I disappear on purpose. Cause I don't want to exist. I phase slowly in and out of existence. Waiting for someone to notice. To try and reel me back in. But it never happens. I'm tired of the excuses. "You're an artist.. You're supposed to be sad and complicated." "You're young.." I may be all those things but I shouldn't feel like this. Numb isn't natural. I shouldn't be so numb.

I don't see a need in a definition
Why do I have to define my love?
Can't I just fall freely
With whom I choose
Or rather
My heart chooses
I think everyone's beautiful
And interesting
And worth loving
So if I fall in love with a girl
Because she amazes me
And makes my heart flutter
Why is that different
Than if I were to fall in love with a boy?
What's so unnatural about love?
Is love so bad?

Kiss me with your razor lips
Say my name with your dagger tongue
Stare me down with your stone cold eyes
Rip me apart with your words
Patch me up with your lies
Love me darling
With your sinful ways
Promise me forever
With your fingers crossed
Without you, darling
I'd be lost

Perpetual sadness
That's all this is
Just a melancholy mind
And a black soul
Twisting together  
To create a darkness
That envelops every
Happy emotion I have
Until they become
Nothing more than
Neutral, dull, nothingness
I can't feel exitement
My laughter is always forced
My smile never stays
My heart always breaks
Perpetual sadness
That's all my life has become
A rerun
Of nothingness

It's been three months
Four?
I don't know anymore
I have some hope
But it's fading fast
I wanted us to last
I'm scared
What's happened to you?
Do you still think of me too?
I miss your laugh
The way you smile
You know dear, it's been a while
I still have a place
In my heart for you
You have to know that much is true
I may not have a spot in yours
But I love you just the same
I just don't know if I can play this game

It's hard to put my finger on what's wrong with me
What really is hurting me
It's like having a knife in your back
But you just can't find it
So when I'm asked by others
"Well what's making you sad?"
I stumble over my words
And trip over my thoughts
And search for answers
That I just can't seem to grasp
Because I truly don't know
I can't explain how I'm feeling
With the words that I know
It's like asking me to explain the color yellow
To someone who's never seen it before
It's not something I can tell you
To truly understand you'd have to feel it
And see it with your own eyes
But I'd never wish that upon anyone
So I guess I'll never have an answer
And you'll never understand
What's really making me sad
Is more than I can explain
To understand it, you'd have to feel my pain

I'll send you away just like I do with everyone else
I care about you so I'll push you away
As hard as it may be, I won't let you close to me
I can't afford to get hurt so I'll keep you at bay