The new year will start with a sigh and smile.
Tears running down my face,
Saying we made it.
Over a year clean,
Being a survivor instead of living as a forever victim,
Proud of the growth and changes I’ve made.
Looking back I wouldn’t do a single thing differently.
I’ve started to grow into the woman I deserve to be and learned to heal me and my inner child when all I wanna do is give up.
I learned to love harder,
Be stronger,
And most importantly have faith.
This new year I shed the skin of the old me like a snakes sheds their skin and rejoice in a new light feeling free and warm.
Everything doesn’t have to be ok for me to learn how to live in peace.
Sometimes we thrive and learn to evolve while fighting in the trenches.
We discover what really matters.
To me what matters is my family,
Our health,
Our commitment to one another,
And our love that’s never ending.
This new year I celebrate not just me changing with the tides as they roll towards us but also me learning to move with them.
We can only set ourselves free,
Then we feel the calmness of the waves slowing to match our heartbeat.
This new year I will show the new me and be proud of the progress I’ve made,
The battles I’ve won,
And the tears I’ve shed.
Because all of tat has helped me to understand that no matter how long or short our lives are the only thing we truly have control over is ourselves and how we move the puzzle pieces around to find our place in the world.
My place is in the words I write,
The love I give,
The journey I’ve taken.
So as the new year approaches I pray that each step brings more calmness into my heart and mind so that the me I deserve to be can shine.
It’s gunna be a new year,
And I intend to be a better and new version of myself.
No longer will I wallow and hide,
Instead I’ll come out from under the table and allow myself to feel and process and learn to accept what I’ve been given and use my words to express myself in every way.
My words and life are enough.
So here’s to a new beginning of self acceptance and self discovery.
May we all come out the other side filled with peace and love and happiness for what we have.
Happy new year from my family to yours.

They say every 7 years
Your skin regenerates.
So why do I still feel the remnants of his touch?
It doesn’t matter how long it’s been,
Every day,
Every hour,
Every second,
I feel his touch. 
I remember the shame,
The pain,
The blame…
No time goes by when I don’t suffer the consequences of his sick sins.
Why me?
I lost something so early,
And I didn’t even know I could say NO!
Or to even speak to someone,
I was forever that scared little girl with no voice.
But not anymore.
That girl grew up.
Yes I still feel his fingertips on my skin,
His breath hovering over me,
I feel the phantom pains of his abuse. 
But I’ve been afraid for too long.
No more.
My voice matters.
I can’t change what he did to me,
For years,
My whole childhood gone,
Scared into silence.
I didn’t know I had worth,
But I do.
So it’s time to heal.
If only it were as easy to do as it is to say. 
It doesn't mean I wont still feel the ghost of him surrounding me,
Or have the constant reminder.
But maybe,
Just maybe,
It’ll get better.
I’m learning my worth,
I’m learning my strength,
I’m learning how to use my voice.
Nothing can take that away,
Not anymore.
I refuse to live in fear forever.
So I’ll learn how to live my life the way I wish and always dreamed I could.
I’ll find the small joys in life again.
Because what he did doesn’t define who I am.
I’m not a scared child with no idea how to use my voice or the power behind it. 
So now I’ll scream from the rooftops,
I’m a brave, strong person.
I’m a survivor. 
I’m alive,
And I’ll learn how to be ok.

I may be a bit out there but at least I’m honest.
I don’t hurt on purpose.
I don’t steal.
But I was there for you.
Dumb, mostly me for believing you.
I would’ve done anything,
But you went too far,
Too many times.
So I’m done.
Done with you and your wack attitude.
Blaming everyone for your problems instead of trying to change them.
I’m healing.
I was there for the last time cause you thought I wouldn’t catch you in your scam or manipulation.
I’m good girl.
Live your life,
I’ll live mine.
I can finally be happy nothings messing with my life anymore unless I choose it.
So goodbye,
go pull your tricks but leave me out of it.
I’m out, peace.

