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255 · May 2017
Nothing
Huda May 2017
I walked into an empty room with a handful of everything I wanted to leave behind, there was a reaching hand that promised me comfort and little tiny piece of hope for exchange. We exchanged with no words.
People noticed a different face on me but not on her.
I promised myself I'll use the piece of hope on her.
It'll take time, a lot of time. Maybe years?
Time was not it. Maybe words?
Lots of words, words are not it.
Maybe nothing?
Yes, nothing.
Nothing never needed hope, time or words.
Nothing never needed anything and maybe that's why it handed everything it had to me, hoping I'd realize being nothing is better.
I realized nothing it is, nothing for me, nothing for her.
So I lose nothing.
Words are ****.
Hope is just an illusion.
Nothing it is.
252 · May 2018
Under
Huda May 2018
The sun taught me how to control this house of fire
I light up floating candles throughout the way to an empty land where I fire cursed fireballs
I burn less as I shoot my shooting stars
I am present
I am here
I am the daughter of the Sun
Don't come too close
Don't wish upon my dead shooting stars
251 · Aug 2018
Untitled
Huda Aug 2018
يكويني تكونك فكوني كوني
الا في تكونك يكتمل تكوني
239 · Nov 2017
Untitled
Huda Nov 2017
Over and over and over and over and over and over and over and again and again and again and again and again.
206 · Dec 2020
Untitled
Huda Dec 2020
و حين بدأت رحلة البحث على نفسي، وجدك راحلا
و حينما احلم في منامي ويقظتي أجدك راحلا
و حين اقبل عيناك و امسك وجهك بين كفاي، أجدك راحلا
و حين تمر رجفة بعظامي وارى نفسي تبحث خارج جسدي، اجدك راحلا
و حين تهدأ العاصفه و يصمت الوجود و تشرق شمسي محبة، أجدك راحلا
و حين أجد نفسي.. أجدك راحلاً
و نفسي لا تشتهي نفساً ان تفخر الا ذاك الراحلَ
205 · Nov 2018
Nov
Huda Nov 2018
Nov
Overflowing flame, November has always held spontaneous mountains for me, above me.
Sinking with the drain, holding on to what I claim is mine, bigger loneliness comes from that.
I told you my true name, but I say it once.
I can paint pictures, I can burn half of the world with my mouth, but only if I used the right words.. which is never my strongest suit.
Your hands slip from mine, you fold them and go to sleep, I fall asleep with. We’re not in the same dream anymore. I’m still doubting life and if this is one of life’s jokes on me.
The wind is heading my way, it passes your wrong thoughts to mine and mine to the trees.
Look me in the eye. Look me in the eye.
Am I an accessory or am I a segment of your imagination? Maybe we’re an idea.
171 · Oct 26
Untitled
Huda Oct 26
قلبي قلب يتحدث جميع اللغات
لكنه هرم يجب ان يتجدد و يترك لغة الآهات
يا ربي لا تحرمني من قلب يحس و يتلذذ بالثمرات
لكني تعبت الهجران و النسيان باسم الحب
فهل لي من زائر يصبح خليلاً و يبقى حبيباً
صليت و وازنت و صبرت و أقود مشاعري لاسبقها قبل تسبقني فطريقي فخطاي سأرسمها بيدي و أكون حره من خضوعي للحب و من  من يحدثني باسمه كذباً
يا ربي لا اعتراض بقدري و لا بظلام ليلي
و ان كان طريقي ثقيل بالمشاعر
ان نفسي بوسعها و انا من انا سوى عبد من عبادك
عبد يناجيك سرا و علانية
ان تكرم قلبي
ان تلطف عليه
ان ترزقه خياله
ان تحيي موتاه
ان تعلمه لغة العباد
ان لا تعلقه إلا بك
أو ان يكون عندك
167 · Jun 2019
W2Visitors
Huda Jun 2019
There will always be a knock
there's always a new stranger to knock
for a conversation
for a glimpse of your brain
for comfort
for a safe place
for reassurance
for a deal
for your heart maybe..?
but not all of them is love sober
some will knock to find what they've lost
for someone like her
for an exchange of fake feelings
for fake druken words
for a touch of lust
for a distraction of their mind with yours
for visions your brain might not have the colors of
for one stroke on your strings, of a song they've played before but is completely new to you.. you might be intrigued, but you shouldn't be
I've been knocked
knocked at
knocked for
knocked out
but I never let just anyone in.. Or do I?
Once upon a new constellation in the sky, in a new side on the moon I've never seen, a new shade of black when staring directly into the sun, that has always been blue and purple..
