The tunnel is dark
Three feet tall by three feet wide
The stench of sewage is overwhelming
Filth, slime, rats
I keep crawling
Wondering how I got here,
How do I get out?
It's getting deeper, harder to keep my head from going under
I feel something grab my arm as I crawl through the thick muddy waters
I keep moving, faster, trying to escape this hellish place
I'm cold and tired
I see something far ahead
Small glimmers of light flicker...
Am I almost out?
I get closer to it…
My breathing is getting heavier, body fatigued
I can't reach the light
I move closer, it moves farther
The truth becomes clear to me... I'm never getting out...

We are all alone...
The small row boat barely rocked on the crystal clear lake, a majestic mirror of ice...
sun glistening off the water,
blinding, like the love I felt coming from your eyes
You look at me, and I forget where I am
You touch me, I'm a slave to your hands
You kiss me, I forget who I am
My body tingles with your every touch
Your tongue runs up and down my body, over every mound and curve
I am motionless
a life size doll under your spell
I'm in total bliss,
with each deep wet kiss
unable to move, or utter a sound
We are all alone...
no one around
I pray that this moment will never end
but then the air shifted, oh no, not again!
Your eyes changed to tiny daggers, no love, just rage
I knew what was coming
as your fist hit my face
You pounded and pounded, until you were done
Red syrup covered us, as if we were one
You picked up the towel, to wipe up the blood, while saying you're sorry, and professing your love
you hold me tightly, you won't let go,
and tell me you love me..
I smile, I know...

I woke up at the airport
Sitting at the gate
How did I get in the wheelchair?
How long do I wait?
Where am I going?
My head pounds as I try to think
Nothing is clear, when did I blink
I look up at the gate, A13
The destination is blurry, my face turning green
The knot in my stomach tells me where I’ll soon be
Rehab time again
So why did I leave?

I wake up to morning
day after day
unhappy and sad, again and again

I want to cry
I want to die
My only option is to fly....

So what do I do
when I've lost all hope
turn to the bottle,
turn to dope?

I sit on my balcony, ten stories high
it's a beautiful day
why do I cry?

I cannot run
I cannot hide
I'm stuck with me
left with no pride...

I can't mask my sadness
I can't stop the pain
I really don't want to go through this again

My friends surround me, they do have names
Jack Daniels, Jim Beam...
They are always ready, to play my games

I sit with my friends, as they comfort me
the sadness floats away
so does me...

I can no longer reason
what's right and what's wrong
my friends have mislead me
so goes the song

I continue to drink, till I believe I can fly
one foot off the balcony,
I bid my friends a goodbye…

I lie in the bed
Eyes wide open
Family coming in and out
Talking to each other as if I’m not there
“I’m in here!”, I want to scream!
But I cannot make a sound
My body is a shell, I'm a prisoner in my flesh
But my brain won’t turn off, my mind races with fear
I can hear them chattering, as if I’m not there
What are they saying?
Pull the plug?
I scream and scream at the top of my lungs
“NO!!!  I’m still in here!”
But no sound comes out
They don’t know I’m still here...
Sobbing fills the room
I close my eyes, I can’t bear to see them cry
I feel them holding my hands,
And saying goodbye…

I met you almost one year ago
Then eight months later, I let you go
I tried to get you back, but you have already moved on
You’re still in my head
I can’t believe you’re gone
As I stare out the window
I wonder, wonder why
How I let go
Of such a wonderful guy

I’m racing through life
Trying to escape the pain
Do I run?
Or jump on the clamoring train...

I don’t remember yesterday,
Will I remember today?
The day will be gone, no instant replay

The clock keeps moving forward, calendar pages turn
No time to waste, no time to burn
Always chasing, the next best thing
Missing the melody, of the birds as they sing

I want to stop running
But I don’t know how
I’m just another human,
Faceless in the crowd

No one can know
What I’ve been through
Don’t look at me, keep the attention on you

I guess I’ll keep running
Chasing the dream
Of rainbows and butterflies, and a bubbling stream

I look at the tree
it reminds me of you
it's tall and majestic
with a bronze golden hue

I bite from the apple
it reminds me of you
the forbidden fruit
I can't help but pursue

It's succulent juices
drip from my lips
dancing kisses on my chin
like tiny little whips

I look at the vulture
it reminds me of you
flying high and far
to the next thing that's new

Every breathing moment
reminds me of you
but you're gone...
so what should I do?

*....don't jump!

