To you whom
No one could hold a candle too...
To me
You let love come through ....
You needed someone
To take your pain.....
You were my Cain
And I was Able
I loved you

I see the words on the screen
Instantly forcing me to my knees
Face grimaced,,,every muscle tensed
Tremorring eyes bulged bloodshot
I'm slobbering,,,
Chest collapsed in my hand
Fist gripped so tight skin splits
And in the silence
Ten times worse

.........

.......
  

Nothing.........    


Stop ignoring me.  




This is madness

After what you told me

Love I love life ....
I love my.    
Self.. .
when I am with you...
Somewhat less
When I can't be...
Because of things unseen......
......Love.    ?
You know that life is created and based on memory
Some have bad some have good
I have a good memory.......
Which is not good ....
Because I have a lot of bad memories......
Which cause me to collect ...
........
things .
Like different things,
Like why did she say that..or
Out of character acts...
Why did she say it like that...
And especially why won't she say that ....when I triangulated the conversation.  In such a fashion
Then this phrase is the only way the convey what is being said ..
Instead she changes subject.....
Gets mad and reacts
...
I see patterns, tells,triggers ...
My mind is the only thing
I have to depend on to defend me...
Love .......I love you ....
I'm so very happy......
Loving life live with you.
Love making with you beautiful memories
Creating loving memories is the greatest part of my life.........
Integrated motivating me to generate positive frequencies ....
Living to be selfless and fully
Giving and encouraging......
Giving me courage and strength beyond my means .........
When you act indifferent to me ,say mean things and laugh at me.      
Leave me alone and ignore my messages.    
I hate me and the way I think and how humiliated I let myself get I torture myself
And the prospect of you loosing me doesn't seem to bother you a bit........I am the iconic catatonic wanna be your true love but will never be .......because you are perfect to me and i love you unconditionally and completely............... And that is I guess not how love works....unfortunate for me

If I could fly away I would . .
I should . ... ..
But will I ......
If I could be something else.....
I would become poetry ....
More specifically ......
Poems written about you
Using the perfect words placed perfectly which roll off the tongue like an ambrosial candy
Revealing everything beautifull
I see in you.........
Only for you to see how much you meant to me..........
And you just walked by looking for something better.......

735 different puzzles 1000 pieces each
Dumped out in a room with no windows
No visuals......
One clue .....every one placed
is a choice
When made illuminates a small handful of potentials you choose the next to layed.......
As each puzzle complete you see 735 puzzle pieces ........
Putting those together it will show the question that is you
Which I am the answer too.....
The picture is destiny
We fit perfectly
You complete every facet of me
And enhance everything
We stay equal.......
One is not above the other....
Agree to coexist as one
You make me beautiful
And full fill our promise as individual.....
It cannot be a mutual 50/50
To achieve greatness
It must be 100/100.......

If you don't give a hundred percent means you devalue the others commitment
As bitter roots establish
Strongholds ....
Your worries are being sold
To the subtle one
Increased vulnerabilities
Give beelzebub
Points of interest and  leverage
10 fold

So ........
The question you seak
Is in the answer you speak.
You want to be better than me?
Are you asking
Can I be
Or could I be...
I believe you could be
Let's see if you will be....
First reference to original statement
The answer is do what I do ...
I am not better than you because
I am better than you
Not because you believe I am...
I am better than you because
I CHOOSE to be.........
To be or choose to be is the new question
I'll use
To all who wake  up humanity

Ssssssssscccqqkauwwwwwissh
The gentle soft sand just flowed over my toes....
then under foot
Caressing my naked  skin
Back out to sea it goes ....
Sssssssssscccqqkauwwwwissshh...
Coral and nectarine colored sky
Casting my gaze up
squint
Cumulonimbus growing on the horizon
At the waters edge

First covered the foot
next went over the shin
Bring down the eyes I can't see
Sssssssccqquusaaaaaaawwwsssssssssshhh
Over the hip then dig in pulling me out to sea
Tides coming in
Sky is dark end
Long ways to safety
Wind kicked up going against me
Picking up sand
Abrasive
To say the least.....
Peruse the beach not a soul
All alone
Sqqqqqqquuuooooaaasshhh
Over the shoulders lifting me slightly
Panic
Soon as can touch running
Next wave coming
I ride as far and swimming as fast as I can then dive down all fours gripping the sand
Once the pulling ceased
And stand
Then do it again.....
Swallowing mouthfuls of saline choking
Collapse after reaching the shore
I hear beeping and someone  snoring...hit the snooze button
Almost time to go.......
These are what nights like when your anxiety peaks and you can't sleep .......
Until that first snooze
Then suddenly you're
Thirty ,forty five, .fifty four..
Groggy late for work once more fumbling the keys open the car door
Turn the ignition
Dead battery