I’m terrible.
Quite frankly I hate myself.
I just wish I wouldn’t wake up most mornings.
But alas I’m here.
What’s my point?
I’m nobody…
Who would really miss the **** I put everyone through.
They deserve a break.
But I’m here,
Just sad.

My head spins in circles,
Confused,
Scared,
Angry,
Tired.
I just wanna be ok.
It hurts just to wake up and keep going everyday.
I just wish I could finally be ok.
Not in my head and free of the intrusive thought always racking my brain.
I just wanna feel worthy.
But I don’t.
I just wanna be ok.

Here I go,
Feeling lonely again.
Trying to stay out of the dark part of my subconscious.
It’s so hard,
Trying to stay sane.
I’m just so tired of it all.

I deserve it?
I need it,
I crave it,
Just let me dance with the devil.
Please take my sou,
Drain me dry.
I can’t get enough.
Help me please!
I’m ******.
Dancing with the devil.
It’s so hard to say no!
Please…
Why don’t I just stop?
I’ve tried,
It’s just so hard to say no when you’re dancing with the devil.

I have to say,
You’re my guilty pleasure.
You make me smile and squirm all in one moment.
You appreciate me.
You love me.
You adore me.
Never stop being my guilty pleasure,
Because my love you’re all I need.

Who would I be without you?
Who am I?
Is it even worth it?
Tell me…
Who would I be?
Who should I be?
Cause I don’t even know who I want to be.
But you,
No matter what.
Who would I be without you.
Thank you for the lessons you taught me.
The love you gave.
Without you who would I be.
Who?

Validate me.
Tell me it’ll all be ok.
Tell me I’m ok.
Am I?

You get me so high baby,
I just love getting high with my baby.  
Wanna grind and get high with my baby.
Bite your lip,
I just love getting high with my baby,
Get high with my baby.
Wanna love and talk to my baby.
I just love getting to have and be with my baby.
I love getting high with my baby,
Get high with my baby.

Need you ever know me,
The real me,
Beware cause I’m needy.
I’m stubborn
But I love with all my heart,
And will stop at nothing for the people I care for.
I try not to make it known,
But I always want love like a love sick puppy,
Which makes it bitter sweet.
I crave love and acceptance.
Just like any love sick fool.
I love the idea of love but am terrified,
I’m scared of the pain it could cause,
So I’m weary.
But I try to make sure my family knows I love them.
I’m just needy.
I love to be needed,
But again I fear that the love isn’t real.
I’m just really needy.

Bodies close
Almost dancing.
Sweat dripping
Hearts pumping.
Kisses all over your body.
Sweet song of moans,
I love the way you make me feel.
I never want it to end,
Let me love you.
I’ll love you good and strong.
When we’re apart I miss you,
You beautiful soul.
You give me hope,
Love wins,
Love hurts,
Love feels like home,
Love is electric,
We are electric.

I cry myself to sleep at night.
I dream of ocean eyes and fire burning through my soul.
I dream of passion and love.
But I’m hiding.
I don’t know anything anymore.
I’m burnt out like a roachie in an ash tray.
But I still hope.
I still dream.
I’m still alive inside.
It’s just buried deep down inside.
I wish I could say I was genuinely happy but that’s a lie. But I’m working on it.
I might be burnt out but the fires still inside me.
Just wait,
Till I let it out and pour out my soul to you.
Cause I will.
And like mine your heart might turn cold or start to cry like a hungry newborn.
But don’t worry we’re gunna be ok.
Eventually.
We’ll be reborn into something bigger and better my true loves and passions and drives will come to light and so will I.
I will shine like the brightest star in the sky.
Just wait.
I might be burnt out but I’m not dead yet.
I’m hoping to live long and prosper learning something new everyday and living as if each day could be my last.
But at least everything would be worth  my while.
Cause I’m smart and creative and strange but funny and as loyal as hades hell hounds.
Im going to be free.
Release my wings and fly.
Dream.
Live.
Learn.
And love.

