Don't you want me?
All I'm hearing is the rush of the cars behind me. You're standing in the doorway, and I'm lying down, the covers pulled over me.
Don't you need me?
I'm smiling. You're smiling.
I'm almost laughing. You make me gitty. But all I feel when we're together is something pulling us apart. Am I one of many? If this weren't a test, if I went away for a few days. I mean, really went away-would you miss me?
Another car passes. Then a siren. Have I died here in this darkness? In this loneliness? Where I'm laying on my side? Where you're not touching me. You kissed my cheek. One. Two. Three. Times. I wonder if you could feel me grinning. If your lips could as they touched me ever so briefly understood everything. Something changed today. But yet, everything stayed the same. It's starting to feel like I can predict every moment with you. And still, each kiss feels new. There's something about us. It feels like a fresh wound. I'm fascinated by the way it oozes. I keep staring at it. I want to lick the blood, taste metal, like it's the first time. I was pressed up against a wall, and I looked over. I was walking, we sat down on a bench. It was almost summer. I looked over. Everything was so uncertain then. So unobtainable. You were standing there & I wanted to kiss you. But now that I can. And when I do. You feel so far away. Reach out to me as I did to you. Touch me. Tell me. I tell you all the time. I know I shouldn't wear my heart on my sleeve, but it's too late. You've got your hand wrapped around my bicep, and your pulling me closer and closer to something that keeps moving away. Eventually. Will we get there? Please say something! Anything! I assume. I know that makes an *** out of me. I don't know anything. But something in the way you look at me tells me this isn't forever. That it's only temporary. How long can temporary be? My arm is tingling. You're asleep next to me. I don't think I'll let you read this. I don't think I'll let anyone see this deep into me. Last night I was crying when I called you. You said you looked at the phone. I'm not sure what would have happened if you had answered. What would happen now? If I stopped writing, and started sobbing? Would you hold me?

"I practically threw my remote at the television screen after seeing Insider's depiction of the prep school **** case. Why did it matter that he was top of his class? One station said she called him an angel. And left her earrings behind. Another, a gem. All that mattered to me was that she was faceless, and afraid. That her word, her crackling deep voice, wasn't enough. Even behind a shadow, she was under a spotlight."

The air is thick like smoke from a forrest fire
The sky is grey and there is lightening
I can still see the burn on my right wrist left from a hot kettle
There are some burns you can't see.
Voices in me, thundering.
My eyes beg for sleep
I can still taste you on my lips like a cigarette
Tingling.
I like the way you looked at me last night
The way you tussled my hair
A man across from me is reading "kiss or ****"
I wonder which one it will be.
You tell me I terrify you.
You're terrify me too.

I don't recognize you.
In the driveway.
Hidden behind shopping carts.
Underneath the orange glow of the street lamp.
The smoke coming from your cigarette is clear.
It's the silence that's suffocating me.

Am
I'll let you sleep
F
I'll let you sleep
C
Cause I can feel the anger
G
swelling in me
Am
I'll let you be
F
I'll let you be
C
Cause I can feel my
G
body shaking
Am
I'll let you dream
F
I'll let you dream
C
Cause my fists
G
are aching
Am
From holding on
F
From holding on
C
To you
G
too tightly

(Bridge) x2

Am                         F
But Tuesday is coming
       Am
and i've gotta let you go

gotta let you go

(Chorus)
Am                           F
But i'll wear a black dress
            C
And pearls
                  G
To your funeral

He is a makeshift man.
Trapped between two teeth.
Unyielding.
I remain very wary and expect revisions.
We bleed into one another.
Fight back noxious fumes.
Still, I am the one that ache's intensely.
"Unhand me!" I cry,
clinging to him.
I beg this make-do man to stay.
Beg him to hold onto me.
Through fire and flames.
Vapor and smoke.
But he dissipates, as ad hoc's always do.

