what was it?
was my smile not big enough?
was my hair not neat enough?
was i not smart enough?
was i not pretty enough?
was i not enough for you?

why?
why did you choose him?
why did you not fight for me?
why did you not learn?
why could you not love me?

what did i do wrong?
what is wrong with me?

i was only four.

while you're away,
halfway across the planet,
when you have a bad day
and never planned it,
i'll be here for you,
waiting...
          waiting...
                    waiting.­..
for you to come back to me.

He kisses my shoulder and works his lips up to my neck.
"Give me a goodnight kiss" he whispers into my ear.
I still remember how his hot breath grazed my skin.

Darkness.
I  fall into sleep.
Kisses, hesitant at first on my shoulder blade.
Then he works his way to my neck line.

Darkness.
I fall into sleep
Hands touching me,
Moving lower and lower...
Lips follow in pursuit.
Lower... until his lips touch mine.
Not the lips I drank the alcohol with,
But the ones that are never seen.

Darkness. Again.
Eyes shut, I feel him. Inside.
Short strokes 1...2...3...4...

Darkness. Paralysis.
Or maybe it was shock. It was unclear,
But what I knew for certain is that he was an intruder,
To whom I did not give the right of passage.
He stole from me. and even if he had wanted to,
It could not be returned. For how do you give back a choice.

it had been years,
but you still make
my breath catch.
i loved that boy
i left behind,
but i love the man,
i see before me now.

you and i just needed
time to grow into ourselves.

they said they were your friends.
they said they had your back,
but where were they
when you needed them?
gone.
gone with that bottle,
gone with the music,
gone with the lights,
gone as the smokers.
just gone, no where to be seen.
but he wasn't gone.
the only thing i wanted to be gone, was not.

I don't believe in love at first site.
There I said it, but I still fell hard.
It wasn't the first time that we met,
But the first time you looked at me with love,
In those big brown chestnut eyes of yours.
It was the first time you embraced me.
I felt safe and secure in your arms.
And then you smiled and I lost my breathe.
To think, it couldn't be more surreal,
But then you had asked me to be yours.
You wanted me because I was me,
Not for any wrong rhyme or reason.
You stole from me, but I didn't care.
My heart belonged to you from the start.

Looks like you aren't the only one with demons lurking in the shadows.
Looks like you aren't the only one who feels alone.
Looks like you aren't the only one who cries yourself to sleep.
Looks like you aren't the only one who wants to end the pain.
Looks like you aren't the only one looking for a purpose.
Looks like you aren't the only one who hides behind a smile.

Looks like I want to be the one to help.
Looks like I want to be the one you tell.
Looks like I want to be the one who cares.
Looks like I want to be the one who's there.

Because it looks like I used to be in your shoes.

they tell me i am stubborn,
because i let my hands burn.
but no need to show concern.

it's not for a personal gain,
but in fact to numb all the pain.
and let negative thoughts abstain.

they don't know the alternative,
that i should choose not to live,
or find a way to forgive.

but those thoughts still find me at night.
i try to put up a good fight,
while the darkness consumes the light

then i remember for every nightfall,
there is a sun-rise awaiting the call,
to remind me of reasons to stand tall.

life is already too short for this,
and there is too many people i'd miss,
so one more day, these thoughts i can dimiss

who really knows me?
all of me?
no one.
i don't think if they did,
they could accept all of me.
the good days,
the bad days,
and the sad days.
i disappoint,
i push away,
and i'm hard to love,
but only because i make it so.
why you ask...
i don't trust anyone
with my most prize possession.
mi corazon.

is it too late...
can we start over?
will you give me a chance
to make right, my wrongs.

i know i hurt you,
and i know i pushed.
but only because i was afraid.
of what exactly?
i guess the fear of
being let down.
you seemed too good to be true,
so i pushed and pushed
until you were just out of  my reach.
now who hurt who?

i don't want you to be
the one that got away,
so let me make it up.
i promise to do better
and be better for you.

i think she's more stubborn than me!

i let you down over and over again.
i disappointed you over and over again.
i lied to you over and over again.
all you ever wanted was to love me,
but i made it such a challenge.
yet did you give up on me?
no.
did you stop loving me?
no.
you managed to break down
my brick walls.
God brought me to you for a reason.
i think so you could save a life (or three)
and you did.
you showed me what true,
unconditional love is.
i know i didn't make your job easy,
and for that i will always be sorry.
but for you i will always be grateful.

i just want to be someone's first thought when they wake up,
and their last thought before they fall asleep.
i want to know that i am someone's priority.
i'm tired of feeling like everyone's second choice.
room full of people, but i'm still alone.
that's an understatement.
i just want to matter to somebody.
anybody.

i guess you just thought
that i'd wait forever.
well i won't,
and i'm not.
you thought you had
your hooks deep in me.
well you don't,
you were caught.
and now
there is nothing.
you thought,
and that was your first mistake

they will call you a liar.
let them.
they will say you wanted it.
let them.
they will make you question yourself.
you know what happened,
you know how it happened.

they are going to call you a ****,
but keep your head up high.
you know you are stronger,
then they will ever be.
you've come too far,
to give up now.

and there i go again.
trying to pick up the broken pieces
of the canvas i call "my life"

thought i was over that phase
thought i was finding myself
thought i was in a better place
didn't think it would slowly creep back into my life.