Ssssssssscccqqkauwwwwwissh
The gentle soft sand just flowed over my toes....
then under foot
Caressing my naked  skin
Back out to sea it goes ....
Sssssssssscccqqkauwwwwissshh...
Coral and nectarine colored sky
Casting my gaze up
squint
Cumulonimbus growing on the horizon
At the waters edge

First covered the foot
next went over the shin
Bring down the eyes I can't see
Sssssssccqquusaaaaaaawwwsssssssssshhh
Over the hip then dig in pulling me out to sea
Tides coming in
Sky is dark end
Long ways to safety
Wind kicked up going against me
Picking up sand
Abrasive
To say the least.....
Peruse the beach not a soul
All alone
Sqqqqqqquuuooooaaasshhh
Over the shoulders lifting me slightly
Panic
Soon as can touch running
Next wave coming
I ride as far and swimming as fast as I can then dive down all fours gripping the sand
Once the pulling ceased
And stand
Then do it again.....
Swallowing mouthfuls of saline choking
Collapse after reaching the shore
I hear beeping and someone  snoring...hit the snooze button
Almost time to go.......
These are what nights like when your anxiety peaks and you can't sleep .......
Until that first snooze
Then suddenly you're
Thirty ,forty five, .fifty four..
Groggy late for work once more fumbling the keys open the car door
Turn the ignition
Dead battery

I love you intoxically...
Like a venom filled rig ....
You fill me with love
Like fire burning  colored gem's
Radiates me euphorically.
Then leave my mouth foaming copper acidic and green
Gut empty writhing
Toxic ............
Your mean ........
I can live without your love
But  not the pain .......
You are my ******
...my ******
.
.
Stay......


I need a fix

I'm fixiated


Fix me




Please .....






Why do I need you?

Let's forget about it.......
Fe pyre that so
Impedes me......
I wanna remember everything..  .
Re-live and regret .....
Burn it ...
Let's do some mescaline and swing from the mezzaning

Oh the eb and flow of love

. . .
Is so
I don't know
I guess intriguing?
When I'm in
Remove my skin .....
Let there be nothing
Between me ...
and what I'm feeling.......
When I'm out ..
Don't look at me
Help me ......
Tighten this tourniquet around my neck
I Don't want to feel these feelings .....
Don't want to feel anything
...

You will never see me ....
Not the way I see you...
I know that ...
Only because
.. there Can never be a desire as strong as that ...
No flame higher......
No place I would rather be
Lost in a passionate fire
I can never be found
Not in thought of you...
Forever I  love you..

How deep can I see?
Thats..........
A......
Uhhhm ......
Well look can you rephrase
Please.........
Oh.....f..k
OK why...
OK OK......I'll answer
Oh now you want honesty
Too?
You shouldn't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to.....
My depth perception is only d
As deep as the answer you seek.........
I know how deep I am ....
And the instant i feel inquisition
Im looking for the angle and who is going to be the beneficial recipient ....
Your the one leading the witness......
Play your cards right
We can do the fandango
**** me off.......
Let's not go there.......
The truth will set you free.
And truthfully it is the only way to be real........
Sometimes being set free seems like the end of the world to me.
Will I go to the question

(OK just a heads up
It's a long ways awY thing)

She said
"Look ,you say you love me....
Then just trust me I'm not goin to do anything  to intentionality hurt you."
.....
Seriously ?
Do you know how many different ways that could be read.......
Honestly to me....
that's a full blown confession.....
OK OK OK........
That's all I have to do ?
Is just trust you...?
That's all well and good....
In fact that's super easy .....
But what about all these anxieties, triggers and abandonment issues ,
Fits of jealousy and reading into everything being said to me
From all the years being used and confused so bad I have to question reality....
By the ones I loved and trusted unconditionally ?
Ohhhhhhh
....because it's you.  

OK love please dont yell at me when I say I love you.....
It hurts me.......


AND IM PROUD TO SAY TO ALL YOU I ACTUALLY SAID THAT .....
YUP CLEARLY AND LOUD......
Fortunately I said it in my head......
Uhhhm.........
Ya.................