Checked my messages
again
for the first time in a week
i dont think i could do that last year
i would be fomo asf

what happens
when the home you  have made in my heart
weighs me down and i shut you out

I sat next to the refrigerator
because after a while of feeling its cold breath
he'll hum me a song
mmmmmmmm
are you lonely like me?
your voice is raspy and dull
like a tree stripped from its bark
the bark left out in the storm
my desk
nothing left
i will listen to your song
even if i freeze i hope that you
appreciate it?

I am watching the television
she is here
she is right here.
I am watching *my reflection
she is not me because she does not look like me.
But she has to be for now
because I have no motivation to be scared or question anything
i've just accepted that she is not I and we live separate lives
maybe i say that so i don't have to blame myself for the things i do
probably,
idk how to finish this poem lol so

Less than half
47%
I can't confront you
I can't even exist without feeling the shaking cold deep dread flavoured like salt and ice and bittersweet cherries; getting run over by a car
I can't confront you
because when I do I feel a sour stinging in my ears the  urge to **** myself a bitter echo through my mind a "why did you speak"
I can't confront you
because if I did I would be lying to you lying to you and
I can't confront myself because I will just blame everything on undiagnosed ADHD and not my ******* self.
they say confrontation is needed for growth

well I hope so because I'm 5'7 and I don't need to grow anymore

because I'm fourteen and I don't need to age anymore

because I where size 10s and i don't need to run anymore

and i don't want to become anymore

can i please just sit and watch the world go by like a dog

I can not move
from this chair
from this mindset
from this grief
I keep making excuses
excuses
excuses and
i cannot simply do the work after I am caught because
i cannot physically
I wish that I could commit
to killing
my essence because I am only valued for
the work that I produce and therefore I am
the bare minimum
but that means I have to distance
from you
you
youyouyouyouyouyouyouyou
you said that
its a burden on the family
and I don't want
to  disappoint you any more.

seeping,
into uncleanliness
is better than cleaning halfway
                   it is uncomfortable until you settle
like greasy hair is just a silk blanket if you stop thinking about it
like how i cannot feel my clothes touching my skin anymore
ah great now i can ****