Crazy how time flies but the pain never seems to die, crazy lies and bitter cries.  Realize that my baby never really dies. Because it saw the shame in my eyes. Bitter war cries, did the devil make him do it, he wanted to be mine he knows he couldn't. I didn't love him that way, for that I never cared to give him any of my time. He wasn't mine but I was his, run away? Did he feel ashamed? Is that why he wouldn't let me run away? I packed my bags, his fist were raised. In the rage I felt his pain, shoved me hard against the wall. "Are you ******* insane....!!! "He cornered me that's were I remained, don't move I though. Don't ******* breathe, if he don't think your dead. He'll make sure you at least bleed, cry out! Call for help please, he laid me down and said soft and sweet "you'll never have to worry, I'll take care of everything." A cup in one hand my thoughts in the other. I thought is he trying to be the perfect lover. I never wanted him, he was like a big brother, suppost to keep me safe. Made sure no one got in the way, but he wasn't so new to this crucial game. I was the first victim that he kept tamed, kept from escape. Hidden from the light and into the dark I fade. He wanted ***, But I didn't want to be his slave a teenage girl not in my middle age. I wanted to live a normal life. Where in the picture I wasn't just a typical house wife. Get my own ****, I could if I wanted. My body was never something I flaunted, ashamed of it, I was always taunted. Boys were impressed the girls wanted, I was an okay kid not a barbie or polly pocket. With girls my age who had no knowledge. Pretty mature girl, they all thought.  I wouldn't let them in because I fought. I never thought in my life, dealing with ******* I always had to thrive to stay alive. Keep swimming to survive,  I fought all my life. Not to be put down and labeled, just a temporary timeline.

Who was I to love you.
Who was I to care.
Who was I to help.
Who was I.
Yelling, telling me you love me, with your vicious words.
Snatched me with your anger wrapped around my throat.
I smiled at you, with a broken heart.
I forgave you, with a blind over my eyes.
I kissed you, with fear of my life.
My tears appeared like the cuts on my arm.
They burned with anger,hate,hurt they poured and dripped.
Like the rain when mother nature crys.
For all the beautiful things and life she created
Just for everyone to **** it, she had to watch it all die.

It eats me alive,  this sudden urge to just want to die. End it all, give them a call, tell them "with both of you I had hope." Thoughts of children,  flooded my mind. When my beautiful baby was taken by that time. I wanted to wake up and pretend it was lie, deny I ******* cried. I remember the night you were with my family drinking, I was in the room overwhelmed to much thinking. Just like you I was drinking, the bottle of ibuprofen laid there calling my name, taunting me. He doesn't want you, your a part of his game. No it wasn't the pills or *****, it was the devil calling my name. I wrote you a note, how I loved you so. I couldn't give you kids, I didn't want to live alone. The devil he was willing to give me a home. Ready for the next step I laid down, knowing if I was  alive or not I'd soon be found. You came in smiling alcohol on your breath, I smiled at you weakly seeing your face. I put my hands around your face and just cried and smiled. You seen the notebook sticking out from under the bed, I tried to take it but I couldn't. The pain in your eyes is what hurt me the most, it made me think I didn't deserve you. That I'm nothing, you pulled me up and stuck your fingers down my throat.  I'm still here, you saved me when I wanted nothing but you. While you search for different for better, but I'm simply for no one. I ******* hate that I'm a jumbled mess, I wanted love and respect. But **** me right! I guess. But non the less your sitting happy while I'm a wreak, beautiful lies and big regrets.  I AM NOTHING BUT ANOTHER NAME.  To your regretted list a beautiful bliss, a tragic miss. Crazy how it all started with just one kiss.

I said "hi", kissed him goodnight
He loves my voice, but did I hear him right.

On a silent night, crazy fights.
Blue sky quiet bright, fading lights.

Dazing crazy, fluttering that hates me.

A boy who dates me is it kinda crazy, who are you to be amazed by me.

Finding something that doesn't concern you.