My body trembles at the sight of shadows.
Fireflies flicker and flash above us.
Burning hands and hungry flesh.
A knocking begins.
My tongue pressed against my teeth.
"Why do we make things so complicated?"
Tangled and messy in the muscles of hearts.
I heave and hurt.
Early mornings. Little sleep.
Is this the purge?
I can’t remember the last time someone spoke to my skin.
Company is expensive. The price of a hot meal.
I ***** the faces of lovers on my wall with needles, and cover their mouths with tape.
Pressed up against isles of DVD’s.
Kiss me until you taste laughter.
I’ve never before felt so heavy.
Lungs shrinking, shrivelling.
Sockets are black holes now.
You never looked like just a man to me;
from the first time I looked at you
I saw poetry.

Thought I missed my city.
Changed my mind instantly.
As he sat, staring at me.
The rain was calming at first.
Now it's only making my brows furrow and my feet hurt.
This crowded space has me rubbing my tired eyes and licking my lips.
Tapping my foot to keep busy.
All I see through the fog of the windows is red and blue.
Thanking the Angels for keeping me safe like my godmother would do.
He won't stop staring.
Through lenses that look like something from a black and white comedy.
I can't laugh.
My gut hurts too much.
Leaning forward, almost touching me. Leaning back.
Looking at feet.
At the lack of trees.
Everything is too familiar.
I feel like I can't breathe.
Now he's standing and I feel guilty for feeling relief.
These buildings look just as lonely as I feel.
Graffitied.
Human work.
On them it's vandalism,
on me its self expression.
No one told me.
I suppose they don't have to now.
I'm finding out pretty quickly.
This is not what I expected.
Not at all what I wanted.
Tonight is the first night I've really felt it.
The distance.
Where does it live?  
In my knees?
In my veins?
In this city.
I want to leave too.
Like you.
If only it were that easy.

I saw a plastic bag on the ground today and I stepped on it without thought. I huffed and puffed my way down the street in the heat, with my feet throbbing and my arms growing weaker and weaker. I saw myself in the reflection of a coffee shop, faded and grey. My hair fell perfectly at my collarbones and still, I noticed only the shape of my face and the size of my nose. I pressed the elevator button and waited. I closed my eyes and stepped in. The kitchen was empty and when I put my keys down on the table. I swear it sounded like a thunderstorm. I am alone. I danced in my room to a song I hated, but knew all the words to. I felt drunk, and it wasn’t until afterwards that I felt stupid.

The next day I did it all again, except on this day, I felt forsaken. I slumped into bed, and my mind slipped down treacherous slopes. I listened to the rain and heard it falling. I heard my thoughts falling too. All I wanted was you.

I watch a man stumble to a window seat on a moving bus.
His eyes are red and his mouth is watering.
He's got a large plastic bag in one hand and holds an apple and some bread in the other.
I can hear his moans and groans over my headphones.
"What am I doing here?" the song asks me.
I run my fingers through my hair
and tap my foot nervously at the question.
The man stands up,
then proceeds to get on his knees, as if he's looking for something he's lost under his chair.
"Maybe everyone's lost too, looking for a way out"
My body is trembling now at the words she sings to me.
I wish you were here with me.
Now that I'm alone in bed.
With only the dark to keep me company.
Sometimes I wonder if you could be?
If it's too much to ask?
Too much to speak?
I know you're busy.
Please forgive me.
Depression slithered into me unexpectedly this evening.
And wrapped itself around me.
"What do I know? I'm a child"
The song fades. But I'm still listening to everything it's said to me.

