Since we met,
a day has not gone by



Where I do not think of you.

Something about this city,
Like amnesia,
You forget me here.

I don't know how you hold this flame
How you can cradle it without singeing
Your fingertips tickle my skin
Calluses rising and falling,
Rough and smooth
Like your passion
Makes my knees weak
And sparks fears of the unknown
Of trails blazed on my very flesh
Of innocence stolen and mangled
Of mines set like switches, triggers

But still you hold my flame.
And though you mistake this fear,
Think it is one of your creation,
Still you cradle.
You don't deserve this.
I don't deserve you.

It's been storming since I got back
Raining enough to turn streets to rivers
And the air
Like trying to breathe in cotton *****
All sound muffled by water coating every surface
It's like sitting under one of those weighted blankets
And I'm grateful, I think
Because while I'm not one for physical affection,
I feel wrapped in a prolonged embrace

It is when the night comes
And the temperature dips
And the air does not feel so heavy anymore
That I realize just how empty this bed is.
Your half, cold and so shriekingly strikingly void
Threatens to swallow me up like a black hole
Throwing me into nothingness

And sometimes I let it
Let the buzzing numbness wash over my chest
Relief from lungs squeezing out every bit of air
Like my sorrow is a cloth to be wrung out
Yes. Absence is preferable.
But not yours.

But maybe I'll get lucky,
And the clouds will hold vigil
And the rain will still sing
And the sky will continue to fall
Until you come home again.

Weightless,
Like a feather blown in the wind.
Path uncertain
Future undetermined,
I am at the whim of the breeze.
Take me away.

And then I realized
Maybe you aren't worth the pain.

This is me
With my hands over my ears
Eyes squeezed shut
Humming sweet lalalalalalalullabys to myself
Rocking back and forth
In the fetal position.

This is me falling asleep with the TV on
This is me hoping it's just a nightmare I'll wake up from
This is me holding out for a hopeless cause
This is me on a bad day

Thank any god that's out there
It's my first bad day in weeks.

Illuminate me.
Reach your fidgeting, fiery fingers
Into my lungs
Take hold of the hollow nighttime
That hides in my ribs
         Call it by name.

Look in my eyes
When you snap your fingers

And set me on fire.

I am the starfish
That has secured itself tightly to your back.
Parasitic, I use your strength to steady me.
Clinging tightly,
Fearing the outgoing tide.
Don't let me be swept out to sea
Don't reach your strong, calloused fingers
Behind your back to pry me away.
Don't leave me for the rip current.

I know you're growing weary.
I can taste the blood risen under your skin.
Even if I lose all grip,
Muscles cramped from the strain,
I'll still leave my marks behind.
Branding you.

You'll be free, lighter even
But all who see will know,
The round in your shoulders bore the burden
So named Anxiety

He told me
When we stumbled to the end of our path
And parted ways
That he would have written for me
Had I asked
And while I reject the concept
Of having to ask for forced dedications,
I still wonder
What he would have written.

It's coming.
I know because I can feel it in my gut.
This sick sense of certainty cannot be wrong.
I can feel your decision
And the guilt that comes with it
Clawing it's way up my shins
Scratching the backs of my knees until they drip of sweat
Digging out all the hope,
Leaving its poison behind.

Nausea and numbness are all I know.
Not matter the jokes you try to make to lighten the atmosphere,
I am still lost in this dread
Where I'll be left wandering long after you leave me.

Unfinished conversations
Like holding your breath
Playing the waiting game

You are that feeling of weightlessness
Right before I fall asleep
A cloudy, comforting sensation
Like when Mom used to tuck the covers around me
That high, yet drunk, and let me see how long I can hold on to this
Kind of feeling

Heavy eyelids and haze
Surrounded by a halo of bliss
Glowing. Luminescent.
Every exhale floating higher
Melatonin overload

No fear of what dreams may come.
Weightless.
Promise to grab my string before I blow away?

Five minutes of your time
Five minutes of mine
But I'd give every minute leading up to these moments
To make them last just a little longer.
Just one more sentence.
One breathless "I love you. "
Something to reassure this heartsick brain that's been burned before
Still showing scars from the last arrangement like this.
Just one more minute to tell my racing heart
There's no need to be afraid
And the lurking darkness she's trying to outrun
Is merely an illusion.

Just, just
Five minutes, then -
Do
      Do
            Do.
Call ended.

They say I deserve better.
                  I can't say I agree.

Here I am
Still hanging on every word


Even after the floor dropped out from underneath

I thought I was growing tall,
Making progress,
Even if that meant outgrowing you.
Turns out those pains weren't growth at all
They were cracks in my foundation,
And all it took was one taptaptap from you
To make me *snap

It's hard to remember sometimes
That the world doesn't see you through rose tinted glasses like I do.
So when I encourage you to chase after your dreams,
I can't help but feel responsible
When they laugh at the way you run

How strange, to stand with our feet touching the same wave

I came to the ocean to forget about you
Especially at night
On nights like tonight
But here you are

And I can't help but think of how I came here to forget you
And I indulge in the thought that maybe
Just maybe there's nothing to forget right now

But then your phone DOOT doot DOOT doots
And it's her. Calling you.
******* her.
You ******* her
You calling her name out
Her calling yours
and it's tumbling out on the locked drawer in my brain
All protection I had built up
Crumbles like the sand I'm digging my toes into
Hoping tears don't come to my eyes
But they do

And suddenly everything is glassy and I can't come up with the correct responses and you know it and I'm trying to keep my breathing even and slow and I'm spiraling down like a whirlpool and I wish I could just lay down in the tide without ruining my clothes and just float away.

