I am awake
I am sober
What a surprise it must be
To have full conciousness
And still feel this lonely

I am awake
Are you?
Seizing across the mattress where we both used to lay
Wilting sheets with tears and frustration
Trying to decipher ourselves

I don't understand
Do you?

I doubt it

Something must be wrong
I must be delusional
To think that anyone would look forward to seeing, holding, or kissing me
As much as I have for anyone else
Love is a dead concept
My chest is hollow
And will remain that way
So I'll stop trying to fill it
In hopes that I feel numb again

I deserve this

This happiness
As well as this anguish

I know now that what I longed for
Isn't what I needed

I wish things were different
But I finally feel like I'm being treated
the way I was supposed to be

I'm not a bad person for wanting to be happy

And maybe she won't make me happy

But at least I feel wanted again

And that's the most valuable I've felt in nearly a year

Staggering steps through the heat

Sunlight beating my eyelids with an aggression only my ego could match

Attention darts with every passing person, bicycle, and car

A flood of fearful hope trembles my fingertips

That somewhere among the shimmering pavement I'll see dark hair and red lips accompanied by a whiff of stale tobacco that was familiar to me as every woman before

My emotions are ahead of me

Raging wild circles

Anxious excitement

And
Cold
Electric
Fascination

Have I forced this feeling back enough for me to forget it
Or has it finally died
Waves of relief and depression
Keep washing over me
Am I over it
Or am I finally desensitized
It's not keeping me up anymore
Do I celebrate
Or do I mourn
Only time will tell

Do "chicks"
Still dig "scars"?
Because I've got a load of physical,
And emotional ones
That contradict my singularity

I've run out of things to say
My thoughts are as empty as my actions
At this point I'm just getting by
Disguising scars
Stretching a smile that cracks chapped lips
Dancing to the sounds of my own inconsistent heartbeats rapid growing pace
Skipping every third or seventh or sixth step
Flailing arms in manic motions that reflect my moods
Who am I?
Who did I used to be?
It doesn't matter
I've run out of things to say
Maybe I'll retire this life tomorrow
Maybe I'll wait till it takes me

If Hell is an inferno
Then Heaven must be a miserable tundra
Either way
I'd rather continue living
Than deal with either of their egotistical rulers

Her hair gleamed silk reflections

A beacon of sable beauty contrast against the tangerine sky

Calling out like a sirens moan
To any willing to follow

To any willing to fall

Frail leaves decayed beneath their feet

Echos of the lavish greenery ****** from the air and pulled into the pines

Ghosts of summer
Lost in autumn

I had a dream that my head was rotting. Friends I never spoke to sat idly by, detecting no abnormality. They smoked cigarettes a top their car, waiting for something to pull back the curtains of the night sky. My breathe went stale and the ground shook. I began to choke. overhead something watched us... and then I woke up. A sacrifice.

Your skin was blemished only by
Thousands of tiny cuts from blades of grass

I am not your silver medal
I am not a runner up to him
Don't call me because you're lonely
I am facing this alone too
And nothing you say
Is going to make me feel like anything less
Than your conciliation prize
Because another girl won his heart
And I am still available
This is not a race
It is a fight
But no one wins
When punches are exchanged
Still, the conflict continues
Bobbing and weaving
Avoiding the obvious
Clinging to each other
Reaching for that title
My heart is a heavyweight
But no gleaming belt you promise
Can support that
Let's drop the gloves
I deserve to be put first
And so do you

Lying on your back ceiling skies hold unwanted thoughts

Ones only careless lovers carry in their minds

Weight on your shoulders
Pressing down
Pull me under

Black weather can only hide it for so long

Before the clouds part
And sunlight stings your eyes

Burning red, drowned out tears, and subtle fears that something's changed

And for the first time in my life

It's not me,
It's you babe

Cradle your shameful soul

"You know you should really start taking antidepressants"-h

"I just don't trust myself with a bottle of pills"-I

"Well, I mean, they come in packets"-h

There's a dog outside of the mortuary
Leashed to a crying woman
He is excited
He innocently craves the bones
That composed his former companion
He salivates
He does not know

Another night of nosebleeds
Yet another way to fiend
Is it it a lost cause to find
A way
Am I lost cause?
Please find a way
To make

Things get better
When I’m unaware

3 hours of nothing
Wide awake and aching

Label me 'Fragile'
Please handle with care

Contents include:

1 heart of glass

Lying on the grass in the comfort of nights cool starlight sheet pulled over me
I can't feel a live soul for miles

I am electric
Thoughts lost in the static of leaves swaying above me
Gusts of wind offering a crisp shock to my skin
And sounds surrounding the atmosphere just for me
For me!

