Your eyes push against the walls around me...
I hold still.....willing to let you in
But too scared to ask, I'm waiting
Always waiting
Amethyst and moldavite.
I need to run to save my walls
But I can't leave the floor.
Your eyes pin me there.
I want and I beg and I scream
Yet you retain control.
I'm looking for a reason to sink
But you made me want to fly.
Just promise if you put me in the air,
You won't let me hit the ground.
Don't help me heal if I'll just be ruined again.

There's a wall...
It's getting bigger everyday.
I can't tell if I'm pulling,
Or you're pushing,
Or maybe a little of both.
I just feel it....
My chest keeps getting tighter,
I know what's coming.
But don't worry,
I'm preparing.
It'll be over in a flash,
And I won't remember a thing.
Won't hurt.
Won't sting.
Won't even burn..
It'll just stop.
And so will I....

Burnt and bitter
I remember you
slow and easy
Where else could I go
but you failed me
I still feel the void
I'm crashing
why didn't you save me
I bear your marks
that little pinch
why is he still here
boy you promise to replace
the emptiness, the agonizing void
I'm gone
but he followed me

Last night I told you I was torn
I told you I was confused
That what happens happens and I'd survive

Last night you told me that was okay
You told me it'd work itself out
That you were good at making people think things were their idea

Last night I let myself be happy
I let myself believe
Last night you cracked a wall I've always had and now I'm breaking

Remember when I first met you?
Fast forward three years, sitting on your living room couch.
I asked if you would remember me fifty years from then.
You said you may not remember my name or even my face,
But you could never forget what I meant to you.
Did you mean those words?
Or were they just another experiment?
Was I your friend or your first case study?
Do you remember talking me out of suicide?
Or picking me up out of that ditch?
There were so many times I wished you’d have left me.
I wanted so many times to be dead,
But you were always there.
My very own guardian angel I wanted to go away.
I wish I would have said so many things to you.
So many things I hid from you.
I’m sure you knew I kept my secrets,
But then again so did you.
I know you heard the stories
Of the nights I told you I was home in bed.
You had to of known I was sneaking out to numb the pain.
You were not blind to the marks of the needles
Or the bruises he left after I returned home.
But you let me go time and again.
Did you know I wasn’t ready?
That I couldn’t accept any help?
The help you so desperately wanted to give?
Could you see that I was ready to bolt,
That at the first sign of trouble, I’d be gone?
You said I always had an escape route.
That you didn’t know if I even wanted to be happy.
So why did you bother with me?
Why did you try to help the blonde party girl
With the abusive boyfriend and drug problem?
Was it really because you cared?
Or was I practice for your dream job?
I’m not sure why I’m bothering to ask now.
We never talk and we’re states apart.
I guess I’m curious if those fifty years will even matter.
Do you remember how I made you feel only five years later?
Or am I just another number on a manila folder?
Case studies to analyze, fix, and abandon?
Or was I important to you?
Because I can no longer tell….

Why do I even miss you?
We barely talked anymore...
I hid things from you,
Just as you did from me.
We played a game,
Let's pretend nothing hurts.
So that's how I left it, pretending,
Until you were far enough away to cry.
So it's too late to hug you,
Too late to punch you.
So I'll cry.

I keep seeing you in my dreams
Awake and asleep..
I hear you call to me.

These feelings are untested and new
What do I do?
I know I need you.

I want to run as far as I can
But I still stand..
Why? I know better than to trust a man..

But you're special to me
With you I can finally breathe
I'm no longer missing a piece..

Once upon a time..
That's how fairy tales start...
I don't believe in fairy tales.
I don't believe in much.
But I believed in this...
In all of us..
I never should have.
I feared myself and now look..
I'm exaxtly what I never wanted.
Exactly what she doesn't want.
Fairy tales taught us lessons,
Showed us what to avoid.  
What to run from.
We'll see where this takes me,
But it's another fairy tale.
I don't believe in fairy tales.

Everything is fine.
Everything is always fine.
I can ignore this sinking feeling
Until I don't care.
I want too many things..
Things not mine to have.
I'm sad and I'm alone with these thoughts,
Who can I honestly tell?
Too many people to hurt.
So I cry in my dreams,
With only scratches left to show any emotion.
Everything will stay fine.

