I think I might die soon.

I hope everyone else remembers me as a kind person.

I hope they all end up happy in the end.

I hope you know what went wrong,

You might think that maybe you could of listened to me more. Believed me more. Talked to me more. Tried to be kinder to me.

But you won't be able to change that.

The deed will be done.

Just know, that through it all, I was called strong.

I never thought I was, but now... I can kind of see it. A little bit.

So.

I guess this is goodbye...












Goodbye.

I hate them.
I really do.
But sometimes
I need them.
Because feeling something
Is better than
Being numb
And unaware.
Or is it?

Empty and cold.
Empty and silent.
Empty and weak.
Empty and hollow.
Empty and dying.
Empty and dead.

No.
You are not forgiven.
You can never be forgiven.
I act fine.
I pretend to forget.
But I will always remember.
Remember what you did to me.
And I've heard it before.
"Getting over it will make you feel better."
"Forgiveness is good for the soul."
"How can you fight all the time? I'd get tired and stop."
Maybe those things are true.
Maybe I should.
But I'm the one who carries this pain.
I'm sorry.
I'm not forgiving and forgetting.
You won't change my mind about it.
So why don't you quit repeating the same thing over and over to me time and time again.
When we both know, all that comes out of your mouth, is lies.

I drove off
Looking at the lights
Flashing at me in the dark
I took in the scenery
I took deep breaths
I thought
I cried
I didn't call anyone
I just looked
I looked for something
Something to slam my thoughts into
So that maybe they would stop
But instead I pulled over
I felt numb
I wrote this
And you might never know how lucky you are
That I wasn't brave enough to make it stop
Make it all stop

But I actually came close tonight

. It needs to stop .

.

You don't know how many times I have wanted to hug you when I was scared.
You don't know how many times I have cried after talking to you.
You don't know how I feel every time you tell me I have to do something I don't want to do.
I remember when you used to tell me that I didn't have to anything that I didn't want to do.
Now I wonder what has happened to you.
I used to think you would protect me from monsters, but now you have turned into something that I need protection from.
Now I can protect myself.
Not only from you, but from my own monsters too.
I don't like when you sick people on me, to convince me you have changed.
We both know you haven't.
We both know you won't.
Yet I keep coming back, with unfulfilled hopes.
You say I hurt you, but I know you hurt me more.
You don't seem to care, but you expect it from me.
I don't understand why you think I'm so cruel, when all I try to do is apologize to you.
Time went by and I grew up distant form you.
I have finally learned.
And I have grown too.
I realize that you will never go back.
I promise, I won't try to attack.
But I do have my defenses high, and I won't go down without a fight.
I don't feel like I know you anymore,
And you won't stop until you feel like you have settled the score.
Some days I feel like dying.
Like I don't wanna be around anymore.
Then I remember that I am not here for you.
I'm here for her.
She is my light.
Although, I know she feels dark.
I want her to be happy and feel loved for all of her life.
She deserved better than you all along.
I don't feel like you love me anymore.
I feel like she loves me a bit less.
But I won't ever say anything,
Because I know that feels selfish,
And my feelings don't matter to anyone,
So I won't let them see what I think or feel,
Or what I fight in my own flesh.
You don't know what I go through.
You don't know what I have done.
You don't know how I feel.
And you never will.
Because I am here for her.
For her.
She saves me.
I bet you didn't know that or ever take a second to think about it.
You should thank her for me being here as long as I have been.
If you ever really cared...

Maybe all the voices
Inside of my head
Were telling me lies.

I shouldn't have believed what they said.

Maybe all those people
Who never really liked me
Weren't worth my time.

They never got to know me.

Maybe when those people
Said that I was nothing
Were really jealous of me.

Because they knew I was going to become something.

No matter how down someone tries to make you feel,
Just remember that they don't know you.
They don't talk to you everyday.
They don't know what's going on in your life,
Or what's going on inside of your head.

Even if you have to say this to yourself everyday
To remember so that you don't just give up,
That's okay.

We're okay.

You're okay.

Everything will soon be okay.

Sometimes I get sad when I think about:

- How we used to be joined at the hip.
- All my friends leaving to live their own separate lives.
- Someone I love being lonely in a dangerous new place.
- Soon leaving my friends to live my own separate life.
- Not being as close as I am with some people later on.
- People treating my loved ones badly.
- Not being able to follow my dreams.