A moment like this was presented
A terrible joy found in sadness
Like biting the cuts on the inside of your mouth
Or squeezing a bruise to know where it hurts

Where does it hurt?
What physical force will cure this?

This
Which I cannot see
This
Which I cannot control
This
Which I am

How do you fix something
That was never truly complete?
Glueing together fragments of something that never existed

I am nothing more than a shallow adaptation of who I wish to be
Masking bare basic frustrations and regrets in semi-articulate hiccups of "poetry"
But when it really matters I am speechless
Drained of any authentic essence
Ravaged by obstacles I create within myself
Professional self saboteur
A mass of inner conflict
With a fragile and forced jovial shell hiding it all
Hurting myself and those surrounding me in the process
I am undeserving of those that are in my life

Nights spent pulling away pieces of my skin remind me of trimming fabric from unwanted articals of clothing

My exterior does not define me
But I despise what's underneath

Maybe if I peel back far enough
And glare at the bare contents of my being
I'll see something worth saving

Thrifting, and scrapbooking my flaws

I do not enjoy this
I do not want to be this
These torn up jeans
This torn up soul

So I scratch off the scabs from every wound
Reopening my problems, exposing them to my ever changing mind

This scar stings my eyes the way the sun used to when I was a child

This scar has been there since I was a child

I believe that thought is called an epiphany
But I never wanted to realize these things about myself
So I throw them out
Leaving me hollow

Maybe something or someone can fill the cavity I myself carved from my chest

Maybe nothing and no one ever will

It's hard to tell

I feel nothing

I am nothing

Pale blue light peeks through the shutters
An aero plane growls overhead
And again I find my self sleeping at the foot of a supervisors bed frame

Once again my thoughts stir and churn around my skull like some toxic butter that always ends up spilling into my stomach and making me wish I hadn't indulged in any of the activities that would've led me to this moment

This moment of being morally nauseous

Everyday it gets worse
Drowning in my own thoughts
Gasping for air
Shaking
Freezing
In the cold emptiness
I felt when I knew it ended
I thought I'd be okay
But it crosses my mind more often than not
I just want to feel warm again
Wrapped in familiar limbs
Breathing in every moment we had like it'd be our last
I thought I was okay
It's clear now
Despite the visions of your eyes corrupting my view
That I'm not

How can I sleep when every time I close my eyes they are not alone?
There's an impression on the back of my eyelids and when I shut them My eyes are joined by yours
I see every memory associated with them
The tiny wrinkles that surround them when you smiled
Every tear that beaded up and traveled down your cheek
The lazy dilation when you were too tired to get out of bed
The frustrations you were too afraid to express
Your pupils told a story
And sometimes if I try hard enough I can see my reflection in them
Or maybe that's the remnants of me in the back of your mind
I often wonder what I'm doing there in your thoughts
What is my place there?
Is it a constant reinactment of our past?
Over dramatized reruns of one of our episodes?
Maybe it's fantasy's for the future?
Expectations I could probably never live up to
A perfectly placed hand, kiss, or choice of words that I was too blind to catch
Another que I missed
Or all of the above?
Do you see your reflection in mine?
Can you see yourself dancing playfully
In the dimly lit halls of my imagination?
Adding color to the walls
While simultaneously tearing pieces of paint away
I promise I don't mind
Ill get to sleep eventually
With the same fear and excitement
That I have nearly every night
The fear and excitement
That I'll see you in my dreams again
I wonder if you feel the same
I wonder how long things will be this way
My eyes will open eventually
And when they do
They will be alone again

