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46 · Jul 2021
Good Person
LJ Jul 2021
I'm a good person
I'm kind to everyone
Even though I've been hurt
So many times

I'm a good person
I'm trying my best
Even if my best
Will never be good enough

I'm a good person
I help where I can
At the cost of my own feelings
I'll help someone else

I'm a good person
I'm losing good weight
Eating so little
To make my body appealing to your eyes

I'm a good person
I'm doing so much
Just waking up in the morning
I'm trying to help

Am I good person?
I realize I try to help
But will I ever make
Someone's life better?
45 · Jun 2021
Welcome Home, Son.
LJ Jun 2021
Dear father,

I understand you believe what you were raised to believe.
You grew up in a time that a man who loved another man would never be acceptable.
You grew up in a time that what you were born with is what you would keep.
And I grew up in a time that said:
"Be yourself."
And that's who I'm trying to be.
Your insults are daggers to my already broken heart, and your glare an icy spear...
But one day, I can only home that you welcome me with open arms, the same arms you have comforted me with many times before, and say:
"Welcome home, son."
Until the day my father welcomes me home as his son, it will only he a house.
43 · Jul 2021
Impact
LJ Jul 2021
It's not a matter of when I will die,
It's not a matter of how I will die,
It's not even a matter of why I'll die.
It's a matter of...
"Will anyone care?"
"Will I have left a dent on the Earth?"
"Will I have mattered?"
"Will I have changed someone's life?"
And if I can't answer those questions...
Then maybe...

I don't wanna die yet.
42 · Jul 2021
After All This Time
LJ Jul 2021
“Did they forget yours, too?”

He looked at me for a second before sitting next to me on the cold bench. “My birthday?” He shook his head. “Nah, I didn’t tell anyone.”

We sat like that for a moment, the only noise being from the cold October breeze. “Oh.”

We enjoyed the comfortable silence for a moment before he spoke up again. “Birthday's aren’t fun without you, anyways.”

I froze, not expecting him to say anything like that. I looked at him. “What?”

He looked me in the eye and spoke softly. “You mean a lot to me, so don’t go spending important days like these alone. I want to be by your side, just like you were by mine. Is that okay?”

Looking at him now, on the old bench my grandfather made, I was reminded of when we were younger. Even before all this ****, he was here.

His hands were a lot rougher now, his hair a bit grayer, but after all this time, he’s here.

“Yeah…” I said after a moment of silence. “Yeah, I’d quite like that, actually.”
42 · Jun 2021
How Do You Do It?
LJ Jun 2021
How do you do it
Bring the fork to your mouth
After seeing something
That makes you lose your appetite
How do you do it
Shower regularly and feel clean
Without feeling so disgusting
No matter how hard you scrub
How do you do it
Sleep
Wake up
Do it all over again
How do you do it
Keep your chin up
When so many things
Have weighed my head down

How do you get through this?
Because I still haven't figured it out
And I could use
A bit of
"Advice"
40 · Jun 2021
The Strings On My Guitar
LJ Jun 2021
The strings on the guitar
Are so close to snapping
Though, I unfortunately
Have to tune it up
Every time I twist the ****
It inches closer
And closer
And eventually it will snap

I'm never touching it again
I'm too scared to break it
...well, I will touch it...
The temptation is too strong...

But every strum, I will wince
40 · Jun 2021
I'm Just Glass
LJ Jun 2021
It's like you were an alcoholic
And I was just another empty bottle
38 · Jun 2021
Beauty is Pain
LJ Jun 2021
I've lost my appetite
I mean
Sure, my stomach sounds
As if it is screaming for me to get up
And get some food
But when I actually get that food
Then what?
I raise the fork to my lips
And try not to hurl
And ****
How good it feels
This emptiness
Satisfies me
The crying
Calms me
The diet
Flattens me

Besides
They say
"Beauty is Pain"
LJ Jun 2021
The little things remind my grandparents
Of when my mom was little

Like how when we go on the speedboat
I sit at the very front
And watch the water pass by
"You look just like your mom"
They tell me

Or how whenever I pick up an instrument
And play a tune
They smile
"You're your mother's child"
They tell me

Or how
When I'm scared
I make sure no one else
Feels the same
I get it from my momma

All this strength
That's all her
38 · Jun 2021
A Note Would've Been Nice
LJ Jun 2021
I don't know why
You left me
Without saying goodbye
But maybe
It's my fault you ran
It always is
Bury my head in sand
It's never his
I'm just a bit embarrassed
Don't worry, dear
But, in all fairness
You're never here
You left me with no road home
No reason to try
You left me feeling lost and alone
All I could do was cry

I'm not saying it's all your fault,
My burn just needs some ice,
But to pour on wounds some salt,
A note would've been nice.
37 · Jun 2021
The Number on the Scale
LJ Jun 2021
The number on the scale guides me
The number on the clock beside me
Hand in hand
I'm slowly killing myself
5:18
And I haven't slept in days
118 lbs.
And I'm still feeling fat
The number on the scale
Takes my hand
And gives me some friendly advice
"You should eat less," it tells me
And so I do
I barely eat at all
Actually

Because my only caretaker
Is the number on the scale

— The End —