So often we associate love directly with pain.
We accuse it of causing us
Anguish
Damage
Misery.

Irrationally deciding
To never engage
With another being
On this deeper level again.
Convinced
We must avoid such harm.

But wait—
Is this merely a way
To justify the ways in which
We allow our feelings to hold the power?
Consume us
Confuse us and
Take complete control?

Strip down your hurt
Your anger and
Your bitterness.  
You may see clearer
Recognizing
It is not the presence of love that is hurtful.

Rather
The absence of love
The loss of love
The misidentification of love
Igniting these feelings within.

Truth is,
When love is open
Honest
Pure and
Present
It is truly an invaluable treasure.

I wish to share with you
The patterns of destructive thoughts—
The ones that consume my mind
And contaminate my soul

I’d hoped it was time
FINALLY
I so badly need them to be free

I refrain
And keep them locked away
Trapped within the walls
I have so carefully built

And unfortunately
They shall remain put—
For you are not
Who I thought you were

In a sudden moment
We realize that the idea
Of not knowing for just a little longer
Though causing every fiber of our being
To ache with uncertainty
Is slightly better
Than being broken by the truth

I wonder if he is aware of the immensity of my desire. The things I would do for my body and my mind to be intertwined with his, much more than just every once in a while.

I wonder if he can sense the fear buried within my soul. The way the thought of losing him even for a brief moment, seems to shake up my whole world.

I wonder if he feels the way my eyes gaze over at him in awe, lost in his existence, as he watches the rest of the world. The way my fingers trace his every outline, hoping to memorize each beautiful curve that make up his gentle features.

I wonder if he senses my worry when we do not speak for a few days. The way my mind spirals, creating various irrational thoughts. That even though I give him the space he needs, I wish to engage with him at all times.

I wonder if he ever wonders about me, too.

Perhaps I’m just a lovesick fool.

Still, I wonder.

I feel as though I have given away as much as I can bear,
Without receiving the same in return.
Oh no— I begin to worry.
Where has my selfless nature gone?
Has my genuine desire to uplift the souls around me,
Suddenly vanished from this universe?
Where have those eager and thriving sprouts been buried?
It seems my soil has become much too dry to nourish this growth any longer.
I worry more.
I feel so willing
So capable
But why are my heart and soul
Suddenly so malnourished?
You see truth is,
No matter how strong a plant,
Or how able they are to flourish,
They are less likely to reach this full potential
Without enough
Food
Water
And sunlight.
So yes,
I have become malnourished
But I hold hope
In the countless beings around me
To lend me what I need
To begin new growth.

You say I’m your one
Your love
The greatest you’ve known.
Mesmerized
By your eyes
Your touch
Your warm breath on mine.
I blink
You’re gone.
I seek answers
Tracing footsteps back
To where we used to lie.
Falling to the ground
I discover the universe I once dreamt
No longer in my line of sight.

Flash forward
It’s months later,
I choose to fall victim
Once more.
Succumb to these feelings.
Believing
Maybe
This time is different.
Curious
No—
Foolish
Once more
I feel lost
Confused
Spinning unwillingly.

Keep an eye on the fire,
For its spark is what inspired your intention.
However,
Do not let it consume you.
You must remember the power of water,
To humble this boisterous explosion.
Find comfort in the balance of your being.

I sip the red wine and place it back on the table—Eyes fixated on the tiny gnats attracted to its sweet aroma.
They dance around the rim.
Curiosity and temptation controlling their every move.
I watch a little longer
As one submerges itself into this warm pool of red.
Suicide.
My mind wanders further.
To what lengths are we willing to go to
In order to acquire our greatest desire,
No matter how destructive it may be?

There is this man
Beautiful
Insightful
Full of soul.
After all this time
I’m still in awe and
I’m still not sure what it is
But every breath slowly inhaled
And every bit of air so gently exhaled shortly after
Seem to mesmerize me.
I am lost in his existence.
So entranced
I seem to forget
I must take a breath of my own
In order to remain present.

I fantasize about his touch
And long for his soft lips pressing on mine
At all times.
Go ahead,
Call me a fool.
I would have to agree
For I have fallen victim
Enslaved
To his consuming presence.

