to keep me here
But this time I don't think it's enough
I don't think I can hold on
I don't think I want to
I don't have the energy anymore.

I'm so sorry
I'm sorry I'm not good a talking
That I've spent my whole life
Believing that if I say something
I'll get rejected and ridiculed.
I'm sorry I'm scared of meeting new people
Because if they're you're friends I want to know them
But my past experiences keep me from engaging
In case I ruin everything again
In case I break another friendship
I break someone else's trust.
I'm sorry I don't say I love you enough
Because I'm scared that one day you'll see I'm not worth it
And then all the "I love yous" will crush my heart.
I'm sorry when you bear your soul for me to see
That I can't form a sentence
Because I want to ease the pain
I want to be able to tell you how amazing you are
But my shyness and fear of people
Of getting close to someone
Has left me ill -equipped for helping you
For saying what's on my mind.
I'm sorry I can't tell you why I'm like this
Why I act like mean and distant and full if self doubt
When I know you just want me to be honest.
I'm sorry I can't tell you very time I've been hurt
Because what if you leave me when you see every scar
Not just on my skin but in me.
I'm sorry you have to deal with what others have done to me
And I'm sorry that you love me
That me crying over you hurts you
That you caring for me causes you pain
But I'll never leave you
So please if you can't stand this leave now
I won't blame you
But please don't
Don't leave me
I'm sorry
I'll try harder I promise
I'm so sorry.

I love the sight of rain on a sad day.
You listen to the opposite of your feel good song
You listen to something with edge and feeling
Not a #1 hit.
You feel the warm water drip down you like sweat after seeing your lover.
And you take comfort in the familiar warmth
And you smile.
Then it hails but you're still not bothered
Because it's still warm
As long as the chill doesn't come then you're fine.
Then you take my hand
And nothing matters anymore.

I can keep myself occupied
I'm creative enough to keep myself from twiddling my thumbs
But what I can't stand
Is waiting for something
And knowing that it's gonna be deadly
Because boredom is deadly
It can **** off the souls of even the most eager and earnest
And we let it
Because we know how to cure it
A little bit of laughter will do
But we've banned it from the room.

How many more lives
Will we allow this serial killer to claim
Before were all victims.

I never needed a lot
A book
Some paper to write on
Good music and tasty food
But now I've found myself wanting money
Not a lot
Just enough to see you
I'm greedy to see your face
And your eyes that hold me with care
I want to hear your voice that teases me
And always tells me that you love me
Even when I don't deserve it
I want to feel you arms holding me
I'm yours and you can have all of me
And it kills me every day I don't see you
And it kills me more that the only thing keeping me away is a few euros
Something I've never cared for has become my enemy
Keeping me from you
So yes I'm greedy
But I will pay for my sins
As long as I get to spend forever and always with you

I think it's the only separation I'll agree with
The only wall I'll love to stare at
A wall of light
Separating the sky and land
They can never be one
And yet they still try to touch
I often wonder whether the horizon is what's seperating them
Or helping them to come together
Should I hate it for it's ignorance
Or love it for it's beauty
Or should I turn back for to real world
And forget my short lived love
Or get lost in it's contrast
And feel fulfilled
From its cold love.

Another year has gone by
And nothing has really changed
I'm still me
But I'm a happier version
Not a 2.0
Just got new batteries

I got a new boyfriend
He lasted 2 weeks
And my heart didn't get broken
Guess having no feelings is still my speciality
But I have had more crushes
But still not a kiss
Wow
I haven't kissed anybody all year
(Shush, my drunken self doesn't count).

And tomorrow I won't try harder
No "new year, new me"
Because that doesn't happen over night
You get motivated for a week
And that's it
I rather just start off smooth and steady
Stay that way
Maybe I'll keep my head
And next year I'll give you an update
Maybe something wonderful will have happened
Maybe I'll finally have a girlfriend and study what ever I like

But the world spun around the sun one more time
So if it can keep on it's steady course and not implode
Then so can I.

Happy New year
From myself.
I hope you find contentment
Until next year.

It felt amazing
The wind hitting me in the face
Pushing back my cheeks
While my stomach lurched
And you didn't know what was up
With my hair flying behind me
I thought my hair was going to catch in a bulb
But mines to short
And then you came to mind
Because your hair was so long it would have
And I thought of your laugh
You couldn't come today
And I thought of your lips
You were probably avoiding me
And I thought I hope we can still talk
But I'm too awkward to ask
But maybe I'll try
Maybe tomorrow
Because I'm tired from the fun fair.

Do you remember what it felt like?
You'd see other people
And how they talked to each other
And you couldn't  help the face that made it's way out
You called it sickly and cringe

And then you met the person
Who made you feel sickly sweet when they said "I love you"
And you pretended you weren't effected
But your heart pounded

What was this?
Because I never felt this before
I never missed anybody
But my bed
And now I want you to lie here with me
And I remember the feeling of pure dissapointment like never before
Because I haven't seen you in 2 weeks
And now you can't come

I can't feel your sweet lips with your hair tickling me
So I now understand why people act like that
And mind you I'll still make fun of them
But it's to show that I love you
And only you
And I miss you
So I'm sending out good thoughts
To my man in a different county.

It is only my first class
And yet hours have flown by
Only so many ticking of the clock
And yet
I have heard thousands of pages being flipped
And an endless tap-tap-tap-tap-tapping
What meaningless words are you typing
May I join?
What you have has no mention of
Swearing, ****** or vows
I could make it so interesting
That you would be sent to the madhouse
All the stabbings I've imagined
Just one
Maybe I'll mention your unique death wish
But there is only a few more seconds
And my next class is calling
And my next imaginary victim is screaming