I can't do what you ask.
I love you,
But I can't.
You need distance,
To heal all that is broken.
I can't talk, let you know what I think,
How I feel.
I can't be in your head.
I can't worry and wait.
I wish I could.
I'm so sorry I  can't.
I told you it was easy to never be happy.
I can't miss what I don't know.
But I was wrong.
I can search for that happiness.
I know it exists.
I can survive on that.
I can live again.
I can make it there.
I'm numb.
I'm ashamed.
But I can't survive until I **** the hole.
Don't be angry.
Don't think you failed.
I'm not going back to pills and *****.
Just two days.
So I can breathe again.
I'm sorry I failed you in the end.
I wish so much I could.
To be near you.
A blessing and a curse.
But I can't.
I love you.
So please don't be disappointed in me.
Understand that I'm incapable of distant but friends.
It is a war every moment to talk, to explain.
I read patterns of people based on conversation.
I see risk with every word.
So I can't.
I love you.
Two days and I can survive.
But I'll live again.
I'll get ahold of you then.
Numb.
Clean break.
I'll make it.

Is it possible to cry for a ghost?
Not an actual spirit left behind,
But for the shell that walks pass day after day.
They look the same but those who knew then before can tell.
They are no longer there.
They have died within themselves.
The person once known is gone.
Is it normal to mourn the loss that happened but didn't?
Is goodbye still goodbye if they're still here?
Tell me.... Because I can't tell...

The metallic taste returns again.
It's here for hours this time.
Nothing can dull the flavor,
Or even weaken it.
It rolls over the tongue,
Thick and pungent.
The smell alone chokes,
Making breathing difficult.
The texture is that of unfiltered syrup,
Overwhelming as it coats all it touches.
The relief, however, is undeniable.
The tension leaves every limb.
The haunted look leaves the eyes.
Color returns to the skin,
Strength returns to the muscles.
I am human again....

It's 2 a.m. again.
Most is silent.
An occasional shout
Or a car revving in the distance.
Not much to hear.
The rain falls slowly, gently.
It shows a mercy
To the ground below it.

It's 2 a.m. again.
Sleep won't come.
The mind a race,
Swirling and twisting.
Past and present and future.
Colliding, consuming
Until there's nothing.
Nothing at all.

It's 2 a.m. again.
The whispers start.
The songs of hope and despair,
Calling for a rebellion.
Resistance is slim.
The offered promise,
Temptation at its finest.
Refusal is impossible

It's 2 a.m. again.
All is quiet.
The thirst quinched,
With unholy liquids.
Everything slows to a crawl.
Falling deeper into the dark,
Heavier and heavier.
Silence.

I miss you Hales.
Especially on nights like this.
The cold summer rains...
We used to cuddle and say we should put more clothes on.
Funny, we never actually did.
We just grabbed more blankets, then snuggled closer.
It's hard Hales.
Learning to live again, it's hard without you.
I stopped trying after you.
I stopped caring.
I hope you know I'm sorry for all the awful drunken words.
I was so scared to go on without you, I was so angry that you left.
All I could do was drink more and hope that poison killed the one inside me.
But on nights like these, I miss you next to me Hales.
It's hard to sleep and it's just getting harder.
Life is changing babe and it's pulling me with it.
Just know, I still miss you.
I love you Hales, even after death.
I was so ready to meet you in summerland.
But I think it'll be a little longer than I thought babe.
I'm happy again Hales.
I just wish you were here next to me, just to hear your voice.
I already know your secrets, but I have new ones to tell.
I wonder if our locks are still there.
I lost my key..
I couldn't wear it anymore, I...I just couldn't, Hales.
I'm sorry.
I miss you babe.
Goodnight Hales.
Pretty bird.

You said that you had forgotten.
So I laughed and said me too,
But I hadn’t.
I still remember every inside joke.
I remember every time you made me smile, laugh.
You were my brother, my best friend.
Now I’m in the background.
Just a person from the past,
From a time you no longer want to remember.
So you forgot,
Or at least you say you did.
So I play along,
Like it doesn’t hurt,
I’ll wait until I’m alone,
Then I’ll cry, screaming, and asking
Did I ever really matter?
I can’t ask you without crying,
So when they ask me if I remember,
I’ll laugh and say no,
But I’ll watch your face to see if it hurts.
Then I’ll know.
If you ever really cared.
Until then, I will become numb,
Like you.

Remember me?
No, I didn't think so...
We used to mean a great deal to one and other.
Times change, as do people.
You ask about me..I, about you.
Never coming or going at the same time.
I treasure my memories...
I hold my childhood friend dear,
But my childhood is over..
We've grown up now.
I grieve the loss of a boy I once knew.
He grew into a Man.

I'm covered in scars and stories,
Some good some bad all mine.
I don't know where I'm headed
But I know what I leave behind.
I'm sorry for the pain.
I'm sorry for the angery screams.
I'm not sorry I left.
I need to know what life means.

