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Shanti Starks Oct 2020
I was carrying your child.
Now, I just carry
Solemn responsibility
And stoic acceptance
Of death
Shanti Starks Oct 2020
I still smell like you
And we haven't touched each other
In weeks...
Shanti Starks Oct 2020
I can't live anymore.
You took the last drop of blood from my still beating heart
And mixed it with your sorrow.
And in your selfishness,
Enthralled in your own pain,
You forgot that you are not the only one.

You said
I love you
I'm afraid
Don't touch my heart,
Because it hurts
Because I'll miss you
Because of the pain

Of pain
The glass on the beaches
Sharper than knives
Littering the stretch
Of our reminiscence
With fading
Those places once full of life
Now desolate

The only friend to those waves
Is the lightning that strikes
The shores
Your grave

Can't save
But I Wish
That I could
Just save

With no alternative
The cliffside crumbles
Into inevitable ruin
That lies beyond
Waters edge.

Sand beach
Beautiful ghost
Of a past not ever
To be seen

You become the sand
And the sky
The rocks
And the water

I am embraced
By your shallow warmth
The reflection of sunlight
From the moon
Hitting your body
I am sinking
In every


Even the rocks
Jagged, some smooth
Some cut my skin
I know it's so you can
My blood
Warmer than the beach at night
Absorb part of me
As you
Every part of me

I am
Buried now
I can no longer see
Your beautiful surface
But I keep lying to myself
Telling myself that this
Mixture of blood and
Sand is everything
More worth it
Than life

...It will always be my honor
My pleasure...
To die beneath your waves.
Shanti Starks Oct 2020
When  I was a child
I dreamt of what it would be
To have a perfect family
My daydreaming was long,
But your patience was short
A fuse
Burning too close
For comfort.

In my day sleep,
I would imagine a mother
No younger than 34
Her dark brown eyes were soft
And caring
Never icy,
But feeling
And they could get hot
But never cold
Or isolating

I was her son
No older than eight
I played with legos on the grey carpet
Of our new apartment
It smelled new
Because it was

Because, she had worked hard to get here
And fought hard to stay
And loved me enough
To want to keep us together

A perfect family
Worries about the rent
But never wonders
If there is love there

A perfect mother
Doesn't have to always be there
When she's working the night shift
Or be happy
When she's drowning in stress
But she does have to be
She needs to be

Even when I didn't get any on Christmas
I wasn't unhappy
I just understood and felt
Her love for me...

A perfect family
Doesn't have to be
Just clear
On what family is
Shanti Starks Oct 2020
If poetry is life
Obfuscated and distressed,
A stranger getting undressed
Through a lens
Not quite sickening, your soul
At the sight of it
Excited, enticed but yet,
Of how
Life is also
Shanti Starks Oct 2020
The more people know me,
The less they want to.
The less people know me,
The more they want to.

When I sleep, I sleep alone.
When I dream,
I dream alone.
In my dreams,
People are not people
But anxiety
Over the pain I'm waiting to happen
In the waking world,
My worry is about what pain
Might present itself to others
If they don't learn how to not cause pain.

I need to sleep.
Shanti Starks Oct 2020
I grieve
More than I grieve
And there have been many
For whom
I could have...
Whenever I ask someone,
Tienes fuego?
The smallest of connections
Shared for a brief second
I'm grateful
But that's not to say
It's transactional
Just that
I have never felt
This way
Before I met you...
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