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1.1k · May 2021
I Love You
LJ May 2021
And you said it
With no emotion
And you've said it before
To many
I was no different
But still
I felt honored
To be loved by you
1.1k · Jul 2021
Derealization
LJ Jul 2021
Am I real?

I don't... feel real.

Am I alive?

Or am I dead?

Everything is so...

L O U D-

"Hey!!"

Huh...?

"Dude! Are you okay?"

Oh, it's him...

"Hey, it's okay, I'm here..."

'I'm here...'



Liar.
782 · Apr 2021
I Don't Want to Wake Up
LJ Apr 2021
You tried to shake me awake. "Wake up! It's time to eat!"
And I swatted your hand away, and it might've been rude but...
"I don't want to."
717 · Mar 2021
Commitment
LJ Mar 2021
"Goodnight, dear. I love you."

But as usual, I can't bring myself to say it back.
684 · Aug 2021
Mourn with the Moon
LJ Aug 2021
When you mourn
You mourn with the moon
Because she too
Weeps at the tragedy
248 · Mar 2021
Tear Stains
LJ Mar 2021
I didn't know tear stains were a thing
Until I met you
Hello :) this is my second account. Check out my main, IlliterateCardinal007 where I post more and with better quality.
238 · Apr 2021
Deserved
LJ Apr 2021
I say
I don't deserve you
Find someone better
But in truth
What does it mean to deserve?
LJ Jun 2021
Only when the sun rises can I fall asleep
And the sun looking in
Through cracked windows
Tells me to sleep, but it's day, so why sleep?
But at night, I can't rest
So I might as well squeeze some in
Sleep through the days
Cry through the nights
Sleep when the moon
Finally says goodbye
Talking with the moon
All through the night
And only when it sleeps
Can I do the same
Goodnight moon
Until next time
219 · Jun 2021
Improvise
LJ Jun 2021
When you can't fly,
You learn to jump
As high as you can
200 · Oct 2021
Worth More
LJ Oct 2021
You deserve something so much grander than Earth
You deserve stars delivered at your doorstep
The moon planted in your yard
You deserve the universe
And one day,
I'm gonna be the one to give it to you
I promise you the universe
I promise you stars
I promise you the moon
Just stay with me a little longer
199 · Jun 2021
Let's See
LJ Jun 2021
I'm not sure
If I want to sleep
Or die
But I'll find out
When I close
My eyes
199 · Jul 2021
It Doesnt Fit
LJ Jul 2021
My smile doesn't fit me anymore
Too big for my skinny face
Too pained to really mean anything
197 · Jul 2021
Rose
LJ Jul 2021
A single red rose
Planted above recently laid out dirt
Dirt that had been hammered down
With an old shovel
Dirt that made an audience
With tear stained smiles
And soft apologies
They whispered a final goodbye
And the rose lost a petal.
173 · Jun 2021
Because You're Worth It
LJ Jun 2021
"Why are you here?"

"Because I love you."

"Will you leave me?"

"No, I'm not going anywhere."
146 · May 2021
Don't Call Me
LJ May 2021
I'm so glad you're moving on
Just don't call me
When it goes downhill
In fact,
Don't call me at all.
127 · Jul 2021
I Hate This Job
LJ Jul 2021
The moon was still visible, but hard to see behind cotton candy skies. The moon rested just above the lake a mile or so out. Twilight was always gorgeous out here.

My target was one of the only ones who left their window open with this windy weather. But it’d make it easier to sneak in.

God, when did I start calling him my target? I hate this job.

I climbed through the window quietly.

His room was dark, all black and gray except for the curtains, which were white. The curtains were going crazy in the breeze, while everything else sat still. What a dull room.  

I sighed and took out my gun; a simple pistol with a suppressor attached. I took a deep breath and silently crept towards his bed.

He looked so peaceful, sleeping. I took another deep breath and crossed the room to the bed. I looked at his sleeping body sadly. This was the last time I’d ever get to see him again. I hate this job.

I climbed on the bed, quickly putting my gun to his head and my hand to his throat before he could react. He woke up and looked at me, shocked. God, this hurts. I hate this job.

He calmed down a little. Is he not afraid to die? Or did he think I was too weak to shoot someone I was so close to? He looked at me and reached his hand out to my face. His voice was raspy, and his throat moved on the inside of my palm. It felt kinda gross, but I didn’t move my hand.

“You-“ He put his hand on my arm softly. It didn’t hurt. He wasn’t trying to hurt me. It just made it harder knowing I had to hurt him. I hate this job.

