I've been a *******
Filled with regrets
And little vignettes
So woe is me

I want to apologize to people that I can't find
For things not so safe to define

I've forgotten more people than I remember
But I haven't forgotten you
Despite all the **** I do
There's still pieces missing

I'm far too old to be young
And far too young to be sentimental
Fighting with my insecurities
And chemical deficiencies

I don't know quite what I want
And expect less, less, less
If you ever read this,
I'm sorry.

I was always a mess
But it shouldn't have spewed onto you
When you need friendship, companion
And I panic and abandon.

All I can really say is
******* it.

My little secret
I hold you in the arms of my mind
And beat myself senseless
For these thoughts

I am incapable of growth
I am the **** of the innocent
I am the death of love
Watch me shudder
Writhe
And contort myself
Into something resembling human

Where is the fire of hell
That I've been promised?
Take me far from here
On wings of ashen lead

Suicidal tendencies
Inside my brain
Will render me
Inert
A thousand times
Infinity
The threshold of
Your buggery
And tasteless fiends
We seldom see
Inside our ruptured
Appendixes
Find with peace
Our slaughtered glee
Laughter muted
Faces stuck in contorted
Glee
Like these ghosts
Now haunting me

We all are murderers
Don't lie to yourself

Each and every one of us
Has blood on their hands

There's nothing to be done
It is what it is

Learn to accept that you
Are bleeding the world dry

Try to implement changes
That limit our damages

But don't you look in the mirror
And tell yourself
You're ******* innocent

The divide of time separates us like the bridges that we burned to light our nights. The warmth gained from destruction, an illusionary phenomenon at best, failed to keep the cold from biting at our young hearts. Forgive me if I stutter when I speak of our shared history. It's just that I haven't forgotten tender kisses in a video store parking lot, discount department stores, or the first touch of your *****-clad *******. I wish I remembered how everything went bad, wish I picked you over the harpy I selected. We wouldn't have lasted, but I'm nostalgic for the times that could have been now that the end draws near and my mid-life crisis reaches its apex. Like the river that named you - you drain me dead, see?