We hadn’t spoken in a few days
Made a meal
&
Out of the clear blue I said
‘I don’t want to do this
‘Anymore
‘I feel like I’m wasting my life

She dropped her fork
On her plate
&
Put her head in her hands
Silent
Tears dropped and she looked
Towards the window

‘Why do you say such things?

Tell her I’m sorry
I’m the biggest ****
Tell her it’s just that we haven’t
Spoken in a few days

I console
Kiss her cheek
Kiss her hand
Her tears stop
‘Can we go for a walk
‘That place with a bridge?
Of course we can
&
We get a coffee
Talk movies
As we walk
Hand in Hand
&
She still doesn’t realize I still
Meant every ****
Word I said
That morning

People always ask me what I’m running from

I tell them I’m not running from anything

I’m simply standing up straight
In the storm

And what you see is the storm passing over me

I don’t care about the storm
&
The storm don’t care about me
Simple

Once
In my 20s
I acquired things
Material Possessions
A
Wife
Kids
Mild success
Church goer
Do gooder
I cared about parent teacher conferences and great
School districts

In my thirties
It vanquished
Revealed its disguise
&
Lost it all
But that’s ok

Now in my 40s
I know all the
Happy Hour
Bars
&
Liquor Stores
Nearby
&
10 percent off Tuesdays
For wine
En vino veritas
Finally got the truth
I deserved
Had to lose everything
To get it
Thank you
Thirties

There’s only so much we can give
So much of ourselves
Throughout our lives
So much has been used against us
And yet we
At times still respond

Our favorite music
Our favorite quotes
Our most vulnerable period of

Our Lives
Given as gifts but used later as
Weapons

We can only give so much
And every time we feel
‘This is different
‘This will work
&
We give
As much as we can

I gave up smoking the day I found out my wife was pregnant with our first child

that VERY day

My father smoked at the dinner table, in the car, all around us

ALL the time

I’ve never been drunk around my children...EVER

I’ve had no more than 2-3 drinks, telling them the virtues of wine

My father, if he came home with a beer in his hand on Friday afternoon, we knew we were in for it until Sunday night.

beatings, going in to get him at 2am in seedy bars, pulling him off of my mother

I always tell my kids I love them. Everyday. Email. Text. Phone calls. Holding them close to me. Smelling their hair and holding onto them is my favorite place in the whole world.

daddy are you my best buddy?
’always and forever, your best buddy’

The last time I heard my dad say I love you where I think he actually meant it was Christmas 1979, 39 years ago. Unless showing up for little league games stone drunk & belligerent towards my coaches is love. Or never showing up at all on afternoons he said he would to go play golf with me...just me. No call. No show.

father...you used to be my daddy. Remember? I thought you were the strongest man in the world. You had the biggest hands. Mine were so small in yours

We don’t suffer anymore at the hands of our fathers

Do we daddy?