I breathe in,
I breathe out.
I kiss the tip to make smoke fly
I **** the soul out of it.
**** is a beautiful thing.
Lord hear our prayers,
Forgive those who testify against our ways and spread love and peace through out all.
Ha,
Cute fantasy.
**** is a beautiful thing indeed I breathe in and out to calm my heart.
Thank you for your service amongst thee beloved plant.
Lord hear our prayers.
Amen.

Kiss me.
Kiss me hard.
Kiss me softly.
Show me your heart.
Let me feel your pulse.
It’s heavy, your body.
Sweet tasting skin.
Leave marks all over me.
I’ll be sure to do the same.
You’re salty too.
Making me feel alive.
You only you.
Burn me with your lips.
Hurt me with your love.
I swear it’s ok.
Bite my neck and kiss my pulse.
Blood running through our veins and down my neck.
It tastes like iron.
You’re like a drug.
So addictive.
So intoxicating.
Use me like your little doll.
Beautiful.
Hot.
Love.
Lust.
Kiss me.

My own mommy said to me
“Wow I’m so sorry ,I really neglected you”
That **** broke my heart.
I didn’t want her to feel bad.
She was my mom and I love her.
But for her to say that,
Admit to it,
To my face, I almost couldn’t bear it.
The tears poured out, the mental breakdowns going through my head.
I’m thinking even my own mother neglected me when things got hard and scary so I acted out of anger but I still always love her.
I know I have the best mom.
She raised me well and was always there when I needed her even if it didn’t seem like it at times.
So I think nonsense.
Was I neglected? Yes in a sense.
Do I care? No. I did.
But,
I love my mom cause she’s honest and tells it like it is.
She knows all.
And always wants what’s best for us.
Even when we annoy the hell outta her and make her wish she didn’t have kids.
My mom rocks.  
She is my rock.
My dank to my dabby.
my best friend.
My mom.
She’s the best and I love her.
She’s here now and that means the world to me.
I love you mommy.
Forever and always.
To the moon and back.

I could feel it in my bones.
The electricity.
It felt like I was overcome by tingles of fire.
Down my back,
Up my spine to my neck.
Down my arms,
Down to my very core.
I felt the heat.
The energy in the room was deadly.
Ohhh how I longed for the tension to end,
Yet wished for it to stay forever.
I feel it in my heart.
The way you make me feel.
The way you draw shivers along my body.
I feel nothing but you.
I want nothing but you,
Your touch,
Your kiss,
Your everything.
I wanna scream and bleed for you.
I want the last thing I say to be your name.
I wanna feel you.
But I wonder...
Do you feel it?
The thunder and lightening we create when we’re together.
The tension and the ease.
Do you feel it like I do?
Feel it cause I’m all yours.

The universe,
The world,
Each country,
Every continent and planet around us.
God is a woman.
Life comes from within us,
Our bodies are the world itself.
Without us where would anyone be?
God is a strong beautiful confident woman who keeps her head up high no matter the words thrown out about her.
With a single finger she can control reality as it is.
Our wonderful Goddess.
Bless you I’ll say as I stand and salute you my Goddess.
Thank you for making us women.
We make life,
We change life,
And we care about life.
Love too.
But mostly for ourselves and whom we deem worthy to be by our side.
Be our equal.
Cause even if god is a woman god is also a man.
Together we are a God.
Let her shine her light upon us.
Sweet Goddess.
Dearest God.
Give me the will to live.

It grows in us all.
Each and every single living breathing thing has either already encountered you or are waiting for your sweet, loving embrace.
Oh Death, I say your name never in fear, maybe heartache but never hate.
Maybe momentarily I’ll be dead.
Alas that’s not going to be true until you put me to sleep.
Oh death, how you surround us.
Always lingering and lusting for our lives.
Some of us you wait to seek,
Others you don’t.
oh Death how constant you can be when leaving bodies laying around do be a dear and pick them up will you?
Ha. That’s cute.
And isn’t it quite funny how death appears the second you close your eyes.
It’s a comfort really to know that death is not the enemy.
The enemy lies within us in our own ****** life.
Breathe in and out.
If you can’t do that you’re dead.
You could be dying if your sick and cold or just out of the blue like the popping of a vein, or if your lips turn blue maybe you’ll be blessed.
Life is death and death is everything life is and isn’t.
Playing the game of life can be traumatic or fine. Just fine. Or okay, maybe great, if you really wanna believe that.
Let your last breath be the first of your new life.
Remember only the good, learn from the bad, and try your hardest in every challenge given to you by life.
Make yourself the undertaker to your own funeral.
May the world one day forever live and Rest In Peace.