Looking for something that can't be found.

A love lost outer zone, a frizzy mess in complete distress.

Finding searching are you lost, looking for guidance, I thought you were your own boss.

Total loss, fabricated love we are not the swans nor doves that represent, shall we say true love.

We are the bitter black tar, give me a flame, I'll give you hell.

Give me your heart, I'll show you my love.

Give me a disaster, I'll give you a bliss

Running all the scenarios in my head. Feels like that love lines dead. Forbidden, unsaid we don't talk about that. ***** secrets, awful lies. They'll all catch up corner you, like a lost child. Beat you with guilt, **** you with honesty. Cry you a river? No no... that's to cliche. To demanding?
To hurtful,  "oh I'm sorry my love."
Forgive and forget, forgive this forget that. Remember this you never missed, not with the kisses but the hits. Bruises of all colors, shapes and sizes. Accident you said "sorry, forgive me." Forget that, try to sing forget the rings. Are they kings? True and honest, I love you not for your wealth. But for your well being. Selfish I thought, now not. A crazy little lady who thought of cute little babies. Went a little crazy her head was hazy, vision was dazy. Her body felt lazy, no not a baby just perfectly crazy.

You never seem to go away your a rusty stain that never fades your the bitter odor of lust full lies and a loveless relationship we hug we snuggle and kiss this is love or is this how the script goes if you force yourself to see lies as love trust and believe it could be done

I am who I am and that's possibly someone you cant stand, someone you wont be able to demand and command Im someone who won't fall in line I was so naive than finally learned how to open my eyes I'm more important my time is more valuable than having someone for a few hours to be between my thighs I can lie say I had a good time but why spare your feelings when you didn't care to spare mine why am I giving my time to someone who spoon fed me little white lies to many guys who jumped up and down telling me what a real man is when they still live at home have money for this and that but didn't have money to pay your phone and that's why you can't call me back what's the real reason for that am I just your after lunch snack **** that keep those little memories because I ain't ever going to want you back remember all that **** you talked and how you'd fight me for loving you than,when your phone rang and you were with, just a friend, after the calls are over, its all eyes on me, but you couldn't tell anything that, it's just you and there was no we and now you can't see, it's just you, and than it's just me, I so try again, remembered I'm only a friend.

I am a girl
Not "nice ****."
Not " those pants looks good around your ***."
Not "Hey, ***** don't you see me talking to you!"
I am a girl
Not your entertainment of ****** desires.
I am a girl
Not "someone who was made for you."
I am a girl "Who, you're just not ready for."
I am a girl but I'm a survivor!

It feels smooth like ice
It pours like *****
It smells like metal
It stings like a bee
Only slightly a burn
I want more
I want to feel that empty void
I play with it like a childs toy
It was always my favorite
The metal was always cold
After the mess is made all my pain melts away
My only satisfaction is the dark red that stains the floor
Like blood on a white fresh t-shirt

It's funny how you say you love me, but the only way you show it is when your above me. Funny day, funny time, funny life and a funny way to show me you care. You love me, anyone can say it and not mean a **** bit of it. Funny huh?

A loop full of consistencies and inconsistency's
a cycle of love lust and hate
we swear we'll never love again the pains are to much to bare
than again your getting ready for your next new date
what happened to giving yourself a break
well now that's to late
onto the next
you easily let them in right past your gates
a little too soon
don't you think
you should wait
it's better now than never
why stall if you feel everything's right
Settle a date
Tie the knot
but no
Imma give myself time
Only a few hours past and your making sure everything is perfectly timed
sweating off your masterpiece that took over what seems to be forever
What will it matter when the new paint you got to change the painting that never really changes
When the painting you try to change is forever permanent

Its hard to think about things when they weren't so great it's hard to miss people who never cared about you a bit it's hard to be alone when that's all you've ever been it's hard to think about certain memories it's hard to think that on that day it felt like I had everything and now here today I'm once again alone stuck in my head nothing but my thoughts and tears comfort me in my bed why is it that we aren't aloud to stay with the ones we once came to know and now here you are all alone

