When will the favorable
Winds blow my way again .
I wonder........
And I wonder.....
When will my vanity
And pride fall from my eyes,
Allow me to see the real me
I wonder .......
As I wander .........
I ponder on petty things....
The more I breathe
The less of me i see ,
Entombed within these
Walls made of masks
Portraying appropriate personalities ,
In different social settings,
The chameleon ,
Masquerading,
Machiavellian  .
Star lit charlatan.........
So many people I've been ,
Too many to ponder........
I really try not to....
Still I wander......
And as I do ....
I can't help but to wonder
Do people see me the way
I have wanted them to?
Some I do .......
Most I don't.....
Either way
Do or don't want to play
The part
Still just a Wanna be.
Lost in a fantasy......
In a sea of my dreams....
I walk upon the waters .......
Peacefully I gaze deeply
Down  at my reflection
I see my eyes reflecting the sky's....
And I wonder .........
A lonely tear distorts the vision
And as the ripples flow in each direction........
Dissipating in amplitude and frequency .........
Until I can't see ......
Still I believe if not for the shore
They will they go on ......
And the implication .......
Regardless intentions ,
Different dynamics,
Will view my deeds from different perspectives .
And tales will be told ,
The ripples you create.....
Radiate ....
From love ........
Can cause someone to hate
And .........
If you are not being you.....
How can you offer defense....
Only those you have completely fooled
Might believe you......
I see connection .........
You aren't judged how you feel.....
But by actions you do
Which reflect and refract
And with every act is a reaction
And it's true .......
Johnny Cash can tell you.....
"Bad news travels like wildfire.
Good news travels slowwweww.
They all call me wildfire,
Cause everybody knowwowos
Im bad newwwwws."
Every body want to .....
Believe rumours about you .
That way they feel a little better about    
What they do ...
And so I ponder in my minds eye..
Each disguise reflects certain aspects of the real me.
And if could actually remove all these masks ......
Who would I be?
The question continually haunts me.........
Who am I?




I wander in wanderlust
Drunken  on my memories.
Laced with my perspective....
I have to believe .....
Each masquerade ,
My intention for every role I've played........
Was to help someone see
You don't have to pretend to be someone your not
Just to fit in .....
Does that make me hypocritical?
I wonder ....

Can't count how many times..
I forgave you ,
For leaving me , bleeding ,
Offering me no atonement,
Laughing as my spirit died
I yearned for the grave...
I sacrificed and freely gave
Until my everything run empty...

Our want should not
Surpass our needs!
Prone to podsnappery ,
The term human race ,
Contrary to popular belief
Is not a  communal  competitive
Relay with the trophy of prosperity to all whomsoever
Shall win..... Infact there is no destination at all.
This gauntlet we run is tribunal!
Let me ask you this.......
Will "we" ever mean "all" ?
I mean it does when I say
We have to have something
To take the focus away from our deeds.
So the day we decided that we need a leader .......
Was a day of infamous treachery.
With our mouth  we said ,
"It is our wish to bow down and
Become followers......
In our hearts as individuals we said ," I don't want to be held accountable"!
My own heartbeat disturbs me
Like a muffled drum I hear the chant from everyone ,
So long ago ...... I guess it could be said that "our"ancestors  may have done some questionable things  .......
Listen ...... Not my family though ,
No!
And that's not me ......
We were on your side.....
Belief is in the eyes of the controller ....
Gass lit , "we "  "the people"
Pretend to be hypocrite,
eminent domain , manifest destiny!
Sons and daughters,
Mother's and father's elders and babies,
**** pillage and slaughter.......
Red man Blacks and Jews,
Just to remind you that even pedigrees have flees ....
"We" are nothing
As long as we follow the scapegoats bleats .
Sycophants in denial ,
We leave a trail of unimaginable grief ....... For what?
Money ? That isnt real!
Imaginary boundaries ?
"They" are different ?
"We" are better ?
Are we ?
Who are we?
I am me
Being different is what makes us the same.
Let's not try!
Let's "be" SAME TEAM"
It's my dream ..
I know I'm not the only one!

Indulge yourself ,
Drink from this cup
That Alice  just left me,
Do you see what I see?
I see me wondering why ?
Why do I create a third person
Within my mind ,
Only to view , silently .....
Me .
Looking spry and dressed well,
Giving the wisest council to broken hearted friends or family
Wellll I guess to anybody...
And almost simeoutanesly
In view of those people years in advance ,
Prospered well from it....
And discussing it amongst each other and my heart feeling
Vindicated by seeing the admirations from the third person.......
So why is it from my heart I see my mind as something great,
Full of wisdom and the humblest person I know ... I know lol.
With certain assets in certain aspects I can shine like the facets of a jewel ....
when my mind views my heart....
Long heavy sigh .......
It's a fool,
A tool,
Not cool .....
Slight left side drool .
I'm goin to sleep .
And then I think ....
Hmmmm
If I had another brain.......
It would be lonely.......

I sojourn  silently,
Under the indigo blue marquee ,
The Grand masquerade
That's me there ......
Crooked crown ,
Distant stare,
Wearing out my only mask
Upside-down frown,
tattooed tear under my left eye
Free.......
If only I could be ......
Free from this fractured lucidity
Licked by the leathery whips
Of yesterday's !
Belly laughing and joyful things
Obscure as time moves on...
But the secrets I keep
Never fade!

I suppose it could be said ive become an icon clast .....
While the shallow over egotistical continually impede ...
Saying slow down and look at the big picture ....
I see it clearly ....... Always ....
I'm frantically making adjustments and provisions ...
Augmenting what I can to align things so it becomes the way I want it to be.......
The problems lie in the fact that they can't recognize the effort or the outcome ..  

And so when I fall short .... There right there to tell me I ****** up.... Never knowing they were the reason why   . .
When I can find time.
Alone I cry.

Meanwhile  back at the bungalow.......we return to the disturbing scene,
The unsung hero
Off center ,struck a pose ,
Face grimaced ,
Still ,
Stoic ,
Alone ............
Not counting
Toys in the attic......
That and the carnage of collateral damage.......
Covered in the remains
Of bags he brought full of
Everything from morality to mortality,intentions,malignant vengeance .....and open ended scenarios fallen crest ego and
Self induced ticks and twitches
Wraught by  a lifetime of  
"shoulda said ,wished I woulda and coulda been "
All these ,
And all his family and friends
Pretend to be shocked at
Cationic  discontinued
***** boy they once counted on....
Gone   too far into his psyche
Burning the midnight oil
On how far can we
Leave behind the point
Of no return
To learn if it could be
A correlation to the feeling free...
Or is it a paved path into a
Wasteland he's hunting for
Anything that be more
Fulfilling than being high
Up on the watch tower .wondering why ....
Are they running and asking why


Alone
In the gloaming

Motionless.

Stoic
see me
Ground zero in the beginning
The faze of the  full moon caught in the eclipse of a maddening
****** of crows

A hidden  maelstrom grows
The quest continues...

Metaphorically

As  fractal tracks flow
Following the personified  Donnita Darko down rabbit holes
Underground she gives in to easily .......
Conditioned to believe
That domestication
Equals castration.....
Slips out before the train leaves the station........
On
Nocturnal  
Internal I go
We find
What I thought this entire time ...
The simple complicated truth
Is ..... This.......
Idk!