I feel so many eyes
Pressing against my skin
Peering at my surface
But I've never felt anyone's eyes
Look within

Can I ask you a question?
If I answer yes to yours,
Will I have a family,
Be part of something more?
Will I finally be accepted?
Loved?
Cared about?
Wanted?
Needed?
I know the emptiness.
But, I lied to you love.
I always feel less empty
When I'm around you.
Even if you don't around me.
And that's okay.
You are the love of my life
Even if I'm not yours.
But, let me ask you a question.
Is there a chance?
Will there ever be?
Will you understand the reason I'm like this?
Accept me as me?
Will things change?
And will we know each other, in twenty years?
Not worth dwelling on what came before,
But now I wonder
If you want me there as a friend
Or as something else.
Either way, I'll say yes.
But you need to return my calls...

My heartbeat
Does it matter more
Than my experience?
My mind?
My soul?
When you say
I shouldn't have a choice
Because of one beat
Of a heart
You are saying
I do not matter
Anymore
That my body is just here
For a heartbeat
And that the rest of me
Should be
Ignored

You say,
I should get my tubes tied
Or make them wear protection
Or be on birth control
That if I can't take responsibility,
I should be forced to be sterilized
Like a rat in an experiment gone wrong

******* ****.

He, who thought-
...and thought wrong...
-that he owned my body
Once looked at me with fear in his eyes,
because he finally saw me...
He said, "I never realized that you were
CRAZIER than me,"
I only laughed,
Smiled a shy smile,
13 is a lucky number-
I was still just a child,
I didn't flinch
As the knife went
Into
Him

You were supposed to be nothing to me.
Why did you become my everything?
You don't owe me anything.
Why do I feel like you hurt me?

You said god is weakness
Don't gather your strength
From poison waters
Do not drink
I still carry your weight
Across the rising tide
I will wade
Until one of us dies
Don't confide in me, no
I won't do the same
The power of paranoia
Don't underestimate

You asked me on the riverbank
If through the cold, I could feel something
No, I am numb
You said you liked me better this way
You needed to know I felt all of your pressure
No, I am numb
I am become
Death
The destroyer of worlds

Eyes
Full of the world, say more than her
Lips
Speak quiet conviction, whisper powerful truths
Soft shoulders
Have no chips, but keep anvils from falling on her feet
Strong arms
Carry her burdens farther than most would dare
Courageous soul
Burns faster than wildfire, but never burns out

And I wish
So deeply
That I meant more to her

That the night we spent together was because she wanted me,
And not him..
And I wonder
What would it have been,
If I hadn't fallen for both of them?

I was carrying your child.
Now, I just carry
Solemn responsibility
And stoic acceptance
Of death

I still smell like you
And we haven't touched each other
In weeks...

I can't live anymore.
You took the last drop of blood from my still beating heart
And mixed it with your sorrow.
And in your selfishness,
Enthralled in your own pain,
You forgot that you are not the only one.

You said
I love you
I'm afraid
Don't touch my heart,
Because it hurts
Because I'll miss you
Because of the pain

Waves
Of pain
Shattering
The glass on the beaches
Sharper than knives
Littering the stretch
Of our reminiscence
With fading
Luminescence
Those places once full of life
Now desolate

The only friend to those waves
Is the lightning that strikes
The shores
Alongside
Your grave

I
Can't save
Everyone
But I Wish
That I could
Just save
You

Abandoned
With no alternative
The cliffside crumbles
Into inevitable ruin
That lies beyond
Waters edge.

Black
Sand beach
Beautiful ghost
Of a past not ever
To be seen
Again

You become the sand
And the sky
The rocks
And the water

I am embraced
By your shallow warmth
The reflection of sunlight
From the moon
Hitting your body
I am sinking
Breathing
In every
Grain
Of

You

Even the rocks
Jagged, some smooth
Some cut my skin
I know it's so you can
Taste
My blood
Warmer than the beach at night
Absorb part of me
As you
Corrupt
Every part of me

I am
Buried now
I can no longer see
Your beautiful surface
But I keep lying to myself
Telling myself that this
Mixture of blood and
Sand is everything
More worth it
Than life
And...

...It will always be my honor
My pleasure...
To die beneath your waves.

When  I was a child
I dreamt of what it would be
To have a perfect family
My daydreaming was long,
But your patience was short
A fuse
Burning too close
For comfort.

In my day sleep,
I would imagine a mother
No younger than 34
Her dark brown eyes were soft
And caring
Never icy,
But feeling
And they could get hot
Burning
But never cold
Or isolating

I was her son
No older than eight
I played with legos on the grey carpet
Of our new apartment
It smelled new
Because it was

Because, she had worked hard to get here
And fought hard to stay
And loved me enough
To want to keep us together

A perfect family
Worries about the rent
But never wonders
If there is love there

A perfect mother
Doesn't have to always be there
When she's working the night shift
Or be happy
When she's drowning in stress
But she does have to be
Healthy
She needs to be
Present

Even when I didn't get any on Christmas
I wasn't unhappy
I just understood and felt
Her love for me...

