A smile fades, broken, scared

Joyful eyes are closing no hope of opening again

Breaths are hitched, caught in the back of a sore and swollen throat

Hands rest by the side, loose and no longer moving

Running feet now still, in the air

Rosy cheeks now pale, dark in the royalty of purple

Pencil next to paper, cold from lack of use

Paper crumpled around the splintering wood unable to hold the correct words

An ocean of crimson rubies cover the toppled chair

Skin pale holding no color or sign of memories

Croaking stairs as feet climb to the top

A soft breeze by the open window

Creaking of a hinge only to be followed by a loud crack

Stiffness hung in the air, unable to move

A name called 1...2....3

A hand reaching out to hold what they cannot touch

Mind racing yet no movement is made

Like floodgates during a violent storm of rage eyes open

The creaking comes to a stop

Wind stops howling soft violent tunes

The mind still, lurking and waiting

Eyes widen as they move, a burnt wooden desk still pungent yet soothing

The chair still in its place, standing near the door

Hands grip the soft, soothing texture

A sigh, a breath, a welcoming, musical sound to the ear

A smile plays on the red lips

"Only a dream." It speaks "Only a memory."

Getting out of bed every morning gets harder
Putting on a new face before heading out into the world, seems easier
Lying every day is a habit of mine
A hobby you might say, but not one to be enjoyed
Something like, art, music, writing, cooking, now those are hobbies
Keeping a smile every day is getting easier to fake
A mask to hide my frown
A wall to hide my worry
With ever wall that breaks two grow in its place
Make-up to cover the shame
Baggy clothing to cover the pain
Every day I try to be me but,
Every day my voice gets buried by my lies
Every morning is getting harder to face
Putting on a new mask is getting easier

Words cut deeper than this knife through my skin
Words building me up on a pedestal only to knock me down

Words healing the wounds only to make them deeper like a child picking a scab, healing before digging, creating a scar that tells of their past.

Scars are my trophies
I survived with these wounds
Battles I have lost, this war I am fighting

Every yell, a sword through my already shattered heart

Words cut through me deeper and deeper

Why do others make me feel this way
That no matter what I do I can never be enough for anyone

I lie every day, my smile, my thoughts, my actions

The only thing that allows me to be myself is my art, the darkness hung in my room, hidden in drawers, thoughts tucked in my mind

No matter what I do everyone looks at me scared

Of what?

What I could do?
What I can do?

I try every day to be the little girl everyone once knew

The one who smiled everyday

The one that could cheer everyone up

Today my smile is fake
I want people to know, but I don’t

I deserve everything that has and will happen

I deserve my pain, to be alone, to watch everyone breathe as I sink deeper into this ocean of worry, pain, and sadness

My hand waits to be held to bring me to the surface, helping me to breathe

My lungs burn, burn for love, to be noticed

But I know

I don’t deserve happiness, love, attention, this home, this bed, this luxury, this life

No matter how much I tell myself I will never be enough, I know I am selfish

What’s wrong with me, is nothing compared to those kicked from their homes, disowned by family

The want to help is strong, but how can I help others when I must help myself first?

All I think about is helping others, putting myself at the very bottom of the list

Save everyone, myself not included

I’m like the new toy that everyone wants at first but when they get bored I’m thrown out and forgotten under the bed with these monsters

I’ve got the looks of a human girl, I’ve got the soul

Batteries not included

My heart is slowly dying, my last breath wasted on asking myself what I did wrong

Could I do better?

