Today I realized that
I've been missing you for longer than we were together

A pantry of unopened cans
And dried goods
going bad
Peaches and oranges
Rotting
Growing mold
Fragrances of spoiled sustenance
Crawl across the distilled air
And penetrate my nostrils
I've wasted these things
Wasted time and money
In hopes my appetite would return
And that I could enjoy the sweet juices and broths that'd provide for a body now aching
Consuming itself
Rotting like moldy peaches and oranges
But time has passed
They're no longer healthy
And I suffer in their presence
In their absence
In my own negligence

No one could hate me
As much as I hate myself
I hope this is where it ends

I continue asking
"Why does this keep happening?"
As if I don't know
That I'm the problem

I can't help but grin
At how tragic things have become
I wish I had the opportunity to find out if this could have survived
But before we know it
You'll be gone
And I'll still be here
The way Ive always been

I am nothing more than a shallow adaptation of who I wish to be
Masking bare basic frustrations and regrets in semi-articulate hiccups of "poetry"
But when it really matters I am speechless
Drained of any authentic essence
Ravaged by obstacles I create within myself
Professional self saboteur
A mass of inner conflict
With a fragile and forced jovial shell hiding it all
Hurting myself and those surrounding me in the process
I am undeserving of those that are in my life

You let a good one go