A perfect family
Doesn't have to be
Nuclear
Just clear
On what family is

If poetry is life
Obfuscated and distressed,
A stranger getting undressed
Through a lens
Vermillion
Not quite sickening, your soul
At the sight of it
Excited, enticed but yet,
Unknowing
Of how
Life is also
Poetry

The more people know me,
The less they want to.
The less people know me,
The more they want to.

When I sleep, I sleep alone.
When I dream,
I dream alone.
In my dreams,
People are not people
But anxiety
Over the pain I'm waiting to happen
In the waking world,
My worry is about what pain
Might present itself to others
If they don't learn how to not cause pain.
Sacrifice
Selfishness
Obligation
Freedom

I need to sleep.

I grieve
Lighters
More than I grieve
People
And there have been many
For whom
I could have...
Whenever I ask someone,
Tienes fuego?
The smallest of connections
Shared for a brief second
I'm grateful
But that's not to say
It's transactional
Just that
I have never felt
This way
Before I met you...

Un          
    i  _      
      Ver
           se

I want to make love to you

Until we collapse

In each other's arms,

Eyes never unlocking,

Lips never parting,

Until we slip into unconsciousness,

Entangled like two particles

Invisibly connected

Across the expanse

Of the universe

Each resonating at the vibration of the other.

I want to collide with you

Trailing photons as we spin

Through space untouchable

Dancing, Twirling,

Intertwined

On our separate paths

Swimming parallel

Through the universe

In our minds.

2020 Shanti Starks (Indra's Child, Lysergicidal Maniac, Lysergic Pancakes)

Cut me
From my cloth

Sew my rough edges together

Hide my insides
Paint a pretty picture

Stick me by your window
For everyone to see
Your handiwork

Or maybe, put me on a shelf
So they give you praise
When your friends show up

Give me a story
Give me a name

All day, children with God-complexes;

Play children of God;

Play authority figures;

Play cops and robbers;

Play house with me;

I don't have a voice
To tell you no
Or the ability
To walk away

But being passed around and used
Can wear you out

The cloth you cut me from
Is just cloth,
The same you were once a part of

But when I start to unravel,
No one is bothered to repair me,

You just take the sharpest tool in your torture chamber

And

Cut

My

Cord.

2019 Shanti Starks (Indra's Child, Lysergicidal Maniac, Lysergic Pancakes)

As I stand
Under the streetlights,
And look up at the blood moon,
I wonder if you're looking up at the same stars...
But I know
That you're probably looking down
The barrel
Of a loaded gun.
Under disguise,
Where I stand on the edge
Contemplating past memories,
Things not forgotten,
But too long dead.
Feeling the rush
That spike-
-Of cortisol,
High adrenaline-
-Accompanied by a heavier fall,
I know
For a fact
That no-one
Under
Stands
Me.
Not even you know
The depth of my
Regret..
...Suffering.
Guilt...
Pain.
Experiences rebuffed
Un-cared about
The children
Forsaken,
The bodies I've seen,
The lives I've observed taken.
The people I was around for too long,
The people I wasn't around for long enough...
The lives I've lived,
In this one life.
And for the one time,
All I ask
Is your
Understanding...

2020 Shanti Starks (Indra's Child, Lysergicidal Maniac, Lysergic Pancakes)

Que tienes?

Rays of sun
used to
Wake me up
Every    morning
It was really kind of
Annoying
Their light would
Burn my eyes, show me
         The dust in the air
But...

When it was cold, and dark,
And I would cry,
                                 ..try...
               ...to stare at the stars...
Through the thick fog

I longed for that warmth
                       Missed it,
                                          For so long.....


                                      When they returned
                                                       I spent my time getting burned
And pretending I knew
                       What to do...
                                     ...what not to do wrong.

        I closed my eyes,
                                    to escape
                                                   for a second
...because I was second-guessing...
And in the blink of an eye,
                                          the night filled the sky
                                      
                      ­               My rays of sun were missing.

SUN
     CANNOT              
                   BE
                      DETAINED

...Besides,
DUST
is far more Captivating.    

2019 Shanti Starks (Indra's Child, Lysergicidal Maniac, Lysergic Pancakes)

Funny,
How I found trust in you so fast..
How to stand by your side,
Would be a lifelong adventure.
How to die by your hand,
Would be a great honor...

