Who threw the first snowball?
White packing snow flying across,
Av des Pins O and Rue University,
to where we felt wise and so wicked.

Taken by the purity of being young,
naive and valued far more than lost,
to another grace and kind phrase.
I love my friends and hold them dear.

Montreal you project myself too fondly,
involved in culture, rhythms, and sweet language.
and grainy film on knit sleeves in February's dread.
With a bright smile written in cursive letters.

Sunday you message me again,
in the same passive ways as before.
Asking for advice, or where I bought
that french gold mirror we had in our hallway.

I always give you an answer or three,
with the door cracked open again.
You know I'm with him when I do,
hands holding me still, on the beige couch.

Where you once held me crooked.

If I knew all the times
I got it all wrong.
Showed up too late
for their funerals.
Massaged masculinity,
who made matters worse.

If I knew all the times
I doubted myself.
Showed me mirages,
two miles, too late.
Confronting over-confidence,
who coxed intelligence.

If I knew all the times
I doubted myself.
Showed me your type,
simple, slim, & selfish.
Changing my character
for a crafted coy box.

If I knew all the times
I got it all wrong.
Showed up for understudy,
only to play the part.
I wouldn’t be getting roses,
from someone else

If I knew all the times
I got it all wrong.
I wouldn’t know,
how to get it right.

If I could plan forever,
have carbon copies to the keys,
of the open hardwood doors,
to the new loves never seen.
I would create endless mood boards
for the heartaches every night.
Put playlists together,
for the good days out of spite.
(and pre-order Kleenex on Amazon Prime).

If I could plan forever,
there would be an anonymous “him”,
and we’d own like 7 succulents,
all 10 inches thick.
I would make him morning tea,
and he would try to make my day.
Put my miseries at Bay,
(cause he’s probably a swimmer but I don’t know that yet -)

If I could plan forever,
own a personality I liked
share the shining mirror with her,
knowing she had a creative side.
I wouldn’t need to be planning,
for the heartaches and the rent.
I would just put on my playlist,
and listen Today instead.

I try my best to feel merry,
like a Hallmark Christmas Movie,
an angel turning back years and hours,
losing both daylight and humour.

For the first time in a while,
I am starting to feel comfortable.
Each stark snowy street,
has a new set of foot prints.
I don’t always get to split the bills,
sometimes I’m held back an hour.

The cities cars cry out into the banks,
I am crying because I am happy.
You and I drink Starbucks calmly,
trading hats on a bench in November.

If I could paint you
in a single moment
and twist out mauve.
Calm thoughts would form
for a jester like me.
You remaining audience.
I would draw out
my cold feelings like Poe.
Shout for resolution,
knowing you share resolve.
If I could paint you
in a single moment
and pull out trust.
Soft constance would form
for an angel like me.
You remaining front row.
I would draw out
my warped touch like Dali.
Shout for self reflection,
knowing I share the mirror.

Sometimes my lonely
cannot by conquered,
fears tear at nails
and then myself.

Have I ever known peace?

Sometimes my lonely
tells me I can’t.
Fears eat at hopes
and then myself.

Have I ever known trust?

Even in myself,
my nails tear at fears,
that can be conquered,
sometimes I’m lonely
but it cannot be owned.