He moved his hand to my face and caressed my cheek. My ****** expression shifted to a much softer one, but not so much he could tell. It’s hard to tell when I’m happy because of my eyes, which always made me look mad. ​Evil.

Nightmare eyes, I always thought. He always said I was beautiful no matter what, but I hated them. I didn’t really mind when he called me such feminine things either, until all the guys in my school started calling me girly. Even then, I didn’t say anything to him. I let him call me whatever because it was him.

My mom used to say my eyes always made me look evil. Blonde hair and red eyes. The guys in my school always made fun of me for it. But he never did. 'Guys leave him alone,' he told them, 'he can’t control it, just like you can’t control how small your brain is.'

“Last words. Make em’ count.” I ordered. A tear fell slowly down his cheek and was absorbed by the pillow.  

He smiled weakly. I loosened my grip around his neck but didn’t let go. He rested his palm against my cheek.

“You’re beautiful.” He said.
125 · Mar 2021
Don't Cry For Me
LJ Mar 2021
My mother was the one who took me to the hospital. I would've died if it wasn't for her. She blamed herself for not seeing it sooner... missing the red flags. I kept telling her that it wasn't her fault. She did absolutely everything right, but she won't change her opinion.
Eventually, she cried. I was laying on her chest, she was careful of the tubes when I climbed on her. I was half asleep when I felt the tears running down my neck and listened to her muffled sobs. I didn't know what to do in that moment.
My neck grew cold and my chest grew heavy, but I stayed silent.
118 · Jul 2021
Tired
LJ Jul 2021
My alarm clock mocks me with flashing lights
"Wake up! Wake up!" Is all it cries.
I try my best, to no avail
The best I've done is stay out of jail.

Breathe, you can do this
But being trapped under these blankets... it's bliss.
Get up, one step at a time
God, will the alarm stop that chime?!

I'm frustrated already, it's 10 in the morning.
My brain keeps shouting some false warning
Nothing will go wrong, so what's the issue?
I'm gonna cry, but I can't get up and grab a tissue.

My alarm clock yells
Those annoying bells
A simple task
JUST GET OUT OF BED




I'm going back to sleep.
116 · Jul 2021
Why Are You Here?
LJ Jul 2021
I knocked on the door lightly. I obviously got no answer… I don’t know what I was expecting. I opened the door and squeezed in, shutting it just as quickly and quietly as I had opened it.

The room felt duller than usual… I couldn’t tell if it was because of the weather, the boring colors, or the aura of a patient waiting to die.

He was looking out the window. The weather was cold, and the skyline had been invisible, thanks to fog. It was rainy. People ran through the storm to their cars below us. The windows had been covered in rain, and all you could here was the steady beat of the heart monitor and the rain pouring outside. It smelled like hand sanitizer and lies. A shiver crawled down my spine just being in here for 5 seconds… I wonder what it has done to him for 5 months.

I hadn’t seen him for years. I wasn’t exactly ready for this confrontation, but it had to happen. I knew that. If I ever wanted to move on in my life, I had to see him again.

His brown hair was messy and fell over his eyes. The light from outside had a soft gray glow reflecting onto his pale face, making him look ghostlier than ever. His skinny, underweight arms were resting on his stomach, and his green eyes had a dark tint on the skin under them.

Seeing him like this just made it more obvious why he was here in the first place. He didn’t sleep, he didn’t eat, he didn’t drink… he made himself sick. His bony fingers tapped on his hand anxiously. He turned to face me. His face looked dreary, and he looked sad in general. I gulped and widened my eyes, not ready for his icy stare when he looked like this.

He sighed and I relaxed my face, calmed down as soon as he wasn’t staring at me.

“Why are you here?” he asked me.
115 · Aug 2021
Phantom Touch
LJ Aug 2021
The ghost of your touch
Still burns on my skin
Though you are not here anymore,
The feeling of you
Will stay forever
108 · May 2021
Your Name I Cried
LJ May 2021
Your name I screamed as I opened the door
Your name I cried when I found your body
Your name I  whimpered as I called the ambulance
Your name I whispered as they took your body away
Your name I breathed as I sat on your bed, alone.
103 · Mar 2021
Puppet
LJ Mar 2021
"Do you love me?" You give the strings on my heart a little tug. I sigh and say yes, feeling obligated to make you feel better about yourself.
But the moment you said, "Do it." The strings weakened.
And the moment you stuck your tongue down my throat, they snapped.
100 · Jul 2021
Deal
LJ Jul 2021
“Please!! Just a little more time!!”

“One year. That was the deal.” He held his hand out.

I took one look back at the life I had made in this extra time I was granted. I turned back to Death, face full of tears. I sighed.