2020 Shanti Starks (Indra's Child, Lysergicidal Maniac, Lysergic Pancakes)

I will my soul to be still
As you force your every step away
Through the grass and dirt
I try to keep my pain

On that day you left me
Not just your lover, but your best friend
Red blood spilled gently
Marking an unwilling end

My heart travelling miles
Pulled softly from my chest
Traversing the depths of darkness
Caress the cavity that it left

Bruises brown and blue, deep maroon
Below and above my collarbone
Left to mark me as your own
Leave me this feeling I've never known

The smell of you was strong at first
But now it's ever fading
Like these memories I hope to keep
That are not so everlasting

2020 Shanti Starks (Indra's Child, Lysergicidal Maniac, Lysergic Pancakes)

A solar flare
Warm, soothing
Light, emitting
Caressing the void
Creating radio waves
Ripples through space
Distorting, ripping
Heating, emanating
Effecting those particles
Sub-atomic
Planetoids, bodies
Drawn in by the density
Gravity
Pools and dents
In the fabric
Of existence
Touches the untouchable,
The deep essence at the center of everything
Penetrating the impermeable,
Resonating with the silent,
Burning the spaces in-between
Fire
And light
Kissing you goodbye

2020 Shanti Starks (Indra's Child, Lysergicidal Maniac, Lysergic Pancakes)

Compliance is only
Implied to be involuntary
Committing yourself to others
Obligations
Making your life work according to
Expectations
Faking your soul's net worth is exasperating,
And if you can't relate,
You're probably okay
Part of the 20% or less
Of the populous
Not stuck in survival
What a privilege that must be
To never know Fight, Flight or Freeze
I know them well, not as friends
Not as enemies
No, you can't relate.
But you say it anyway,
"Things get better, life?
Worth living, just give it time because that's all life is giving,"
No. You're okay.
No need to be chained to a radiator in another person's brain
No odio nadie, love is just pain minus the hate
Like if your lover doesn't like you,
You love them anyway.
Ceaseless, timeless and without rest,
Testing the limits of the heat off the sun's crest
But I digress-
Death is the only outcome,
So why act surprised when a number comes up?
Fear of death is fear of life itself
So until you taste death,
Tienes miedo de ambos

2020 Shanti Starks (Indra's Child, Lysergicidal Maniac, Lysergic Pancakes)

As I reach the last stop
I look around
The last drop of emotion now hitting the ground
What I've found, I couldn't have touched without you
You
That fire breathing through my solar plexus
It's perplexing
Standing on the edge of the nexus
The precipice of soul-wrought exodus
Bleeding extacsy into my lungs
What an experience, but when will I be done?
The question
Without an answer
Falling on the deaf, only seen by the blind
I am the only one who can release my binds
My mind
Sinking below the surface, flying high
My cerebellum is glowing
Calculating my time
The sky, almost vacant
On the edge while the sun melts under the plain, what remains?
But hesitation

2020 Shanti Starks (Indra's Child, Lysergicidal Maniac, Lysergic Pancakes)

I hate you
You've grown distasteful of me
Suspicion flies by for the time being I,
Don't think I mean much more than I say,
That is to say, it's a weird feeling
Like stepping on glass that feels like clay
Like floating in your own blood
Resentment is a word
Not used in the correct context
Not nearly enough
You resent me,
That, I can see- because you're crystal clear,
Like a megaphone on overdrive,
On the other end of the million mile field.
Every side to their own, the war has begun.
Offense and defense are claims- we are all opposition,
Yet we are all in macro superposition.
Are my intentions read?
Do you have an understanding that they understand you?
Mutuality is an unattainable bliss.
I'll kiss the night sky goodbye.
And rush back to my existence.
What use is speed of the universe,
When distance is irrelevant,
And time is perception?
My selection of weapons are for protection,
Of course, opinion can **** fact any day if there is enough support...
Build a fort.
Sleep, eat, breathe,
Crawl, drool, heave
The fluke that you are, living on a series of flukes,
Like mistakes without negative impact.
Neutrality.
The battle has paused.
We take time to reflect on ourselves,
By deflecting on others.
Destructive forces we possess.
Yet less, we retain our humanity.
Through the guise of appearing civil for a brief second,
We let our discussions cast our fate,
Hearing our contradictions in order to heal our wounds.
Momentarily, that is-
Can't you see? Syntax fails me...
Plausibly unexplainable through the heavy bias of words.
The shade of our own lack of information,
A dense shadow looms.
It is hard to see through such limited eyes.
Expression is a mission to break our own human barriers.
Setting more would be counterproductive.
But some disagree.
Therefore the battlefield is stained with fallen ideologies,
And victims of the ones still standing.
Some turn their heads first,
Their eyes revealing the scene at hand.
Blood stained grass,
Thick bullet-sprayed mud makes the land.
The brief moment is over.
Our privatized chaos ensues.
Many more will fight, hoping to win,
But everyone will lose.

2018 Shanti Starks (Indra's Child, Lysergicidal Maniac, Lysergic Pancakes)