Lightning and water,
That's what we are.
So attracted to each other,
But together we ****.
Our dreams, our future,
We **** the hour we once had.
A little bit of ******
With every kiss.
With every shared night,
Genocide erupts.
Is it fair for us to be happy
While it kills everyone
And everything we touch?

You have become faded music,
Lost at the end of a memory.
You are an echo of joy,
Yet you bring a storm of grief on my heart.
You were my brother, my friend.
You gave me peace,
And even saved my life once upon a time.
But no longer.
We are shattered,
Destroyed beyond repair.
I no longer have time for regrets.
Like you, I am moving on.
I am creating a melody all my own,
Unstained by your hand.
The choices you made have caused pain.
They have desecrated my heart,
But I will heal and breathe again.
I will cleanse you from my mind.
I will erase you from my memory.
But every now and then,
I'll think back and hear it,
The faded music that reminds me,
Of you.

The pain builds slow but sudden,
The ache slow and steady.
The escalation, fast and burning,
I scream, begging,
Not for mercy..
Not for it to ever stop....
Just begging for those words,
Please Master...
I'm begging Sir...
Please!
Master?
I hear him breathe in....
Slowly, controlled...
Yes Kitten.
I explode...
Screaming in primal pleasure..
Thank you Master...
You're welcome baby girl.
Then it begins again..
The want...
It never leaves,
Never lessens.
Thank you Master.

I have so much hope...
Silly me.
I have hope for world I've never seen..
One that works..
Makes sense..
Doesn't hurt me..
Doesn't **** my soul..
I belong to you.
I love them..
Give me an answer.
Show me guidance.
Please Sir..

What a pretty face.
She smiles and said thanks.
But did anyone notice,
When she dipped her head,
Used her hair to hide her eyes.

What a pretty face.
She laughs and smiles.
But did anyone hear,
The way her laughed trailed off,
Empty and hallow.

What a pretty face.
She hears it all the time.
But it doesn't mean a thing,
She fell apart alone,
She's dead inside.

What a pretty face.
She uses it to get numb.
Anyway, anyhow,
She's didn't care.
Just let her be numb.

What a pretty soul.
She listens more carefully.
This is new, very new.
It can't be real.
She has a pretty face.

What a pretty heart.
He keeps coming back.
He's real. Why?
Won't he just leave already?
Breathing, she's starting to hurt.

What a pretty mind.
She knows it's going to hurt.
She falls down anyway.
Now she's lost in his arms.
There's no escape.

What a pretty vibe.
She's reckless and crazy.
She's scared it'll last,
And terrified it won't.
What a pretty face.

Each day a new plan to make it my last,
But I keep waking up.
Every sun rise finds me withering in despair.
Why isn't it over?
When will this torment end?
I do not belong here,
On this earth,
In this time period.
A mistake was made.
Let my soul return,
To be recycled,
To a better time,
In a better place.
A time where I can be myself without judgement,
A place where I can learn to thrive.
It is not suicide I dream of ,
But a rebirth.

I'm tired.
Tired of the pain.
Pain I just can't control.
Control is slipping from my grasp.
Heading for air, for love.
Love abandoning me.

I want to run to the mountains
I want to feel wild and free
The walls and ceilings around me
They're a cage I can't escape..
I'm not supposed to want to escape..
But I want to run
To the creek and trees and stones
To the animals and land
I miss the empty mornings
Calm waters and quiet musings
Sun made tea and small snacks
No voices no questions
No answers
The mountains are calling
Tempting me
I want to run

You once asked me if a monster could be loved.
I said it depended on the monster.
I knew what you were really asking though.
You wanted to know if you could be happy without always looking over your shoulder.
But I didn't have the answer.
I didn't believe you were a monster.
But you always did have to be right, didn't you?
You had to prove me wrong when I said you were a good person.
So you destroyed our friendship.
No chance of reconciliation.
You become the monster you didn't want to be.
I don't know why.
I know that I don't want to help you anymore,
But you already know that.
You made sure of it.

A secret a day I keep.
One from you,
One from myself.
One from her,
One from him.
My life is a city surrounded by a wall,
A wall made a secrets.

No words to express
Expelled at the air
The fire brightens
It crackles and sparks
Embers fly
Burning flesh
Shivers reach across
Unknown territory
Dangerous waters
The emptiness filled
It can't be contained
Just controlled
Breathing stops
Heart speeds up
Silence

Barely a whisper of breath left
When you're done with me
Aching and whimpering
Sir please...

