Im sick
Of people thinking I'm a "bad" girl.
I'm a girl.
I've kissed the wrong guy
At the wrong time
Not because I loved them
Or even liked
Because it was expected of me.
That's as far as I dared to go.
That was when I was scared
To show them I wasn't straight
I was bent 180°
And of course I was labelled
Never to my face
Well, once
And it was said by someone who I knew could hurt me.
But I'm not a bad girl.
I ******* up.
Not big but enough.
Bur I've stopped acting
Because I was expected to.
And now I've been judged again
By someone who I thought could trust me.
They can hurt me
Because they think they know my past.
And I don't want to leave them.
But I don't want to stay.
I'm sick.
But am I sick to stay
Or to leave?
I need help.
I'm not a bad girl.
I know.
I hope.

I peeled it off because I didn't like the colour.
I was going to change it
But then I saw the marks left
And I realised it was a reflection
Of how we are.
We don't like our origanal self's
And so we cover up
And while hiding we create scars
That aren't noticeable until we reveal them.
But we cover up with a new colour
So nobody would notice our scars.
But I don't need your approval of my colour.
I don't care if you judge my scars.
I do it for myself
So I don't have to see them
So I don't have to notice that sick feeling
Brought on by my wordless, shapeless, meaningless cover
That drapes me like a wet towel
And every time I colour again
Water is being dumped over me.
I don't care about you
So don't think you're special.
Your words and concerns mean nothing to me.
It's only the colour now.

I wanted to throw mysef off
To freeze my fears
I knew they would vanish
Like the light,
Under the surface
You're not stone
You're suffering
Cold
Yet you're burning
With pain and desire
And then;

How do I know?
Will I see a sign?
Will she tell me?
Will she make a move first?
I know she's scared.
Maybe even more than me
But I want her
To hold
To laugh with.
I want to look into her eyes
And see my love reflected.
Maybe not love at first
But it will he enough
To know she would give me a chance
To love her.
I want to kiss her
On her cheek
Lips
Forehead
Without being judged
Or without her think g we are being judgd.
I just want her faint blush when I do.
I want her.
But am I allowed?
What if I lose her by trying.
What if I lose her by not?

It was simple
But it meant everything.
I always feel anxious
On guard
Never safe with anyone.
But you didn't believe me
When I lied
And you didn't push
When I tried to deny it.
We both know it was false.
But we lay there.
The grass tickling my nose.
And you didn't judge.
You traced my scars as if to sooth me.
Not to lecture me
Like so many others
You're the only one that's able to calm me.
Thank you.
For not saying anything.
When others would of shot words of "wisdom" at me.
Thank you.
For knowing what I needed.
Or more what I didn't need.
Thank you.

It made me feel normal.
No.
It made me feel close to you.
I thought I was letting you down.
So I melted straight.
For you.
It backfired.
It hit you straight in the heart.
I couldn't pretend anymore.
So I told you.
I was bent out of shape.
We stopped talking.
You stopped waiting.
And I lost the best thing in my life.
Because I couldn't face who I was.
I couldn't just sink on my own.
You had to come with me.
Then I tried it again.
Being straight.
I was so scared.
And then so relieved it didn't happen.
But you found out
The wind found you
And whispered in your ear
Lies of course.
But I was ashamed.
And you took it the wrong way.
Like everybody else.
But I didn't care what they thought.
It was always you.
Just because I wasn't in love with you
Didn't mean I didn't love you.
I let you down again.
I'm sorry.
You'll never hear this.
It's been to long ago.
But the scars are still there.
The memories.
I still miss you.

I can't remember
Every poem I've ever written
In my head.
Everything I see now is a poem.
It can be taken in
absorbed
And breathed out like carbon.
Thats how I see the world.
Through black and white
As read through a newspaper.
But I remember looking into glazed over eyes
With gold and grey and a blue background.
The only feature I like.
Anything I want can be reflected.
Or absorbed.
But I choose this moment to remember.
It isn't remarkable.
But it's memorable.
Not even.
It's just there.
To be absorbed.