My body aches.
The spaces between my bones feel like they're filled with glue.
My chest is tight.
When I breathe in, it reminds me that I need to sleep more and dream less.
I consider the kindness of the ground below me as I stand, sipping at chai tea and staring catatonically at the only light in the room.  
I consider the kindness of the walls as my eyes move to your things on the table.
I folded your shirt,
but before doing so,
held it to my face.
It smelt of your skin.
I don't want to forget you.
Promise you won't forget me?
The light spotlights these things,
so I take a picture.
This is what I need to do.
The picture is warm
and reminds me of sunrise.
I close my eyes
and feel orange and yellow.
The scratch of your unshaved face on my cheek.
On your way out the door,
you tell me that you might die today, and that you love me.
My stomach churns.
I hope you know that if these are the last words you say to me,
I won't ever be okay.
I try and slip into sleep.
But "four more days" creeps into me,
wraps around my heart and squeezes it tightly until my eyes fill with tears.
I'm sobbing now.
Clasping my hand over my mouth to muffle the sound.
I can feel each day like a rope around me.
Tomorrow, around my neck.
Thursday has my arms and legs. Immobilizing me.
Friday, my lungs.
I'm weak.
Tossing and turning.
When will I see you again?
How many more seconds until then?
Twenty seven days between.
Twenty seven days left lonely.
I'm hoping twenty seven days isn't enough time for you to change your mind.
God knows twenty seven lifetimes wouldn't change mine.

Today fall came and reminded me what it's like to be lonely.
Red leaves reminded me of his sharp cheeks and cigarettes.
Black coffee.
Blue grief.
The rain so heavy, and the wind howling.
His name taste likes sugar and rots my teeth.
The first letter resting on a plain gold ring.
I'll be waiting.
Grasping onto silence.
Under the same moon.
He is chasing midnight lights and drinking whiskey.
My soul calls for him every waking moment,
wandering the streets,
but no one responds.

I'm learning to trust you again. It comes in waves. Some moments, I trust you too much. Other moments, I pull back because I'm afraid of those contrasting moments. Those moments when the wave is high. I'm so afraid of it crashing down on me. So I pull back. Like the tide.

My mind is busy, busy
But my heart will always
have room for you.
My body is aching, aching
But my hands will always
hold you.
Even if we're shaking
And the ground is quaking
Nothing will change
between me and you.
I won't forsake you.
Say you won't too.

The dark is not dark enough
to silence these shadows that speak to us when we sleep.
They crawl into our bodies through the corners of our mouths.
They tell us we won't make it through winter.
Through the fog that's rolling in.
That we will splinter and crack
That we will turn into empty soap boxes.
I promised these walls I would see them again.
Two eyes are sometimes all I can give.
This rain is guilt-free.
But I will repeat my apologies like broken clockwork until you leave me.
Will my lips still taste like coffee
when you come again someday?
Will my fingers still smell like cigarets
when you're a thousand miles away?

Wrap me in crinkled paper. In cotton and leather. Feed me the finest fruit.
Give me Magnolia. Lilies. Anything but a rose. Build me something with wood. Something I can keep close to me. With iron legs and copper hands. Sour candy and wool. Woven with fingers covered in clay. A willow tree watching. Standing still like a tin man. Turn him to steel. He will ask you for silk. Lace too. He is more than a man. A beast. He is crystal clear. Like China, covered in a thick layer of dust. On a silver screen. A woman in pearls. Hidden deep under the sea, surrounded by corral. Paint me ruby red, dip me in sapphire.  
We were golden. Diamonds were supposed to be forever. Look at us now. We still play games. What if? Regret. Resent.
There's nothing here. Just you and I. And I'm air. So really, it's just you here.
"You are worthless my dear. There is not enough liquor in the world to hold me to you. Even with a heavy grip around your wrists."
Slip. Disappear.

Shadows on your back.
Branches.
The colors change.
If you wanted me, why did you leave?
Dust swirling in the light.
By the blinds.
If you wanted me, why are you asleep?
You: white t-shirt
Me: your striped sweatshirt
Declarations.
Never made.
Just your hand in my hair,
never on my face.

This place
knows my body.
All my bones
may they be broken.
They don't long
to be shaken again.
My heart knows
these sheets and wooden floors.
I stand sobbing.
Won't you stop my suffering?
You hold me here.
You say you are
in fear.
If you only knew
the way my blood boils and aches.
Would you relinquish
your heavy hand ?

