Today I went out on the balcony. I needed a breath. It’s been so long since I needed a breath. A breath without smoke coming from my mouth when I exhaled.
Just a breath.
I just needed a breath.
A breath.
Breathe.
Breathe.
It hurts to breathe. It hurts. My heart hurts, my head hurts, my everything hurts.
It hurts.
Just breathe.
It’ll be okay.
I miss him so much and it hurts.

They showed me his body today. In fairytales, I would shut his eyes gently and say how peaceful he looked. But we all know this is not a fairytale.
He looked awful. Bruises were everywhere, his eyes had dark circles under them, he looked blueish and gray… he looked like his last moments were spent in pain.
I just hope Heaven can wipe his memories of all that pain. I wish Heaven could wipe my memories of him, while they’re at it.
Then maybe it wouldn’t hurt so bad.

“We’re so sorry.”
So that’s it, then. They’re ‘sorry.’
It’s not their fault, I know that. But still, I can’t help but feel angry.
Everything was about to change, but at least they’re ‘sorry.’

A man is making his move on me,
This I can clearly understand,
Though, I never learned how to say no.
I said I want to write, and that was the end of it.
I will wait until he goes to sleep.
He touched my stuffed rabbit,
And I couldn’t breathe.
I don’t like it,
But I never learned how to say no.
His tongue is jammed in my mouth,
He smells and tastes awful,
And something so wet should not be so warm.
I am uncomfortable,
But I never learned how to say no.
He says gross things.
“You’re pretty,”
“You’re cute,”
“I love you,”
It makes me wanna puke,
So I say ‘Ew’ and try to move on.
I ignore his ****** comments.
It’s awkward,
It’s uncomfortable,
And it’s stressful,
But I never learned how to say no.

She is a child of the stars.
Flawless and beautiful, though she doesn’t know it.
With her eyes like the moon,
And hair like the deepest ocean.
Flowing.
Adrift.
She felt as the moon would;
Alone.
Among an endless sea of stars that do not encompass her.
Is she a planet or a star?
What is the moon?
She is the moon.
What else do you want from her?
Do you really need her to be one of the stars?
Is it not enough for her to roam among them peacefully?
No.
No, the moon is not enough.
She must be just like the stars or she is flawed.
Not too noticeable or you’re an attention-seeker, not too quiet or you’re angsty.  
She is a child of the stars.
She is trapped amongst the stars.
She lights up the entire night sky almost entirely by herself, but no.
That’s not enough.
Forget your trophies, forget your beauty, forget your perfections.
Oh, poor moon…
Swimming in the sky, floating amongst traitors. Floating amongst regular.
Trying to escape the current

Dec. 25
Today is the day I follow Shiloh. I quit my job at the bakery, and I gave the cash to a charity. I’m done here. I’m finished. There’s no ‘unfinished business.’
I’m ready.
I stand atop this bridge now. Hoping maybe you’ll listen. Understand why I did this. Not that you’ll care. We haven’t talked in years. But I have to tell someone, and you’re the only one I thought of.
I don’t want to be known as ‘selfish’ for this. I want people to understand. I can’t do this without him, you know?
So I won’t. I won’t do anything without him.
I think I need to die now because I know it’ll be better than this purgatory we call home.
Honestly, I don’t want to die.
I think I just don’t want to be alone.
And I sure as hell don’t want Shiloh to be alone, either.
The air is emptier without his laugh, and it is painful to sit here in this new silence and long for the music to start again, and for the disc to spin again, even if it means going round and round for many more years…
…for at least we would be moving, and Shiloh would be laughing here on Earth… And not only in Heaven.
But I am grateful that we loved him well. And that we miss him well.
But now, we grieve in silence. Yet, not without his presence.
I miss him so much. So, so much. It hurts. And I can’t hurt this much any longer. I’m sorry, I just can’t. I can’t take it. I wanted a romance, not a tragedy.
I just… Shiloh was so good at telling me what he wanted. He threw fits when he didn’t get the remote for the video game console when I died, he would jump on my shoulders and whine. I’d sigh and give it up.
He wasn’t great at showing me what he loved, though. He’d always hide or try to evade things when we got on the conversation of likes and dislikes.
I wonder… Who was I to him?
Kodes.
I’m Kodes.
He’d laugh with nana when she called me Buggy, though. I’m Kodes, but sometimes I’m Buggy.
As cheesy as it sounds, I really… I really thought I’d be alone for the rest of my life. But then he came along. I was on the ground at a playground when I was seven.
I had been pushed to the floor by a few kids from my school.
But I looked up, and I saw an angel. And he reached his hand out to me, and I took it. And this angel seemed to be the solution to everything. I never expected him to stay as long as he did. He even kept coming back after the first time he saw my dad.
So I kept hiding him in my closet.
And he kept coming back. He always came back.
Once, he tried to run away. I was the first person he ran to when he decided to come back. He ran to me and cried into my shoulder. And I didn’t mind the snot one bit. He always came back.
But he’s not coming back this time.
Umm… Also, just something I’ve been thinking about… Uh, call me crazy, but… I think he did it on purpose. I think he went in there knowing he was probably going to die, and he wanted that… Um... I think he was thinking, “Oh, look, a perfect chance!!” Like, a rescue mission with a side of suicide?? I don’t know, I’m probably overthinking it, it’s just…
I loved him. It was more than love. Beyond love. I went beyond and I lost it all.
I think that angel of mine has decided it’s time for him to go home. And it’s devastating, but I just hope things will be better for him up there. The love of my life. I just hope he finds peace.
I am so happy for him. I am. But I don’t think I’m ready to do this without him. And so, I won’t.
Anyways… you heard about my story. You heard about what I knew about Shiloh’s story. I’m done here.
Goodbye, Jennifer. I just want you to know it wasn’t your fault, okay?? Mom and dad were bad, alright? It’s not your fault. My dying wish is for you to stop blaming yourself to what happened to us. You’re young. You’re my little sister. You weren’t responsible for what they did.
You shouldn’t have felt obligated to care for me. No matter what, I’ll always be with you.
I love you, Jenny. Don’t miss me too much. You’re all grown up now!! You can do it without me, okay?
So… “Goodbye, cruel world,” and everything.
Sayonara, and I hope you might understand.
And I hope I’m not called selfish.
…even though I deserve it.
Oh!! I am donating everything you find that belonged to me, but you can’t take the rabbit. And you better not touch my copy of To **** a Mockingbird.  

Sincerely,
Your Best Big Brother
P.s. Do me a favor.
Don’t hold anything back. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Moral of the story, and all.

Denial… No… Confrontation, forgiveness, and moving on.
Moving on.
I’m skipping town. I’ve got nothing left here. I left nana a note. She’ll be okay without us.
I packed a bag. I put Squid and our copy of To **** a Mockingbird in it. I’ve got plenty of money, not that I’ll need it.
I’m probably just gonna follow Shiloh, wherever he is. I won’t need this cash. I’ll leave it next to a note if I write one.
Shiloh is…
Whatever. It doesn’t matter now. I’m leaving.
That should fix everything.
…I hope.