Now
Lying next to him
Anticipating these feelings will dwindle.
Everything I was longing for
His embrace
His warmth
I have it all in this moment.
Alas, I can feel content.

Proven wrong again
For this desire
Seems to transform.
I now wish to never let go
To remain in his arms forever
Become one.
Seems I am unable
To feel fully satisfied once more.

Still
I’m not sure what it is
But I shall continue
To crave his sunlight and
Admire his soul.

I must remind myself to inhale again.

And yet,
At the end of the day
I continue to find myself
Baring a bit more energy
Gently dancing
Across the carpet
Anticipating
Another chance

Tomorrow.

The existence of humanity
The capacity of a mind
The complexity of a soul
Fascination
Pulsating
    Each
         And
     Every
Vein.
Compelled by the existence of another.
My body
My mind
My soul
Always searching for more.
Will I ever feel satisfied ?

We forget
That life is like the ocean waves
Up and down
High and low
Gradual
Steep
Each one a bit different
Painting a new picture
Unpredictable
Chaotic
And constantly
Changing our perception of the view.
Seems terrifying, but
Without this dynamic surface
We would truthfully be
Staring at a lifeless sheet
Of infinite water
Moving along slowly
And
Simply
             ...existing.

In a world moving by so fast
We tend to miss the signs
Despite the fact
That they are actually
P u  l  s   i   n   g  within us.
  
My dad always told me
“Follow your gut”
But what does this mean?
How can I decipher between
My true intuition and
The madness my mind convinces me of?

And so I allowed myself to be swept
Because for once I thought I had found someone strong enough
To hold me
To lift me
To see me

So when I came to the edge
I fell
Willingly
Effortlessly
For you would be there to catch me beneath
It all

A fool
I have become

—Quit feeling sorry
No one owes you anything
And you must not take life so seriously

You are your own
And nothing was ever yours to keep anyway

Even now
As I see your beautiful features
Another countless act
All of the smooth curves that craft
Your sweet face
I knew them so well
I realize this
But despite my ability to see you
So clearly
I never fully appreciated all that you were

Each student
Without failure
Inspires a special bond.
A connection.
And at least one moment of genuine understanding.

Aliyah was different though.
First impression typical.
Second impression frightening.
Third one leaving me confused.
Was it a lapse in judgement?
How would I handle this child?

Many times I had proven myself right indeed.
She was odd.
She was unkempt.
She kept other students distracted.

Fast forward a month
To say my mindset has changed,
Might indeed be an understatement.

Aliyah.

Not only did she teach me understanding.
She taught me creativity.
Acceptance.
Openness.
She taught me that it’s okay to be bizarre sometimes.

I thought I had so much more time.
That I could continue this bond.
Build on my influence.  
Deeply foster my connection with this neglected foster child.

But my time with this kind human has expired.  
And I can only hope she will remember mine.
For the spark in her young mind
And the softness in her heart
Deserve tenderness and care
In order to thrive and expand.  

I’ll remember her final embrace
And my failure to give her anything
Except a few short words of guidance and encouragement:

Be well, Aliyah. The world needs your light.

I spend all of my time
Analyzing this creation we’ve called love.
Why you act in ways
I can’t make sense of, or
Why I continue
To help rid you of your demons
When perhaps you would rather
Let them confuse you and
Consume you
Than chase the things they scare you away from.

I finally grew the courage to slowly release my grip
Peering down at my hands in shame
Observing the open slices across my palms
Overlaying countless scars
That have taken time to heal on their own.

Seems I’ve been here before
But why I am no longer able to retrieve those distant memories?
Those scars
So deep
I must be able to trace back.

Nothing.

In this moment
The fresh wounds catch my eye once more
And they hold my attention longer this time
For I begin to feel the pain they must have been causing me all along.

Distraction.

Too focused on a fantasy
What could’ve been
What should’ve been?
And so I must have thought
Hold tighter
In fear that a looser grip would leave me helpless
Crashing to the ground below.

Reality.

Finally able to see clearer
I realize that despite my intention
And my insecurity
Holding on to you
Fearing uncertainty
Was merely holding me back.

I was created to fly on my own.