I lie in vintage floral and breathe in the musty smell of the "yellow bedroom"
The room is pitch black and in the distance is the blaring of the 11 o'clock news echoing on two televisions

I toss and turn in my bed
Its mattress much firmer
than I am used to
It makes my bones ache so I crack my feet
and stretch my legs
I hear footsteps coming down the hall so I shuffle in my place and quickly click the lamp beside me off
I lie perfectly still
Rubbing my tongue against my teeth

A small white sore formed on the tip of my tongue one week ago and it won't go away
When I eat sugar or spice
it burns
Sometimes I stick it in the air and feel the cold **** up all the moisture
Drying and healing the spot
But only momentarily
Until I place it back in my mouth, and the stinging returns, two fold

The sounds of steps again,
this time departing
Then the sound of the microwave

My eyes are swollen from lack of sleep

I lie and think of the summer I slept in this same bed
After a long days work in the heat my skin was blistered
from the sun
I took a photo of my tan lines to send to someone
My back
bright red
I can still smell the scent
of weeds
and freshly dug dirt
underneath what fingernails I had left
I could feel the dirt spill out onto my pillow as I rested my head on the back of my hand

I adjusted my position and suddenly felt the space between my legs burn
Earlier, in the shower, I attempted to shave with a cheap pink razor
It mutilated me
Left dozens of little pin ***** like wounds
The rush of discomfort caused me to sweat profusely and the combination of the perspiration and heat almost created a cool tingling sensation that reminded me of dry ice

I laid still again until the pain went away

I could feel my eyelids
getting heavier
Sleep beckoned

I recalled a happy memory
from a few days prior
As I closed my eyes
I imagined myself
back in my own bedroom
My own television
Its volume barely audible
On the screen
A film entitled
"To Catch A Thief"
My head burrowed
in a mans chest
My arms wrapped around
his neck
Swirling the ends of his hair
in my fingertips
I would drift in
and out of a dream
Each time, waking with a jolt
After some time,
He announced his departure
pulling himself out from underneath me,
kissing me softly
and slinking out the door

I yearned now
for the sort of sleep
that followed then
A heavy,
almost drug induced sleep
My body dense and soupy
My mind delirious
My dreams
Rapturous

But the elation of this idea
was short lived
And instead,
I was back in stiff sheets
Once again,
I could hear the televisions
This time;
the sounds of late night infomercials

I had always hated falling asleep alone
It was tedious
as a twice told tale
And desolate
as a desert
Back and forth
My left and right shoulder occasionally
exchanging the weight
My internal organs
sloshing in me
from one side to the other

Finally,
I found a comfortable spot
And decided
I had better force myself to sleep
On account of an early wake up time tomorrow
I took one last long breath
in through my nose

I was wearing his sweatshirt,
In the hopes his smell would waft in and put me right to sleep like a lullaby
but instead all I could smell was my own perfume I had spritzed earlier

The image of his face would have to suffice for now
I closed my eyes and imagined the small dimple in his chin and the sound of a door closing shut.

Soon I was fast asleep.

"My hands hurt. I have blisters on my thumbs and the sides of my feet. My back is covered in red, with the exception of two thin white lines where my blue straps lay on my shoulders. My fingers pulse and burn as I write, holding a wooden pen, gnawed and mountainous. I should stop, and sleep. But there's a churning in me. A need. So I scribble on. My thumbs throbbing"

You said you thought things were coming to a close
I said I couldn't let you go
It's unnerving to know
That it could have happened so easily
That I could have slipped through the cracks
That you would have let me
I thought I meant so much more
When we said those words
Those four
Don't forget me
In the valley
I know the heat is on
But soon the rain will pour
Please tell me I mean so much more

It's been so long since I've heard the rain.
Since I've smelt it's scent on cement. Since its touched my face.
It was early in the morning.
And you wouldn't come up again. Sitting in a rental car,
I ran out into the street.
Danced like I was in a movie.
Thinking you were going to follow me. When you didn't, I returned to foggy windows
& handed you keys, playfully.
My heart sunk a little when you kissed me.
Everything is different now.