Can I change so that I can be accepted into this life where no matter what I do

I’m wrong

I dress up, I must want attention

I put on sweatpants, I am lazy

I feel confident enough to wear shorts that lay on my thighs, I’m a ****

I cover up my body, something must be hidden

They say you’re beautiful no matter what, only to say you are anything but

I’m trapped in my own skin, screaming for help as my mind and heart pull away

Scars on my skin are all I have left to show my pain, too numb to speak

My tears dried up

My words stuck in my throat

Thoughts on paper

Pictures, on my skin

Once pure, now suffocating by screaming demons, dragging me to my personal hell

I have no Angel to save me, no savior

I push everyone away so they cannot see my horrid mind

Fear, life, nightmares

Afraid of my demons

That they’re dragged down with me for those who stay

Terrified that demons will be awaken

I cannot let others suffer to save me

Images of the once joyful faces, frown at the thought of being happy

No one should want to feel pain because they have gone numb

The ones I love shouldn’t go through what I have done

Only voices that beat me down are my own

And yet

I stand

I need to show that I can be strong in these times

I will hold myself up

Though I have lost battles I will win the war

I gave into my demons but I am pulling myself up from my burning desires

Finally able to breathe I can see my future

I see I can be happy

My scars are just a chapter

I’m still writing this story

My head held high

Only I can control what is to come next

I will fight for others

I will pick up those who have fallen

I am only human

I will fall, break, bleed, fall apart

I will have my bad days and I will have my good

I will fight

I will win

I am only human

Such small wings, full of feathers helping her fly the endless sky
A rainbow of colors shining and glimmering with every beat of her weightless wings
Her smile bright, her eyes full of wonder, cheeks rosy
A helpless man, wings cut and stripped of their feathers
Plucking a feather of her own she gives the man the feather and teaching him how to fly
More helpless man and woman, fewer feathers, their wings stripped from them
Who is she to deny to help these people
One more person, one less feather
One last person, no more feathers
Such small wings, stripped of feathers keeping her grounded
No color to give, no person to help, no light to be shown
Her smile bright, her eyes full of wonder, cheeks stained with tears
Walks the earth looking for love
Hope
Kindness

"There's a monster in my closet!"
A small voice travels through the halls leading her parents to her
"There is no monster, now go to bed."
A small kiss on her forehead then they leave
Her eyes stay stuck on the closet
3
A hand reaches out, small delicate fingers hold onto the rim of the door
2
Her eyes weighing down as she struggles to stay awake, small fingers coming closer
1
Soft hands hold onto her, their razor sharp nails dig deep into her arms
Parents awake to find their little girl sleeping forever
Her little wrists cut so deep
Her green eyes closed
Her small lips curled into a small smile
A razor, sharp to the touch, held in her lifeless hand
Her closet door open showing a full body mirror
A small box help razor-sharp trinkets, dull from use
Stained with her blood

“You can’t do anything right!” They yell from across the hall that she walks down.
The air around her cold just as the people around her.
“You’re a waste of space, no one cares.” They say, their words spinning around her head. The words  wrapping around her brain leaving scars as the spin and twirl
“Just go and die already, nobody would miss you.” The words sharper than the blade that has run across her arms
She walks home showing no emotion, but inside she’s falling apart.
Closing the door she sighs and slumps on her bed
She pulls out a tangled mess from her bag and plugs them in her MP3 Player
The buttons click as she searches,
Searching for that song that will put her mind at ease
Classic Rock for the days she’s energized, singing every lyric
Pop Music when she wants to dance around, she smiles and moves around not caring
The buttons stop clicking and the song starts playing
Her mother used to sing it to her when she woke up
Her dark green eyes closed as she hums along
In her mind, she’s in her mother’s arms and she sings
Her morning lullaby, happy and encouraging
Her lips curl into a soft smile as she sings along with her mother
This was her song that she relied on
The song she needed when words couldn’t be formed
The song showed her love when she felt unloved
Lyrics lightly traveled through the headphones and into her scared mind, healing each cut tenderly
Through the headphones, she hears the song that makes her feel alive.

Why do people love?
Do they even know what it means or do they just throw it around like it’s nothing?
When you say it, you should mean it.
You should know what it is and understand what that means.
All I hear now is children saying the word as if they understand it’s meaning.
They yell at their parents and elders trying to convince them that they know what it is.
How can only mear children know and understand the word that is said constantly if I don’t know its meaning?
How can these children walk around thinking that they know better than adults?
How can they think that these adults who have seen more struggle in their time then kids today know nothing?
Love is something that most adults do not know to this day and are trying to find.
Why is it that everyone says that they love but not long after it turns into hate, envy, and greed.
What is love?
There are many theories but there is no way to find the right one.
Is love weak, powerful, a mix, maybe it’s just one emotion.
Or maybe it more.
How can we tell?
It is a test or quiz that life gives that only a few may pass?
Is there a purpose?
Is it a game that is played by everyone?
Is it something the brain makes to prevent it from going insane?
Something that could help it cope with life and everything in it?
Something that even through all the negative problems something positive can come from it?
How can we know if we don’t understand?
So why then lie?
Why say you love someone if you don’t even know the full idea of the word love?