Thank you.

Thank you for only talking to me when its convenient for you.
Thank you for all the nights I stayed up worrying about you.
Thank you for all of the unresponded messages and calls.
Thank you for all of the promises of non-abandonment, even though they were unfulfilled.
Thank you for the gaslighting and unsourced anger.
Thank you for the pit in my stomach saying no one can ever love me, not even as a friend.
Thank you for making me feel completely and utterly alone when I could never do the same to you.
Last but not least, Thank you, for teaching me that no one will ever be more reliant than me, no one will ever love harder or care more, no one will ever come close.
Thank you for proving to me that I AM DIFFERENT, because I allways think I'm a horrible person, but could never be the monster that you are to me.

Goodmorning death, I know you watch me as I sleep creeping ever closer from faults of my own. For most people you're scary but you just dont scare me anymore, maybe that's because you've never allowed me to be hurt, you've just taken away the ones who couldnt bear the pain anymore...

I woke up this morning and daydreamed about you, but in my dreams you're nothing like everyone pictures you, beautiful and glowing with calming yellow light surrounding, something told me I would never see your face until the day I do not wake but something else keeps telling me that day is not too far now...

You see: yesterday night I downed some pills and went for a run just to see what would happen, nothing, while my love was high as a kite I felt nothing and was craving the cold metal against my skin again, I talked with my best friend who I love like a sister and in the beginning I'd planned that to be the last time and it didnt hurt anymore, I told her more of my story and more of my dreams, and had to walk back to my steps to see my him fast asleep and had to put my love in the house because even as a grown man hes not strong enough to control himself half as well as me, so I told my sister (best friend) I'd be back, at this point I couldnt lie to her, shed allready woken up her parent and told me to come over when I hadn't been over in months because of this **** virus, I muted her and in the silence of the dark early morning I carved my thighs, wrist, and stomach and watched as the blood trickled down until the voice that echoes in my head told me that it was enough and I felt a wave of calm... after I got back yesterday, away from my sister and her family I just slept, I'd wake up and movement was too painful so I slept... I wake up this morning next to the man I call love and saw his sleeping face and he'll never know how I stroked his beard as I cried, because now, I'm sitting on the edge of a tub, with tears streaming my face because I dont wanna die but death seems so inviting, and i dont wanna live because life seems so terrifying.

I'm wrighting this because I'm not sure if it'll be the last thing I Wright, I doubt it,  I mean, even when people notice when I'm messed up all I can say is "dont worry, I'll get through it, I allways do right?" But after watching people you love die, losing countless homes, being ***** by an unbelievable number of men, going through years of physical and then mental abuse,and knowing I drive everyone I love away because of my illnesses...  I'm scared that I'll have to leave everyone I love behind, because that's the only reason I try anymore, I keep hearing people telling me to live for me but no one seems to understand how hard that can be when the only person/thing you dont care about is yourself...




I doubt anyone will read all of this, but just know that if you do, and this is my last wrighting, I want you to do this for me: LIVE.
To those being touched against your will, even if you aren't PHSYCALLY fighting back: That man/woman who touches you that terrifys you, **** telling family, **** telling friend, call 911 and tell them you're scared, I guarantee they'll protect you.
To those stuck in abusive family's: I know you love them sweetie but sometimes loving someone isnt allways enough to make them change, talk to another relative youd be comfortable staying with or take it directly to the police, it's not worth it to stay until you're 18 just to make them happy .

To those going through dealing with a friend/family member dying: I know it hurts baby but you're strong and you can do this, live for them and strive to keep their memory alive, and for those of you who feel as if they should feel something but dont (in relation to close people to you dying) dont feel guilty, everyone copes with things differently, but when you eventually have that moment of grief, dont hold onto it, breathe through it, scream, cry, just let it out, let it move through you and move on with your life.

To those of you with mental illness effecting your life in drastic ways or that just need someone to talk to: you can do it. I usually dont do this but theres going to be a user name for an Instagram account in the notes of this poem, that will be set up today, you're never alone, I promise. This will be a safe place for everyone who needs it, and it wont just be me replying, all the time, if youd rather talk to a female say so, if youd rather talk to a Male, say so, no matter what we will be here to help in any way we can, even if that is just being a ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on.

No matter what happens to me, this page will remain up. There will allways be SOMEONE here for you, were not therapists, were not doctors, were just people like you who at some point wished we had someone who would listen and lift our spirits.