No matter what I do it seems like there's nothing to impress you
all you love to do is stress me out and get in my face
and down my neck about the invisible people
you always tell me about
how you cant trust me then why do you stay
Why would you stay
If it's a constant fear a monkey on your back
While cause your own problems
When nothing's wrong I would love it if we could always get along
But you noice the peace
The bliss and joy we're having
As you stop and catch yourself your search for something to go off about
Search for something this **** this up something to break us off
This pain and ache I constantly feel
And think why do you stay
Why wouldn't you go
If this is a loveless love
Theres nothing were in holding onto
There's nothing here anymore
To say its not here anymore is and understatement
Because I truly would never know
I wouldnt be surprised if you dragged me along
Just because I was a trinket you paraded to your friends
Call me out of the room
Say we have company

what am i truely to you reeled me in with your bate was only supposed to only be a  first date but was it fate kissed me held my hand now i have the great pleasure of calling you my man but do you feel as if we’re compatible or am i just another one of your fans in the stand waiting to be noticed but knowing i could'nt possibly have a chance given in advance gave you honestly on a silver platter who did you ******* and betray to turn out this way why am I being punishing  for the the ones before me

Being alone was nothing new to me
day in and day out always by myself
didn't have anybody but my shadow
with every passing hour and every new issue that occurs I'd always wonder is there something more
is there somewhere I'm needed
Someone who needs me funny I thought to think this and said no that really couldn't be
Because how could I ever be a need
Something special in someone's life
When I couldn't be special in my own eyes
Thought there's no way someone could ever need me
Because there just couldn't be
But the day finally came
But it wasn't a person
But he was my little person
Just the most special little guy
He had so much personality
He was so smart sweet and loving
And I knew what it felt to be special to someone
To have someone special
With every morning till night came
I couldn't believe the sadness and loneliness I finally overcame
And just like that in a blink of   an eye I discovered a new type of depression,sadness, anger and loneliness
The type of pain I felt when this little angel left my life
Was and always will be so unbearable
I never felt love like that
And I don't think I'll ever feel it again but I'm happy I had him when I did and I'll never forget him my pupus

Hey, strange girl with the colored hair.
Hey, strange girl with the piercings.
Hey, strange girl why so quiet.
Why so cold.
Why so dark.
Why does it seem like every time you talk you fall apart.

Such a shame he's a coward that's all he is and yet he claimed to be more claimed to be the one who's always there claimed to be the one who always cares but it was nothing more then a meticulous lie claimed to be the one to always be by my side but it was a lie a lie used to many times a lie that began to lose the meaning of being a lie it was so discombobulated that it was nothing no more such a shame he's a coward a shameful scared ***** in disguise a ***** in distress he was the one i trusted to bring to my family and he turned everyone of them against me non the less now here I am finally all alone and nope no one at my side and no place to call home such a shame he's a coward a ***** in destress what a waste of time non the less well at least I've got myself yes my shadow stays closely by my side I've got myself but in this life that's all we truly have we'll come in alone and go out alone we only have ourselves truly be good to yourself don't let anyone contradict your self wealth if no one will show you do it yourself

the tendency to feel the need to be 10 steps ahead to keep myself safe and everyone else just to feel like I'm keeping myself  safe and sane the tendency to apologize for everything and anything including the things that are completely out of my control knowing **** well the ones who should be apologizing never will so why not do it that's all I ever known taking the fall, accountability, being the scape goat that's my tendency for being a decent ******* person yet I'm treated by everyone like I've done something wrong the only wrong I've ever done was trust be kind decent to the wrong people thinking there could be good in everyone being naive putting trust care time into those who were patiently waiting for the moment they knew they had me where they wanted me that's when they would strike always catch me completely off guard then I'm in shock I'm stuck I'm in disbelief I'd say are you ******* kidding me no not you too why and then in the end I'm always alone just as i started nothings changed nothings new nothing hurts I'm okay no thanks anyways you too stay safe have a good day no matter how much time goes by at least I still have myself always faithful by my side