It was a warm November day
The fog hung thick over the pond, which was placed beautifully in the center of the concrete surrounding the four story building
She looked out the window of the third floor
Nothing unusual
Everything normal, in its place
She glared out the window wondering what the day would bring...
This would be no ordinary day...
Her body was present but her mind was distracted
She sat at her desk, alone, waiting
Others should be coming soon
She opened her desk drawer, and there it was
Loaded, ready to go...  
Would this be the day?
Her mind was confused, nothing made sense..
Why was she here?
She could only feel fear
Then calm breathed over her...  
All fear was gone
She lifted the gun to her head
With a grin on her face
She knew it was time to leave this place
*This would be no ordinary day...

I loved you....
I gave you all of myself...
I stood before you, naked, heart and soul exposed
Vulnerable in every way
And you betrayed me...
You turned on me like a tornado, out of control,
twisting and turning, unpredictable
destroying everything in your path
Leaving nothing but wreckage behind
Broken, jagged pieces scattered and forgotten,
Unrecognizable...
*Except for a faint reflection of me...

My heart is numb...
   because of you
My soul is numb...
   because of you
I'm unable to laugh...
   because of you
I'm unable to smile...
   because of you
I can't feel emotion, happy or sad...
   because of you
But yet I reach for you...  a tiny white pill, sparkling brightly in my hand...  You promise me relief, and I believe you...
The bottle is full,
so I take one, then another
I cannot get enough of you...
I'm slipping into the gentle, safe place I've so longed for...
Floating above myself, coddled by the soft warm air swirling around my naked body...
The last breath leaves my lungs...
My eyes close, for the final time...
Am I alive?
Does it matter?
The pain is gone...
   *because of you

There is something wrong inside my head,
keeping me prisoner in my bed
The wounds are deep,
some small, some large
I see no blood,
at least so far
I grab a smoke,
my only friend...
Smoke fills the room
could this be the end?
The alarm goes off
my head starts to pound
Louder and Louder...
I can't bear the sound!
I crawl deeper beneath the blankets
covering my head
I have no thought at all to escape from my bed

I lay here hiding, but hiding from what?

Smoke fills the room, I'm the only one here...
Soon it'll be over
my pain and my fear...

Rose petals lead the way through the suite
They covered the bed
And were carefully placed around the hot tub
The stage was set
All that was needed was him
She waited and waited
The hands of the clock kept moving
But she was frozen
She chanted, "He will come"
Over and over again
The water in the tub became cool
The rose petals became dry
Crumbling to dust
A few rose petals floated lifelessly in the tub
She gets in...
Still chanting....
Her body became lifeless, like the rose petals.... a warm red hue took over the water
A knock at the door, then another
He sees a single rose petal outside the door
He knocks again, intrigued by her lure
But their lust was deadly,  to be no more...

I close my eyes
And pray to dream
Of you and me
How I want it to be
But only in my dreams...
I get to hold you
Touch you
Kiss you
I pray some more
For dreams to come true
That is the only way
I can ever have you...

A new dawn, a new day...
The sun rises, like a ball of fire lighting up the sky
It looks like the start of a beautiful day
Then why the overwhelming fear taking over my mind and body
My hands shake, my mind is racing...
Is it my dreams haunting me, or anticipation of the day?
What happened last night, I have no memory...
I look around the room
It looks familiar
Where is my love?
I see an empty bottle on the dresser
I look around the room with urgency, vision still blurry
Then I see it
My love, calling me, ready to caress me and take away the fear
I take the first drink
My fear disappears, my body stops shakng
My love is holding me tight
I can't let go
A new dawn, a new day
My love will keep me safe, for at least another day

What are we doing here, together, yet apart.
Is there a "we"?
How I long  for you, but do you long for me?
We've been dancing in this ballroom
For what seems an eternity...
The music keeps changing
But the dance stays the same,
My smile is fading, I only feel shame...
My legs are heavy and tired, my mind is shot
I want to silence the music, but it just won't stop
I continue to dance, day after day
The music, on queue, continues to play...
I'm under your spell, I can't get away
*So I dance....

My head was fuzzy, pounding like a fireworks display
Body numb
Memory non-existent
Filled with fear...
How did I get here?
Slumped by a dumpster
The stench overwhelming
Blood drips from my body to the cold pavement
my clothes are splattered with red
Like a butcher's smock
Filled with fear...
How did I get here?
Sirens get louder and louder
They are getting closer
Do I need to hide?
I cannot move
I see the blue uniforms coming toward me
As much as I try, my memory fails me
What did I do this time?
*Filled with fear...
How did I get here?