But I can't do that.
So I don't.
I don't know what it is about her and you and me
That has me unraveling at any mention,
But it's still too painful to sit down and analyze.
So for now, I'll settle for falling asleep with the TV on,
Trying to stop myself from wondering who you're thinking about
As you fall asleep at night.

It's dark here
Thick like velvet
Smothering, almost.

And you're not here.
Promises, fidelity broken
And here I am
Alone.

No you.
No us.
Just me.
And silence.

Somehow you dragged me onto your stage
And our personal narrative somehow became entertainment
A Saturday night special in line for review
By the very people I fear most
Your peers
And dropped lines like
"You need to love yourself"
And "why didn't you tell me you were bringing her?"
Become my crimson A of shame
It is on this stage
I can finally see
That my daydreams have become the stuff of nightmares
My worst fears of being judged
Come true.

I'm walking to work
And you're falling through the sky
But that's just life, right?

Your efforts are a comfort,
But I must take care not to
Wind myself up in them, not again.
No more making nooses from the tangled web of promises.
No more lassos of hope,
For they cannot catch the wind.
And even if they could,
Wouldn't that destroy the very purpose of the breeze?
To halt movement,
To ensnare freedom itself
To trap you in love
I couldn't.

Now is the time for observing from a distance
For putting in my twenty-five cents
To the coin operated viewer
And walking away when the time runs out.
No more waiting,
No more wishing on stars,
Time to walk down the boardwalk,
And see what's really in front of me.

He carries his sadness on his shoulders
Little white lines
Hidden beneath his sleeves

There is something in the play of your eyes
A mischievous glint
A promise of laughter
A whisper of guilt
A threat of tears

Something in the way you move
Like you could be diving into the perfect somersault
Or in front of a bus
Every movement
Like it could be your last

Something in the quiet of your breathing
On nights when we shared the same bed
Something about how you reached for my hand
Even in sleep, present
Peaceful yet turbulent
Your body couldn't stay still.
Even in unconsciousness, restlessness took you from bed
To roam the house at night

More and less
The Paradox

With every sunset
I can see more clearly
That I was the one holding the rope
I was the one stealing your air

I am the reason I'm alone.
But I'm not the only one.

Two broken things don't make a whole.

Sometimes, you just know
And you don't want it confirmed.

Broken promises.
All it was amounted to
Was a string of broken promises.

I have a horrible tendency to take things too personally
To the point of tears and anger and losing my temper to the Aries hiding in my chest.
I cling tight to past wrongs and embarrassments, much longer than I suppose I should.
I criticize to the point of cruelty, a dark narrative of flinging insults from one lobe to another,
But don't worry, I get my fair share.
I judge more often than a public servant, and my sentences are always strict.
I wage war on a social anxiety that is, was, and always will be myself,
And even if the anxiety recedes, the weariness of battle ensures a losing result.
I live to escape the life I'm living;
In the stories I read, I am the brave one, the right one, the fearless daredevil:
I exercise regularly, do back flips as a hobby, and have no fear of microphones.

I talk entirely way too much about myself.
Give me a crisis and I'll make it about me.
Tell me you're having a hard time right now,
And it'll somehow be my fault.
If it's not my fault,
It'll somehow become about how my relationship with my mother has deteriorated to me listening to her last voicemail to me two years ago
Or how I fell through the rotten floor of our trailer when I was nine.
Can't think of a subject? I'll just talk about myself.
Don't believe me? Just read this poem.

Sometimes I remember what it is to be a muse.

And for that,

I am sorry for the pain I've cause you here.

There are no words
None that I could find
And I've been searching for a while
To describe the relief
Of being loved,  maybe even adored,
Despite how sticky with tar my soul is.

Sometimes it is enough just to be near you
Within proximity of your smile and laugh
I am in silence,
But I know, somewhere nearby,
You're amidst all the noise,  
All the life
And it makes me feel just a little bit stronger.

Life at the bottom of a poisoned well
Can be soothing sometimes
The dim weight,
All that water
Makes for a comforting blanket.
No sudden movements,
No loud noises to shake me.

But there are days
Days like today when all I want is a breath
A gasp of that green breeze
Warm with sunlight
So my lungs can finally feel full again.

There's no fighting that water though
And even if I could,
There's not enough strength left in these withered limbs
To break through the shimmering glass above

So I lay here.

Life at the bottom of a poisoned well
Can be soothing sometimes.

Like her mother,
Her desires before her children.

It continues.

You're going to forget me this fall.

But I'll remember.

Words mean nothing
If they do not have the power to compel trust.

So when you recount what you said,
You're asking me to trust you twice as much.
First, that what you're telling me is true
Second, that what you told her is the truth,
That both things come from the same, honest place.

And trust,
              Trust came be a very,
                         Very scary thing.



I don't know if I'll always be able to make that jump.

I stretch my hand out
Red with warm, healing heat
Burning up from my gut
Supercharged by my longing heart

You're just within reach
Let me touch you.

Held, warm, breathe it in
Sleeping on the forest floor
Waking up with you

I know your frame
Too well
For you to be
Just a face in the crowd

"I can't wait"
You know what, love?
I call *******.

And then I realized,
I wasn't okay yet after all

Silence, the only thing in the world that's "ours" anymore.

And this is where the fairytale begins to fall apart.

Because when "someday" becomes "never," you'll keep wishing on stars

The sun is shining
But it's still dark in my head.