i know there are a lot of
feelings that i could write poems about
but sometimes the sun can’t cut through morning fog
and as you gaze across the naked fields
bare of their summertime golden wheat and ocre corn
it looks like you could take a step off of the stretching highway
and float right through the clouds
and step into heaven
i. he made me feel special.
ii. he told me no one else would ever want me.
iii. he was thirty five. how could a fourteen year old fight him off. a twenty-one- year age gap.
(i’ll sneak out at midnight)
(we can do it in my car?)
(i can be there tomorrow)
(nobody has to know.)
(i can’t wait to see you princess :))
-deleted. blocked. not not not forgotten.
two pigtails. yellow bows. mary jane shoes buckled around the side. tall white socks. lace trim. black skirted overalls. a baggy yellow sweater. pavement under my legs. my hands propping me up as i stare into the darkness. a yellow line runs between my legs before continued forever onward. no foggy headlights. no roaring engine. just the still, silent night. and me. echoing laugher fills the two hills. the steeper of which now gains light. my eyes are pressed shut. i wait for the inevitable. brighter. brighter. brighter.
-a dark vehicle speeds at me. I
the first scenario. the driver continues, unaware of the ghost he just sped through. my barely-tethered soul dissipates. those yellow bows float away. all i ever was. was a ghost. a premonition.
-a dark vehicle speeds at me. II
the second scenario. the car takes a sharp turn. screeching tires squeal against pavement. the driver whips their door open. they run over and hold me. wipe my tears. ask of me why. who would do such a thing. waiting in the road. praying for an eventual stranger to take them out. i wish i had the energy to respond. that i have been searching for a way to die. and this seemed the least selfish. the most likely to save my friends from the same fate down the line. where the most blame cannot be saddled with me.
-a dark vehicle speeds at me. III
the third scenario. the brake doesn’t work. maybe they didn’t hit it in the first place. they do, however, hit me. the world goes dark and suddenly i’m free. no more life on earth. no more bleeding wrists. no more skipped meals. no more papers due tomorrow that i haven’t begun. just me and the controller of this realm. alone in the great dark sky.
-a dark vehicle speeds at me. IIII
the final scenario. i’m in bed. i’m weeping. my wrists are bleeding and my stomach is empty. the pill bottle is too far. the razor is just out of reach. my only option is to wait. until i gain the energy to put my hair in two pigtails. to tie two yellow bows. to pull on my socks and buckle my mary janes. to slide into my baggy yellow sweater and clip my skirted overalls. before taking one shaky foot before the other. down the creaky stairs. out the squeaky door. into the street. where i wait. legs in front of me. chin the the heavens. eyes pressed shut.
-a dark vehicle speeds at me. IIIII
as the words tumble out of my mouth
i can hear the lies they are laced with
they are nice though
first lie: they.
because there is only She. there is only He. and if they ever dared to combine their powers the effect would be more than the mortal soul could bear.
second lie: are
there is nothing left of what they were anymore. there is only past tense when referring to the people who raised me. because whatever loving kind adults i was suppose to have left long ago, and who they were replaced with, well, you will find out soon enough.
third lie: nice
they love me. this i know. they are not, however, kind in any sense of the word. they are monstrous dragons who eat human hearts for the thrill. they are ravaging fires destroying the land of hope i once had. if there was a single nice thing about them, i would like to see it.
fourth lie: though
as if all they have done to me can be excused with a few soft spoken words. as if hearing that they are proud would make the abandonment alright. as if, despite all i have been through with them, they can resiliently shine through as golden guardians.
the fifth lie?
saying i won’t defend them tomorrow.
-please bear with is children from invalidating environments
don’t be fooled into thinking
the creatures of the light
are any safer for you
those are the ones that lust for your blood
the ones that crave the taste of flesh
don’t trust them
they will hold your hand
and try to love you
notice how cold their fingers are
notice how cold their hearts are
find them wandering through a blizzard
find them swimming through sour milk
find them in every place you once called home
-and watch them burn it in white hot flame
— The End —