i spend every day and night wishing i could be 15 again

since then i been feeling like an intruding alien in

the body i call mine and the mind ive been sealed in

dropped every ride or die so i could heal again,

knowing **** well i was lying to myself and deceiving them

never knew why i wore disguises, 5 years keeping up appearances

every night, all the time, wishing i could disappear again

only girl i was myself with thinks im delirious

now its only me, i and myself hearing this

insincere and full of surprises, to everyone else im a comedian

and i still wanna ******* **** myself cuz existing is so tedious

and i still hide the fact that i sincerely wish

i could decisively stifle the incitement to act like a

******* chameleon

an eternal feeling of **** this,
im nocturnal, lack of sleep making me look undead.

if it weren't for my lack of a brain,
i would've figured out a way,

to rid myself of this ****, but i'm managing today,
to keep myself from feeling insane

over the fact you're not the only one i can blame,
for the way i'm having all of this pain,

******* forever,
is all i can say

sometimes i feel like i'm just saying things
achievements on repeat,
retell one line, and i feel brainless
i've exceeded my limit on grieving,
from focusing on the part of me that never changes
time is passing, and my mind is bleeding

i had chosen to get myself into this -

- the socializing,

the vapid friends list,

the ocean of lies and,

the recklessness,

the enormous price of,

hiding when depression still hits

all these feelings that i got,
you can have em back.

all those things you thought,
keep em in the trash.

i wont keep you in my mind,
and i wont even lie -

- i don't wanna try,
i don't wanna waste your time.

tired of living now - time to say **** it
that's the reason why loving me is *******

i am not doing well
at finding a balance;

    let me know if you'll wait for me,  
and ill let you know when im ready.

was i talking to myself?
are you filled with malice?

the silence is breaking me,
weighing on my soul heavy.

i dont want your forced love or your torture,
in the end im just a lost boy screaming for closure.

3AM and a head full of thoughts,
mind is racing,
weighting all the costs -
- do i leave or stay in?

3AM and a chest full of indecision,
smash my heart against the wall til it hurts,
it's like my ******* life is missing,
why stay when it only gets worse?

i hope you're still looking

if you're even anyone



im missing whatever it was

if it was ever anything

Brave warrior I am, screaming indian,

Buy my culture on sale at a costume store,

Bury my heart and the traditions I am rooted in,

Take my dancing regalia and give me my uniform.

and now, all my thoughts are reaching as far as the rainbows

and here, all my love pours out of these same holes

and then, all i want is for you to know

after all of this, the pain is slowed

i loved her through and though
i loved her true
but soon i knew
she loved him too

i havent felt since
i dont know who to tell this

even with you beside me
i am alone in writing
mind stumbled and writhing
late night analyzing

once she was so exciting
now only antagonizing

hoping to find a reason to blame
nothing will ever hide this shame