Numb and alone.
Again.
I can't explain it.
It's new too.
I'm so hallow.
So gone.
Nothing has hurt so bad.

I don't want to forget
But I just can't remember
I could feel it, us sinking
Losing track of what made us
I lost myself in you
In your energy, your smile, the light you gave me
The hope, Haley, I found it again
That hope I ran from,
It's back and I'm scared
I'm scared to ask Hales
I asked you
Remember?
We were on the hammock all night.
Back and forth we went in time with the breeze.
One way, then another, fighting then kissing and crying.
You hated it.
You didn't want to answer but you did.
You answered and we fell asleep.
He smells like cedar Haley.
Mammaw always loved cedar.
She burned it after, you know.
I lost myself after
I'm sorry I didn't go to your funeral
In a way though, I've never left
I mourn everyday for you
And he heals the hole you left me with
Not covers, not fills
Heals.
I love him Hales.
You'd laugh and say handle bar mustaches were pelicans in their former life.
You signed my year book that.
I still have it.
It's blurred from the years I cried over that yearbook.
Our year.
You left before the next one was over.
Haley I love him, everything about him
He reminds me of that line we once heard. "His kiss bends me like a palm to the hurricane.
I crash against him.
Pushed to his feet, I beg."
It really is what we pictured.
He makes me laugh Hales.
So wild, but so cynical.
You used to tell people that about me
When I'd point out the problems in a joke
In a movie, cartoon
You used to say so wild but so cynical.
You were perfect Hales.
He's perfect babe.
I feel like a girl again.
I've been a woman taught how please for so long.
He makes me feel innocent. Happy.
He makes the missing pieces not hurt.
I miss you though.
I love you Haley.
I hope you're happy and peaceful wherever you are.
I hope you can see my smile Hales.
I hope it's almost as bright as yours.

I have not gone so long without talking to you in two years.
But this was it,
The straw that broke the camel's back.
Our friendship is shattered,
Gone like the one of a kind vause,
Made by the recently deceased artist.
No remakes or copies to replace what was lost.
Who you are becoming has pushed me away.
The decisions, the choices make me wince,
Make me shed tears of loss and betrayal and frustration.
I cannot comprehend who you are.
I do not recognize the person in front of me.
Your eyes are shallow.
They are colder than ever, darker than before.
You are not the person I cared for, the person who cared for me.
We are strangers who know the secrets of each other.
I pass you and try not to think of Dr. Pepper and cherry *****.
To forget chicken pizza and the jokes we made.
Life is moving and tilting and shifting,
Slowly pushing us further apart.
We could stop it,
If we truly wanted to.
But we are resigned to what fate has deemed necessary.
I cannot accept that you are so callous.
I cannot understand how you became so unfeeling and heartless.
So I do not text.
I do not call.
Instead, I sit in the silence between us,
And it widens this chasm into a canyon.

Hales it was too good to be true
I don't want to wait anymore
I'm tired of going through the motions
Trying to find a way to breathe
The air is cold and harsh
I just want to be in your arms again
I want to come to you
Leave this world behind
Hales will you hate me
If I give up
Don't judge me for wanting to slip into the darkness
I know I'll find you there
I can't stand the light
I miss you Hales
I just want to be with you again....

My wings are broken.
I can't fly anymore.
The passion that grew my feathers
Is the poison that is killing me.
Loving and hoping...
But killing me nonetheless.
Too far to turn back.
Close enough to see the end.
I want to fly again.

I am drowning.
I am slowly relaxing my muscles,
Letting the current pull me to my death.
I can no longer reason myself to struggle.
I am tired.
I am seeking death's door.
I need a new start.

Over and over I want to beg.
I want to scream out.
Touch me...
Use me please.
Let me submit to you.
I crave your ownership.
So dance with me, my lover,
Lead me around and around.
I'll follow you anywhere.
To the edge of the world,
Just one step behind you.
I'm floating in an ocean
Of want and desire.
I'm desperate for your touch...
The burning need..
I can't escape it.
But I don't want to.
No need to run now.
I just want more....
Please more Sir.

It burns when you message. It makes me cry when you call. I can't think. It feels like I'm in a hole. Again. Seven years later. You still message. You still call. I just stopped answering. You still twist my emotions. You still hurt with every word. I'm not yours anymore. But it still hurts....

Windows
Open, closed.
Covered in ruffles, or bare.
Looking out,
You can see so much.
Fantasy, reality.
Peace, sorrow.
Stress, love.
Fear, safety.
Looking in...
That's different...
You saw what's gone.
What's missing.
What you left behind,
And what you had taken.
What you lost...
They offer a option.
To try to recover,
To be whole again.
Or run.
Call it ruined,
And give up.
I hate windows.

I steady my hand
As I pull my skin tight
Rig ready, I push in
Everything's all right
I can breathe slow and easy
The world slows to simple pace
The numbness returns
Summoning a blank face
I pull on my hoodie
And pull down my sleeve
Put away my tools
I ready to leave
I return to those around me
I pretend nothing is wrong
They pretend to believe
I tell myself this makes sense
I'm okay really
But in a few more hours
I need another bathroom break
I take out my tools
Ready my rig, pull up my sleeve
Steady my hand,
The pain leaves.

What can I say?
I am floating in a cove of pain,
Of forgotten memories and lost quotes,
The silent sobbing no one hears.
Alone in my bed, I am silent.
No one hears the way I weep,
For me, for all of them.
I can no longer remember,
The way laughter truly feels.
I miss laughing until I cried.
Now I just start crying and keep crying.
My face can hold a smile for hours,
Just waiting until its safe to remove it.

What do I do?
I am drifting away from everything, everyone.
I am shutting off my heart,
Closing down my head.
Letting myself fall into the void,
That is easier than feeling.

What could I do?
The numbness keeps me alive.
The feelings would **** me.
Loss,
Misery,
Loneliness,
Suffering,
Regret,
Chaos,
Destructi­on,
That is all I have.
The numbness takes it away.
Silents the swirl of anxiety.

What do I say?
When asked why I never called,
Never texted,
Never replied.
My mind is complacent.
My phone unimportant,
My life irrelevant.
My soul withered.

I'm tired.
I can't sleep.
The room echoes.
Screaming your absence.
It shrieks at me.
My eyes are heavy.
But I cannot sleep.
I think of everything at once.
I think of you in here.
Then you're gone.
So close, but so far.
Within arms reach.
Just like you said.
I need another drink.
And hit of smoke.
Then I can sleep.