There is something in the play of your eyes
A mischievous glint
A promise of laughter
A whisper of guilt
A threat of tears

Something in the way you move
Like you could be diving into the perfect somersault
Or in front of a bus
Every movement
Like it could be your last

Something in the quiet of your breathing
On nights when we shared the same bed
Something about how you reached for my hand
Even in sleep, present
Peaceful yet turbulent
Your body couldn't stay still.
Even in unconsciousness, restlessness took you from bed
To roam the house at night

More and less
The Paradox

I am the starfish
That has secured itself tightly to your back.
Parasitic, I use your strength to steady me.
Clinging tightly,
Fearing the outgoing tide.
Don't let me be swept out to sea
Don't reach your strong, calloused fingers
Behind your back to pry me away.
Don't leave me for the rip current.

I know you're growing weary.
I can taste the blood risen under your skin.
Even if I lose all grip,
Muscles cramped from the strain,
I'll still leave my marks behind.
Branding you.

You'll be free, lighter even
But all who see will know,
The round in your shoulders bore the burden
So named Anxiety

A cliché I've heard before
One that hits the sternum
And knocks your breath out.
And now it applies to me.

A loving friend pointed it out to me
Handed me her glasses and said,
"Take a better look, love."
And she was so right.

Seeing it clearly
For the first time in what feels like years
I know the truth,
What you see in me.

An option you don't want to lose
But will never make a priority
Above all your other
Pretty, shiny, sparkly, more interesting, more intelligent, more playful, more down-to-****, down-to-party, less uptight, less afraid, less work, less stressful,
Less me
Options.

I see it now
The truth to those drunken words
Words well meaning,
Words of fear and self-loathing
Words of hope and love and longing
Words of promises to keep and goals set
Words that turn to dust when dried out
Words that mean nothing,
Like the dust bunnies under your couch
Just. Words.

Just like your words today,
Telling me you asked someone else on a date.
While I was sitting
Just five feet away.

Life at the bottom of a poisoned well
Can be soothing sometimes
The dim weight,
All that water
Makes for a comforting blanket.
No sudden movements,
No loud noises to shake me.

But there are days
Days like today when all I want is a breath
A gasp of that green breeze
Warm with sunlight
So my lungs can finally feel full again.

There's no fighting that water though
And even if I could,
There's not enough strength left in these withered limbs
To break through the shimmering glass above

So I lay here.

Life at the bottom of a poisoned well
Can be soothing sometimes.

You were the first
And the first man
To tell me you loved me.
But I wasn't the first
For you

And I know
This doesn't make it any less true,
But your love scares me
Because affection you give
Is more flighty than the birds themselves.

Delicate, it is the birdsong.
And I cannot tell sometimes
If it is your song I hear
Or the memories replaying in my mind.

It is the doubt I bear like a cancer
That poisons my mind with fear
And unanswered 'I love you's
I keep my distance now.

I keep my heart safer
No more stumbling about in the woods,
Scraping up open palms
And the heart I so carelessly carried on my sleeve
Searching desperately for you
And your song.