we were suppose to be just friends,
but you count the minutes,
between our two apartments, it’s ten
maybe w’ll cross paths again,
depending on the drinks consumed
and the man i’ll be texting next…
now i think there’s been a defect,
eating garlic knots while
discussing our future apartment.
nights are pouring into each other,
now i’m lacing myself to you  -
i make a lot of mistakes, but
my favourite one is us two.

eating up inches of my mind,
the things we say at midnight -
toxic ideas about what love looks like.
please don’t remember me for this,
clinging to ideas of what could be,
romanticizing the way you look idly.
i’ve never been the easy choice
guiding my madness to digest slowly,
and i know i’m off putting in a beautiful way.
the same way tornados look cool as hell
from the comforts of your cement block.
there wouldn’t be a siren loud enough,
to make you see me more.

Who would have guessed it, not me,
circumstances and mishappenings.
Both lead to 2am texts
as the parlour doors close:
"You up?" or "How are you getting home?"
Sometimes you're with her, another me,
birdies tell me, less difficulties -
Do you ever think of me?
Missing my body as she falls asleep.
Does she lend you her shoulder?
I wonder about the life you lead,
still, poisoned words when you’re angry?
Was I only passing time,
a laugh and kiss to get what you need?
It's just a question,
but the answers never make me happy.

(She’s here.)
Sitting patiently at your door,
the day you left your keys,
when the lights got left on,
and the closest fell open
(with your discomposure).
She's the equity collector,
the moral police,
and every cut led to retribution.
(It’s bleeding out.)
You never liked my poems,
so for me, it's all just poetic justice.
Karma tastes too sweet,
like my boyfriend’s oat milk lattes,
the sun between the trees,
and my three rough degrees.
(It’s never been easy.)
Flatter me with evil genius -
but I take no part,
i’ve only been cleaning my conscious,
taking out the garbage,
and making your bed,
(so why don’t you just lay in it?)

you don’t really read into,
all my worrying semantics,
entangled on your couch
with the beers and joints clashing
all the mistakes we’ve made
that led us here dancing
and i feel the lavender haze,
sneaking up on bruised lovers
someone says i’m ******
so we’re ****** with each other
all you keep saying is,
we're going with the flow
but i just want to stay,
in your lavender haze

Summer went away
a father on a business trip,
zipping up what’s left of my
vanity and one night stands.
I wait for dry calls,
clearing my schedule once again,
hoping for a soft launch somewhere.
It’s okay I’m the worst of them,
and I hear you’re bad at this,
texting and relationships.
I learn to forget, an amnesiac narcissist,
from changing addresses, to sunken pillows,
i waited summers to see you there,
i search the streets when
your bold laugh rolls past,
just to remember that you never cared,
you’re on your own, kid,
you always have been.

not the hero,
with my hair thinning,
forehead wrinkles make themselves
at home, the walls i hide in,
his midnights a soft landing
into depression sunrises and
***** soda horoscopes
i can’t stop wondering, “is it me?”
the problem, everyone knows,
but no one remembers -
ticking timers on her shapeless body
feelings i paint by typing words.
i can’t stop searching for her,
my nails are tearing,
it’s not easy being the cool girl,
awkward and unrelenting
with my broken eyes,
always the villain,
never the bride