You got my heart going
My boiling blood flowing...
When I think of your touch,
it's almost too much..
I feel like I'm melting,
deep into your chest...
I'm weak in the knees
my heart is ready to crest...
I'm higher than the brightest star in the sky
when I think of you, I feel I can fly
I'm fire and ice when I think of you
but you don't know me...
so what do I do?

Violets are red
Roses are blue...
Nothing is normal
without you...
the thorns are so sharp,
they pierce my heart,
like pieces of shrapnel
hitting my chest
Wanting you happy, I did my best
Now I am lost in the memory of you
will anyone else ever do?
Roses are blue
Violets are red
*I'll never get you out of my head

I look into your eyes
and what do I see?
only an older, sad vision of me...
Where is the love
that used to be there?
I wish to God, I did not care...
He loves me, he loves me not,
so simple this sounds,
but there's no second shot...
I wonder again, as I look into your eyes
where is the love that once was my prize...

It was a crisp fall morning
A full moon lit up the earth, the morning dew glistening brightly as the new day began
The sun started to peak out
Not a cloud in sight, just the blue haze covering the sky like a watercolor canvas
I sit by the window, hot tea in my hand, taking in the beauty around me....
Then the dream ended...
The nurse walked into the room
ready to take vitals, yet again...
I was brought back to the reality of my life, as I sit lifelessly in the wheelchair
Never shall I walk the beautiful earth again, the earth I took for granted for so many years
How I long for my body back, to stand, walk, run, love...  
I had it all, but didn't know it...
*In one second my life changed forever
One horrible night
Nothing will ever be the same
because of that one horrible night.

Were you ever my friend, my lover
I feel you betrayed me
I'm confused,
Out of control
When I stay away from you, I become weak
When I'm with you, I become sick
I try to purge you, but you come back
Can we compromise? But how?
I can't seem to live with you
I can't live without you
But I'm not ready to leave you
Fear runs through my body, as it does every morning
I step on the silver metal device on the cold floor and wait
Only you know if it will be a good day
I watch the numbers roll by, like lemons on a slot machine
I'm your prisoner, my fate is in your hands
I look down slowly, as I hold my breath, the numbers stopped moving....
"99" displays brightly
I'm still in control!
I smile...  you did good, you did good

I saw a smile, a very slight grin
something was different
there was a spark in her eye
that wasn't there yesterday
why this change?
what is different about today?
There is no sun in the sky
Gray clouds linger long after the rain
The sky is a blanket of darkenss
The air is cold, damp, biting
Yet the smile is taking over her face, getting larger than before
She sees the rainbow, amidst the morning sky
Is it real.. does it matter..
*Her smile becomes brighter
It won't go away
Serenity hugs her
at least for today

I woke up
Where was I?
I couldn't move
My mind was foggy
Vision blurry
I look to my right and I see her
An old woman wearing a worried face
Who is she?
What is she doing here?
What am I doing here?
My vision starts to clear
I see white walls
Tubes and wires protruding from my body
IV's surround me
I cannot move, constricted by all this life support
A man stands above me, looking stern, with a grin of disgust
"You are lucky to be alive, you should be dead."
I don't remember
I don't want to know
Dear God, not again!!!!
I need to get out of here
I need another drink
*Just one more....

I long for you to notice me...
Do you see me?
I'm right here
No!
I can't want you
It is forbidden
I  know you won't love me
The way I need to be loved.
I set myself up over and over
Again
Hurt and heartache are too familiar
My heart is raw, exposed
Then why do I think about you...
And me
More than ****** images take over my thoughts
Thoughts of you and me, intertwined, mind and body
Two spirits as one
But you don't notice me
And  I can't want you to...
A tear runs down my face
You are forbidden...

I speed down the highway
In a rush, like every other day
But for what?
I'm missing the beautiful sunrise
Red and purple hues overwhelm the sky
But my head is full...
Work
Bills
Him
I pull into the parking space like every other day
But I don't recall how I got here
I Walk pass the glistening lake,
Sun dancing on the still water
Wild flowers line the sidewalk, amazing colors
Yet I miss the beauty around me... I don't see any of it
When did I become a prisoner in my body
Surrounded by faces, so serious, so sad
Everyone seems to be speaking stories of gloom
Past, present and future
I look across at the small child, waiting for the school bus with his mom, a smile on his face
Only 5 or 6, still untainted
Everything to him is new,  exciting
Yes, the box is more fun than the gift inside
I stop in my tracks, look up to the universe for answers
I want to see the world through the eyes of a child
The trees, the lake, the butterflies
All the colors of the rainbow
Is it too late for me?
The breeze hits my face
Telling me to hold on
Keep it simple
And smile, for no reason....

