i just want to be someone's first thought when they wake up,
and their last thought before they fall asleep.
i want to know that i am someone's priority.
i'm tired of feeling like everyone's second choice.
room full of people, but i'm still alone.
that's an understatement.
i just want to matter to somebody.
anybody.

is it too late...
can we start over?
will you give me a chance
to make right, my wrongs.

i know i hurt you,
and i know i pushed.
but only because i was afraid.
of what exactly?
i guess the fear of
being let down.
you seemed too good to be true,
so i pushed and pushed
until you were just out of  my reach.
now who hurt who?

i don't want you to be
the one that got away,
so let me make it up.
i promise to do better
and be better for you.

i think she's more stubborn than me!

i let you down over and over again.
i disappointed you over and over again.
i lied to you over and over again.
all you ever wanted was to love me,
but i made it such a challenge.
yet did you give up on me?
no.
did you stop loving me?
no.
you managed to break down
my brick walls.
God brought me to you for a reason.
i think so you could save a life (or three)
and you did.
you showed me what true,
unconditional love is.
i know i didn't make your job easy,
and for that i will always be sorry.
but for you i will always be grateful.

they tell me i am stubborn,
because i let my hands burn.
but no need to show concern.

it's not for a personal gain,
but in fact to numb all the pain.
and let negative thoughts abstain.

they don't know the alternative,
that i should choose not to live,
or find a way to forgive.

but those thoughts still find me at night.
i try to put up a good fight,
while the darkness consumes the light

then i remember for every nightfall,
there is a sun-rise awaiting the call,
to remind me of reasons to stand tall.

life is already too short for this,
and there is too many people i'd miss,
so one more day, these thoughts i can dimiss

what was it?
was my smile not big enough?
was my hair not neat enough?
was i not smart enough?
was i not pretty enough?
was i not enough for you?

why?
why did you choose him?
why did you not fight for me?
why did you not learn?
why could you not love me?

what did i do wrong?
what is wrong with me?

i was only four.

He kisses my shoulder and works his lips up to my neck.
"Give me a goodnight kiss" he whispers into my ear.
I still remember how his hot breath grazed my skin.

Darkness.
I  fall into sleep.
Kisses, hesitant at first on my shoulder blade.
Then he works his way to my neck line.

Darkness.
I fall into sleep
Hands touching me,
Moving lower and lower...
Lips follow in pursuit.
Lower... until his lips touch mine.
Not the lips I drank the alcohol with,
But the ones that are never seen.

Darkness. Again.
Eyes shut, I feel him. Inside.
Short strokes 1...2...3...4...

Darkness. Paralysis.
Or maybe it was shock. It was unclear,
But what I knew for certain is that he was an intruder,
To whom I did not give the right of passage.
He stole from me. and even if he had wanted to,
It could not be returned. For how do you give back a choice.

I don't believe in love at first site.
There I said it, but I still fell hard.
It wasn't the first time that we met,
But the first time you looked at me with love,
In those big brown chestnut eyes of yours.
It was the first time you embraced me.
I felt safe and secure in your arms.
And then you smiled and I lost my breathe.
To think, it couldn't be more surreal,
But then you had asked me to be yours.
You wanted me because I was me,
Not for any wrong rhyme or reason.
You stole from me, but I didn't care.
My heart belonged to you from the start.