But I know that:

- That was a long time ago and I have found that it was for the better.
- They are hopefully following their dreams and are happy.
- Something most people would be afraid of but I will just try to check up on them once in a while and let them live their lives.
- I need to learn to spread my wings and just try to keep in touch with everyone.
- I will make time for them, even if it's just a little. Hopefully they do the same.
- I will always stick by them and sand up for them.
- I will try my hardest and I will do my best and even if that's not enough, I will at least know that I did all i could and gave it all that I have.

I'll be moving on.

Hopefully for the better...

Tired of fake friends.
Tired of missing chances.
Tired of listening but not being listened too.
Tired of trying and getting nowhere.
Tired of arguing.
Tired of being tired.

Some nights I can't think about those things.

The things that make me sad.

They could be something small like how there is an unhappy baby somewhere right now wanting it's mom to hold it.

Or it could be something personal like when I think about how I will lose my mom one day.

It could be a sound, like someone crying.

It could be a thought like how someone somewhere is thinking about ending their life when they have so much to live for.

It could be something like how a dog or cat or other animal is being hurt or neglected right now, when they do nothing wrong and all they want is love.

It could be something like seeing a scene in a movie that makes me think deeply about life.

It could be thinking about how happy someone is about something you will probably never get to experience or have.

It could be my own thoughts like when I think about how stupid I am for thinking about all these things right now.

I feel them all at once.

And I cry.

And I can't seem to stop long enough to think about the happy things.

I just feel to deeply.

Until I fall asleep into darkness and I have dreams of all these things and it's like a bad movie playing

Over
And over
And over
And over
Again
And again
And again
And again
In my stupid head.

...

I always though that it was strange
For people to say that someone could never love them.
Because I wonder if that really is the case
Or if it's just that the other person won't give it a shot
So you feel hopeless.
Helpless.
Lonely.
Lost.
(?)

Open doors with smiling faces,
Slammed before you could even say, "Hello."

A confident demeanor,
Punched down by a low blower that plays *****.

A kind face,
Acting as a steal shield to hide an unkind figure underneath.

A beautiful rose,
With thorns that will cut like sharp knives when all you want
To do is smell it's fresh perfumed scent.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I didn't hug you more.
I'm sorry I didn't look you in the eyes and smile at you more.
I'm sorry I didn't pet you more.
I'm sorry your back legs stopped working.
I'm sorry when I asked you to please get out of the way.
I'm sorry I didn't appreciate you following me around more.
I'm sorry if you were in pain.
I'm sorry you didn't get to stay with us longer.
I'm sorry I cried so much.
I'm sorry you're gone now.
And I'm sorry for so much more.

I'm sorry.

I love you, and I promise I will see you again.

I sit on the brown couch of a big room.
I am surrounded by bright yellow walls.
Yellow is the color of sunshine,
Yet I feel only black shadows looming over me.

Outside there are people walking the streets,
All dressed in orange, blue, and black.
Light and dark are constantly arguing.

I hear shouting, pounding on the pavement, the winter jacket material rubbing together as people walk.
I see the lights.
Red, White, Blue, Yellow.

All at once it stops.
The noise is gone.
The lights stop shining.
Everyone is gone,
Yet the air remains red with anger and fear.

The next morning, people ask how I can sense these shadows,
When there are people more afraid than me who cannot.
They wonder how someone with yellow walls could understand.

But white and black do not care.
They lighten and deepen at will.
Even the most vibrant cannot stay that way forever.

Once when I was younger I went to the lake with my family.
   At one point I was on top of a cliff overlooking the water.
      I stared into the dark blue hole below me.
         I wondered how deep it would be.
            Does it end? Are there rocks? What creatures lie below?
               I considered jumping. It scared the hell out of me.
                  I am someone who really does not like the unknown.
                     But I love flying. Feeling weightless. Free.
                        Was this going to be worth it?
                           Tempting.
                              I jump.

For those few seconds I felt like a feather gliding through the air.
   Although I awaited the crash.
      The moment when I would hit the water and feel it.
         Either I would feel pain or a slow of time.
            It's funny though.
               It was as if none of that even happened.
                  I just woke up.
                     I was suddenly looking at the sky.
                        I felt numb at first.
                           Next I felt the air knocked out of my body.
                              I felt like I was suffocating.
                                 I floated to the shore.

As I began to feel okay again, I looked up at the cliff.
It doesn't look as far down as it felt in that moment.
I wonder if it was worth it.
Was the unknown worth the pain?
Was it worth the weightless feel?

                                                                                   Would I do it again?