I don't walk that road anymore
I don't drive that gravel anymore
You probably don't remember my eyes,
They shined bluer that night
then ever before
I still don't dance,
And I really only like holding hands

But I hope you're happy
I hope you still dance
I hope they ease the pains
that I couldn't erase
I hope she's everything
I could never be

I've been drowning
ever since I can remember
My eyes blend in
with the ocean floors water
So you'll never see how
I still die when I remember your name

Frozen at the bottom,
every so often I break free
Whenever I think of that day
Resurface to consume air
Only to inhale lungs full of water
And maybe one day
I'll let my self go,
Drift to your level

And maybe it'll be fields of flowers,
Maybe it will be rocks and flames,
Or maybe it will be empty
Like the feeling of you forgetting my name

Be thankful
because you wasn't his first time.

I was.

You're like a leg cramp
that just won't go away.

I can eat all the bananas,
drink all the mustard.
Rub it out,
walk it around.

Please,
just go away.

Moments,
That's what it's about.
A collective amount
of moments that you share,
or shared with.
Maybe never had.

I want it to be him so bad.

I would hate myself with reason
when I think of the moments
we could have had.

But I will never know.

What is it about them?
The ignorance that became bliss.
The way every one of them
makes me laugh and
equally is annoying
to my senses.

You were a drug,
He was the dream.

It shouldn't be so hard
to fall in love again.

The brightest day
in my darkest nights
will be when I learn
of your untimely demise

You were never better than me.

You were conniving and evil,
a snake.

But I gladly cut your head off.

It was never about you.
It will never be about you.

So you dragged my name through mud.

At least I will never depend
on a guy to sustain me
while you work in a
Off-brand electronic store
Inside Walmart.

Do us all a favor
and finish what you started
When Zach got the right idea
and left your ***
And never looked back.

I wonder what you'd think of me now
I'm not that child anymore
I don't help the underdog,
I don't go out of my way
I'm just here
And you're there
And you don't care anymore
You probably never really did
But you cared enough to tell me
The same as my father
It's funny how
One black hole spits you out
Only to venture into your black hole
And this one?
This one will be the death of me
And so will his.
But his is otherworldly,
A different kind
Because he can't even bring himself
To even look at me again,
Falls asleep with her
In his arms,
Like I never even existed,
Like I'm nothing.

She screamed his name,

But he wiped his lips

of my existence.

I could have cried,

I should have.

"Please, don't give up on me"

I wanted to beg.

She's everything you wanted,

But I'm everything

you'll never have.

He's a cat.
A black cat, to be exact.

And he has the hair for it,
The attitude too.

So elusive and persuasive.
But he doesn't really care.

He's nice to everyone
but me.

I feed him with food
And all the attention in the world

Give me it back.
Give me your time.

I want to touch him,
but we've never even pressed
skin together

I want to taste him.

He isn't even attractive.
He's just..him.

But I want to know if
His breath tastes bad
and if his lips are soft

I want to know how soft
He is.




A black cat that rubs your leg,
But bites you with every pet.

It's easy to love a straight guy
You have no expectation,
Though you want them.
A lack of ******
Keeps you in the clear.

But I want him.
And I'm everything he doesn't want.

The way he's soft,
His ugly hair
And poor sense of style.
And his awkward demeanor,
Walking on his toes

The way he speaks softly
With a grand taste,
Like Mt. Dew.

I want him,
But I'm an off-brand of Diet Mt. Dew.

I'm not a poet
I just know pain
And my pain is consuming me now
Every guy that deliberately
Lead me on
Every guy that decided I wasn't worth it
Every friend I no longer talk to
It's empty
My life is a joke
And I no longer feel like laughing
The courage to decide you've had enough
It isn't selfish or cowardly
To think that this life isn't worth living anymore,
That's bravery to me
The slap in the face to realize
I don't have that same backbone
Almost hurts as much as understanding
That I wouldn't even be missed
Can't look at my reflection,
Can't look at guys in the face
My death will never have purpose
Just like my life will never be worthwhile
But I daydream.
Dream about being enough,
About not needing to be loved and admired
By millions of people.
Just him.
To see the color the sun turns his eyes.
To close my eyes and blindly learn
Every inch of his face.
To actually smile,
Just smile at every word he says.
But there is no him.
There is no sun.
No backbone.
There's just....this.
Emptiness.
A void.
A nothingness that consumes my shakey breath,
Tear soaked cheeks and quivering hands.
I can never pick up the pills, the gun, the blade
In the same way
I can never pick up the hint
That I am literally wanted by no one,
Needed by no one,
Desired to be no where.

I haven't felt the sun in over a decade
And I can't write to save my life
My grandmother is the only reason I stay
Too scared to see her decline,
Too selfish to give her my time
And every poison I intake
Will erase every mistake

It took me five years to cleanse myself
Of all the bile he delt;
I hope he goes to Hell

The big city spat him out,
There was so much of me
He never figured out

There was so much of you
I didn't deserve to know
But there's so much of me
I would never show

And him.
Oh god.
The way he lit my life inside
The way he cared.
I should have listened.
Would I want to die still?
Would I be a lifeless shell?
He's the only one I can't rhyme to.
He took my naivety and ran.

I'm supposed to never be alone
But I have only ever known loneliness.
Too fat for anyone to care.
My mother beat me and yelled everyday
Of my adolescence
My father bought my love
My brother never cared
My friends were fickle
My lovers where travesties

I don't know how the sun feels anymore
I don't know if dry land still itches
I don't know what a laugh is like
That isn't forced

I know how to fake it.
I know how to never ask for help.

And when I go down,
All of the ghost's you left me with
Will never be remembered.

Everything has moved so fast
It's already February
I can't slow things down
The current is drowning me
I want to go back
To the things I can't forget
Too old to stand still
Too young to regret
But that's all my life is
I wish what he said didn't hurt
I wish I was good enough
I wish I could forget you
I wish I never met you
Fast lights and fast life
I wish I was dead
But too scared of what comes after

I see you over there
And I hate it.
Everything you breathe truth to.
The way I was never good enough
For time or you.
I asked you why you didn't accept.
You just sniffled
And looked away.
Congratulations on the brother ****"ng **** addict.
But I'm not some
Simple wrist limp ******.
You're a caveman
And
I
*******
Hate
You.