I took a deep breath in
Smelt wet pavement
Weeds
Heard the pouring rain
Watched the windows fog
There was a delay
Then
And now
My body slow like molasses
I could taste you on my lips
Before I even knew what was happening
Before I even knew you
I wanted to taste her too
Her hair
A white blonde
His eyes sown shut
I wanted you
Just like this
One hundred days short
Somewhere
A week
Nestled between
Before I even knew you
You were mine
You made me weak at the knees

Nothing changed,
just returned to the way it was before.
Before five nights.
One day.
Then suddenly,
we weren't the same.
You're dragging your feet.
Must you drag me?
What am I worth?
If anything.
Chaos came knocking and we answered.
I went mad
trying to find your face in the dark.
You said you would stay.
Instead, you depart with good news.
You've known me.
Seen my skin.
Felt it sweat.
Watched me tremble.
Ache until I can't ache any longer.
Still, you wait.
What are you waiting for?
I am here. I have been. Will always be. I am here. Take me.

I live in
another.
We breathe in
each other.

She said you've got the eye.
She said you've got to lie.
She said you've got to die.
She said you've got to ask
Why?

What's the use?
We're all deprived.

Put me to work.
I'm alive.

I've got the bones.
Pick me
apart.

I'm a walking work of art.

Lift me
higher.
My heart's on fire.

I'm living proof.

That we all
unwind,
from behind.

You can't
feel the skin you're in.

Until someone's felt you.

You don't know
where to begin.

Until someone's had to.

Tomorrow is creeping closer. I can feel it on me like a mosquito. *******.
I wonder if it took enough if I could get dizzy?
Where are you now and what are you doing?
I imagine a woman who's gone grey. Who's loud but not angry.
Does she look like you?
I can't find you in her face.
Maybe it's hiding?
Behind liquor stains and foul breath.
I told someone yesterday
You are like unlike any man I've ever known.
You were a boy. But it's hard to picture you as anyone but who you are today.
Someday I hope I can call you by name.
There's an album playing.
I'm searching for the words you'll probably never hear me say.
They are between "pope will role" and "IPC"
I was warned. But no one knows you like I do. Not even me.
It's true that you've never been anything but.
You've told me again and again.
It's still early we say.
And fall asleep.
It's been so long since you've touched my face. I'm old and wrinkling.
Nobody's innocent she says.
Not even our hearts, wherever they may be.
Maybe they're running away?

What a fool I was to do this.
64 cents to my name.
A vast offering,
You string me along a long and dark ever bounding set of trees.
Standard roses.
A man who lodged in the room next door, with a cold tongue.
I can still taste you.
SMACK.
Burning green.
Tiny swallowed patterns on my knees.
A woman asked me and I told her I would be lonely; looking onto the street.
He’s dressed in blue,
Wash (white clothes)


He had a winsome smile that you couldn’t see in a photograph.
It mimicked Michelangelo.
Brimming with confidence, then there was a heavy swell; caused by tidal surges.
Rolling waves that did not break.
Sangfroid.
How cold and calculated he was.


"I don’t drink, but I do karaoke" I’m told by a woman with a cigarette between her lips. I push myself into an old elevator. Below me; speakeasy. I want to make love to you in a room with a door that takes two hands to shut. Hardwood floors. I’m not sure what I’m trying to say; it hurts us?


I tried to drown them.
They would have never existed; moments between.
It used to be easier.

There's been a rattling in my ribs since I met you.
My skin, paper thin.
The wind wraps itself around me the way you used to.
And when you're here, I'm see through.

Like old wooden floors,
I felt my bones creek.
Inside the frame of a window,
the world fed itself to me.
I absorbed everything.
Let out a quiet sigh.
Sprung into the clutches of the night.