Is it wrong...

to miss you
to want you
to think about you, day and night

your chiseled face
that childish grin
your naughty eyes

How I long for your touch, your rugged hands running along my back  

I can almost feel the callouses on your fingers, caressing the back of my neck

To hold you in my arms, like we were one unit, unbreakable...

To feel your sweet sweat intertwining with mine

but...

You're not mine
I'm not yours

So is it wrong?

I wait, a minute seems like eternity

I know you're out there, somewhere...

Can you feel me?

Here I am...

I'm climbing the mountain once again...
For what?

This is not the first time, will it be the last?

I'm getting tired of holding on..

The air is getting thinner as I climb higher

And where does this journey take me?

The crest of the mountain, just to turn around, and climb down again...  nothing has changed, it never does, so what is the point?

My last lifeline is the rope holding me close to the mountain surrounding me...

I unclick the lock, letting the rope fall freely to the ground below

I free my hands from the protruding rocks on the side of the mountain

I'm done holding on...

I'm done climbing...

I'm now free.

**"The End"

I open the bottle of tiny little pills before my feet hit the floor
Was I ever happy without them?

I'm not happy now, they have let me down

Weren't there simpler times.. before

ADHD
ADD
OCD
Depression
Anxiety
Manic

Too many to list

Have we created this epidemic?
Happy Pills, doesn't everyone take one form or another?

They are prescribed so they must be ok....
But they're not

How did they take hold of me
They want to **** me, and they are succeeding...

I'm lying on the balcony
A phenomenal view
Soft waves crashing against the soft white sand
Sun is rising to awake a sky brand new
This must be paradise
Sun caressing my skin
Yet my heart aches...
All I see are images of you...
Alone again
Body limp
Heart heavy
Paradise or prison?
Only you have the key
Please set me free

Take 1...  Blackout

I woke up
Naked
On the floor
Three empty wine bottles next to me
Where are my clothes?
Did I take them off?
Candles burn dim on the mantle
Cigarette butts in the ashtray, but not mine
My head spins in panic
No memory
Only props
Then I see it!
A full bottle, not yet opened
I reach for it
Bring it quickly to my lips, sip the sweet liquid as it warms my body and calms my mind
Still naked
Still confused
Who cares

Take 2.... rinse, repeat

I sit
In the royal blue vinyl chair
Waiting for the plane to board.
I stare out the window, through the crowd, at the large metal bird, majestic, glistening in the sunlight
A woman walks by in her polyester suit, pocketbook in hand, looking sad...
An older man sitting across from me, alone, looking disheveled, briefcase in hand, mind distracted
A young couple trying to keep their two young children quiet, so not to be seen
A teenager plugged into a cell phone, a disengaged look on his face
The silence becomes louder... and louder
One thing in common.
We are all here, going to the same destination... some will continue on...
together... but alone
Am I invisible...
Does anyone see me?

I'm falling
My lifeless body,  floating through the darkness
A never ending black hole
My bottle has no bottom
It seems it is always full. How can that be? I don't remember..
I can't breath, I'm grasping for air
I feel like I'm drowning...
My mind is hazy, I cannot see
Am I blind?  Am I crazy? Have I lost my mind?
Will I wake up from this nightmare...
I don't have the strength to awaken this time...
Finally peace, the bottle is empty

Is it wrong to look for love?

Not any love... but romantic love, the kind of love that takes your every thought captive,  every minute of every day...

I've been told.....
Take time for yourself
Find yourself
Don't look for it
It will happen in the right time, . Not your time....

Is any of this well intentioned advice true?

So here I am....  I found myself, had time with myself, didn't look, and waited....

Is it wrong to want to share this wonderful person I've found with another soul?  I hear the answer....... "No"

So I continue to have hope, as I walk alone, tears running down my cheeks...

It'll have to do.

*"Turn around, close your eyes and breath."

I long to sleep...
when I sleep I dream.
but is it a dream...
what is reality?
dreams may feel real
it is sometimes a relief to awake, and sometimes not...  
But I question... are we really awake?  
Or are our dreams the reality.....