Your marks adorn my skin
The color fire hot red
With touches of plum and gold
Thank you Sir

Your taste lingers in my throat
Warm thick and salty
I crave it more and more
Pretty please Sir

I just want to sleep.
A long nap through the pain.
I just want it to stop.
The tears and the anger,
They're overwhelming.
I can't do it.
I need to sleep.

What do I say when the whole world is floating away from me?
How do I tell you I'm dying a piece at a time?
Everything hurts and casts shadows across my heart,
But I keep a smile on my face.
I can't find a way to tell you I cry myself to sleep
And wake up exhausted from the nightmares.
So I smile.

I still feel you.
I just wish I could see you,
Hear your voice.
God I'd love to hear your laugh.
It used to make me think of heaven.
Remember the long lazy afternoons,
We'd spend hours in that hammock.
We could see and smell the water.
The breeze was just right.
Just enough shade with the sun.
We had everything planned,
Sharing a dorm room in college.
I didn't make it there.
I couldn't go without you.
So I'll finish this bottle,
And swallow a handful more of the pills,
And maybe,
Just maybe,
I'll see you in my dreams.

I learned to love throughout the summer
But it's cold now
I can't breathe
I can't remember
It just hurts
I can't get air
My lungs burn
Let me crash
Pretty please
I just want to close my eyes
Peaceful in death
Chaos in life
It's not a hard choice
Bleeding doesn't help anymore
It just reminds me of the scars summer left
My razor doesn't work
I just want to float
To the Summerland

I can hear her calling me
Home to our trees
They sing in native tongue
I hear their voices
The moon betrays me to my other half
Calling my true nature forth
I miss my home
Where i began
I miss my other nature
My mirrored half
I know i ran
But the real trees call me home
I can feel their grasp
Their traces on my soul, my heart
My circle calls to me
In borrowed time
I miss my real trees

Run...That's all I can feel. Flee...That's all I can hear, but it's too late.  I didn't watch my step. I fell. Now I'm stuck. And there's no one to help me up. Why did I do this?
I learned long ago not to. Not to feel. Not to open up. Not to let down my walls. Stupid. Stupid me. How could I? I knew better. But I fell anyway. And now I can't stop. I'm twisting into a hole I can't get out of. It's burying me alive. Each breath harder to breathe. Until it just stops.

I'm kicking and screaming, begging, please notice.
See that there's something wrong! I can't breathe.
My throat is closing.  I'm dying!!!
Do you not see? Why can't you see?
Everything's ready. My light grows dimmer.
Feeling is leaving me, I'm growing numb.
Cold and broken, The air is so harsh.
Why don't you understand? I can't keep going.
I'm drowning in my tears, The silent sobs you can't hear.
I can hear the whispers of those long gone,
Asking me to come home through the veil.
How can I deny them? I scream at you.
But you're not listening. You can't see the questions in my eyes.

I am drowning.
I am slowly relaxing my muscles,
Letting the current pull me to my death.
I can no longer reason myself to struggle.
I am tired.
I am seeking death's door.
I need a new start.

Over and over I want to beg.
I want to scream out.
Touch me...
Use me please.
Let me submit to you.
I crave your ownership.
So dance with me, my lover,
Lead me around and around.
I'll follow you anywhere.
To the edge of the world,
Just one step behind you.
I'm floating in an ocean
Of want and desire.
I'm desperate for your touch...
The burning need..
I can't escape it.
But I don't want to.
No need to run now.
I just want more....
Please more Sir.

I don't want to forget
But I just can't remember
I could feel it, us sinking
Losing track of what made us
I lost myself in you
In your energy, your smile, the light you gave me
The hope, Haley, I found it again
That hope I ran from,
It's back and I'm scared
I'm scared to ask Hales
I asked you
Remember?
We were on the hammock all night.
Back and forth we went in time with the breeze.
One way, then another, fighting then kissing and crying.
You hated it.
You didn't want to answer but you did.
You answered and we fell asleep.
He smells like cedar Haley.
Mammaw always loved cedar.
She burned it after, you know.
I lost myself after
I'm sorry I didn't go to your funeral
In a way though, I've never left
I mourn everyday for you
And he heals the hole you left me with
Not covers, not fills
Heals.
I love him Hales.
You'd laugh and say handle bar mustaches were pelicans in their former life.
You signed my year book that.
I still have it.
It's blurred from the years I cried over that yearbook.
Our year.
You left before the next one was over.
Haley I love him, everything about him
He reminds me of that line we once heard. "His kiss bends me like a palm to the hurricane.
I crash against him.
Pushed to his feet, I beg."
It really is what we pictured.
He makes me laugh Hales.
So wild, but so cynical.
You used to tell people that about me
When I'd point out the problems in a joke
In a movie, cartoon
You used to say so wild but so cynical.
You were perfect Hales.
He's perfect babe.
I feel like a girl again.
I've been a woman taught how please for so long.
He makes me feel innocent. Happy.
He makes the missing pieces not hurt.
I miss you though.
I love you Haley.
I hope you're happy and peaceful wherever you are.
I hope you can see my smile Hales.
I hope it's almost as bright as yours.

