why is it
that i feel like crumbling
in a room full of people?
why is it
that i don't see anyone's eyes
flicker like a supernova
when they see me?
why is it that i can build people up
so they can see the sky
go on for miles on end,
but i tear myself down
until i am inside the earth
feeling its breaths in sync
with my own?
i want to feel as bright
and as big as the sun
but i keep caving in on myself
i'm so tired
of looking at myself
and seeing nothing
but sadness buried in my bones
i want existing to stop feeling so heavy
i want to feel alive again
without wondering what the catch is
why is that
so much to ask?

If only I had a chance.
To do something meaningful.
To save a life
Or inspire greatness.

But I'm not that kind of person.

I'm not ambitious enough
To do something meaningful.
To make a difference.
To have the world remember
Not me, but what I did.

I'm not helpful enough
To save a life.
The world is too full anyway.
I'd never make enough sense
To even save anyone.

I'm not good enough
To inspire greatness.
I'm not a good person.
And I hate public view
So I don't think about standing up.

I'm not that person.

I haven't been since lower school.
When I still dreamed big.
When I still loved wonder.
When I was afraid of storms
And the boogeyman lived close by.

That person no longer exists.
If only I could go back
To make sure that person lived.
But by doing that
I'd erase me. And everything I am.