I walk to the door to knock, and there you were already knocking.. I've been hearing these church bells for a year now, I've been feeling my heartbeat sing along to it, a different knock, a sober knock, a new knock that I couldn't resist opening the door for, hell I opened all the doors and all the windows for, I opened my heart, I kept my mind open, I was completely and utterly open and I sang along.
But I knew it was bad, I felt fear and fear and whole lotta fear, but nothing could stop me because you're here with me and you are singing along, you were singing along..
Where did I go wrong? I keep forgetting people can have a change of heart, they change their mind, everything changes in a short period of time and it makes my lungs so tight and my knees weak.. because it's never my change of heart. It's never me. I don't know what the **** is wrong with me but I know that it's time for me to knock on other doors.. because I am not accepting new visitors
I'm knocking on a door..
for love that I know doesn't exist
for reassurance
for sweet little lies that makes me smile
for the final exam of all the lessons I learned
156 · Nov 2019
النهاية
Huda Nov 2019
أسوء من أخطائك البريئة
هو مواجهتي لك..
ثم  تكرارك لها..
مره..
مرتين..
.إلى نهاية السبعين عذر و بداية سذاجتي
أرى الهجر بكف و الصبر بكف..
وليلى يصرخ..
هجرٌ جميلٌ والله المستعان!
فلا جمال في الصبر الغبي.
و تُقْبل أفكاري الخبيثة في أول الصباح
و يمضي الصباح.. و تغرب الشمس..
و لا تمضي أفكاري ولا تغرب.
154 · Dec 2017
Blackbird
Huda Dec 2017
Just when I thought I can take a sip of the calm clear water, it splashed all over me as soon as the tips of my fingers touches it
What makes sense though?
I’ve asked the sun this question and it answers me: “not you humans”
I asked the trees and the breeze and they answer me with the same answer: “not you humans”
I look at my reflection in the calm water again and it shows me that I’m unfortunately human
I went back to the clear, calm water once again and it shows me a black bird sitting on my left shoulder but when I came back the day after the bird wasn’t there and nor was my reflection
As much as I know that the black bird is free and can’t be mine, I know that the black bird needs me and I need the black bird as much
None of us knows why
Not even the water
148 · May 2020
Untitled
Huda May 2020
اراقب الفضاء الذي يحوم حولنا و أراه يتمدد ببطء
و اتمدد و اتمزق و أتوجع لكني انفسح و اتوسع..
يعتريني شعور ان ما احس به لا ارض له لا جاذبيه لكن شعور يتلذذ بأسفل البطن لا يمكن أن يخطأ
أنتظر الشمس بعد كل فجر لعل هنالك وعد مسموع
أتذكرك قبل المنام و تأخذني لأرض الشواطئ
"مفتاحك هو أن لا تتوقفين عن المضي."
لا معنى لتفاسير الواقع
لا صديق للوجه الضائع
لا ام للروح الضائعه
اذا حقا مضيت، لا معنى للذكريات
"تخلصي من كل هدية تألم، كل رسالة خط يدي بها يجرحك، لعنة الصور لا تمحى حتى تُحرق"
و تلمس أطراف قدماي الأرض و يتقشعر جسمي من دفئ الأرض و تبتسم شفتاي و أشم الياسمين و ارى جماله و اتذكر عيناك التي تبرق بزنابق الماء و احس بمفتاح بين كفاي و احتفظ بالرسائل، احتفظ بالذكريات، احتفظ بك بمكان لا يغرق، و أغلق الباب
لسخرية القدر و لصحتنا العقليه
لقد تركت المفتاح تحت نبتة بابك الخلفي..
فسأنتظر بعد كل شمس تنطفئ
142 · May 2020
Don't show your weaknesses
Huda May 2020
Tell them everything before they step in, every story that had a part of you gone, every story that keeps you going, and every ******* flaw.
Because if they know you're made out of wood and stones, they wouldn't dare to set a bonfire, or would they? Is this why my sister kept telling me not to show anyone my weaknesses? Tell me is this why? Is it why you set the bonfire?
What's the point of words then, they are definitely louder than actions, and oh yes, actions can be as untruthful as words.
And if they knew that you can't swim and the ocean triggers you, would they take you to an island? or an aquarium?
If they knew you only lived in the fantasy world, would they wake you up from a nightmare?
If they knew your words always, always fail you when you're upset, would they take all your words for granted?
I stand here with my crooked smile with one last denial card in my pocket, failing myself one last time.
"Don't show/tell them your weaknesses"
131 · May 2019
Untitled
Huda May 2019
بل النور واجب اخر النفق و يرحلون و ترحل بعض من عقلانيتي
يرحل خليل و لا ترحل ذكراه معه
و يرحل خليل ولا ترحل  وعوده معه

