I wander in quandary,
Pondering on why
I want her... ...
I cant not lie
Her honesty,
sometimes hurts me.....
And every one I know
Says .  ...
She dont deserve me,
And the deeper I fall,
The harder I try,
The more I forget ,
The more I have to forgive   ,
The more she deserts me,
The less she respects,
And the less I see of
Her
The mortal wound,
I've learned
Is in the venom,
Of love,
Its irreversible,
It's in my soul ,
It never gets old,
I crave it ,
I love it ,
Its perpetual,temperamental
And although I know
Still it stay in
terminal

Limbo

Currently single,

Hey it's not by choice ......

I dont think ....

Idk?
Whats a poor boy to do
With all this love .
Waiting......
I gotta give it to ....
Well someone who....
....
Has .... An urgent need
Of a temporary love,
Only untill
My love calls and said she wants me....
I wonder if maybe ,
Shes stuck in the,same
Love game I'm in,
And its sad to think  ,
My temporary loves
Have said  the same
Thing
They're waiting for me.

The night was not odd...
It was still .....
And warm.....
There were rumours ...
Then again
When aren't they?
I walked briskly
Down the dark alley way
In the heart of the dragon
It smelled of strong whisky..........
And ******.  
A little risky..... ya......
Maybe ..........
Brave?...........idk
Foolish? ........
Definitely.
Some rules I could take.
This was a path I refused
Not to take!
The irony lies within the fact that I only took this journey after a good come-up ...
And carried a fat stack.....
Was I testing fate?
Or testing faith?
On these things........
I thought not .....
For I knew someone
Who didn't need me....
Depended on me......
And in truth ........
I loved him.......
An old janky  man in his
Mr goodwrench overalls fast asleep .....
On a Mac creeper ..
Under his jacked up chevelle.
Began to slowly roll
Towards the busy intersection below...
Like clockwork .
as I turnt the corner....
He was feet from disaster
Head first .....
I had to run faster
Than I thought I could go....
And dove
.......grasped his ankle.
My face cracked the pavement
Ill never forget it.  
Tires screeched .....
I lost consciousness ....
When I came to.....
The creeper mangled under a  car...
Which turned out had been stolen by a tweaker...
And the old blackman
I tried with my life to save.......
I still had a death grip on
One ankle...........
His body convulsing,
His eyes wide open .....
As if bewildered and fixed on me.....
Laughing hysterically .
Sitting on the sidewalk......
Saying ooooohwee bo
I thought fo shor
Yous gonna let me ta die...
Dammm you needs go to the gym or sumpin ..
Whoo....... I bouts  had a heart attack.........
I couldnt help but to cry...
I said you mean ....
You were awake?    
You "f"-n faker......
This is how we met ..
So many years ago....
I remember every detail...his response?
Unexpected.......yes ....
Brilliant ?
In the moment ...probably not....
Over time still dont know
But the impact.......
Epic .....immense.....
Absolutely  ...
Life changing.......
Maybe not for him ?
Maybe not to you ..
I guess it's a point of view
Zen puzzling piece of psyco-induced subliminal
Implanted military experimental type of thing .......
Maybe I was the Manchurian candidate and or Charles Bronson...
I had miles to go before I sleep.......... Yah?
No?
But maybe.......
Anyway he said ...
"Course I was awake ..
But I needed your attention.
And  bo........
you gonna do anything
THEN YOU GOTT TA
COMMIT ....! "
As he continued on ....
The words echoing off in my mind  ..
Drowned out his laughter
Sirens getting closer ....
The lumps of dividends
Bulging my pockets
Coming from some opportunistic origins.  
Gave me a genuine angst ...and the gangsta style side of me leant over gave him a firm brother shake
Looked him hard in the eyes .......
One nod .....
Said , cn you walk ?'
He said " course .I.
The rest.of his words faded quickly   something caught my periphery
The tweeker running from the sceen......
Leaving an overstuffed backpack.  I said good
pulled him up said
Wait !
but be ready !
As the cars caught fire
I was in the puddle  
Picked up the pack......
And .......barely....
It was heavy.....
The orange glow behind
Kicking my heels felt charming and the coral and peachy colors painted this experience with such a beautifully
Bizarre hue
It was simply an unexplainable feeling.
Well except the fire on my feet that had tossed upp to the heavy layden
Backpack.....
That was uncomfortable..