Think of me
Not the days in between
When the music
doesn't feel
right
Think of me
Think of that night
When everything seems dark
Let me be the light

Across interstates
New license plates
In a new states of mind

We will take one another
Until the day turns to night
And we'll say

Baby, Baby
Hold me tight
Baby, Baby
Just for tonight

And I will find you
In a sea of faces
That I don't recognize

And You will find me
In the lights of the city
You left behind

And i'll sing
Baby, baby
come back to me
baby, baby
won't you please

Baby, Baby
In a sea of faces
you're all I see

I sit and smoke on the steps.
I sit and smoke my fears away.
All of my insecurities.
I try and blow them your way.
I hope you'll catch them.
I know you smell them on me.
They're bitter and rotten.
A moment ago - you turned off the light.
Pushed me on my side.
I craved one more in that moment.
But it was empty.
When I woke; the room resembled it in this way.
I remember a kiss.
Then like a dream; you faded away.
I walked with soft feet afraid I would wake those below. That they would hear and know.
I tiptoed and breathed in what was left of you. In pillowcases. In sheets. In t-shirts. You lingered.
In my jean jacket - so did my insecurities.
I was hoping if I slept in until the sun came. You would join me. That you would seep into me & wash away anything foul & ugly. But you left me in the morning. And I was left craving once more again. The smell was so pungent. You could see it coming out my pores. It almost screamed.
It did scream.
It screamed.
Hold me.
Tell me.
Want me.
Need me.
Unwrap me.
Don't throw me away.

My mother asked me:  
"What was he thinking?"
"What did he see?"
I couldn't tell her.
I couldn't speak.
I wanted the words to fall.
I wanted them to be free.
I couldn't think.
I just kept staring.
Blankly.
Hoping the moment would pass me by.
And that my mother wouldn't ask me why.
"What does he think of you?"
Why don't you ask him?
God knows I don't know.
Everything's a question,
up in the air.
Everything's uncertain.
Everything's unfair.
He keeps on sleeping.
And I keep on dreaming.
It reoccurs to me,
that somehow I keep breathing.
I can't be the only one who doesn't know we don't exist.
Who feels we've lost ahold of this.
My mother asked me.
I couldn't tell her.
I couldn't speak.
Will you tell me
so I can tell her
what you think?

I dreamed of ou last night.
You stood on the opposite side of a street.
I called out to you.
But you didn't hear me.
When I approached you, you smiled silently.
Then kissed me.
I knew then and there, this couldn't possibly be reality.
And woke, covered in sweat.
Crying.

One in the morning and I'm wishing upon the whistle of a passenger train that you were here with me.
Counting down the days until I am able to see you again.
I want to say I have never felt this way.
Standing in the shower, water running down my face.
You and I are more than just two frames.
We are supplementary.
You are not just a soul case.

'Go around to the back door' you said.
'I hid the key under a sheet.
Go around to the back door
I know the gate is locked,
look underneath'
That night I was stumbling.
Clung to you.
Longed for my body.
For any other body.
I lingered somewhere in between.
Felt like someone had stolen me,
walked in my skin.
Who is this thief?
This robber?
'She was alive' you said.
Then what am I?
The next morning,
I had no memory.
I laid in bed all day.
You went away.
The silence was sickening.

3 months from today and it will have been one year since the first time you kissed me. That moment feels so far away. In my mind. And in reality. It also feels like just yesterday.
We are not the same. Yet, we haven't changed. So who are we?
I hate this place. Forever bound to you. Blinded. You say: Don't associate. Don't speak. But I have so much to say, and I've totaled so much already.
I didn't want to be right. But I knew I would be. I knew you would recede. I knew you would dissipate. When you got your way. But what do I get? I'll just keep quiet. And hope that you'll stay.

She says "he's still in the jungle"
He owes her five hundred still for all the little ones.
There's an owl in a gold frame just staring at me.
And this golden poison is deep in my veins now.
My face,
slimming
puckering.
What have I done?
Who have I become?
Sat up against a brick wall.
On the back of a napkin the words bleed.
I feel queazy.
Will I bleed too?
Like pink and red roses.
She says
"I already have some"
But I have nothing and no one.
I am light.
Air.
But thick as bone.
As wood, creaking.
I can feel him.
I can feel everything.
I'm sinking.