And turned back to him.

I took his hand.
97 · Mar 2021
Necessary Precautions
LJ Mar 2021
I had just finished my food. Mom had made spaghetti.
I shouldn't have eaten anything. I ran to the bathroom.
Just to be safe, I paced around the toilet.
Just to be safe.
96 · Jul 2021
Moving On (The Two of Us)
LJ Jul 2021
She wants me to be loved
She wants me to move on
She wants me to get by
Without someone to lean on

I'm not much one for games
I'm not much one for laughs
I'm not much one for smiles
But for her, I'd love all that
95 · Mar 2021
Taking Care of Myself
LJ Mar 2021
Barely sleeping
Barely eating
I'm sure soon
The reaper's reaping.
Barely eating
Always weeping
A monster near me
Silently creeping
Barely sleeping
Alarm is beeping
But I'm too
Busy grieving
LJ Apr 2021
"Everything's okay'"
"Nothing is fine."
"You'll be okay-"
"In how much time?"
"Listen to what I say-"
"As long as it's kind."
"I've had some time away-"
"And what did you find?"
"That it'll be okay-"
"But I've waited a long time."
"The pain goes away-"
"I think you are lying."
"Please, it's okay-"
"Nothing is fine."
91 · Mar 2021
In the Moment
LJ Mar 2021
"What are you thinking about?"
"W-What?"
"I can tell that you're thinking about something."
"I guess..."
"Don't. Just stay in the now with me, alright?"
"...okay."
91 · Jun 2021
The Number on the Scale
LJ Jun 2021
The number on the scale guides me
The number on the clock beside me
Hand in hand
I'm slowly killing myself
5:18
And I haven't slept in days
118 lbs.
And I'm still feeling fat
The number on the scale
Takes my hand
And gives me some friendly advice
"You should eat less," it tells me
And so I do
I barely eat at all
Actually

Because my only caretaker
Is the number on the scale
88 · Mar 2021
Consequences
LJ Mar 2021
I will not be there
When you need a friend
After all it's your fault
That we reached our end
87 · Apr 2021
Looking Out For You
LJ Apr 2021
I packed your lunch box
I ran you a bath
Mom was asleep
So I helped you with your math
I wiped your tears
And hummed a tune
You snuggled up close
In a tight blanket cocoon
You closed your eyes
You drooled on my chest
And I smiled softly
Oh, baby sister, rest
Sleep well
Sweet dreams
You know,
All those things
Big brother loves you
You sweet baby girl
I'll love you forever
You're my whole world
Momma is asleep
Dad's left for work
So when you are in trouble
I have to be the ****
But baby girl I love you
I don't mean to be so harsh
And though my punishments angering,
I'll never make you starve
The way mom and dad
Always treated me
I just hope that you
Grow up peacefully
Baby sister you're growing
And I am so, so proud
And I'm sorry I'm all that's there
No parents are around
But baby girl I love you
And no payments due
I'm just looking out for you
Like I always do
LJ Jun 2021
You're stressed
And you've no trust left
And your face never shows
Emotion

But underneath all that
You let me in
And for that
I'm grateful

But when you opened that door
I saw the room
And it was beautiful
But poorly taken care of

And when you treated me well
Though you've been through hell
I couldn't do anything
But think

You deserve
So much better
Than the life
You've been given.
86 · Apr 2021
No hate like love
LJ Apr 2021
There's no hate quite like Christian love,
Kicking your child out of your house
Because she decides she wants to be
A man
There's no hate quite like Christian love,
The pastor preaches his beliefs
And everyone agrees that
A man should not lie with another man
There's no hate quite like Christian love,
You decide you would choose religion
Over your own son.
There is no hate quite like Christian "love,"
When religion comes first
When all we need
Is your support
85 · Apr 2021
Ugly
LJ Apr 2021
I don't want to see me, either
It is revolting.
84 · Apr 2021
You Are Not Fair To Me
LJ Apr 2021
Laying my head
On your shoulder
Your head resting gently
On mine
You kiss my forehead
Stop that
I am not yours to kiss
But it felt nice
When you moved your fingers
From the side of my cheek
And allowed them to wander on my neck
Dancing across the skin
And when you put your hand back on my thigh
I still felt the tingling feeling
On my neck
And God
I am falling in love with you again
But I will not give in
Because what you are doing is not fair
You don't love me
And I am not supposed to love you
It's not fair
Don't touch me again
But please
Please God
Please keep touching me
83 · Jun 2021
Not Photography
LJ Jun 2021
It's not photography
It's just a heavily edited picture
83 · Jul 2021
Just a Little More Time
LJ Jul 2021
I don't understand you