,



You could trace the

This is the night that the lights went out on me.
The fatal sight mine eyes
Could never unsee.
Giver of life ,
Most trusted confidant,
My Queen......
My love my truest friend,
I will spend a life time
Still never comprehend ,
Why this had to be..........
lost in contemplation
Of
Inevitable aftermath  
In preparation trying to brace myself against
imminent impact.
Taunting me I sat ,
And sunk hauntingly into
A maelstrom of fears and trepidation. .........
Without her who will I be?
Awakened from dissolution by a refreshing icy cold slap in the face.    
My mind's eye dipped into an acid bath ......
Emerged bereft of selfish filters ........and brought clarity that is not my time ,but Hers .....and it is but a vapour now ,
Precious and fleeting with a quickness .........
I pushed all negative thoughts to the horizon of my mind ....
So I could take events in stride
Although in doin so
I knew ,and did my best
To hide .....
This the beginning of the end of me
From this I cannot mend
The epitomy of melancholy
I was chosen as her ring man and accepted gratefully.
Managed her corner to the best of my ability...
The best moments of my life and shall forever be..
Yet I'm still haunted ......
And the sharply narrowing of the fields of what we wanted.........
Ever loomed ....vamping my energy.
Undaunted,
her opponent advanced
Relentlessly......
My chest heaves hands tied .....
Broken..
I fall to my knees
Severed forever my last tether
To humanity.
Most elegant warrior I have ever seen.
Knowing me
Could console me!
Sophisticated and obnoxious
Said her hair wasnt red ....
It was strawberry blonde
A little piece of insight.  
Known to nary run from a fight ......
Broke me fatters jaw ...
And me uncles too ..
On their wedding night...
None the less.......
And with such mischievous elegance
With the heart of a leprechaun
Hard not to say
She was simply complicated. .............
I marvel in the way
Her beauty still hasn't
Faded from me
epicenter of happiness and all that was good in me ....
She was my everything
Same hood,
Same team,
Understood ..... Completed me
The only one who truly loved me .
The lost champion ,
My lost companion ,
Savagely beaten to death
While I could only stand by and watch helplessly.
And in disbelief
Stroked her hair ,.....
Held her gently
And  the world lost all of  its humor, charm  and meaning.
As she breathed out and left me...with just  her body...in my arms
On new years eve.
And the silence is still maddening from the
No reply
As ...I  ...am faced with this insanity
As we became I put both her hands on my face
Cried quietly Mamma
Please don't leave me..
Rest in peace Mom I love you....
Her opponent?
Non small cell squamous
Lung cancer.

As my world burns ........
This....episode...the lost love......
I . .....scene 1.
As the crestpucular rays .....
One by one  
Fracture thick brooding  horizon.....
With a lascivious quickness
Devoured the darkness.......
For a brief moment.
A rare ......
Precious glorious brief moment .....  
Before reality set in .....
I barricaded every pathway
Held it with my life...    
As I lay there on that beach ...the cool refreshing waters....gently  
Caressed my bare feet......
I watched without a single thought ......
Slowly.......and like it shall ever be........
Dull views began to ripen ..the dew and wet rock glistened .  
I watched .....
I listened......I heard Spanish musica .....
I smelled the ocean...
I heard a whale breach spitting mist.....the a low crushing splash........
I could hear the sand under water  sanding the ocean floor ...I watched  
I viewed as
Charged particles emmited from the nuclear fission still twinkling touch down after millions of mile journey.........
Instantly caused colors to bloom and .....the warmth layed on top of me like a giddy girlfriend.......
I smirked...
..a tear of great
Humbling greatfulnes .....
Like a fat happy dollop of honey dropped off my chin .......
A hot seductive wind ......came in
Overwhelming with the smell of paella.......
The fragrance of a small handfuls of fresh saffron......and I swear I could taste warm sangria......
Empty minded ..I lay there and smiled    ....an almost feeling as though embarrassed to have all this lavished upon me........
Undeservedly...
....... I heard an albatross .....

Barricade cracked  ..... My mind .... Started to  force me to think .....
I heard a gunshot........
Saw clouds ...... The wind breezed sand into my ears.....
The colors faded .......... The water was freezing ...... And smelled like death ........ My breath stank ....... I felt a raindrop.......
My body felt heavy ..... My chest hurt ........
I looked up ......  
Lightning cracked through the sky ..........
Just one thought .....
At first ........ One.
Just ............
Who am I .......
When the thunder exploded above my ...... I saw .......
The blood........
My eyes  rolled back .........
Involuntary
Flashback.........
Too many questions answered at once .........

And I was back at the ranch.......
I could smell gunpowder    
And the thunder clap ....couldn't escape the canyon.............
That dam albatross .........
Albatross ......
Brought me back from the flashback.......
Im alive ........
Am I still me.....
Where am i?
How...am. I....?
.how di...d
I.... ......
Paranoia like a murderous nervous unfamiliar house guest.....
Sinking in      
The albatross and another ......chimed in ......... As I lay there paralyzed.......
Little poisonous   pieces of memory.....
An Im terrified......
Thinking ......
Thinking ....
Thinking
Where is she.....
Does she know     I'm alive?
Does she know .. where ..  sky's black and grey waves out of rythem and foamy.......
Another lightning flash . Hits the sand right in front of me .......
Just behind ......... Her .... Her makeup smeared ... Face grimaced.... Soaking wet ..
.lifts an axe ..... Screams and swings at my head ........
Just as the blade....
I'm alone again ........ I'm ... In my bed.......

I hear a voice clearly it says.....0
Meanwhile back at the ranch......
...........................

Fickle ,
Unpredictable,
Random ......
The simply complicated state of zen......
It is what makes it so blissfull.......
Unwell wishing for some .......
At the other end .
Of the spectrum.
No use tryin to hide the pink streaks     ....
Like acidic streams
Cutting caverns down through my puffed cheeks....
The saline
Leaks .....
From my eyes....
Stings ........
Dreams .....
Lofty ....wonderfully
Thought of
Dreams .....
Beautiful sanctuaries.....
A place to hide and smile .........
POISON ....
They can be
Like walking down a slightly sloped ..oily
Razor blade.....
Dreams  .......
Have them love them . ....
By all means ..
Never fall in love with them ......
Never  fall in love with them
...........
POISON
......
IMPRISONED

Oh so now you wanst ta talk....
I don't suppose this has anything to do with your new boo ....
Telling you to kick rocks?
Ok let me ask you this ?
Have you natured enough to
Listen ?
Oooooo k.....
Remember at the end of show....
You said why
Don't you ever have my back....
And I said ..... I always have .....
Not when you're being faulty ......
Because you and me are good....
Me and faulty ...
Naw  I don't want to get hemmed up cause a you.


I don't need any partners for that ****...
I'm tryin to look legit.

Get it