Running out of fuel, yet
Trying to maintain
The person I was before
Pulled further now
Unaware of heavy weight
Gravity still present
Overwhelming me now
Unable to stand as tall
Or maybe at all
Seeming smaller, lesser now so
Where do I go from here ?
Who am I suppose to become ?

The shadows cast onto you
By sources lacking understanding
Cannot compete with the magnitude of light
Buried within your soul.
Therefore
Do not let this darkness
Steal your energy.
Instead
Allow it to fuel your drive.
Embrace your quest.

The surface
Is it better left unknown?
I couldn’t help it
Wanted to dig
To dig deeper
And quicker
Convinced the soil could only grow richer.
Couldn’t miss the opportunity
To be the first to acquire
To acquire my heart’s great desire.
But then my digging
It seemed to lose its rhythm
I no longer saw a clear path.
Scrambling, I know
I can get back on track.
Or maybe this surface has lost all hope
Dried up and
Leaving me with nothing but
The cold air and uncertainty.
I must go
What lies beneath was better left unknown.

By you, and
It’s been a while since
Someone new sparked my interest.
I want to know all about
Your passions, and
Your desires
What do you want from this world?
Let’s chat
Over coffee, something casual
Maybe explore a museum
I’m not looking for much, just
A human connection
Someone to entice me
Excite me, and
Remind me
What it’s like
To feel curious again.

Pleading to you and wanting
You back as I
Stare at the sea foam blue scattered
Within your eyes
Becoming one with each and every
Shade that presents itself to me
I crave your touch but you neglect
Me and my desire
And I
Suddenly remembering
We are no longer
The beings
We once were

Embrace change
Realize it is okay
to create boundaries between yourself
and the energy
that no longer supports
your purpose and
your growth.

A new heartbeat lies inside of me
Result of loving you
Maybe it’s the sparkle when sunlight hits your eyes
Or the glow in your cheeks after saying something coy
Nevertheless I find myself entranced, no matter the silence or the
Distance that lie between us.

Been so drunk my thoughts
Are saturated by the desire
To find sanity but I’m at a loss
For I no longer understand what I’m
Searching for and
What I really need.

The weather grows warmer
Yet my heart
Frozen, stripped of the love
That once held it together

I long for the comfort
I so recently felt
Your mild green eyes
I’d pretend not to melt

I crave the sensation
Of your lips against mine
Frozen in time
I nearly beg
Beg you to stay
Stay with me everyday

Each moment passing
Slow, like molasses
We
        i
         gh
               i
                  n
                   g  heavy on me now

The weather grows warmer
But I, increasingly cooler
Vulnerable now
Hoping to find peace
Again, in my solace and
In my independence

An overwhelming whiff of your scent
Passed by me today
While searching my closet for a shirt
I   p  a  u  s  e
.
.
.
Inhale again
Deeper, allow it to flow through me
Consume me
.
.
.
Moments later
Awoken by reality
I no longer drown in your scent
Rather
In sadness
Awareness, knowing
This piece of you
Is too, destined to leave my territory
With no return

We all crave it sometimes Unknowingly
Wanting others to Relate
To us and the Ways
We function and React
In our minds Somehow
Rationalizing the traces of Insanity
We pretend don’t Exist
Because it’s easier than Dealing
With the thoughts that Consume
Our minds and Drive
Our decisions. . .
. . . Because if someone else Shows
Us that they simply Understand
Us then maybe we won’t Feel
So isolated Anymore.

Unknowingly
We begin to fail
at appreciating so many moments
Despite the fact, that
they are happening all around us/

We become so focused
on everything that was
and the uncertainty of what’s to come
We invariably neglect the magic of our now/

We must try to remain present
Aware of each gift
Admiring them
while they reside in our world/

Because if we don’t
By tomorrow
We’ll only find ourselves
longing again/

My poetry *****
Now that
I no longer feel you and
Your magic pulsing within
Me and my being have become
Nothing but an empty shell longing
For desire and passion
As I sit in the dark lying
In bed
And to myself for I lack
Understanding of my present—
Or presence? but
Consciously trying to
Catch my breath
Again

I get drunk
Makes me feel better
In the moment, then
Come down from the delusion
Realize
How pathetic
I’ve become
I miss you, but
what do I even miss anymore?
When I don’t
even know you
Stranger
Is all you are now
I tell myself, over
And over again
Doesn’t help
Can’t sleep, or
Conquer this pain.