When I was walking:
I stared at blackberries and the stains they left on the pavement.
I stared at stop lights & the city scape to my right.
I stared at the sky.
It's not empty.
The stars are still sleeping.
Dusk is here.
Night is coming.
They will wake.
Open their little eyes and look down at us widely.
When I was walking:
I thought of what I would name my children.
Thought of what we would be like in many years.
I couldn't close my eyes.
I could move my lips to the words in my ears.
Tap my fingers on my leg as if it were keys on a piano.
I grew angry with myself.
Refused to walk that way.
It's too late to be calling now.
To be complaining.
Once, there was a man who knew me.
Who I could tell my secrets to.
I heard his voice today, as I stood.
I wonder if I will be swollen shut in the morning?
Who will pry me open?
I have no energy to do it myself.
Last night I was awake.
I ran my fingers through your hair.
Do you know you snore and whisper little nothings into the air?
Sometimes I pretend it's my name.
Sometimes I pretend i'm not there.

I can feel you fleeting
Oh the things I do to get to you
My palm pressed up against white brick
You are a great wave
and a great drought
You give and you wait
But you never take

A bridge over blue water.
A woman running, her hair bouncing and flowing.
I grind my teeth and press my tongue against the roof of my mouth.
Last night burnt me.
I sat alone in a dark room.
You didn't know.
Just before you came in.
Just before I was smiling.
Covering my face with a pillow.
I wanted to fall asleep earlier, with your legs on either side of me.
Later, you touched my face; only briefly.
Each moment I get closer & closer.
I can't tell if you're moving away or simply staying the same.
I hope that you are falling slowly.
I'm already there.
I can't speak.
I tried to say the words in that room.
The sound of the shower running.
My lip trembled.
I caressed my own face.
Ran my hands through my hair.
As if you were there.
That's what made me cry.
The things I couldn't say.
I'll see you in a few days.
Maybe then.

I know I haven't been fair.
I have trouble standing still.
I write line after line.
Use up all my time talking instead of living.
Tomorrow I promise things will go differently.
I promise to just let things be.
I know I've said this before.
But I'm going to try, that's all I can say.
I need to stop expecting so much.
And start focusing on who you are now, instead of who I want you to be.
It's not that I don't like you this way.
In fact, I'm infatuated.
I know I speak my mind too easily.
I just want you to see you in the way I do. I want you to know that I think you're amazing. The way you kiss me. I hope you feel it too. It's almost as if when you do, you step back and take one look at me and see everything. All of my flaws and insecurities. I need to stop doubting. If you didn't want to be here with you, you would leave. I suppose that's the fear. But as someone once told me. Be prepared. Everything ends eventually.

I can't shake this feeling now
We're going through the motions*

I've known it for a long time.
I am trying to be patient.
Reaching out for something.
Feeling nothing but thin air.
Why is that you tug at me?
I'm growing weary.
Can you not see what you are doing?
Can you not feel it when you are close to me?
We breathe the same air.
Speak the same words (occasionally)
For a second, I was convinced you knew me.
But I think i'm constantly playing movie reels inside my mind of the someone I thought you'd be.
(This isn't a movie)
You feel like a ghost to me.
Like a zombie.
You're eating away at me.
Devouring.
I told a woman the day before yesterday
"it's much to late"
I've already given almost everything.
I want you to have me.
Need me.
Consume me.
We are untagged.
Untitled.
It's freeing.
Living in this moment with you.
But i'm afraid of the darkness up ahead.
Of the road i'm having trouble seeing.
I can't imagine you.
I can't imagine me.
I can't imagine anything.

If you ever think of me-
(If there were such a thing)
My eyes would glow so sweetly.
I would stop circling the things I want,
then start grabbing the things I need.
You would be the first thing.
What would I be?
You would the last thing.
There are no words
For what you mean to me.

What does your mind say when no one is listening?
In mine, there are butterflies that escaped my belly.
They swarm inside me, and turn to bees.
When you're not with me
I can hear them buzzing.

I'm addicted to possibility.
The first time I met you-
I will try again tomorrow.
To not forget you.
I'm addicted to capability.
I will try again.
In the morning
After i've grieved you.

I don't want to feel the rain on my skin anymore.
I don't want to wait.
It feels like a thunderstorm.
Like the wind is laughing at me.
These things happen-
Naturally.

It's hopeless.
I tell you these things-
I just want to know.
That you won't let me go.