Jet engines howl like some sonic yawn int the sky

And I am in the quarters of my love

She drapes dresses red and black over her skin

Disguising the marks we've made on such foul impulse

Though she holds no regret

Strong in her mistakes, in her victories

Unlike me

And that's all I need

Relief shrieking godlike through the sky
Like some sonic yawn

All the holy kids they nod their heads in distant approval like babylon whispers

White the lights burned against the landscape

Flickered and flashed their shadows danced

Setting free the childish moods they were strained to reveal

Like hollow possession their hearts
were wild and their bodies still

When I go will you even miss me?
Missed calls
Missed opportunities
To grow
Together
But it’s no longer my problem
Is it?
I’ve done everything I can
Maybe one day we’ll find each other again
But for now
It’s best
I find my way out
And pursue someone that has the time
To grow with me
The way I tried
With you

Where are you now Elliot?

Sitting atop the ashes of Oregon

Bathing in golden melancholy
With needles, and woes and angry
pints

Neglecting the linings silver lure
Unfamiliar and unsure of what it really means
To be happy

Concepts are ******

If I could have your way

Grow black moldy moss on my skull six feet below the ground

And leave this decay with a pressing of emotion engrained in circular black plastic like stone

To ring generations calling for comfort, solitude, in apathy

Maybe then I would be complete

Or complete a vision all too real

And join you in the whispers through Portland,
In the tears of Los Angeles,
Drifting subtly through Washington

And finding rest within the cavities of culture and youth

Speaking sweet sorrows as invitation to a dance we are are familiar with

Stepping on every third beat
missing the counts between

I wish I could know you Elliot

The way I wish my peers could know me

Maybe we could convince each other that the logic behind our understandings were in fact
Misunderstandings

That the pain that coincides with hope was meaningless

That a figure drowning in confusion was simply the manipulation of an ancient desire we've created within our ourselves

So for you Elliot I drink
Every sip a tribute to the ones before us

Cut short to bloom a gene as troubled as ours

Where are you now Elliot?

With blood spread across the floor like red silk carefully layed for display
A sheet of innocence tainted by love and abuse and self infliction

Now relevant the way you were the whole time
But never felt

As I feel

Perhaps I'll achieve that sense of enlightenment someday

And join you above the Rockies
So we may sit and sip coffee and continue to observe the aftermath of our destruction

The way we fantasized in life

The way no one had planned but ourselves

Every stroke of the blade as important as the lyric that followed immediately after

Every song a howl for love misrepresented
And poorly executed

But I am not you
Elliot

I have years to endure

Before my thoughts can reach an audience that suits my content

Years to endure

Before soft light drifts from my eyes

and warm lips run cold from deaths tender kiss

I will know you Elliot

In every note plucked upon the strings of her spine

In every contour I traced with my fingertips
Memorizing the curves just in time for her to vanish
Like they all do
Like I will
Someday

And when I see you Elliot

It will not be in happiness
But in struggle
Conversing the reasons behind such drastic action
Regretting each one
But finding a sick sort of comfort in it

I do not know you Elliot

I will not fulfill the yearning to know you or any other the way I've wanted
Not in this life
But for now

This knife will suffice
And that is enough

I edit my own memory
My history a constant mosaic of events that may or may not have happened
Over dramatized or overlooked
Cut for time
Added for effect
Sometimes I forget who I am
Was that conversation real?
I replay moments thatve been tampered by my own biased feelings
Occasionally though
There are things I can recall perfectly
At 6 years old I layed in the back of my parents car and watched tree branches
float through the sky as if being pulled by on a sheet
From time to time my memory focuses
And I'll gesture as if fixing the lens
And then the clarity of your face on that perfect night cuts through
Your speaker reflected blue and green and reds on the walls while we listened to Elliot and spoke about life like cinema
I remember thinking that this could not be real
That someone added another reel to my reality to make it more interesting
And I remember you slipping into sleep and as my eyes grew heavy I couldn't help the small stream of tears that built up and collapsed in the corners of them
That moment was pure happiness for me
I hope it was for you too
We may never have a moment like that again
Who knows
But I'm so glad I could share something that beautiful with you
I wouldn't want it with anyone else

Every time I time I think I'm vacant
Seeing you floods my chest again
I don't know how much more I can stomach
I think I need to run away from this
But the more I run the harder it becomes to breath
I can't imagine the damage I've done to you
We were doomed from the start
Weren't we?