Why is it called a broken heart....
My heart is still beating, is it not?
I am still breathing, as I wipe the tears from my cheek...
The pain is overwhelming ...  
I cannot catch my breath...  
I cannot stop shaking...
I cannot stop crying...
There is no relief, no escape...
What is happening...
Is my heart still beating?  Do I want it to be.....  
Will I ever be whole again...

I don't believe in luck

I believe that our paths have been laid out for us long before we were born....

There are forks in the road, and we have choices... But the ultimate journey has already been written...
"The End" is predetermined...

Am I lucky to be alive? I think not... I was meant to be alive...

Now what am I going to do about it?

I see a woman in front of me, she looks familiar, something about her eyes.. I've seen them before.. they look tired and sad.... she must have once been beautiful, but I feel something terrible has happened to her...

I smile at her and see a glimmer of sparkle in her eyes, a slight grin in the corner of her mouth. Does she know me? Should I talk to her and ask what is wrong?

She continues to stare at me, with those sad eyes.... I feel uncomfortable, I can't breath... I need to leave now. I turn away and walk to another room.

She is there.... how can that be?

I realize in horror, it's a mirror, and the woman is me.

Today is the day... sweat beads up on my far head, hands shaking, lips quivering...

It's time, but am I ready? I can taste the bile coming up from my stomach to my mouth...

I cringe at the thought of leaving... But I need to run, run fast and far... running from myself, but I'm always there... How do I get away?

Death seems the only answer, as I pick up the knife, wondering if I have the courage to end the pain... I put the knife down slowly, scared and shaking...

I drop to my knees, weeping and confused...

I'm still here....

I sit by the grave, a single flower in my hand, a rose... red and full, sharp thorns that sting. Like the stinging in my heart.

I know you are here. Everywhere I look I see you..

As I look to the heavens, I see your face in the clouds, a grin on your face...

In the darkness of the night sky I see the sparkle of your eyes shining brightly.

And yet I wonder... why... why were you taken from me? Anger and pain overtake me...

I believe our souls will be together again, but when...

As I walk alone, dirt under my feet, legs moving without thought, heart beating, I ask the universe...

When will the pain go away?

I hear a whisper from the soft wind flowing over my body.

My answer... when we meet again.

Why is he with her?
How can he profess his love for her after speaking those same words to me just days before...
Yes, I ended it.
Yes, I wanted this.
But how can he be so happy with her...
Did I think I was that special?
She disguises herself as a love guru, displaying their love as a circus, the two of them in the center ring...
The sweetness is making my stomache turn, like cotton candy on steriods...
I have to let the obsession go before it destroys me.
I am at the cirus walking the tight rope... it's getting shaky, my balance is off, I feel myself beginning to fall,
I'm falling into the blackness, but there is no bottom...
I hear the circus music playing as I continue to fall into the darkness which seems endless....
Will I ever stop falling... and if I do, where will I land...

I lay in the darkness...
naked
waves rolling up from the sea
I feel the mist from the salty water
as I look to the stars for answers
They light up the sky, a million white lights on a black canvas
How can I find love, if I do not love myself...
How can I feel, if I am numb...
The waves start to roll slowly and gently over my body, touching my inner soul
My answer from the universe....
If anything is to change, it has to start with me

The wind blew gently through my window, soft and cool on a hot summer day... a few raindrops fell against the ground, enough to make the air steamy...

I slid into my white satin and lace nightgown and crawled under my red satin sheets, ready for a good nights rest...

I heard footsteps coming toward the bedroom door... The door was not locked, but I did not feel fear or anxiety... I felt a warm calm come over me, a peaceful feeling I can not explain...

Above me stood a beautiful man... dressed in a white tux, carrying a dozen red roses... I wasn't scared, but confused... where did he come from, who was he? He leaned over and kissed my cheek tenderly... he laid the roses down by my side and gently stroked my hair. He told me everything was going to be ok, that the time has come, I was ready to meet my soulmate... I wanted him, not some soulmate! He whispered in my ear to be patient and have faith, and more would be revealed... he then turned and walked out the door... I couldn't move, I was paralyzed...

I awoke to the sound of the alarm clock at 5am... had it only been a dream? was this man not real?

I pulled back the covers, still in wonder, then I saw the red rose petal...

I lie there smiling for a long time, holding the rose petal tight in my hands....