I think so often
We continue to reach for everything
That once was,
Unwilling to accept the reality
Of what is now,
Because we fear that something
Equally as fulfilling,
Couldn’t possibly come around again.

His love was that of the moon.
Always genuine and always beautiful,
But from Earth’s perspective,
Not always full.

Luckily,
She was not Earth.
She happened to be the sun.
Her perspective was different.

So she continued to shine on his every being,
Showering every particle with light and warmth.
She just wanted to make him feel alive.

She knew his magic and wanted others to see him in his entirety.
So even as he faded from Earth,
She never lost sight of his beauty,
For she knew he would always make his way back around.

And each time she waited,
Longing,
Shining,
Hoping next time he would choose to stay closer.

But he did not.

Nevertheless,
Her shine is bright.
She will remain where she needs to be.
And life will continue onward.

I gazed at him
He had familiar eyes

Soothing

For it was as if
A simple glance
Could somehow keep me safe.

Concerned

For despite this comfort
I seemed to notice
A reflection of my past.

Was it

Seemingly disrupting
The new beauty
I’d just discovered?

Apprehension

For alI wanted was to see the future—
a light that could spark
A new beginning.

Relief again

For perhaps it is as if
He holds pieces of my whole world
Inside of his tiny pupils.

I am seeking
A brand new heart
One a bit more sustaining.
For,
Alike my words
It seems as though, it’s
Only flowing smoothly
When I’m comprised
Of thoughts about you.

I dreamt of you this morning
You were laying on my chest
My arm gently place on yours
With care,
You stroked the top of my hand
Until slowly
Our fingers interlocked
It was peaceful
I was home again
I can’t help but wonder whose chest you’re laying on now.

We mustn’t forget
To treat our emotions as nothing more than visitors.
For when we build them a home,
And allow them to stay,
We become unable to live freely.

How quickly the mind can become blind to the hurt, when the heart becomes entranced once more.

I stare at the night sky and
It’s as if I feel you with me
The unknown
Always lingering
Dragging my thoughts
Down..........but
Once I accept these demons
For what they are and
Remind myself of the infinite light
Still above me
Seemingly pulling me away from this darkness
I find myself content with
The version of home
I am still able to trace in my mind

Are no longer about you.
I have found peace, in
Knowing I must move forward
Take my thoughts elsewhere
My heart elsewhere
Focus my energy on the countless other things
That too
Allow me to feel, and
Give me meaning
And so in this moment
I am allowing my thoughts
To run wild, and
Be free
I am free in this moment
Chasing what’s ahead
Though I may not know
What it is
I am after it.
Yet,
It is in this same moment
As as I sit here and share my thoughts
I realize
This is just another poem
Subconsciously about you.

It’s 5:53 am
I wake up abruptly,
Dreaming of you again.
A chill run throughs my bones
Triggering tiny hairs to stand up all over.
The thought of your touch
Your warmth
Your grasp
Your gaze
Sends a wave of electricity through my body.
Though I want to bottle up this memory,
These sensations,
These temptations,
And keep them close to me forever,
I must instead try to push them far away.
And bury them
Somewhere safe
For good.

I want to hold your face still
And get lost in your eyes
A sea of deep green
I would submerge my entire being
Drown
Just to feel you again.

With every word you speak,
A ray of sunshine brushes my cheek.

I am in awe of your beauty, and
Mesmerized by your gaze.

With every gentle embrace,
I’m certain you’ll keep me safe.

The world stops for a moment,
While I stare into your eyes.

A profound connection,
I’m so fortunate to call you mine.

Your presence is exciting,
Your passion deeply pure.

My soul has found a place called home
Forever intertwined with yours.

With every word you speak
A ray of sunlight brushes my cheek
I wish to communicate
My hearts desire
Instead—I bite my tongue once more
Waiting
Anticipating
A terrible storm is sure to come
And strip me of your warmth.