I don't want to forget
But I just can't remember
I could feel it, us sinking
Losing track of what made us
I lost myself in you
In your energy, your smile, the light you gave me
The hope, Haley, I found it again
That hope I ran from,
It's back and I'm scared
I'm scared to ask Hales
I asked you
Remember?
We were on the hammock all night.
Back and forth we went in time with the breeze.
One way, then another, fighting then kissing and crying.
You hated it.
You didn't want to answer but you did.
You answered and we fell asleep.
He smells like cedar Haley.
Mammaw always loved cedar.
She burned it after, you know.
I lost myself after
I'm sorry I didn't go to your funeral
In a way though, I've never left
I mourn everyday for you
And he heals the hole you left me with
Not covers, not fills
Heals.
I love him Hales.
You'd laugh and say handle bar mustaches were pelicans in their former life.
You signed my year book that.
I still have it.
It's blurred from the years I cried over that yearbook.
Our year.
You left before the next one was over.
Haley I love him, everything about him
He reminds me of that line we once heard. "His kiss bends me like a palm to the hurricane.
I crash against him.
Pushed to his feet, I beg."
It really is what we pictured.
He makes me laugh Hales.
So wild, but so cynical.
You used to tell people that about me
When I'd point out the problems in a joke
In a movie, cartoon
You used to say so wild but so cynical.
You were perfect Hales.
He's perfect babe.
I feel like a girl again.
I've been a woman taught how please for so long.
He makes me feel innocent. Happy.
He makes the missing pieces not hurt.
I miss you though.
I love you Haley.
I hope you're happy and peaceful wherever you are.
I hope you can see my smile Hales.
I hope it's almost as bright as yours.

My wings are broken.
I can't fly anymore.
The passion that grew my feathers
Is the poison that is killing me.
Loving and hoping...
But killing me nonetheless.
Too far to turn back.
Close enough to see the end.
I want to fly again.

Halfway through my binge.
I'm breathing steady.
One more day and I can remember how.
It'll be habit.
I'll get through this.
My eyelids are so heavy.
I've mixed so much together.
I won't dream tonight.
That'll help
Dreams are for the whole, the innocent.
Those capable.
With potential.
One more day.
To fill the hole.

What do I say?
When the feelings aren't right and aren't allowed.
But it's okay.
Everything is fine.
It can't hurt.
I can't let it.
I understand.
So why does it feel like this?
Why does it hurt?
It can't.
I can't.

Numb and alone.
Again.
I can't explain it.
It's new too.
I'm so hallow.
So gone.
Nothing has hurt so bad.

I am pulled in a million directions,
With no knowledge of how to control this storm.
This storm has been building,
In side of me.
The heartlessness of your actions,
Show your true colors.
Your selfish heart shines through.
How do I tell you?
You make me alone.
You take my compassion and destroy me with it.
So I must leave.
Our friendship is done.
I am tired.
Thanks for the memories.

Over and over I want to beg.
I want to scream out.
Touch me...
Use me please.
Let me submit to you.
I crave your ownership.
So dance with me, my lover,
Lead me around and around.
I'll follow you anywhere.
To the edge of the world,
Just one step behind you.
I'm floating in an ocean
Of want and desire.
I'm desperate for your touch...
The burning need..
I can't escape it.
But I don't want to.
No need to run now.
I just want more....
Please more Sir.

I'm kicking and screaming, begging, please notice.
See that there's something wrong! I can't breathe.
My throat is closing.  I'm dying!!!
Do you not see? Why can't you see?
Everything's ready. My light grows dimmer.
Feeling is leaving me, I'm growing numb.
Cold and broken, The air is so harsh.
Why don't you understand? I can't keep going.
I'm drowning in my tears, The silent sobs you can't hear.
I can hear the whispers of those long gone,
Asking me to come home through the veil.
How can I deny them? I scream at you.
But you're not listening. You can't see the questions in my eyes.

I am drowning.
I am slowly relaxing my muscles,
Letting the current pull me to my death.
I can no longer reason myself to struggle.
I am tired.
I am seeking death's door.
I need a new start.

I steady my hand
As I pull my skin tight
Rig ready, I push in
Everything's all right
I can breathe slow and easy
The world slows to simple pace
The numbness returns
Summoning a blank face
I pull on my hoodie
And pull down my sleeve
Put away my tools
I ready to leave
I return to those around me
I pretend nothing is wrong
They pretend to believe
I tell myself this makes sense
I'm okay really
But in a few more hours
I need another bathroom break
I take out my tools
Ready my rig, pull up my sleeve
Steady my hand,
The pain leaves.

What can I say?
I am floating in a cove of pain,
Of forgotten memories and lost quotes,
The silent sobbing no one hears.
Alone in my bed, I am silent.
No one hears the way I weep,
For me, for all of them.
I can no longer remember,
The way laughter truly feels.
I miss laughing until I cried.
Now I just start crying and keep crying.
My face can hold a smile for hours,
Just waiting until its safe to remove it.

What do I do?
I am drifting away from everything, everyone.
I am shutting off my heart,
Closing down my head.
Letting myself fall into the void,
That is easier than feeling.

What could I do?
The numbness keeps me alive.
The feelings would **** me.
Loss,
Misery,
Loneliness,
Suffering,
Regret,
Chaos,
Destructi­on,
That is all I have.
The numbness takes it away.
Silents the swirl of anxiety.

What do I say?
When asked why I never called,
Never texted,
Never replied.
My mind is complacent.
My phone unimportant,
My life irrelevant.
My soul withered.

I'm tired.
I can't sleep.
The room echoes.
Screaming your absence.
It shrieks at me.
My eyes are heavy.
But I cannot sleep.
I think of everything at once.
I think of you in here.
Then you're gone.
So close, but so far.
Within arms reach.
Just like you said.
I need another drink.
And hit of smoke.
Then I can sleep.