I believe in illution's
A blue sky
Just a reflection of water
Just light hitting a gas
Yet light is also a illution
As is colour
Colour is light
Or so I'm told to believe
So how do we control it
How do we focus it into one
And a million
Different colours

Different species
Created for a different purpose
Purpose?
No
Reason
A reason
Evolution.
That is all we are
Space, time and science trying to prove it's self.

I don't believe a human future
This scientist life
To ignore natural beauty
And the world full of indescribable life
To work in a office
Or greying building
With greedy, poisonous fumes
Walking around with fake smiles
And dead eyes.

I want to go back
To before cave men
And become a more adventurous human
One that doesn't destroy or lust
upon
One that nurtures
And not only it's own species.
It wold marvel at the sky
Without wanting to venture there.

Not religious.
Not a scientist.
But a guest upon this earth.
Not it's rulers.

I want to marvel about light.
Not figure it out.

It was surreal
Like only a bit of me was really
The part of me that wanted to ease my mam's mind
So I walked in
And I sat awkwardly
She asked why I was there
I looked to my mam but I knew I had to answer.

Why?
Because I hurt
Because I feel miserable
Because I feel like hanging from rope
Will be easier than rising from bed tomorrow.
Because I found a way to help myself
That nobody else thinks is a good idea
Because they don't get it.

"The school saw I was hurting myself and recommending going to my gp."
That's what I said.
We had a talk
About things they thought were important
Not about important things
I never added anything
Maybe because my mam was there
Maybe because I didn't want anyone to see
How ****** up I really am.

I saw someone for a couple of weeks
Teaching me things I know how to do
I'm just scared to do them.
They said "anxiety"
Where I said suicidal
They don't know
And they don't care
If they really did
They would ask more
Talk more
Help more.
Why should they care?
It's my problem
I don't want to burden the people that would care.

So I talked to a professional
For my mam's sake
Not mine.
It didn't work.

I can handle being rejected
I can cope
Because I know I will get over it
I know that I can move on
I've done it before.
What I can't handle
Is someone telling me
"I don't know"
Or not giving me a straight answer.
Someone who knows they will never be with me
But not telling me directly
Someone who "likes" me
But can't admit it
I can handling being friends after a rejection
But I can't handle you not having your **** together
Because I'm pining after someone who doesn't realise I'm so into them
That I'm hurting for them
I'm waiting for them
So please just tell me
Yes or no
Because that's less painfull
Than having my heart broken
Almost fixed
And then smashed again.

I hate money
I hate how paper and metal
Can get people so worked up
How it is now a necessity in today's society
It can tear people apart
It can **** people
It can ruin a family
I've seen it all
It can get you anything in the world
But as I sit listening to a quarrel about cash
I wish it never exsisted
I wish this greed wasn't here
So Pandora
Close the box
Zues
Take back your gift
Because I can't listen to this anymore
I know they don't want to believe it
But when it comes down to it
Something as delicate as money
With tear this family apart.

My pet peeve is grammar
I love it
I need it to be perfect
But around her I can't talk
I mess up my words
When I text her
I forget my full stops
I spell my words wrong
I don't reread my text three times
Because I want so badly to see her reply
I want to hear her talk
I love being able to make her laugh
She's able to make me forget my major thing
And replace it with herself.

It was strange
But not because I felt excluded
Not because I felt judged
But because for the first time
I felt like I  fitted in
I was part of the crowd
Not just looking at it
They accepted me
Because I was like them.
I was always a black person
My clothes were devoid of colour
And I thought my soul was black
But they showed me the rainbow
That I was part of it
Black is the mixture of all colours
That's why it's my soul
Not because I'm dull
Because you have to understand to see my colours
And they understood
I was content
I talked to stranger's
I felt like crying for people I didn't know
Because they made it possible
For me to feel
Like the rainbow I am.
That might be cringey
But I'll allow myself to be
Just this once.

You think magic is seeing a wand emit sparks and spells
But I see it in the brilliance of a light bulb
The flowering of a bud.
You see wonder in the world's you see in your mind
I see it in the realitys I have not yet visited.
You see miracles as a single light, shone from the heavens
I see in it in every act, every day.

I see misery in every life.
I see sadness around every corner.
I see greed in every hand full of money.
And I see lifelessness in everyone I see.

But despite that
I found a way to live.
Not by wishing on a star
But by the beauty around me.
The city lights at night
The flowers by moonlight
The wispering winds in my ear.

I see such heinous act in the light of day
But at night I see my fantasy world come alive.
You don't need the glass promise of a world unseen
You just need to find it in your surroundings.
Because at night
That is where the unique come out to play.