But I'd like to

I just wish I had more time.
82 · Jun 2021
Preserved
LJ Jun 2021
Like a dead fossil crystallized in amber
My image of you held perfection
And perhaps I left before things got too bad
Because I wanted to preserve that image of you
77 · Mar 2021
Just Another Thought
LJ Mar 2021
I am only an idea
Nothing more than a passing thought in your brain
One that isn't around often
But often enough for you to know it's there
But why care so much?
I'm just another thought.
LJ May 2021
When the hospital was my home
People cared
People gave me gifts
Apologized
Told me how much I mattered
When the hospital was my home
People were there
People said hi
Noticed me
Recognized their mistakes
Now that home is my house
The darkness
Blends nicely with the loneliness
A nice collage
Of depression
Now that home is just a house
Nobody cares
75 · Jun 2021
Alone in Transition
LJ Jun 2021
I'm alone in transition
Everything's shifting
And the biggest shift of them all
Is who I have to hold
I'm not old enough
To understand what I want
So when I see videos
Of parents calling their transgender child
"Son"
"Handsome"
I cry
Not because I'm happy
Because I'm sad
That they get that
And I don't

I've seen mothers throw gender reveal parties for their son when they came out as transgender
I have seen a birthday gift being legally changing your name
I have seen support
But have never truly experienced it
73 · Jul 2021
The Porch
LJ Jul 2021
It's so nice being out here
Listening to the world wake up
Well, birds are waking up the world...
But their voices are lovely, so it's not an ill way to wake up at all.

It's so nice being out here
Watching the world wake up
The sky gets brighter around me
And I hardly even notice

It's so nice being out here
Inhaling the scent of the world waking up
It smells like coffee and flowers
A scent I have grown to be quite fond of.

It's so nice being out here
Feeling the world wake up
A car speeds by
And the louder-than-loud bass from the fast-paced song on the radio rumbles underneath my toes.
How ironic, listening to a fast song in a fast car.

It's so nice being out here
It smells, feels, looks, and sounds relaxing...
And I could get used
To sitting on the porch at 5:52 in the morning.
73 · Jun 2021
Mercy
LJ Jun 2021
And with mercy sewn into your smile
A simple smile--even yours--could not spare me
The unending guilt I felt for leaving
73 · Jun 2021
Welcome Home, Son.
LJ Jun 2021
Dear father,

I understand you believe what you were raised to believe.
You grew up in a time that a man who loved another man would never be acceptable.
You grew up in a time that what you were born with is what you would keep.
And I grew up in a time that said:
"Be yourself."
And that's who I'm trying to be.
Your insults are daggers to my already broken heart, and your glare an icy spear...
But one day, I can only home that you welcome me with open arms, the same arms you have comforted me with many times before, and say:
"Welcome home, son."
Until the day my father welcomes me home as his son, it will only he a house.
LJ Mar 2021
"Do you love me?" He asks, his most ugly puppy-dog eyes looking straight at me.

"Yes," I lied, my most manipulative puppy-dog eyes looking straight through him.
71 · Jul 2021
Skating
LJ Jul 2021
Put your blade to the ice
Now soar
71 · Jun 2021
Can't Figure Out Why
LJ Jun 2021
Can't figure out the reason why my parents fight so much
Can't figure out why all the photo albums lie collecting dust
Can't figure out why mom's old room is meant to remain untouched
Can't figure out why dad yells when I do something like breaking a cup
Can't figure out why I'll never be enough
For the parents who left me unloved
70 · Jun 2021
How Do You Do It?
LJ Jun 2021
How do you do it
Bring the fork to your mouth
After seeing something
That makes you lose your appetite
How do you do it
Shower regularly and feel clean
Without feeling so disgusting
No matter how hard you scrub
How do you do it
Sleep
Wake up
Do it all over again
How do you do it
Keep your chin up
When so many things
Have weighed my head down

How do you get through this?
Because I still haven't figured it out
And I could use
A bit of
"Advice"
69 · Jun 2021
Choose
LJ Jun 2021
Make up your mind
You have to choose
Because if you keep doing this game
Of
"I changed my mind"
Both of us
Are gonna end up getting hurt

Choose
You're killing me
69 · Apr 2021
Uh Oh
LJ Apr 2021
Uh oh,
I've been talking to this girl
Everything she says
Makes the butterflies twirl
Uh oh,
Her hand's resting on my thigh
Another soft touch from her
And I just might die
Uh oh,
I'm falling into love again
But I've seen this before,
And I know how it ends.
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