Thomas

Thomas Feb 2019

Im sitting here reading some WebMD article about coping with dying. Literally every step is something I am fully capable of doing, until it came to “Letting people in”. I always knew this is something I should start doing, but it seems like such a foreign concept. I have NEVER been able to let people in. I only let them think im close enough to reach out to when in reality I play it so close to my chest its basically tattooed on. Letting people in, especially now, seems like such a bad idea to me. Why would I open up now just so people can watch me die? When I first found out I didnt plan on telling anyone. Not until the funeral.

But I realized something. “Letting people in” is not a step for me to accept. Its a step for other people. A step for them to accept that I wont be there to grow old, I wont be there for the early bird special, I wont be there for my future nieces and nephews. This step is to allow others to accept dying. All I can do is try my best to let them in. Even if it is only a little at a time. I owe my friends and family that. So I promise, I will do my absolute best to let people in, to answer any and every questions they may have.

Thomas Feb 2019

6.22.11

That day will forever be burned into my brain. That was the day I was ****** assaulted. Me and my parents had complete faith in this organization. I have never trusted since that day. I hate him. I hate him with every fiber of my being. But hate wont change what he did. Hate wont change the fact he killed himself that January. Some how a dead man’s words hold more merit then the poor kid who’s life he changed forever. I hate you. If you were still alive I would have killed you myself. You have ruined so many relationships with my friends and family. You are the reason I can never truly open up to those who are always there for me. You are the reason I went through years of therapy that did not do jack **** to help me. You are the reason I tried to **** myself the first and third time. You are the reason I feel like i am not worth loving. *******. ******* and the false images people still have of you. The only reason I have not outed you is because people need to see you as some kind of ******* hero. I will not do that to them. I will not hurt people in anyway by letting them know how you hurt me. *******.

Thomas Feb 2019

Dear You.

You tell you love me, you tell me you dont. You tell me to come over, you tell me you miss me, you tell me you want to talk, you tell you want a hug, YOU TELL ME LIES. You give me false hope of something you claim can never be. You had my heart and you ruined it. Now my physical heart can reflect my emotional one. I feel like a ******* caged animal. My escape routes have all been cut off. My friends. My family. You. You most important of all. The one who has told me NOTHING BUT LIES. Ill be there for you. LIE. We can still be friends. LIE. All you have ever done is LIE TO ME. How do I know anything we had was real. Anything we had was true. How can I believe anything was real. If you ever truly loved me even for a moment. Then prove it. Sit down and give me the ******* respect I am owed. I helped you when your mother was abusing you. I helped you when your father was still a **** to you. I helped you when your step father would yell at you. I helped you when your own “friend” threated to **** me and when you would come crying to me because of how scared you are of her. Yet look who you went back to almost immediately. The same person you were terrified of.

You lied to me every chance you had. You built me up just to break me back down like some ******* block structure. You told me to stop drinking. But do you know why I started drinking in the first place. To numb the pain you caused. To fill the hole where my heart had been until you ripped it out. You told me to stop cutting myself. Do you know why I started. Because of the lies you kept telling me.

You got angry when I would talk to my ex. Yet you were the reason I started communicating with them again. You pushed me so far. So far off the edge. And they cared enough to pull me back. They gave me the support when you refused. They were the friend I needed. You thought she was a threat to us. But she literally spelled out to her that she wasnt a threat.

Whether or not any of this is right or wrong. I will never know. You still have yet to talk to me. After the countless times you have promised me. You still have yet to talk.

The thing that I hate absolute most. More than the lies. Is the fact that no matter how much I want to. I cant be mad at you.

I hate that feeling. I hate not being able to get mad. I hate the fact you make me feel this way. I hate so many things. Except for you.

You told me you wanted a life with me.

You told me you would always be there for me.

You told me I was your world.

You told me so may lovely things that made me fall deeper and deeper in love with you.

You told me you loved me.

Thomas Feb 2019

The Future.

**** Fate. **** odds. **** my survival rate. **** everything going against me. I am the force I need. If I want good things in what time I have left I am going to fight ******* tooth and nail and claw my way to whatever top I want. **** everyone feeling sorry for me. I dont need your sorries. I need people to go do my bucket list with. Death is not scary. Death is freeing. If I werent dying I would never be as confident as I am now. Death is empowering. Why the **** would I care about my outcome when my outcome is the black? I am focusing on the process rather than the outcome. Whatever I want. I am going to do my ******* best to get. Rather that be to get the girl, get the job or get the hell out of Dodge. I. Am. Going. To. Do. It. Whoever the **** thinks they can tell me otherwise does not deserve a seat on this runaway train of confidence. I am going to live like im dying, and smile like ill never die. My future is for whatever I want to fight for. My future is mine.

Thomas Feb 2019

Hate.

I hate when you say you care, then you tell me you dont want to talk anymore. I hate when you tell me you would drive down with me to Cleveland, because everyone and their aunt knows that’s a lie. I hate when you tell me you’re overwhelmed by my texts, imagine being told youre dying in a new way every other week and then tell me youre the one who’s overwhelmed. I hate looking at old pictures of us when you had that sparkle in your beautiful heart-melting brown eyes, now you wont even look me in mine. I hate when you tell me you still want to be friends, but then you refuse to sit down and hang out with me, ya know? like friends do. I hate when I try to explain to you why I have been acting the way I have been and you just reply with “OK”. I hate that you coerced me into opening up and then completely locked me out of any hope of feeling at home again. I hate you for using me to make you happy until you felt that you didn’t need me anymore and left me wondering where I went wrong. I hate the fact my self confidence was exterminated like a nest of cockroaches. I hate the fact I changed who I was to be the perfect person for you and yet that still wasn’t ever enough. I hate the fact you said I never made time when I put my life on hold for you. I hate the fact I rearranged the alphabet to put I and U together but somehow U came before I. I hate the fact you can’t see how abusive and toxic your family is for you. I hate how you think I can just get over you in a weeks time. I hate how you said the only reason you still talked to me was because you were worried. You should be worried. But worried about what you’ve caused. I hate the fact I stopped doing what I love because you thought it was too depressing. This is what I loved. Writing poetry. The reason it’s so **** depressing is because I have no where else to turn with these words. I hate thinking back and reading every time you told me to love me. You used to call me a silver tongue with my sweet, love filled words. Yet look who the one is that spoke empty words. My words still have the same volume as they always did. Yours are the ones with empty meaning now. I hate how you gave me hope that someone in this ****** up world could ever actually love me. I hate the fact that when I opened up about trying to **** myself. Three times. You blamed me for being depressed. I hate the fact you tell me you care and then ignore me for days at a time. Even after listing out all these things I hate. There is still one thing I cant bring myself to hate. You.

Thomas Feb 2019

Alphabetical

I have gone over how it ended over and over in my head and I have come to a shocking realization. Its not my fault. I gave that part of my life my everything but it ending was not my fault. I rearranged the alphabet to but I and U together but somewhere along the way I out U before I. That is my fault. With everything thats been going on with me physically and emotionally, that is the worst thing I could have done. I had put you and your happiness before me and my basic medical needs time and time again. Can we just talk about how ****** that is? I put someone else’s happiness above my own health. I can remember times where I would be having heart problems but I kept quiet as to not impose on her fun. I stopped doing so much of what I loved in order to do what she loved. None of this is her fault, these are choices I made. Thats the issue. I made these choices. I put U before I. But now im going to go back and make this **** alphabetically correct and put I before U. Thats how it always should have been.