*This feeling I get when you're near
I'd give up gravity to feel

Last night - I couldn't breathe.
(You wanted to know what I was thinking)
Last night - I couldn't see.
(You wanted to know if I was hurting)
Honestly - I tried to be honest.
Truthfully - I tried to get to the point.
Instead I danced and danced and danced.
Why won't you dance with me?

The sky is grey this morning.
The night is over, but it is still sleeping (as we should be)
I don't think the moon has purged itself entirely.
Somewhere above us, it is in hiding.
How can I say-
I am lost in you, and there is no finding-
Every road is a dead end in it's own way.
All that I know is that I am not afraid.
The water dripping down from the planters does not drown me.
It feeds me.
Gives me words that I turn to poetry.
A light from a television screen.
Black curtains and my feet aching.
This blister will remind me of a lifeless body.
It burns as I sweat profusely.
The constant buzz from cars passing and the sweet ****** of a wooden wind chime sang us to sleep.
I felt you touch me.
You put your hands in between my legs, and kissed my shoulder blade.
Thank you.
It made my stomach weak.
Queasy.
You never promised me anything.
But if I woke you in the middle of the night, would you caress my face?
Do you want to know what I want?
Besides you (nothing but you)
I want you here to hold me.
I want you to say something.
Put me in your movie.
Make it clever and witty.
I want you to say you-
Is it coming?
Will I ever see the sun?

Plastic cups.
Everything went fuzzy
and all around me was green.
Each new pair of heels that walked past made me want to rip my hair out.
Then I'd be even shorter than them.
Then they could continue to look
and laugh.
Teeth glowed under the black light.
I came in and out of the room.
Each time,
I tried to find him.
But when I did, he was not who I was looking for.
How did I end up on the street?
This time, no bare feet.
This time with my hair down
and a pair of glasses I stole.
I took them so I could play the part in a movie.
But I was never on screen.
No one saw me.
I sat idly in the background.
Each scene, they'd
cut and cut and cut again.
Until there were so many lashes on me,
I couldn't even bleed.

I called. But you did not answer.
I left.
Said "I am ready"
Therefore, I love you.
I am caught between.
I have come from Point A to Point B-
Point A being days in the city.
Point B; it knows no bounds.
The distance between called.
I will give what I don't have.
Will be.
Angry.
I should know by now.
Foolish.
I want.
There is nothing more.
I have never been whatever this is.
I feel like loneliness.

The frames
Don't have names.

Just pictures
And some dues.

The way
of the waves.

They will hold you.
Better than I do.

I put you on.
You smell like campfire & have a stain somewhere.
I can feel you clutch to my skin.
I'm not sure how much longer I can do this.
You're dangling off of me.
It's a long way down.
I want to peel you off me.
But this has become something so much more than a bandaid.
I can already hear your breathing in my ear.
There was a time you held me and told me it would be okay.
Is it only in panic that you can really see me? Really touch me?
I crumple you up and try and toss you. But you're suddenly sown to the palm of my hand.
If I try to rip you from me, I'll bleed.
I will faint at the sight.
That can be guaranteed.
I'm waiting for tomorrow to come.
But tomorrow is too late.
You should told me yesterday.
There are words lingering.
I spilled out everything on the table, and hoped you'd pick up the pieces. Who was I kidding?
I am so tired.
Everything is ninety.
It's ninety degrees.
I'm boiling.
My flesh is melting.
My lungs are filling with hot air.
I'm suffocating.
It's ninety percent.
Sooner than later, I'll have reached the top.
What else will I have to give?
Here take my heart.
Take everything I have.
I don't own anything anymore.
Not even me.
It's too late.
I can't detach even if I wanted to. You're a part of me.
I wear you like a sweatshirt I've had for days and haven't washed.
I'm afraid that if I do, You'll wash away too.
I can see the tide now. It's too far out to see.
I wish you would have been there to see it with me.
Where were you? Why weren't you there?

It's too early to say this, but I miss you dearly in these lonely midnight moments. You bring the most poetic feelings out in me.