My head is twisted my body is broken
I don’t know how to breathe or to be a person
But that’s ok cause no one wants to hear none of that.
No one wants to hear those loud car doors slamming leaving the dogs in a frenzy with people screaming.
People may ask you “are you ok?”
And you could say yeah, or you could tell the truth and say how miserable you are
How dead you are.
You never want to see or hear the things I think about or see the stuff that I can remember in schools with flash cards and books, depressing music, and some angsty poetry and to be honest I am scared.
I’m scared that I’m not sane.
But what does it mean to be sane?
I honestly have no clue and I’m freaking out scared for my life hiding in my house as if it were a hole that we dug for safety and it hurts me everyday to be awake sometimes.
But people don’t wanna hear that.
They wanna hear that you’re ok and doing perfectly fine and that everything’s looking up.
When in reality there’s no such thing.
But that’s just life.
But don’t worry I am fine thanks for asking those who do here’s a shout out to you as a thank you for being there for me when I needed them the most I love you kisses xoxozozo

My eyes are blue.
Black and blue.
My skin is pale white with freckles.
Freckles of blood spatter that reached my face.
The red and blue go really well together.
Maybe I should redye my hair red.
Red like the blood that once belonged to someone of importance.
It was his fault he came onto me.
So I took my knife and I taught him a lesson.
1: don’t take what isn’t yours
2: say please and thank you
3: no means no
4: hands to yourself
5: if you don’t fix your mistake you die.
He died. I had to teach him over and over again.
10 for each lesson. Just so it really stuck with him.
Hopefully he received the message if not the police will find all my hidden clues. And if I’m lucky they’ll find me. I’ll tell them everything.
Like the good little girl my daddy raised me to be.
Smile and widen your eyes and tilt your head and speak soft and sweet.
Be who they want you to be during the day, so you can be who you want to be at night.
You can be the murderess you were meant to become. Or you can just blow off some steam. But don’t leave a mess now or you’ll definitely get caught. But you can’t leave nothing behind so leave them something to work with.
You’re the riddle they’re trying to figure out so make the riddle worth understanding.
My riddle is complicated because I want it to be. Because I was born to be complicated.
Nothing can stop me if I put my mind to it.
So sleep tight knowing everything’s going to be safe.
If only he had followed the rules my eyes would just be blue and my skin would just be a pale white with natural freckles not blood speckles.
But he tried to take a part of me that took so long for me to recover and I couldn’t let him get away with what he’d done.
So all the bloods on him.
He chose this path.
I just helped end it.

It was never about the money for me.
I loved you.
You are my sister.
Money isn’t my problem even if I’m struggling.
Because money isn't everything.
Love is something,
Friends and family,
That’s what matters to me.

What words are we supposed to say or write?
The ones we feel or the ones we're taught.
Wait feelings don't matter when it comes to writing.
Who am I kidding.
The world wants us to write about things that are fun and joyful.
But what if you simply can't think of words for such things.
The words I'm feeling and wanting to say are different then the ones everyone wants to hear.
Should I just give in and tell them what they want to hear?
No matter how hard I try,
I can't.
I want to write the words that I feel.
The ones that make me feel.
The ones that make other people feel.
So I'll write the words of my own desire,
No matter how sad or dreadful.
They're my words.
My words.