You were mines I was yours. I loved so much that I had to walk out the door. As you fell on the floor saying not a word. Watch the door close. Don’t bother waiting I’ll come back no more. Yelling why when you caused it all. You were upset I blocked the call. No more I said leave me alone. You can keep calling it’ll still only be the dial tone. Don’t pretend it was just me ha wanna be? Please don’t forget all I’ve done because even in my life. I always put you first when I was at my worse. You made it your calling to put me under. Because no matter how much you expressed your love. You treated me as if I were your enemy.

Funny how they are quick to call people out for playing the part and try to be the victim and state but this is different because right right you put in effort to fight and stand to serve your right this is the played out scene a shameful annoying sight hypocrites aren't they such a delight thanks but no go bore someone else with your *** backwards debate I gotta iron the dinner plates and bath the TV it's getting late

Can you help me
I think I’m lost
Can you help me
What's it gonna cost
Can you help me
A helpless moth
Can you help me
All I need to do is follow you home
Can you help me
I’m nothing more than
A garden gnome
Can you help me
I can’t find my way home
Your diffrent now your tone scares me
I’m all alone
I’m far from home
I’m scared
Help me
I think he's the one to seal my tomb
Disregard my pleases for help
I’m home
Forever resting
So much I wish I done
But I was to busy stressing
Now it's to late
Is what I'm guessing
I'm happy I learned my lesson
But the session already ended

Feeling everything on the inside, while feeling numb on the outside. To wear a mask I just stay quiet the more quiet you stay the more you'll see your not the only one who wears a mask at times when its needed maybe just convenient maybe its your armor and with it you feel the safest no matter the situation or the case at hand we all have choices but with this gift I know you wouldn't really care about what I said. So I saved my little bit of hope and lots of dread. I guess I rather be here unsaid, then lying in the dirt dead

Some people aren't worth dying for not even crying for empathizing or sympathizing for sometimes they give you trouble you know burst your bubble Hold You Down when you struggle and then after that expect cuddles and snuggles but instead theres fights blood and trouble rethink do a double because at the end of the day it's me they leave in the ruble in a puddle of my own life

it's all inevitable everything is bound to happen things happen to good people yes it could be you yes it does happen and no matter what you still go on like nothing ever happened that's what's bound to happen its inevitable if you ever healed or recovered from the damage of events doesn't matter and it won't matter time doesn't stop for anyone it sure as hell isn't going to stop for you it's inevitable who gives a **** about the stories the traumas the worry's the sorrows the troubles why bother bring anything up why stay stuck in the past if everything was so ******* bad why remines in somewhere if that's what you remembered not even wanting to think about yet we go back and backtrack or remines its the oddest of things to do but whatever the reason its highly *** backwards we all die at some point and we'll be a thing of the past we will not be remembered we'll be urban legends we'll be the example of bad habit we'll be the person who you just so happen to cross paths with and now there on the news reports of a body being found unidentified nobody was found no name no identification no one no one will be missing no on anyone who'll worry or wonder about perfectly no one

It's always a war as I constantly fight myself. I'm trapped and I don't know how to get out. I'm lost and I can't find my way. I'm a unwanted stray with no owner, no tag and no name. As unwanted as a uninvited guest. But you brought me home, you loved me.
You hurt me, you killed me. You gave me everything you promised you'd never be. Thanking you for being another perfectly dressed lie.

It doesn't seem to matter how much I do I always do so much to a point I over work myself and feel so tired that I fall asleep standing or sitting up and I get yelled at and I am expected to do more and more I'm only one person I can only do so much and everyone takes me for granted everyone says they love me they care and say they'll always be there for me and that's not the case they all lie they all only want me for what I can offer and give then they leave and treat me like **** and make me seem like I'm a bad person