I want to keep my beautiful and big heart more than I want anyone
I do not want it to shrink and when it does I want to be courageous enough to stretch it again
I want what I am as I am
and to preserve and cultivate the loveliness within me

And then with the eyes of a red tailed hawk
I can see the  what is needed is courage
and acceptance
everything that lacks is what I do no give
and I am strong enough having crossed winter’s terrain and walked through its dark canyons that I can sit in peace
and hold all that I feel
from this view life is but a blink
and in my nature is to show up
to care in such a way
and this is not because of anyone else
it’s just the way of my nature
and I become courageous enough to accept myself and who I am

I do not want to keep crossing lines people draw for me

So when my stupid heart want to run passed the painted line I now pull it back

I am not in-charge of redrawing that line
someone else is , the person who put it there is in charge of that

so I hold it, I hold this wild heart and comfort it
at least I am strong to comfort it now

and yes some part of me really wants to be there but there is that line

and I sink back down a little
and sink because I just don’t want to cross anything anymore
I want to feel to roam in someone’s garden
when I am invited
I do not want to invite myself when no one else has

Come sit with me on a bench
I long to ask you how you have been
but we could as well just sit in silence
and that would be enough

A loving presence that holds everything
and has room to hold everything I feel
       I try to shift to this
slowly with practice with devotion I will get there
i am creature of habit and devotion
i will get there

I sit in front of a glistening lake
so beautiful but so deep
I am almost scared to reach in further
so deep down that I tremble
but I want to look deeper at myself
I don’t want the things I push down to rule me so I do not wait for them instead I call them
“ what ever abides there within, rise so that I may hold you. I am stronger now and kinder and my compassion is wider. Now, I can truly see you. Please, come. “

How do we start from here
from this new expansion
from the rawness
from this cleansing
that rubbed too hard it left red marks over my skin
so deep in my being I will never forget
How do I lean into love more and stop turning towards sorrow
how to accept the warmth and let it cover me once more
for I deserve once more, twice more, and an infinity of more