و انا يا صديقي تهمني زخارف تزين طبقي
فالجمال حولي يجمل يومي
و لا تأخذني ذكريات كانت بيننا
الا لنفق عاتم الظلمة
و يرد عليها عقلي
بل النور واجب باخر النفق
تعلقي يالنفق

الشمس توعدك بالشروق في كل غروب
و تعود بدفئها ووعودها الصادقة
تعلقي بالشمس
لا تتعلقي بباتسامة خليل
بل تعلقي برب العباد
114 · Nov 2023
Lost Hope
Huda Nov 2023
The hopeless romantic in me said her goodbyes
we're parting ways
we're sharing our last gaze
We lived it together
surrounded by heathens
and as light as a feather
as hard as logical reasons
We lived it together
They were feeling the pressure
While we're treasuring the treasure
She's being gentle by leaving me to a bittersweet reality
But a one that I could share with other
A one where there's place for others
A hopeful realist is born
She's taking her place
for space of normality
107 · Apr 2020
The Sun
Huda Apr 2020
I work for the moment where my mind as as clear as the rising sun.
I keep reminding myself that the sun burns to shine that bright, so it's okay to feel this in the process. The sun also knows when to rise and when to set, it's never wrong.. and my religion is telling me that if the sun doesn't rise like it always does, it is the end of the world and the beginning of the after life. Can I be as strong as the sun?
Yes, I can.
I am the Sun.
105 · Dec 2019
I've humbly lost the game
Huda Dec 2019
The hard, bitter realization of losing a love you've tried with all your power to save, you've lost it a long time ago but you've kept on trying.. over all the power that beholds you.. When you realize that was wrong of you because now all the memories you have left is the last bitter ones.. of the saving and losing and not the the sweetness of the beginning.. I can humbly say that I tried, beyond meaning.. I tried.
But now I have no choice but to give it all up.
It's time for the last goodbye.
For finally letting go.
unfortunately.. It's just..
The End.
Huda Feb 2020
My hopeful thinking takes me to a far away place and time in the future, where I'm sitting around my grandchildren in a cozy home that smells of lemon pies and freshly brewed coffee.. Telling them about the monstrous time I've lived in, the cruelty of its sociaty, the brutal family I grew up with and how hideously they'd think of it living in such a good place and growing in such good homes and how they'd appreciate the feeling of peace, safety and love.
But that's just my hopeful thinking, because the universe is telling me that I'm just a man who will live a long lonely life and probably die alone, the universe is telling me that my hopeful thinking is what I think will save me but it's what will end up killing me when I'm 85. The universe lost hope in me, but I refuse to lose it. I see hope. And I still hope. I'm full of it.
And my grandchildren will read this.
102 · Mar 2018
Untitled
Huda Mar 2018
Flipping through the pages ignorantly, walking out of everything before it walks out on me, before it rips me open.
I walk, I run but I seem to be doing it on circles
Collecting what's left of me to find a way out of the circle.
All the voices are repeating what is said in order
LEARN YOUR ******* LESSON
And I'll leave the circle?
People are people
it's endless
endless is a circle
102 · Mar 2020
Write
Huda Mar 2020
Sometimes I wonder why I tend to almost always **** the muse in my head that gets me writing.
I've facing the sun, I've been facing the moon, I've been facing myself, and I tend to almost always avoid fear.
Fear is one of the strongest emotions I feel, and when I feel it it's real.. And by that I realize that I don't want to write because I know want to know the truth behind all the fear I hold in.
So here goes nothing.
100 · Feb 2020
مرآتي
Huda Feb 2020
أعيش بزمان كنت أخافه، كنت ادعي الرب ان لا يأتي، أن لا أتذوق المر الذي تذوقته، أن لا
أُهزم أمام الحب، أن لا أضيع، أن لا أتوه، أن لا أتلعثم بكلمات، بحروف ليست حروفي
أقف أمام مرآتي و ارى وجهاً جديدا
وجها يرحب بآلام و يقبلها علما ان القادم أفضل
وجها يشرب المر كل صباح تهيئا
وجها هزم أمام خليلي لكن لا يخسر أمام حب النفس
وجها ضاع، تاه تلعثم تألم لكن تأقلم
وجها بشوش و صامت
الا بالمشاعر الصادقة
لا يسكت
100 · Mar 2018
Untitled
Huda Mar 2018
Falling under the pressure of sanity, I let go
Crawling back to myself, insanely comfortable
How to not drown? **** learning how to swim, avoid water
Don't get burned either burning hurts as much
I've been burnt underwater and let me tell you
It stays with you forever
It shows sometimes
sometimes it's you
100 · Feb 2018
You Taught Me Well
Huda Feb 2018
I’ve realized that I’m being more vague by the day which leads to being more misunderstood but for the first time, I don’t try not to be..
I can go silent for days, but only if I wanted to.
I cannot confess what’s real
I cannot not think of you in every step of this
I can shush my brain and let go for once
I can pretend you never existed
I sleep away reality
I am using your methods
And now I know how it is
I still don’t understand where you come from
I can let go of a lover but I can never let go of a friend, I’m sorry I wasn’t yours as you were mine, I’m sorry I thought of you differently
97 · Jan 2020
Untitled
Huda Jan 2020
Take a peek, is it good enough?
Do you know what you want?
Would you rather choose for it to be chosen for you?
Do you know what you want?
Do they know what you want?
Does anyone?
Do you?
88 · Mar 2020
Untitled
Huda Mar 2020
I wonder if I'm going to ever be in complete control of my emotions, I wonder if I want to have that as well.
It effects all aspects of my life, I water a flower and if it doesn't grow I get all sorts of emotion, every person I let into my life I cannot imagine ever losing them which is wrong but I feel it anyway, if the ocean is frustrated and the waves show it, I feel it too.. When it's calm I'm calm. I want to own things and this is the hardest part, starting with myself to everything I love deeply.. I have wronged myself letting my emotions take control. I cannot feel this heavy anymore, I'm too old for this but I also refuse to never feel again. What is the Grey area? I'll learn to accept it and love this color instead of black or white.
59 · Jul 2015
Sea Shells
Huda Jul 2015
She floats quietly while her thoughts and secrets drift to hide away each in a different shell depending on how big and small it is