I'm not scared of the dark,
I am not afraid to die.
But darling I'm terrified.
I'm scared of the voices in my head.
I'm scared of the shadows behind my bed.
I'm scared of the living.
Darling life is a ginormous horror show.
I hope you aren't scared.
Cause you have a long way to go till you can be rid of living and the horrors that accompany it.
Darling never be like me.
Please never live in fear.
Don't be scared.
Don't be scared.
Don't be scared of the living.
Just please don't be scared like me.
Don’t be afraid to live.
Cause darling,
I'm always scared.

It's quiet.
Real quiet.
I'm up in the clouds,
hair tangled in the grass,
Feet stuck to the ground.
I want It to always be like this.
Instead of the sound of swords slicing through the air trying to scratch or stab the person on the other end.
I like the quiet place.
My mind drifts and I see things.
Happy things.
I hate waking up sometimes cause I realize it's always a dream.
I just want the world to be quiet.
I don't want anymore swords slashing.
Please just let me be safe,
In the sweet sound of silence.
The louder they get the quieter I am.
I'm starting to get real quiet now.
What can I say?
What can I do?
Nothing.
So I'll just keep my head in the dirt with new words swimming through my head.
Aching for the quiet.
Waiting for the war to end.
So with my head laying down and my feet on the ground I close my eyes and sing for silence and listen to the winds music letting myself go.
It's real quiet now.
I plant my arms on the ground hands facing down and breathe in the air.
It's quiet, real quiet.
Now I can drift away into another world where my worries are nonexistent and I'm just a little speck of a sparkle in the sky.
Shining and singing the song of silence.

Love,
A four letter word.
Fear,
Another four letter word.
They join hand in hand,
Breathe and live
The same.

Love is fear,
And fear is love.

You cannot love without fear,
Or fear without love,
If that were to happen,
Life would be simply be unbalanced,
Like a tipping scale.

Fear can make love,
Like love can make fear.
They're hands are joined.
Together.
Forever.
Till the end of time.

It’s not easy you know.
Sometimes it feels like there’s a weight,
It continues to weigh me down.

All those little hopes and dreams,
Fly away like a vulture.

It has never been easy,
With the overwhelming sense of anxiety creeping up behind me.
It *****.

Time and time again,
I despise that look of disappointment and regret,
They leer over my shoulder every **** day,
hoping to catch every little mistake.

Those tiny things that we have no control over,
Drive me insane.

I can’t handle not knowing or controlling something.

I go mad at the thought of imperfection,
Even though I know that perfection…
Is only a fairytale.

But that doesn’t change the fact that every time I do something,
My mind goes into a frenzy of cynicism.

It’s not easy ya know,
Trying to carry that weight on my shoulder.

I’m running,
so far.

I’m running until the pain stops.
That unbearable pain in my chest,
I just want it to fly away,
as if it’s a bird flying away from its cage.

I’m running until the tears stop falling.
Those tears streaking down my face,
Leaving a stain.

I’m running,
So very far…

All I want is for it to stop,
WHY WON’T YOU STOP!
please just stop!

Make the tears disappear,
make the pain fade away,
and the running,
Oh the running,
make that dreadful running stop!

Please,
put an end to it all,
just once,
make everything go away.

But until then,
I’ll continue to run,
so,
     so,
           far...

Dear Me,
Did we follow our dreams?
Did you accomplish our goals?
I’m fine right now,
Just wondering about you.

Dear Me,
Did we do something that we can be proud of?
Did we give up?
Did we make it through all those tough times?

Dear Me,
What are we like in the future?
Did we grow as a person?
Are we a better version of who we are now?
Does it ever get better?

Dear Me,
I think no matter what you tell me we’ll be fine.
Maybe that’s false hope,
But maybe it’s not.
Maybe we should have had more of that sparkle in our eyes.
Would that have made the effort worth every ounce I’ve wasted so far?
Maybe...

Dear Me,
I hope we’re doing fine,
Maybe we can do what we’ve always wanted.
Maybe instead of living in fear,
drenched in anxiety,
We could live our life the way we had hoped.

Dear Me,
What do you think?
Is this a good idea?
Yeah it is...