I know I dont know you, but I'm here for you. Now and forever, all you have to do is reach out.

Love you guys! Till we meet in this world or the next, or connect through wrighting.

Forget everything else love, tonight's  just us, let me lay in your arms and let you feel my fingers running through your hair again. Let us laugh and joke until that serious conversation sparks, a conversation that makes me regret everything I am because it keeps me from you... A thousand times I wished I was normal, I want to be everything you could ever want and I cant... you'll never look at me and see me, it'll always be what I am and what's wrong with me... so for tonight, just hold me close and let me feel your breath against my neck, let me make you smile and shiver from trailing my fingers over your skin, let's stay here just long enough for me to pull myself back togeather because you're all I've ever needed and I'm nothing more than a reminder of her.

To the girls like me...

When he runs his fingers up your legs and feels the indentions of your scars and admits they turn him on, hold your head high and know he isnt right for you.

When he pushes you after you say no, and your depression has taken your will to fight beyond words, know it isn't your fault and he was never good enough to lay a finger on you.

When someone sees your scars for the first time and flinches, don't ignore that ake in your soul, embrace it, because as much as it hurts it means they care, don't shut them out.

Hold onto the man who tells you that every imperfection you have is beautiful but not to create more because they love you the way you are.

Ignore the man who tries to change you.

Remember that the man who tells you that you're too much for him, was never enough for you in the first place.

Every day I'm weighed down with regrets but day by day I'm doing my best to wipe the board clean, so to the girls (and even guys) like me, trying their best to be better people, and to make someone love them, stop. You are perfect the way you are and dont let anyone ever tell you any different. You will have good and bad days but never let someone make you feel as if you aren't enough. I care for every single one of you and I feel your pain and I am here! At 2 AM when you think no one would miss you if you finally ended it, I will feel your pain and I am HERE! Stand tall and we can stand united as one, stronger than ever.


To the girls like me, you are not alone.

Laying in bed
At 7am
Another restless night

Thoughts start to creep in
Of love and of sin
O-how and o-where to start

You out of breath
Your hands on my *******
Breath hitching with every touch

Now I lay here
You, nowhere near
Nursing a broken heart.

Why am I sitting here thinking, when the worlds crashing down and the only soft sounds from the day is of heavy breathing and skin on skin... Knowing youd be the one I'd call to wish goodbye last if I left this world because it'd be the hardest... and I wouldent let you hear a single quiver in my voice, standing there with the pills in my hand, I'd let you know that seeing your face lights up my days and tell you I have to go... And when you say something along the lines of "bye darlin, im here for you okay?" I'll tell you that I know, and I love you for the first and last time and I'll hang up because I know you won't say it back.... Knowing that if I was dying my last thought would probably be of you... And I'd be okay with that... Knowing that I laugh and smile to your face when you don't want me to go, crying later because I didn't want to go for different reasons... Knowing that if the world was ending I'd want to be in your arms and you'd probably want to be... Anywhere else....because ****, you make life so amazing and so unbearable at the same time and you don't Even realize it... But I made myself a promise, I'll never tell you the way I feel about you again, it hurt you too much not to be able to say the same things and I saw it in your eyes and I can't bear to hurt you ever again... And I know you say that we can stop and we can be just normal friends but... Maybe I'm selfish..  Because I won't be your first, or last, or the one you love... But I want to be the one you never forget, the one that you can say your life will never be the same because of and that I made your days brighter.... Because while some part of me has accepted that you'll never love me, nights like this make me wish with all my heart that you could... And I know how selfish that is... But you make me selfish... I already know the day I see you with another woman will be the day that breaks me... But I want to break... I want you to find someone who makes you happy in ways that i can't, someone who you wake up and look at and smile and think to yourself "how'd i get so **** lucky"  I want you to love someone and them love you back just as hard... But it hurts knowing I won't be that one... I said I wouldn't catch feelings when you told me that girls your friends with always did, but you said it was because of your angel wings and good looks.... I didn't expect your laugh and that look you get in your eye when I innocently touch you (or try to stop) or the way you talk alittle slurred when you're tired walking around with your arms crossed and head down, and the slight smile when I wrap my arms around you from behind... I didn't expect to fall for you in between all of the simple things you do... But till the day I die I believe every man I meet will be subconsciously compared to you... But since I can't be your lover... I'll strive to be your best friend... Even if it completely and utterly breaks my soul...