Swimming out she hears whispers, warnings, silent lullabys coming out of the shells

She grabs one and it gives her an answer

She grabs another and it gives her a secret

She starts to collect the shells seeking the unknown, still searching for it

"Please be clear, I need an answer"

But what's your question? We only have answers to your questions, we only give secrets for secrets and by giving us away you shall have something in return, have a wild guess.
55 · Jun 2015
staying on the ground
Huda Jun 2015
Standing up requires too much effort
I grab a hard stick and it helps me up, all I keep thinking about is how this is temporary, because such a stick can't hold me up it'll eventually break, but it doesn't. It breaks me. It broke me. A ******* stick.
I light a couple of candles and turn the music so loud so I wouldn't hear my own thoughts, but it doesn't work. I need to stand up, I try but the weight is too heavy, I try again but something keeps pushing me down. This is not right, why don't I just stay here? it's not so bad, I feel comfortable here, I don't fear falling or failing anymore, and if I stop trying nothing can push me down anymore. I can burry the weight and make a comfortable sleeping place out of it.
I am happy here, here I shall stay.
54 · May 2022
Untitled
Huda May 2022
أستمع لأغنية تذكرني بماضي انتهى
بماضينا الذي انتهى
بقصتنا التي انتهت
بحب حاولنا انقاذه و انتهى
و لا تفاسير للشعور الذي يعتريني
كأنه لم ينتهي..
خسرت روحي روحك قبل ان يخسر جسدي جسدك
فما هذا الشعور الذي يعتريني حين أستمع لهذه الكلمات؟
و ليس من المفترض ان اكتب ما اكتبه
لأني موقنة اننا وجدنا انفسنا حين خسرنا بعضا
لكنه شعور لم ينتهي
ان قرئت ما كتبت
هذا ليس عني و عنك
ليس هناك انا و انت
هذا للشعور الغريب
المؤكد انه سينتهي
تمنيا ان يهجرني
54 · Aug 2015
Short Story As A Reminder
Huda Aug 2015
Few years ago back at school, I remember this girl crying so hard like she's the first I've ever seen crying I remember getting her a glass of water and not wanting her to talk about it at all, I did not want to know the reason she cried and I felt sorry for her that I almost cried. After a couple of hours a girl came to us and asked me if I knew what's wrong with the crying girl and if not she'd tell me, I told her that I didn't want to know but she insisted that it's actually funny and I'd like the story and didn't shut up she kept talking and talking until she said the reason of all that poor girl's tears, which is "A broken heart" I hated knowing that, I walked back to the girl and she was still crying. I was standing about fifteen feet away thanking God that I'm not that reckless, I promised myself to never fall in love to never feel what that girl was feeling, I hated the story and the girl with the broken heart thinking how childish everything is, I went back to my class and napped with my earphones on, I only did that when I used to get really upset. When I woke up the girl was perfectly fine and I was so stunned, was everything just happened a dream? no, no I can swear it wasn't and I feared to ask.
The girl now is getting married at 21
And I'm suffering of a broken heart
I am that girl at the age of 21
I'm everything I hated
And that's just the broken heart part
staying at the safe side damaged me more than actually taking the risk or the chance, I was happy though. I was really happy.
43 · Oct 2020
Untitled
Huda Oct 2020
المحبين التائهين بين الشك و اليقين

— The End —