It was an idea to me for the longest time.
Until I met her,
Her brown eyes,
Her massive paws,
And her dumbo like personality.
When I saw her picture I fell in love.
Instead of hope being an idea she was real.
I could finally see the idea I've always imagined.
She was 12 weeks when we first got her.
Her fur was soft and her ears were long.
And her face lit up my world like fireworks during Fourth of July.
I fell in love with Hope and got to take her home.
She's my everything.
The only thing I need when I feel an ounce of sadness within my heart, is to look in her eyes and I know everything will be alright cause I have her.
Hope is my light at the end of the tunnel.
And I cherish her with all my being.
The beautiful thing she is.

I hate that you're the only thing I see when I close my eyes.
I hate that.
I hate the way your old hands touched my young skin,
I hate the way you made my young hands touch you.
I was a naive trusting little lamb,
You, you were a big deceiving lion,
And I was your prey.
I wanted to learn and you were willing to teach,
But there was a miscommunication of what was meant to be taught.
You wanted to teach me how to touch you,
And I wanted to learn how to spell.
I never did learn how to spell the only word I needed.
Help.
I didn't learn anything to be honest,
Only the fear of love,
Of touch,
Of men; including my own father, uncle, and grandfather who has a hard time writing his own name.
I feared walking into school and it only got worse as time went on.
But Mr. Kiss,
If that's even your real name,
I want to thank you.
You did teach me something that I'll always hold with me,
You taught me what it's like out in the "real" world.
You taught me the most valuable thing I know;
Not everyone is who they claim to be.
You can hide, repress, ignore all the memories you want;
But hiding, repressing, ignoring doesn't undo the damage already done.
Me, growing and loving and treating people the way I wasn't treated is what will help to heal the booboos you left behind.
So, again, Mr. Kiss, thank you for doing your "job" and teaching me what I needed to know.
Sincerely;
Not a victim,
But a girl with feelings.

It’s fragile.
You shouldn’t drop something that can easily be broken.

The glass heart sits on the empty shelve,
Waiting.
And as time goes by the shine it once possessed,
Was gone.

With dust covering it,
it waits.

Waits for the one soul who’ll wipe away the dust,
And bring back the shine.

So the fragile glass heart,
On that empty shelve,
Waits for its pair.

Time flies and the heart is still waiting.
Dust continues to spread,
Hope begins to fall,
And loneliness consumes that once beautiful,
Fragile Glass Heart.
It’s sad how something once so admired can be so alone.

But that well known phrase,
“One mans trash, is another man's treasure.”
Shows to be true.

The hearts waiting comes to a stop,
When one other lonely soul ventures into the unknown.
He notices the Fragile Glass Heart,
and with the heart in hand he journeys home.

He cleans the dust,
Places it on a new shelve,
With other hearts.
And that Lonely Fragile Glass Heart,
Doesn’t feel so alone.

Grandmother,
I ceased to exist when you died.

My mom loved you.
You were her mother so of course she loved you.

I have always wondered what you were like,
I’ve heard stories,
seen pictures,
but they’re not the same as the real thing.

But that’s ok,
because when I hear about you,
I feel as if I know you,
I feel a type of warmth in my heart knowing that you were once real.
I love the stories and I hold onto them.
I’ll hold onto them with my last breath till the day I meet you.

Grandmother,
I might not have met you,
but you’re a part of me,
and that part I’m going to hold close to my heart.
Till the end of time,
You’ll be with me.
Always.

Freaks,
It’s what we are.
We are the Elephant Man,
The Lobster Boy,
and The bearded lady.

It’s who we were destined to be.
The only people strange enough to do it,
the outcasts of the world.

We perform our whole lives,
living a lie,
wearing a mask.
But at night,
when we are alone,
we transform into the strangest oddities,
our true selves.

We’re treated like freaks,
but that’s all we are.
The circus loons,
living a lie,
wishing,
just wishing
we could be ourselves,
the real freaks we we’re born to be.

If only the spotlight would move so we could come out of the dark,
and take our place as the people we really are,
not the freaks,
or the circus loons,
just us.