An orange
Wrapped in paper towels
Rotting at the bus stop
Turns the air into sour wine

Rain strikes the pavement
Rinsing blood and alcohol
And spit and ash
From the concrete

Cradled beneath a steel bench
The suburbs resemble orchards
Family Trees
Bearing no fruit

Shake me sunlight dreamer
Let tears of light echo from the moon
And fade into makeshift horizons
Their presence like warm medication
Seducing the brain
Peircing in a soft delude
As if to warn against the crisp corruption
That so innocently
resonates in the hollow of her naked eyes

We used to be mates
now we’re cell mates
This house is just a place we sleep
This bed is just another place we read

A Prison
Pending release

You used to be so sentimental
I would sing your words with jealousy
But that’s on me

My legs hurt
Why do my legs hurt?
They didn't get into a fight
Are they sad?
I hurt when I am sad
Do legs become sad?
They become restless
They fall asleep
They become tired
So why wouldn't they become sad?
They are sad
I have sad legs

A pantry of unopened cans
And dried goods
going bad
Peaches and oranges
Rotting
Growing mold
Fragrances of spoiled sustenance
Crawl across the distilled air
And penetrate my nostrils
I've wasted these things
Wasted time and money
In hopes my appetite would return
And that I could enjoy the sweet juices and broths that'd provide for a body now aching
Consuming itself
Rotting like moldy peaches and oranges
But time has passed
They're no longer healthy
And I suffer in their presence
In their absence
In my own negligence

I am a sidewalk

Walked all over
Spit on
And often overlooked

But I still serve a purpose

Bathing in sunlights golden glow
My chest is hollow
Breaths sinking in duranged seas of self pity
Black holes reflecting no emotion in my skull
That twinkle in my eyes been lost
I took it from myself
I break it every day
Conscience gone
What have I become
I'll never forget this day
The day I lost my humanity
The day I knew I wasn't supposed to be here
Burry me in my mistakes
In my misguided intentions
In tears shed for my name
Drown me with them
Pouring this sickness down my throat
Fill this empty vessel with it
In hopes that I don't reject it
In hopes that I can one day
Know the warmth I missed out on
Bathing in sun lights golden glow
Oblivious to my surroundings
To my peers
Restore me
Or let me lay here until night falls
And I can rest helpless
In soft decay

I wish I could tell you
Everything I want to say
All the things you don't want to hear
Things that I'm probably too stupid to articulate

But you don't know what you want
Like I do
And that's you

Am I conceded
And selfish
For even writing this?

Sometimes I think I still see you on street corners
Minding your own business
Going somewhere
To someone
With something to do
a smile on your face
And it makes me happy
To know you’re happy
And it makes me wonder
How a feeling could linger so long
When it probably isn’t
What I thought it was
Sometimes I think I see you on street corners
But it’s just a stranger passing by
Or maybe you’re just a stranger now

I'm going to pretend this feeling doesn't exist until it doesn't
I'm going to do my best to forget your face no matter how hard it is
This is taking too long and I can't hold myself back anymore

As my skull cracks
Thoughts run like yolk from my lips
I watch street lights flicker like frames on a screen
I rest pills beneath my tongue till they turn into chalk
Merging with the grain of my teeth
I see strangers in passing
Each new body feels like a steady beat of nonsense
Losing all reason
All meaning
There is no savior
Only silence

Every year another person fades in and out of my life
And I can't help but think of them as tiny candles on a birthday cake
adding up over the years
Lights of hope blown out
And wishes that never came true

Today I realized that
I've been missing you for longer than we were together

Only those who care for you can hear you when you’re silent

Homesick for you

It's easier to pretend you don't exist

Bury me among the evergreens
Fog rolling over the hills
Smoldering from my body
As the cascades separate us
This heart still beats for you

No one could hate me
As much as I hate myself
I hope this is where it ends

These things were never meant for me
And I ache from clawing at the ground
As time pulls me away from those moments
Anything to stay
Anything to numb
Anything to encourage ignorance

Anything to to avoid being alone

If I was in a better place
Maybe things would have worked out

Idle time away
Consume the day
And find a reason
To drift away