and now, all my thoughts are reaching as far as the rainbows

and here, all my love pours out of these same holes

and then, all i want is for you to know

after all of this, the pain is slowed

i spend every day and night wishing i could be 15 again

since then i been feeling like an intruding alien in

the body i call mine and the mind ive been sealed in

dropped every ride or die so i could heal again,

knowing **** well i was lying to myself and deceiving them

never knew why i wore disguises, 5 years keeping up appearances

every night, all the time, wishing i could disappear again

only girl i was myself with thinks im delirious

now its only me, i and myself hearing this

insincere and full of surprises, to everyone else im a comedian

and i still wanna ******* **** myself cuz existing is so tedious

and i still hide the fact that i sincerely wish

i could decisively stifle the incitement to act like a

******* chameleon

an eternal feeling of **** this,
im nocturnal, lack of sleep making me look undead.

if it weren't for my lack of a brain,
i would've figured out a way,

to rid myself of this ****, but i'm managing today,
to keep myself from feeling insane

over the fact you're not the only one i can blame,
for the way i'm having all of this pain,

******* forever,
is all i can say

i am not doing well
at finding a balance;

    let me know if you'll wait for me,  
and ill let you know when im ready.

was i talking to myself?
are you filled with malice?

the silence is breaking me,
weighing on my soul heavy.

i dont want your forced love or your torture,
in the end im just a lost boy screaming for closure.

3AM and a head full of thoughts,
mind is racing,
weighting all the costs -
- do i leave or stay in?

3AM and a chest full of indecision,
smash my heart against the wall til it hurts,
it's like my ******* life is missing,
why stay when it only gets worse?

Brave warrior I am, screaming indian,

Buy my culture on sale at a costume store,

Bury my heart and the traditions I am rooted in,

Take my dancing regalia and give me my uniform.

all these feelings that i got,
you can have em back.

all those things you thought,
keep em in the trash.

i wont keep you in my mind,
and i wont even lie -

- i don't wanna try,
i don't wanna waste your time.

tired of living now - time to say **** it
that's the reason why loving me is *******

sometimes i feel like i'm just saying things
achievements on repeat,
retell one line, and i feel brainless
i've exceeded my limit on grieving,
from focusing on the part of me that never changes
time is passing, and my mind is bleeding

i had chosen to get myself into this -

- the socializing,

the vapid friends list,

the ocean of lies and,

the recklessness,

the enormous price of,

hiding when depression still hits

i hope you're still looking

if you're even anyone



im missing whatever it was

if it was ever anything

i loved her through and though
i loved her true
but soon i knew
she loved him too

i havent felt since
i dont know who to tell this

even with you beside me
i am alone in writing
mind stumbled and writhing
late night analyzing

once she was so exciting
now only antagonizing

hoping to find a reason to blame
nothing will ever hide this shame