Walking in,
A large room, empty.
My mom, my sister, and my aunts.
They scatter around the room to set stuff up as my mom cries.
I walk over to the wooden box holding my father,
I stare into his closed eyes that once shined a beautiful blue.
His once over heated body,
Cold as ice.
I place my hand upon his,
I cry and say,
"It'll be ok daddy, I love you and miss you. But we'll be ok. Eventually."
I can still see his eyes lighting up with pride,
See him smiling with pure joy,
Feel his warm bear hugs that were like no other.
But with his journey of growth wrapped around my neck that I'll forever wear with pride and love,
He will always be by my side.
Blue eyes shining,
A wide goofy grin upon his face,
Always giving me those overpowering and comforting bear hugs.
His big heart took up all the space that he was,
The memory of him will always play in our heads as if it's the movie of his short, yet full life.
He was the best man,
The best father,
And by far the best person I will ever know.
And I had the greatest pleasure of having him in my life.
Thank you for showing me what I deserve,
Thank you for showing me I can take the world if I want it,
Thank you for being there,
And thank you for showing me how much I'm worth.
I will love you forever and always.
And one day,
In the future we'll all be together again.
We'll be the perfectly imperfect family that we've always been.
I couldn't ask for a better guardian angel to watch over me.
I love you daddy,
I promise one day,
One day,
Our family will live in the stars,
Dance with the other Angels,
And laugh like we've never laughed before.
I promise,
One day.

When worlds come crashing,
And seas start drying,
I'll know.
I'll know that our once frivolous love,
That was so fun and carefree,
Is over.
The fun times and selfish acts can no longer be done.
Why?
Well the world is crashing and the seas are drying with us,
My dear,
in its wake,
And with that our love.
But that simply doesn't mean it has to end...
It means,
With the world and the sea,
We will go out with a bang.
A bang so profound,
That the only thing that's remembered is us and our selfish, careless devotion to each other.
Our love, to put it simply, will be the only thing worth remembering.
So,
My dear,
A toast,
To us and ourselves.
May we go out with all that our love's worth.

It's hard living a double life.
Two identities
One person.

Every morning I place my mask upon my face,
And,
I wait.

Maybe today will be a better day,
I just have to fake it till I make it,
Then everything will be ok.

But I know that’s all lies,
It’s a part I play.
A role.
An act.

But I don’t want to act anymore,
I wanna pull my mask off,
and say,
“I’M NOT OK!”

I wanna cry,
I wanna feel,
I don’t wanna feel,
I just want someone to listen.

I don’t want to wallow in this depressing abyss anymore,
I just wanna be free,
Be me.

But I can’t be me until I know who that is,
Because I’ve lost all knowledge of who I thought I was.
Maybe I’m nothing.

The Mask of Nothing.

It means nothing,
You whispered as,
Lips crash,
Hearts beat,
Breaths shorten.

Denial runs thick in your veins,
But so do they.
Love isn’t what you have it’s lust,
Your heart says,
But your head tells otherwise.
And don't we always listen to what we want to hear?
Not what we need.
And right now I need him.
I need his love,
His touch,
His voice.
But it's not mine to have.
And that's fine.

Besides what we had wasn't love,
It wasn't anything.
I liked the idea of having him.
But he's not what I need,
I realize too late as his hands trace my veins,
Him whispering in my ear,
I'm all you need,
I'm all you have,
I'm all you deserve.

So I take what I can get,
Even though deep down it's not love.
But denial is strong willed,
Just like me.
So I continue to embrace him,
When I know deep down it's not what I deserve,
But It's all that I'll ever get.
Because if listening to the voices in my head leads me down the path of safety why would I not take it?
He's safe.
As his lips explore,
His fingers feather down my side.
He feels safe and fun.
So instead of looking for something more,
Something that will hurt,
Something that will be the death of me,
I settle.
Cause what else can I do when all I've ever known is hurt.
I just want some safety for once.
Something stable,
Unlike me.
And he gives me that.
Until he doesn't.
Then off to the next safety cushion who encourages the denial of my own self worth.