Empty, hollow.
One aches, one hurts.
Similar but not the same.
Emptiness means it's expected to be filled.
Hollow just implies a hole.
A brokenness that can't,
Or won't,
Be filled.
I'm lost.
I'm broken.
I'm hollow.

It burns when you message. It makes me cry when you call. I can't think. It feels like I'm in a hole. Again. Seven years later. You still message. You still call. I just stopped answering. You still twist my emotions. You still hurt with every word. I'm not yours anymore. But it still hurts....

I put the walls there for a reason,
But you waltzed through with no concern For the trap doors and trick questions, Meant to discourage.
Now they're fading, fast.
I'm getting nervous.
What if I'm not what you thought
Under all the layers,
You painstakingly flogged away.
What if I wasn't what you expected?
What you hoped for?
I'm nervous Sir.
I'm getting self conscious.
What if your next question,
Is the one that makes you run?
Tell me Sir?
Then what?
I'm alone.
Open.
Dead.

I have not gone so long without talking to you in two years.
But this was it,
The straw that broke the camel's back.
Our friendship is shattered,
Gone like the one of a kind vause,
Made by the recently deceased artist.
No remakes or copies to replace what was lost.
Who you are becoming has pushed me away.
The decisions, the choices make me wince,
Make me shed tears of loss and betrayal and frustration.
I cannot comprehend who you are.
I do not recognize the person in front of me.
Your eyes are shallow.
They are colder than ever, darker than before.
You are not the person I cared for, the person who cared for me.
We are strangers who know the secrets of each other.
I pass you and try not to think of Dr. Pepper and cherry *****.
To forget chicken pizza and the jokes we made.
Life is moving and tilting and shifting,
Slowly pushing us further apart.
We could stop it,
If we truly wanted to.
But we are resigned to what fate has deemed necessary.
I cannot accept that you are so callous.
I cannot understand how you became so unfeeling and heartless.
So I do not text.
I do not call.
Instead, I sit in the silence between us,
And it widens this chasm into a canyon.

Hales it was too good to be true
I don't want to wait anymore
I'm tired of going through the motions
Trying to find a way to breathe
The air is cold and harsh
I just want to be in your arms again
I want to come to you
Leave this world behind
Hales will you hate me
If I give up
Don't judge me for wanting to slip into the darkness
I know I'll find you there
I can't stand the light
I miss you Hales
I just want to be with you again....

What do I say?
When the feelings aren't right and aren't allowed.
But it's okay.
Everything is fine.
It can't hurt.
I can't let it.
I understand.
So why does it feel like this?
Why does it hurt?
It can't.
I can't.

Pretty bird...
We said it every night.
It was supposed to work.
Keep you close.
Just another folk tale.
You used to laugh at me,
Tell me folk tales was magic lost and forgotten.
I laughed...said you needed a reality check,
That life had a way of cracking rose colored glasses.
Wish I'd been wrong Hales.
Remember the folk tale about the ocean and the stars?
I hope that one's true.
I got a minute to find out now....
Another month..
It's getting real babe.
The tremors are worse.
I won't be able to hide much longer.
You're not here Hales.
You were supposed to be.
Another folk tale I guess?
Just like pretty bird.

It's dark again.
It's hard to breathe.
I am okay.
I am fine.
Because I have to be.
I'll learn to see.
Even in this darkness.

Hales the hole is twice wide.
I'm struggling to breathe.
All I want is to be held,
But there's no one to hold me.
Why'd you leave me?
I told you I'd never learn to live without you.
Should've listened to myself.
It was safe babe.
He still feels safe.
But I can't be what he needs.
I can't seem to get pass the feeling.
But I know ******* those huh babe?
I'll find my balance Hales.
I just wish you were here to guide me,
To hold me through the pain.
I miss you Hales.

I am pulled in a million directions,
With no knowledge of how to control this storm.
This storm has been building,
In side of me.
The heartlessness of your actions,
Show your true colors.
Your selfish heart shines through.
How do I tell you?
You make me alone.
You take my compassion and destroy me with it.
So I must leave.
Our friendship is done.
I am tired.
Thanks for the memories.

Numb and alone.
Again.
I can't explain it.
It's new too.
I'm so hallow.
So gone.
Nothing has hurt so bad.