I beat that ******* doctor to the ground today. I should have killed him. I wouldn’t even mind the blood on my hands. No, not one bit.
But Shiloh would be upset with me. I hated it when Shiloh was upset. When dad came home, Shiloh looked like he was about to cry. He was trembling. I hid him in the closet so he wouldn’t be beaten with me.
And then I’d smile at him to try and make the fear go away. But then one day, he smiled to me instead. He held my face in his palm and tilted his head. He took a deep breath…
…and he smiled.
“Just breathe.” He told me. “It’ll be okay.”
I remembered that when I was beating the doctor. I remembered Shiloh’s smile.
And I remember his tears, and shaking hands, and dark circles under his eyes.
Why. Why do I have to use ‘-ed’ in every sentence I say that has the word Shiloh in it?
Why do I have to use past tense now? I want to go back to using present tense. I want Shiloh back. He can’t be gone. There is no way he’s gone. Even this cruel God I keep hearing about wouldn’t do that!!
…right?
…An eye for an eye, and the world goes blind. I’m no better. I’m not a hero.
I’m just me.

I was ****** at the doctors. I’m angry at everything right now, but more than anything, I’m mad at him.
How dare he.
He broke so many promises yesterday. He promised he would stay here. He LIED to me!!! He said he wouldn’t do that ****** surgery!!
…
…We, uh… we had the um… funeral. For Shiloh. I just… No one… I was the only one there. Nana didn’t even come. What the hell?
Nobody shows up to your birthday, fine… but really? It’s a funeral!!
But… Somehow, I’m not surprised… because…
…The Peacock Effect: Who cares if you exist?

“Oh, ****—”
“Somebody get—"
Oh, god… this is… loud. And bright. And overwhelming. What is this beeping noise? It hurts. Oh, my head…
“We’re losing—”

I’ve been throwing up a lot recently. I threw up in Kody’s lap the other day. He gulped and cringed, then gagged, but he just patted my back and told me to ‘let it all out.’ I threw up a whole bunch more. It felt like an ***** or two was gonna come out.
When I was done, Kody went to go get a change of clothes. I felt real bad.
I ***** about 3 times a day now, but now we keep the weird green baggies next to me at all times. It makes a nasty noise and Kody gags every time he hears it. It’s disgusting, but I can’t stop. I feel constantly dizzy.
My stomach aches and turns, I lose my appetite, I get real dizzy, and then I *****. This horrible and painfully repetitive cycle began just last week, but I’ve already grown used to it.
I feel sick.

The chatter in the hospital always died down around this hour. In the quiet, Kody sat in a chair beside me and read to me. He foot was kicked up on my leg and he was slumping down in his chair. He always scolded me for doing that.
“Shoot all the blue jays you want if you can hit ‘em,” He read, “But remember…” I looked at my feet, which poked out from under the blanket in front of me. “It’s a sin to **** a mockingbird.”

The nurse walked in. He smiled at us and then checked his clipboard. He turned to Kody, who was looking at him with an expression I couldn’t read on his face. The nurse gestured for him to follow and Kody got up off the floor. I watched them leave. Kody and the nurse both turned around to smile at me reassuringly.
What were they hiding??

He shook his head. “Is he going to be okay then?”
“Yes. We can add some meds to his regular ones to treat this, too.”
“Okay… how much?”
I looked out the window at the skyline, fogged up and cold. Matched my mood. It was rainy and the gray clouds covered up the sun. Kody sighed and rubbed his head. I ignored what they were saying and looked at the IV in my arm and rolled my eyes.